Die in Tune

Harriet was the most interesting and, at the same time, most annoying person I’ve ever met. Annoying because she just wouldn’t leave me alone, always curious about her character and about my story. The irony was that not only was she annoying in real life, but in the City of Muoia Nell’Aria she also never gave me a break! She would kill with much more style than me and follow me around school. It was time for me to write the part where her character joins the rebellion, so she would leave me alone! At least in my fictional world.

I entered my classroom, expecting to see Harriet sitting on the seat behind mine. It had been nearly a month since I first saw her on that empty hallway. The seat was empty. She was probably late. I sat down and waited for the bell to ring. Once it rang and the teacher entered and started taking attendance, I noticed that she wasn’t inside. Where is she? I thought. The teacher began talking about things that didn’t interest me much, so I decided it was a perfect time to write.


Harriet never missed classes. She showed up when she was sick, even though it was rare among us murderers. She showed up whether it was raining or not; in a good or a bad mood. But she always showed up. Always, except today.

The teacher didn’t seem to notice, nor did anyone else but me. I thought of what reasons could make her miss the classes, yet there just didn’t seem to be any coherent reason. They all came out absurd. Why was she purposely missing classes? And why was I caring? The second question intrigued me more than the first one.

After school I decided to go to Gripelle Street. Maybe she was there murdering yet another one of my loyal screamers (something she often did, probably to annoy me more). She wasn’t there. The only people I found lurking that street were the dozens of screamers, some almost attacking me so that I would inevitably kill them.

I knew it was a screamer’s true nature to want to be murdered in the most brutal and degrading forms, but I found their attempt of attracting murderers pathetic. If a murderer really wanted to kill them, he would pick the one that stood out. In a crowd where everyone wants to stand out, the only ones who really do are those who don’t do any effort.

Deciding not to waste any more efforts on a lost search, I returned to my home and got ready for yet another night at the bars. These days, I didn’t have anything going on in my love life. I only went to bars, because, well, I didn’t have anything else to do. I usually just hung out there, drinking sometimes and observing the crowd of people who were there to have some fun. Wearing black from head to toe, I stepped into Psychobarth and once again felt all eyes on me.

I despised the attention these days.

It reminded me of my previous mistakes, my past.

Stepping aside, trying to avoid the unavoidable glares and stares, I asked for the usual drink and waited for it. There were so many girls, so many femme fatales dancing and enjoying their nights there. The subtle lights of the bar shined on their complexions, the little drops of sweat looking silver when under the light. So many girls, so much temptation. I must resist.

My drink was on the table. It wasn’t so strong, but it wasn’t too mild. Just perfect. I drank it slowly, as I would drink a really hot drink, and eyed the crowd, trying to discover something interesting.

All of a sudden, this shadow appears in the crowd, the lights not shining on it. The shadow was wearing some sort of a hood and a long coat. When the light passed lightly on top of it, I could see two tiny orbs, inside the hood, shining: eyes. It was coming in my direction. I felt nervous for some reason.

It took its hood off and a bunch of light brown strands fell on her shoulders gracefully. Harriet. She eyed me suspiciously and then she took her coat off and places it on the counter. Her eyes never left mine. She looked different. Very different.

She walked to the dance floor, her back to me and then she turned her head and looked at me with a strange look on her eyes. She then slowly faced again the dance floor and started moving her body to the rhythm of the song that was playing.

My drink was in my hand. My drink was finished, so I was basically standing by the counter with an empty glass on my hand. I put the glass aside and watched Harriet. She would dare some glances at me, but doing it discreetly. I looked away, avoiding her. Why was I compelled to look at her?

My foot started following the beat of the sound. I couldn’t control it. The music, suddenly, took control of me and before I knew it I was walking to the dance floor. To Harriet. She smiled to herself when my eyes met hers.

Harriet, why was I mesmerized by you?

Harriet: why do I think I like you?

It couldn’t be possible! It just couldn’t. I didn’t fall in love. I never fell in love. I didn’t want to either. And Harriet didn’t even have all the qualities I’d admire in a girl. She’s annoying. More than that, she’s unbearable. She’s too reckless. Yet, she’s…somewhat like me. I shook my head at my thought. I couldn’t be in love with her. Then why do I care? I thought. There wasn’t any rational reason. I wasn’t even her friend.

I am not in love with Harriet, I decided in my mind. But the words echoed without any conviction and with a hint of a doubt.

I didn’t want to think about it. I wanted to write.


As the song held us prisoners to its beat, she suddenly brought her face near my ear and whispered faintly in my ear “I quit Aeono…” She then smirked. I was shocked. People didn’t just quit school! Once they quit, they could never return and never get to be a professional murderer. That would be like taking your dignity as a murderer away!

She then backed away and looked into my eyes. She had an unreadable expression on her face. Somehow it looked like a mix of pride and at the same time hope. But why did she have pride and hope? I dragged her away from the crowded dance floor to the counter where we had been. “Why?” It seemed to be the only question I could ask her. She looked around the bar, grabbed her coat and put it back on.

“Follow me…” She said as she put on her hood and started walking out of the bar. I didn’t know exactly what to do. I did the only thing I could do other than stand there like an idiot: follow her. She was walking at a slightly fast pace, so I had to almost run to catch up with her. Then she turned around a corner to a very dark alley. I usually never went in that alley, not even during day time.

I looked into the alley and saw no one. It was as dark as charcoal inside, so I couldn’t see anything at all. I called out her name, but not too loudly. I had to admit that for a murderer, I had some weird phobias, like one of the dark. I stared at the darkness then I heard some noise coming from my left side. I turned and a pair of arms grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the left. Due to the moon shine, I could see better there. It was Harriet. She took her hood off once again and looked at me as she said “If I tell you anything, it’s because I put my trust on you and you have to promise not to tell anyone, okay?”

I didn’t quite understand why she was going to trust me. I wasn’t even that close to her, though I was the only person she talked to at school. We didn’t know each other for such a long time. And most of all, I didn’t even care about what she had to tell me. She waited for my answer. “Why do you trust me and why do you want to tell me?” I asked.

“Well because I think it may interest you… And because I know you are someone I could trust.” She smiled and looked at me, before adding “So can I trust you with this?” I thought and nodded. She then put on a serious face and said “I met Revaun. And I’ve decided to join them…”

My jaw dropped. She…joined…the…Rebellion!

As my mind tried to digest what I just heard, she stared at my eyes expectantly. How could she-? Did she even-? I couldn’t even form complete questions in my head. Could I manage a coherent thought? I asked the only thing that could sum up all the incomplete questions in my head “Why?”

She looked a bit disappointed as she looked into my face. “Nothing. I guess I was wrong.” I was confused. What was she wrong about? Why was she disappointed? Why was she looking at me with that look on her face? Why was she even confiding in me something scandalous like that?

“What were you wrong about?” I asked.

She looked away and then said “I thought you would want to join to. I guess I didn’t think that you were brainwashed too…” Brainwashed? Now, I was really confused. She read my mind and said “Revaun told me what the Supreme Court was doing. I didn’t believe him at first, but the more I learned the more I believed he was right. The rebellion is revolting for all the right reasons. I thought you would want to join, because…” I waited. “Okay, this is going to sound strange, but I thought you were different from the rest.” Though it was really dark, through the light that hit her cheeks, I could see them flush a light shade of pink.

I thought about what she had revealed to me. I was stuck. Stuck between the future I had always dreamed of. Working as an apprentice during the summer so that I could someday become a professional and maybe even a master! And stuck between the new truths that were revealed to me. And still something else, I still wasn’t aware of.

“You mean, you thought that I would join you? Join the rebellion?” I questioned quite astonished at the risk she had taken. She nodded. She stared at my eyes, dark because of the lack of light, and wondered what I was thinking about. To be honest, even I wasn’t sure what I was thinking about.

She then pushed me back, but lightly and said “You know what? Fine, you don’t have to join us. But you have to keep your mouth shut, or else I’ll have to show up and kill you myself…” Then she shook her head. “This was a stupid idea anyway. I have to go…”

She started walking away when I grabbed hold of her wrist and turned her around to face me. “Let me go!” She whispered angrily. I grabbed a hold of her shoulders.

“Let’s talk…” I tried to persuade her into talking about it in a calm manner. She looked at my eyes and shook her head. There was no need for words. Sometimes silence speaks a thousand words. I looked at her, still not letting her go. She tried to free her wrist, but my grip was tight.

“I’m sorry, but I have to do this…” She whispered with a genuinely apologetic look on her face before her foot met my lower abdominal area. I crunched my body in pain and let go of her wrist. She ran off, having a glance at me before she put her hood on and faded into the darkness.

I had written that through the entire week. Slowly adding one or two paragraphs, always noticing her absence. It was ironic how in the moments I was finally free from her annoying and irrelevant conversations, I actually missed those very conversations. It was even more ironic how I couldn’t stop thinking about her, or writing about her.

I stared bewildered at the final lines I had written. If I didn’t like Harriet how come was I in love with her for some incomprehensible reason in my fictional world? And why did she trust me so much in my fictional tale? And lastly, why the hell was I making her stronger than me? I mean I could’ve dodged her kick or maintained my grip on her wrist!

I decided it was time for me to go Dr. Murphy’s office in hope to see her there. Why was I hoping to see her? I think I’m going to have to admit the simple fact I can’t accept. I’m in love. With Harriet. But I can’t be! I can’t be in love! I never have been, never will be!

I love you, don’t you love me?

Shut up, Leonora! I screamed in my mind. And suddenly, like magic, it stopped. Maybe because I said her name. Maybe. Leonora, I thought, why did I have to meet you that night?

My thoughts were distracted when my phone started ringing. I saw the caller ID and once again I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t get nervous like the last time, but I wasn’t ready to deal with them. Because I didn’t answer, I then got a text message from the same number. It read “Hey, we heard there’s going to be a huge party at this guy’s place. He’s from your school, a certain Andy. Come please, for old times’ sakes!” I wondered how they knew. Before I had time to delete the message, I got another message saying “We know where you live and where you go to school, so even if you don’t show up, we’ll meet somehow. We’re in town now and we’ve got to talk. Please come.”

I shook my head to myself. I wasn’t going to the party. I had heard about it, but I didn’t know how they knew and why were they in town. I had nothing to talk about with them. Those guys meant nothing but trouble.

I turned off my mobile phone and went on my way to Dr. Murphy’s office.


She wasn’t there. For the first time since I’d seen her in Dr. Murphy’s office, she wasn’t there. I did what I never thought I would do: ask Dr. Murphy’s secretary if she knew anything about Harriet. I hated myself for doing it, because I was just giving in to whatever plan she had plotted in her mind.

“Harriet canceled her appointments for this week and next week.” So she was canceling appointments and skipping classes. Great. Why did I want to see her so bad? Why was I even thinking about her? I should’ve never put her in my story. Never.

I thanked her and went back to the couch to wait for my appointment. I grabbed my cell phone and looked at the message I had gotten earlier. The party. It was Friday night and I had nothing better to do. My parents had gone on yet another business trip in another state. I didn’t care if they were going to be there, I missed going to parties. I was going. Anyway, you didn’t need an invitation. Half the time, the people who throw them, don’t know fifty percent of the guests.

I used to throw parties and used to adore being the center of attention, I thought. I mentally slapped myself. That was the past. I didn’t seek attention. I didn’t seek anything in particular.
Dr. Murphy called me in. It would be one hell of an afternoon. I wasn’t in the mood to chat. So it would be just me, Dr. Murphy and my ever so loyal friend I like to call silence.

Silence: how I long for it, how I dread it.

Music. Booze. People. Noise. Confusion. Drama. These are all words that describe a typical party in my town. It is sort of reminiscent of a place I knew…Psycobarth, I thought.

Numb. That’s how I feel mentally. My body would easily get swollen by the wave of the party and sooner or later I had no control over my inevitable weakness: alcohol. One more shot. Just one more. And then repeat.

Numb. That’s how I feel, when I see everybody moving to the beat, couples sticking tongues down each others throats, a minority of people actually speaking and everyone taking shots and getting drunk. How I feel until I see them. Then I feel anxious.

A flashback played in my mind. One that has played so many, many times.

Shall we return to that night I was on the dance floor, way before I met Harriet? That night I was looking at girls and one caught my eye: Leonora. Shall we advance a few hours, maybe even days to the moment we were in bed? Time didn’t really matter for me at the time.

“I love you, don’t you love me?” She looked at me, slightly confused when I didn’t kiss her back or look her in the eye. She placed her trembling hands on my left cheek. I flinched at her touch. I didn’t love her. I never loved, just satisfied my lust. When I dare a look at her, I feel guilt. She had been so innocent and it seemed like I had taken it away, shattered her little heart to pieces.

She repeated her question, her voice squeaking at the end and shaky due to the lack of confidence. When I didn’t answer, she knew what had happened. She knew it was all just another one of my uncountable fucks. Just another one night stand. She had been naïve and young. Too young.

Guilty. I was so guilty. She started shaking as she gathered her clothes and got dressed. She didn’t even look at me as she sobbed her way out of the room.

My past. It has come back in the form of three very familiar guys: unchanged and immature. Judd was the tallest: the “alpha male” of the group. He was always cocky and over ambitious. Got every girl he wanted, was the captain of every team he was ever in and was the son every father wished they had. The one whose name I hated to see on my caller ID. Then we have Russell. Bleach blonde hair, sky blue eyes, amazing tan, good bone structure and a six pack: what girl wouldn’t want this? That’s all there is to Russell, just another pretty face, but a bubble for a mind. And last but not least Travis. Now, Travis was the only one of the bunch that I actually didn’t completely hate at that point. He was actually sort of rational and was conscious of his actions. When I was part of the bunch, he was even more conscious than me, but he has been Judd’s best friend since kindergarten, so he never backed away from his idiot of a friend.

Three guys walking towards me with a smirk planted on their faces: Judd in the middle, with the biggest grin of them all. I hated that grin. “Hey! Kaleb! Long time, no see…” He almost made me drop some of my drink when he nudged my shoulder. “I was expecting to find you here. So, my man, how have you been? Haven’t gotten much news from you…”

Of course, asshole, I didn’t want to see you ever again, I thought.

“What are you doing here?” I didn’t even greet. For what? I knew they came here for a reason, so I was going straight to the point.

“Aw, come on! Don’t tell me, you didn’t want to see us. Because we told you in a message we were going to be here and you still came. Look, it’s simple. We just have one little favor to ask…” I rolled my eyes.

It all started with a favor. It all ended with a favor.

“Are you seriously still mad at us because of the whole what’s-her-name thing again?” He asked.

“Her name was Leonora.” I stated. I wasn’t laughing like Russell or Judd were. Travis was staring at me completely serious though.

“Who cares? Now look, here’s the thing…” And he explained his carefully developed plan. He was either apologizing, so that I would help him get out of whatever problem he got himself into. I didn’t pay attention. I ignored him. When he was done he asked “So, what do you say?”

“Leave. I’m not with you anymore…” And with that I walked away leaving him staring at me with rage.

“Ungrateful son of a bitch!” He yelled as I walked away. And I finally felt like a ton had left my shoulders. Hopefully, they would leave me alone. Judd could be a jerk, but if you were once his friend, he wouldn’t lay his hands on you. One of the few qualities he had. Maybe the only one.

I sat on the staircase, finishing my cup and feeling the alcohol burning its way down my throat. It was a great sensation. One I had missed. One ton had left my shoulders, but I still had a lot of weight to carry.

I was afraid I couldn’t carry any longer.

I let my cup fall down on the carpeted floor and observe the atmosphere at the party. I recognized some faces, but most of them weren’t even from our school. And I saw this light suddenly shine on someone’s hair. Light brown hair. My eyes looked at the person. It was Harriet.

I got up on my feet as soon as I recognized her face. She was wearing a coat with a hood that covered part of her hair and her face. Her long hair fell on top of the darkness of the clothing she was wearing. She was walking in my direction, her steps following the rhythm. Her steps were steady. Her sudden confidence was perfectly visible in her posture. What happened to her? And why did I have the feeling something had happened like that before...?

She stood in front of me and took her hood off. Her eyes were deeply rimmed with black mascara, but no black eyeliner. She stared at me, her long dark lashes rarely fluttering, and wrapped her hand around my wrist. She led me to the living room of the house, where everyone else was, and where the music was blasting at its maximum volume. I didn’t even realize I was dancing, something I hadn’t done in ages, until she wrapped her arms around my neck and my arms wrapped around her waist. I looked her in the eye and I saw her smirk forming on her little thin lips. Then I saw her letting go of one of her arms and bringing a cup to those very lips. She was drunk. Very drunk. Her eyes gave her away.

She looked back at my eyes and brought her face close to mine. Only when I realized that she was about to press her lips into mine in a kiss, I let her go and turned my face, feeling her wet lips brush against my left cheek. The very cheek Leonora had once touched. She distanced herself from me and her eyes grew wide in confusion.

I told her that I couldn’t do it and apologized. Her thin lips twisted to form a straight line, no emotions shinning through it, before she stormed away from me and out of the crowded room. I didn’t know exactly what I had done to provoke that reaction from her. I didn’t even know if I was supposed to follow her.

Love was confusing.

Wait, love? I don’t love, I reminded myself.

I decided to follow her anyway. She left the house and was running down the driveway, the people making way for her. I ran after her, pushing a few people out of my way, because they didn’t have the same courtesy they had with Harriet. The streetlights were lighting the path in the dark streets. I saw her shadow turning on one of the corners, going into a narrow street. I went after her and found her throwing up on the concrete floor, holding her hand to the wall of a house to balance herself.

I walked slowly, avoiding creating any noise, and placed my hand on her back, taking her completely by surprise. She turned so that we would look at each other face-to-face and yelled “Why the fuck did you follow me?” I had never seen that side of her. I tried to reach my hand towards her cheek, but she pushed me away hard with both her hands on my chest.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I asked rather angry. I knew it couldn’t just be my fault. I didn’t even do anything wrong. She didn’t even answer. She just slapped her hand across my cheek, the same one where her lips had touched. She was breathing with paused and controlled breaths. She was relatively calm compared to when I had found her throwing up every indication that she had been drinking. Drinking a lot.

I was startled. And dazed. I had once again gotten an unexpected reaction and done nothing to deserve it. Before I had time to talk to her, she started hitting her fists against my chest and arms. In an act of defense, I grabbed her wrists and held them over her shoulders next to her head. I could see a faint hint of tears streaming down her pale cheeks.

“What is wrong?” I ask, this time with some care. I asked her as a friend and nothing more. I shall never be more than a friend. I shall never care for more than our friendship. Or would I?

She had been tense until then, but once I asked her that, she loosened up. I let go of her wrists when I was sure she wouldn’t hit me and placed my hands gently on her shoulders. I looked at her with empathy.

She then let go of all her emotions that were bottled up inside her. It’s as if all her secrets came pouring out her little, fragile heart without even the single, faintest whisper of a word. Words at times can be useful, but at times disposable. We can say a millions words with a single drop of a tear and an embrace of a friend. And sometimes there are no words to explain the simplicity of a smile. Words: an eternal mystery. Words: a dispensable necessity.
I wrapped my arms around her small frame and, oddly, that was the only thing I wanted to do at that moment: be there for her.

And even after she kicked me, and even after she left me, and even if she was in the rebellion. I still think I am in love with her…

Fuck! Maybe I really can’t help being in love.