Brontide

Dear Devon,

Please know that I would've called you as soon as I could if I hadn't misplaced your number. I deeply regret that, and I’m not sure exactly how to explain what has happened. I’m not even sure if the past few days have been real or if they’ve been some figment of a very fucked up imagination. I honestly wish it were all fraudulent, though if I had any doubt that this wasn’t true then I wouldn’t be writing this letter.

It is now November when I write this. The first thing I wish to say is that I’m sorry, I’m so unbelievably sorry for a number of things. I don’t know where to begin, perhaps with the fact that we were never really close growing up. I wish I could change that, because now you’re time zones away and difficult to reach, and these are not things one wants to think about when they need their elder and only brother the most. I’m sorry for not trying harder to be close with you. In a way I guess I was always afraid that perhaps you didn’t want much to do with me. The fact that every time I have sporadically called you the phone is always picked up and I’m never hung up on is extremely comforting. I’m sorry for being such a stubborn prat sometimes, and I’m sorry for letting your advice fall on deaf ears. There is a thing happening with Fred Weasley and I that I guess you would call, “becoming more than friends”. On days where I feel alone and tired, he reminds me what it feels like to smile.

However, this is, without a doubt in my mind, the thing I am the sorriest for and will haunt me until it’s I'm six feet under. Devon, I left you with the understanding that our parents would be safe from harm, and though I didn’t directly cause this I feel that the blame should be mine entirely. My friends and I are currently in hiding, and as were Mum and Dad except I wasn’t with them when it happened. I am told that their safe house burned down overnight, most likely by someone we’re at war with. Our parents are gone, along with everyone else the unit housed. I wish I could’ve been there; perhaps I could’ve prevented it somehow, I don’t know what use I would’ve been, but…they’re gone, and I’m so, so sorry that we weren’t able to see them and unite our family again like I promised. If you never wish to speak to me again I more than understand, because I’m loathing myself more and more every day and am starting to wish that I’d burned with the building.

If I could, however, ask one thing of you - please, please stay in America. I understand that I’m not exactly the best person to talk to about safety advice but please just trust me on this. Britain is the worst place for you right now and I couldn’t bear it if something happened to you as well. When you do come back, I'd like to hold a proper funeral for them and the others who died. We had a small memorial for them at the site where it happened. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to tell you about it in time; it was hard enough for me to get the nerve to write this letter and it all happened very quickly. I hope you can forgive me one day. If you wish to respond for whatever reason, please give Nestor about a day or so to rest before sending him back; I’ve never sent him on a journey this long before.

Take care, I miss you.

Your sister,
Cassie

Light flurries had begun to fall from the late afternoon sky, clinging to strands of my overgrown blonde hair and landing on the parchment clutched in my hands. I read the letter over and over again; I was trying to make sure I was finally satisfied with it, rubbing my tired and puffy eyes with the sleeve of my coat. I had written and disposed of several letters since finding out about the fire, unhappy with how each one sounded.

After growing sick of the cramped fallout shelter I’d taken my parchment, quill, and ink outside with me to dwell on a rock next to the nearby river, hoping for some peace and tranquility. The leaf-coated ground was frosted over in the slightest bit; the pale grey sky above wrapped around the forest like a blanket, and the naked trees swayed and rustled with the slightest breeze. The river, which was narrow enough where I could see the other side quite easily, strolled along at a leisurely pace and gave me a small feeling of calmness.

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and letting myself take it all in for a moment. Why couldn’t life be like this forever? Why couldn’t I just stay in my own little bubble and pretend that everything was okay, continuing to be ignorant and stubborn until I grew so old everyone would forget about me? Couldn’t the world do me that one small favor?

I rolled up the parchment and pulled the jacket's hood over my head, wrapping my arms around my knees. I didn’t want to go back down, not just yet. I didn’t want to see the sympathetic looks from Rae and Fred and George. I didn’t want Lee or Angelina to tell me I should eat because I was beginning to wither away into nothing. I was rather torn between sleeping for the rest of my life or leaving everyone behind to hunt down the nearest Death Eaters. I knew what my grandmother would’ve done, but I wasn’t Auriga Selwick, as similar as we could’ve been. I was Cassiopeia Bains and I felt small and afraid. As much as I wanted to go off on my own and get revenge, I needed to stay put, and that drove me crazy more than anything.

The only contact we had with other people happened to be when Kingsley and Remus would stop by for the radio show they hosted with Lee, George, and Fred. It was actually nice to see them; they brought us food and news about the others, telling us things we hadn’t read in the newspaper that we were sometimes able to get from the nearest muggle town. Of course, the muggles didn’t know what was going on, but we were usually able to distinguish between what was Death Eater activity and what wasn’t.

When I’d gone off to finish my letter to Devon they’d just started another radio session, listing off the names of the wizarding folk and muggles who’d died in the past week. I guessed that maybe an hour had passed since then, by which time they were usually done and Remus and Kingsley would go on their way. I was right because shortly after I thought about this, I heard the crunching of frozen leaves coming up from behind me. I glanced over to my right, where I could see Fred bundled in his coat and scarf and looking borderline frozen.

“Hi,” he muttered, stopping next to me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “You’re not cold?”

I shrugged. “Not really.” I glanced at the rolled parchment in my brittle hands, which were almost the same color as the frost on the ground. “I finally finished it. Do you want to read it?”

I saw him shake his head, small bits of snow flying free from his grown out red hair. “It’s personal for you and I’d feel like I’m intruding or something.” I felt him play with a lock of my hair, wrapping it around his fingertips. “Here, come back inside. They brought loaves of bread and ham, we can make sandwiches.”

I shook my head, his hand falling back to my shoulder. “I’m not hungry, Fred.”

“Cass,” he said carefully, “you do need to eat. You’ve barely touched anything since…” His words ended. I didn’t answer, wrapping my arms tighter around my knees. “I’m worried about you,” he started again, tilting my chin toward him so he could see my face. I stared back blankly. “Can you just eat this once, please? For me?”

I inhaled deeply. A chill went through my lungs that made me shudder. “Alright,” I complied quietly, “just this once.”

I saw him smile for the first time in what felt like ages, and he leaned forward to place a small kiss on my lips. Somewhere within me, the chill had lessened slightly. “Come on.” He took my icy hand in his and helped me off the rock. The two of us huddled together as we trudged through the frosted leaves, the heat escaping from our lips in small foggy clouds.

Back in the shelter, there was a small bonfire stoking and the smell of meats cooking hit my nose as soon as I climbed down. Admittedly I felt my stomach growl upon experiencing this, and when I bit into the cooked ham sandwich that Fred handed me, the fresh bread so soft and the meat juicy, it was the best thing I’d eaten in months. I let myself savor the taste. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Fred and Rae watching me before exchanging satisfied looks. I pretended as though I hadn’t noticed, continuing to eat my sandwich in silence. As good as it tasted, I was really only doing it to keep them quiet and happy. I didn’t want to eat; I didn’t want to do anything other than what I had meant to do for days.

Once I had finished and drank some pumpkin juice that they’d brought, I took Nestor out of his cage and fed him a few owl nuts, running my fingers through his brown and white feathers. He closed his eyes at this; it was one of his favorite things, being scratched. I then tied the letter to his leg, walking him over to the hatch.

“Nestor,” I said quietly, “this is going to be a very long trip, and I’m sorry but I need you to get this to Devon as fast as possible. He’s over in the states now.” I placed a small kiss on his beak. “Be careful.” He looked at me with his large amber eyes, blinking a few times before flying up through the open hatch and out into the evening sky.

***

"Good evening, everyone, and thanks for tuning in for another Potterwatch broadcast. My name is River and I'll be your host. With us tonight is Romulus, who will be doing our 'Pals of Potter' segment. Royal will be discussing the effects of the war on the Muggle world, and we also have Rodent and Rapier here for updates on what we know about the Chief Death Eater. First on the agenda, I'll be talking about things the Daily Prophet refuses to cover, and we're going to start with that bridge collapse in Leeds..."

I could hear the boys through the closed storage room door doing their Potterwatch episode for the week. Not too long before they started, Rae had practically forced me to eat the chicken stew that Remus and Kingsley brought with them. I was still sitting at the table with my arms crossed, Angelina next to me and looking a bit uncomfortable. This was nothing new.

Rae was rifling through the storage container behind us for something, and a moment later I heard it close. She walked up on my other side and sat down; in her arms was my scarlet photo album.

She put it in front of me and looked at me expectantly. "I thought perhaps we could show Angelina some of the old photos we have of Lee."

At this, Angelina seemed to lighten up a bit. "You have old pictures of him?"

I tried to make myself seem less annoyed than I actually was. I could tell Rae was really trying, and I did appreciate the effort. Slowly, I opened the leather-bound book and selected a random page. One of the first ones I saw was a picture of Lee and Fred; their faces were right up to the camera and they were making the most ridiculous expressions. From the looks of them, they were probably Second Years.

"Oh my goodness," Angelina grinned, leaning closer to get a better look, "he's practically a baby here!"

I flipped a few more pages until I came to one from our Fourth Year. Lee was seated at the announcement podium next to the Quidditch pitch, grinning and waving excitedly to the camera. In the background, there were a few blurs of people flying around, one of which I recognized as Harry.

"Wow, look at him," she said with a small sigh. "He's always been a people person and the Quidditch commentaries came pretty naturally for him." She gave me a small smile. "I'm almost jealous; I've never had the confidence for public speaking."

"Neither have I," Rae added.

I still didn't say anything, but I flipped to a particular picture I knew Angelina would like. During the Yule Ball, Lee had managed to get her to dance with him and it was pretty cute. When George pointed it out to me I knew I needed to capture it. My camera had ended up in the lake later that week due to my own stupidity, but I was glad I got those pictures from the Yule Ball before losing it.

Upon seeing the picture in question, Angelina's face lit up like the sun. "You guys got this on camera? I can't believe it, we look...so awkward but adorable at the same time. Honestly, he made that night more fun for me."

I felt myself smile a little without meaning to, and before I knew what I was doing, I was handing the picture over to her. "Here, you should probably have it."

"Wait, really?" I nodded my head and she enveloped me in a hug. "Thanks, Cassie. I can't wait to show him."

When she pulled away, I began thinking about how little I actually knew about Angelina. When Lee would visit us at the flat, she usually wouldn't go because of her job...something with Quidditch. I found the nerve to ask her about it. "So...what were you doing after we finished school?"

"Well, I got recruited by Puddlemere United and was training under their rookie program for over a year. I was pretty close to being put up on their roster before the Ministry fell, and once I found out that they were hunting Muggle-borns I had to put my dream on hold." She seemed somber upon thinking about this. "I'm thankful that George contacted us when he did about going into hiding. It honestly saved Lee and I a lot of hassle and you gave us a safe place to stay. We didn't really have any connections to the Order before all of this, you see."

"I didn't know you were Muggle-born too," I said quietly. "Where is your family now?"

"They've been staying with Lee's mum. He's a Half-blood so they should be alright, he's not on the Ministry's radar. We would've stayed there too but I was afraid I'd be putting them in more danger by doing so." She was looking at the picture of Lee and her dancing over and over again. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss them like hell, though."

***

The weeks dragged by, and the wait for Nestor to return was excruciating. It became harder and harder to gather firewood, with snow falling nearly every day. In early December the river began to freeze over, so bathing became gathering water in a bucket, using our wands to heat it up and pouring it over ourselves outside. The trees in the clearing around our safe spot became bare and frosted over in thick layers of ice, spindly hands protruding from the sea of snow. As time kept going I wondered every day if this was it, if I was meant to live out the rest of my days underground with friends, and if perhaps one day I would become one of those skeletal trees, bone white and forever reaching toward the bleak sky.

No one celebrated Christmas. We had nothing to give each other and no muggle money to purchase anything from the nearby town. It was bad enough that we had to steal a newspaper every now and again when Remus and Kingsley were too busy to come by, which had become frequent. Rae had tried to get everyone to participate in a gift exchange, even something small or silly. No one was in any mood to go through with it, and after a while, she dropped it.

It was shortly after Christmas that Fred, George, Rae and I woke up to find Angelina and Lee packing their things. I rubbed my eyes sleepily, my tangled hair tickling my face. Fred and I both sat up in our hammock bed, looking down upon the scene.

“Oi!” Fred called, the two of them jumping at his voice. “What’s going on?”

Lee’s hold on his rucksack slackened, his dark eyes looking up at us apologetically. The smiling, cheerful Lee Jordan had been long gone; he lived in the pictures I kept of everyone in my photo album. This Lee had become much more serious, a smile becoming a rarity. One of the few things that seemed to cheer him up was Potterwatch, but being that broadcasts had become few and far between I knew there wasn't much to distract him anymore. He was always worried about his and Angelina's families.

With that thought in mind, I suddenly knew what was happening before he even told everyone.

“Are you taking off, mate?” George asked quietly. He and Rae stood between the bunks, still in their bedclothes.

Lee took a deep breath. “Angie and I…we’ve been thinking about this a lot, especially after what happened with you, Cass.”

Angelina took Lee’s hand in hers. “We need to be with our families. I…I can’t be here not knowing if they’re okay. I’m going to go mad, and Lee agrees.”

"We feel we can better protect them if we're by their side," Lee said quietly. "Be sure to let us know if anything crazy is happening, though; I'd love to take down a few Death Eaters just as much as you lot."

The silence was thick and somber. Fred and I climbed down from our bed as George and Rae were saying their goodbyes to them.

“Take care, mate,” Fred said to Lee, bumping fists before embracing in a hug.

“You too, be careful,” he muttered back, pulling away and turning to me, a small smile coming across his face. “Cassie Bains.”

“Lee Jordan.” I gave him a big hug. “Be careful out there. If anything changes we’ll send word to you.” The smallest of smiles tugged at the corners of my mouth. “I hope your families are alright…cherish the time that you have with them, okay?”

I felt him nod against my shoulder. “I will. You stay safe, now. Make sure of that, and take care of Freddie Boy for me.”

He pulled away and I gave him a small nod. My gaze then went to Angelina, with whom I’d become closer during our time spent in the shelter. She was a sweet girl and a part of me regretted not being friendlier with her while we were at school. There wasn’t anything I could’ve done about it though, and I had a feeling she was thinking something similar when her dark eyes met mine.

“Take care of yourself, Cassie,” she said with a weak smile, pulling me in for a hug. I let her and returned it.

“You too, take care of Lee for us.”

Before I knew it, the hatch was opened and the winter sunlight shone down into our makeshift home. The four of us climbed out after Lee and Angelina to see them off, huddling together close, as we’d forgotten to put on coats and the air was icy and bitter. We waved to them as they walked outside the boundaries of our protective enchantments and, hand in hand, they smiled one last time before apparating away, the sound briefly reverberating through the barren forest.

***

As winter trudged by, the four of us fell more and more into a stupor. I was still awaiting my letter from Devon, but would there even be a letter? Did Nestor get lost somewhere along the way? Had someone intercepted him? Was Devon even able to find it within himself to write me back without wanting to commit homicide?

These were the things I thought about on a daily basis, my mind consumed with overwhelming worry about the state of the world and the people I cared about. I had been hoping to hear some tidbit of news, anything that could at least hint as to what was really happening out there, but the newspapers weren’t really helpful. To top it off, Remus and Kingsley hadn’t stopped by in weeks, and they were our prime news sources. Potterwatch had gone on a ‘to be continued’ standby. It had been one of the only things keeping Fred and George from going stir crazy, and without it, Rae and I noticed their moods visibly souring.

It was now sometime in February, according to our makeshift calendar. Fred and I were glaring daggers at each other from across the room, though this wasn’t the first time. I knew how it was going to go already, and I was sick to death of having it out with him over something so ludicrous.

“Don’t,” I said quietly, clicking the locket around my neck shut. I’d been looking at the picture inside again and for some reason, it seriously bothered him.

His brows knit together and a part of me really wanted to punch him. “Cassie –”

“Don’t you say it, Fred Weasley, don’t you dare. You already know what I’m going to say,” I said stubbornly, folding my arms over my chest. The green hand-knit sweater was warm and comforting against my skin.

“Guys,” Rae groaned tiredly, putting her game of Exploding Snap with Fred on hold. “Could you please do me a favor and shut up before this even starts getting heated? Or maybe go outside and cool off?”

“I’ll bloody cool off when Fred here –” I pointed an accusing finger at him, “– finally understands that I’m not going anywhere, I’m not running away to go hide out in some muggle community until this war is over. This is where I’m staying until the Order needs me. It’s as simple as that.”

He stared at my finger as though he’d like nothing more than to curse it off. “I just don’t want anything to happen to you and end up being hunted down by your brother! I don’t reckon he’d take that lightly.”

I pursed my lips slightly, my nails digging into my arm through my sweater. “For all I know, he could be hunting me down for not being able to protect our parents! It’s not like he wouldn’t have a right to, they should still be alive right now and I failed them! I wish it’d been me that burned, not them.” The last part came out quietly, and the look of horror that came over Fred’s face was enough to make tears sting the back of my eyes.

Rae had stood up from the table, the wooden chair scraping against the stone floor. “Cassie,” she said barely above a whisper. Her cheeks were already glistening with a few tears. “No one blames you for what happened to them, and I don’t think Devon will either. It was an accident, he has to know that. No one’s safety is guaranteed anymore.”

I shook my head, covering my face with my hands and turning away from them. I didn’t want them to see me cry. I had been doing better up until that point; no tears, no vocalizing wishes of my own demise…then the whole attempt at contentedness had become tiresome and I cracked under a small feud with my best-friend-turned-boyfriend. My head was pounding and my shoulders were wracked with my angry sobs, my mess of hair attempting to curtain me away from everyone else.

I felt arms wrap themselves around me and pull me into a long, slender torso. I bunched my hands in Fred’s sweater and cried into his chest; I didn’t have it in me to do much else. His face was buried in my hair and he kept muttering his apologies. I felt a shorter body hug me from behind and Rae started stroking my hair, humming to me comfortingly like how I used to do for her when she was upset.

I heard the door to the small supply room creak open and assumed that George must’ve heard the whole ordeal. He bounded over quickly and wrapped his arms around the three of us.

Rae was the first one to say something. “Thanks, George,” she said sarcastically. I could practically hear her rolling her eyes.

“What? I didn’t want to accidentally get in the middle. I hear Cassie breathes fire when she’s mad.”

I’d stopped crying and choked out a strangled laugh, lifting my head from Fred’s tear-soaked sweater to look at the one-eared twin. I gave him a weak smile, which he returned.

“It’s also when she snores, too,” Fred added, a smirk evident in his voice. “I can’t tell you how many times she’s singed off my eyebrows.”

This time, with the mental image of an eyebrow-less Fred in my mind, I started laughing so hard my cheeks hurt. Rae joined me and accidentally let out a snort, which only made me laugh harder. The sound of the four of us all laughing was like music to my ears. My heart automatically began to feel a little lighter, and I was reminded of simpler times when laughter came easily.

I did feel a lot better and I relaxed in their arms, a genuine smile on my face for the first time in months. If it was short-lived, that was okay. As long as I had Rae, Fred, and George with me, I knew I would be alright.