Forgetting Everything That Isn't You (I Try Not To)

Luke and Ashton collapse on the bed, panting and sweating. Without thinking about it Ashton reaches out, dragging Luke closer to him. Luke rests his head on Ashton’s chest, letting it move up and down with Ashton’s breaths.

“You really meant it, right?” Luke questions, staring at the ceiling. Ashton combs his fingers through Luke’s hair, humming lightly.

“Of course. I’m in love with you Lukey,” he says, slightly slurring his words. Luke flips over, resting his chin on Ashton’s chest. For a second he just stares at Ashton’s droopy eyes and sweaty hair. His fingers trace their way down Ashton’s arm, tangling themselves with in Ashton’s hand.

“Promise you’ll remember in the morning?” Luke asks, squeezing his hand. Ashton laughs and leans down to place a light kiss to Luke’s forehead.

“Could never forget you,” Ashton says before winding his arm around Luke’s waist and falling asleep.

::

When Ashton wakes up there’s a brutal pounding in his head and for a full five seconds he’s terrified that he’s having a brain aneurysm. But when he realizes he’s still fully functioning he groans, rolling over and shoving his face into his pillow. When it seems sleep will not be gracing him again this morning he sits up, looking around the room. The hotel is too bright; some asshole, aka Luke, must have opened the curtains and now the sun was attempting to blind Ashton. He looks over at Luke’s side of the room; his bed is made and looks completely unslept in. All of his clothes are shoved into the suitcase in the corner of the room and Luke himself is no where to be found. Then Ashton takes a look at his own side of the room.

His clothes are thrown haphazardly on the floor around his bed. Looking down, Ashton realizes he is completely naked(which seems strange considering Ashton usually kept at least his boxers on). His hand blindly searches the nightstand next to his bed, grabbing at his glasses and shoving them on his face. Looking around again, making sure Luke is gone, Ashton climbs out of his bed and stumbles into the bathroom. His eyes widen as he stares at himself in the mirror; he’s covered in lovebites.

Like seriously, Ashton is pretty sure if you were to count up all of the hickies he’s had in his entire life it would be less than the ones covering his body right now. There are three lining the right side of his neck, one right behind his left ear, one on the base of his neck, two on his left collarbone, three on his abdomen, two on each hip and one on his inner thigh and seriously what the fuck happened last night?

He doesn’t have long to think about it before he’s crouched over the toilet, retching up the remains of last night. His fingers grip the toilet, stomach heaving and he wonders if this is punishment. Because he feels wrong. Shrugging it off he stands and gets in the shower, scrubbing the feel of anyone touching him off of his body. He hates it; hates the way his insides are gnawing at him like a blackhole trying to suck him away from the inside out. Hates the guilt that is clawing through his veins like demons scratching at the gates of hell. Hates that he feels guilty at all because he’s young and attractive and has no legitimate ties to anyone and he’s in a band for fuck’s sake; he’s allowed to have one night stands. But it makes his heart hurt all the same and he knows he’s not going to be able to meet a stupid pair of blue eyes for the rest of the day without feeling ashamed and jesus Ashton wonders how drunk he must have been for his mind to forget that he-whoever it was-wasn’t the right one. Ashton turns the water on so hot that it burns his skin because maybe if all the parts of him that that stranger touched are melted away it’ll be like it never happened.

When he gets out of the shower he dries off as much as he can, tying the towel tightly around his waist and pushing his fogged up glasses on his face. He walks into the room and the first thing he notices is Luke sitting on his bed. It makes his heart pound because, even though it’s totally illogical, maybe with Luke there sitting on the scene of the crime he’ll just know what Ashton’s done. But he doesn’t seem too bothered, with his feet on Ashton’s headboard and his face shoved in his phone. He doesn’t look up at Ashton, which Ash is incredibly thankful for as he races to shove a tee shirt on his body, just continues with whatever it is he’s doing.

“Hey, I got you a coffee and a donut,” Luke says as Ashton pulls on his boxers under his towel before dropping it and yanking on a pair of pants. When Luke finally looks up Ashton is breathing heavily because that may have been the fastest he’s ever gotten dressed. “You okay?”

“Y-yeah, just, uh, I have a killer headache,” Ashton stumbles over his words, reaching his hand up to cover his neck from Luke’s view. Luke’s hair is combed back into a gray beanie that Calum doesn’t even claim as his own anymore. He’s wearing Ashton’s black and purple Led Zeppelin shirt and those stupid black pants with the holes in the knees that Ashton both loves and hates.

“Yeah, you had quite a bit to drink last night,” Luke says, looking up at Ashton. He’s smiling this special smile that Ashton swears Luke only ever does for him and there’s something about his eyes that’s different from usual. His thumbs continue to tap at his phone even though can’t stop staring at Ashton.

“I must have; I can’t remember a thing,” he says. Luke’s eyes widen while his fingers freeze and his shoulders stiffen. His mouth opens and closes as his bottom lip trembles.

“You don’t remember anything?” he asks tentatively. Ashton thinks back to the day before, pushing through the murky mess that is his brain. He remembers going to the club, remembers doing shots with Niall and dancing with some girl. But after that it’s like his brain just shut off.

“Not anything important,” he says, watching as Luke’s face falls slightly. He pins his lips in a tight line, staring at Ashton for a moment before sitting up abruptly. Ashton watches, confused, as Luke stands and walks quickly to the door. He ignores Luke’s little limp because he’s afraid that if he thinks about someone else touching Luke his heart will squeeze so tight he might go into cardiac arrest.

“I, uh, Michael said something about, um, turtles and yeah it’s, I really gotta go,” Luke stutters, walking out the door and slamming it behind him before Ashton can even think about saying goodbye. For a while, he just stares at the door, half expecting Luke to come stumbling back in laughing at this stupid unfunny joke. But he doesn’t, so Ashton decides to use this time as damage control. First, he looks around the room for any evidence of what happened. He finds a used condom that almost made it in the trash and his bandanna from last night that now has a very obvious cum stain. He decides the bandanna isn’t worth it and throws both away in the trash can next to the vending machines at the end of the hallway on his room floor. He sighs, yanking his phone out and searching through his contacts until he finds her number. The phone barely rings before he gets a cheery hello.

“Hey Lou, do you, maybe, have any make up?”

::

Ten minutes later Ashton finds himself sat in front of the bathroom mirror in Lou’s hotel room while she pushes his head so far to the side he wouldn’t be surprised if his neck snapped. Niall sits on the counter in front of them, smirking.

“So, who’s the lucky guy?” Niall asks while Lou scrubs Ashton’s neck with this beige liquid stuff. Ashton shifts slightly, earning a slap from Lou who reminds him again to stay still.

“I don’t know,” Ashton mumbles, looking down. Niall cups his hand against the back of his ear, leaning closer to Ashton.

“What was that, buddy? I couldn’t quite hear you,” Niall asks again.

“I can’t remember,” Ashton says, louder this time. Niall raises his eyebrows at Ashton, kicking him lightly.

“Well if you can’t remember then there’s a chance that it was dear old Luk-”

“Don’t be mean Niall,” Lou cuts him off, throwing brush at his head. Niall dodges it, but take the hint and shuts up. Ashton regrets ever telling them about this stupid little crush he had on Luke.

“Are you sure this stuff is even going to work?” Ashton asks, glancing over at Lou. She has her tongue stuck out in concentration and her eyebrows are scrunched together.

“Positive,” she says, reaching down and grabbing some powder, smoothing it onto Ashton’s skin, “This is heavy duty stuff.”

“How do you know?” he asks. He just wants to make sure that Luke won’t see them. He feels like they’re an act of betrayal; which is stupid considering he’s not Luke’s, although not by choice. Still, he just wants them gone.

“Do you know how many times I’ve had to clean up after Harry and Louis? I swear, they’re like fuckin’ rabbits,” she says, now rubbing a tiny bit of lotion onto his neck. He stifles a laugh, because he can imagine Harry and Louis cause quite a bit of trouble. It was like they wanted to piss off managment. They probably did.

“Try sharing a tour bus with them,” Niall says, with a grimace on his face.

“I can imagine,” Ashton says, thanking god everyone on his bus was single. Except him and Luke. He wishes he and Luke could be not-single together.

“Annnd…finished!” Lou says, standing up to admire her work. Ashton looks in the mirror and okay wow, Lou wasn’t lying. Ashton can’t see the purple bites at all. Niall is glancing back and forth from Ashton to his phone, hopping off the counter.

“Good work Lou. Now we better get to Liam and Zayn’s room before the rest of the boys have a cow,” Niall says, walking in front of them towards the door. Today was their day off and considering how tired everyone was, they had all planned to do absolutely nothing together. Which Ashton is thankful for, he’s not sure he’d be great in a show today. Ashton follows them down the hallway and right before Lou enters the room he grabs her arm, pulling her back a bit.

“Really,” he says, gesturing to his neck, “Thank you for all of this.”

“You’re welcome. But you know Ash…you’re gonna have to tell him sometime,” she says, giving him a sad smile. He frowns at her, raising his eyebrows.

“About the hickies?” Lou just rolls her eyes because sometimes Ashton could be a right idiot.

“No! About the fact that you’re kinda sorta head over heels in love with him,” she says, slowly trudging into Liam and Zayn’s room. Ashton follows her in, whispering behind her.

“I’m not head over heels. It’s just a crush,” Ashton groans, a little too loudly.

“Who is Ashton in love with?” Michael says, from one of the beds, where he, Calum and Zayn are laying. Louis and Harry are sitting on the couch with Luke basically laying on top of them. He has his face pushed into Louis’ chest while Louis pets his hair and even though Ashton knows Louis is undoubtedly in love with Harry he still kinda wants to punch him in the face. Liam lays on the other bed while Niall runs over and jumps on him, earning him an elbow to the stomach.

“Uhh, um, H…Hugh Jackman. I have a crush on Hugh Jackman,” Ashton says, trying not to stare at Luke, who still hasn’t looked up at him. He can feel his face heating up while Michael looks at him like he’s gone crazy.

“You have a crush on Hugh Jackman?” Calum asks, sitting up to look at him. From the corner of his eye he can see Luke grip Louis’ shirt tighter while Louis just sighs and continues to pet his hair.

“Well honestly, who doesn’t?” Lou asks, slinging her arm around Ashton waist. He glances over at her, silently thanking her. She nods back and turns around to the group.

“I don’t know,” Louis says, “I’m not too keen on the muscley type.”

“Hey!” Harry says from beside him, removing his arm from around Louis’ shoulders and moving back to give him a pout, “I am very muscular.”

“Of course you are babe. You’re the exception,” Louis says, though he can’t keep himself from laughing. Luke laughs too, finally removing his head from Louis and moving to sit beside him. Ashton chuckles and goes to sit on the ground below Harry, groaning when Harry ruffles his hair. His stares at the TV in front of him, where 21 Jumpstreet is playing. But he can feel someone staring at him and it’s unsettling. Looking over, he finds Luke staring at him, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. That’s when Ashton notices that Luke is sporting a few hickies of his own, though he hadn’t taken any steps to cover them up. It’s like, the more Ashton tries to look away the more his eyes stayed glued to that spot. Images flash through his head; ones of pretty blond girls with big boobs sucking on Luke’s neck. Ones of hot tall boys making Luke moan. Basically anyone besides Ashton getting to touch Luke.

And that just wasn’t fair.

He’s knows it’s pretty hypocritical, considering Ashton himself slept with someone last night(that he can’t even fucking remember) but that’s different. The thought of Ashton sleeping with someone wouldn’t upset Luke in any way. But Luke sleeping with someone…it made Ashton want to vomit and cry all at the same time. So he can’t tear his eyes away, he just can’t. Luke seems content with staring right back at him, frowning slightly.

“What are you staring at, mate?” Louis pipes in from beside Harry, looking quizzically at Ashton.

“Uh, umm…” Ashton stutters, turning bright red. Not only is he upset that Luke has the hickies but now everyone knows Ashton was staring at them, “Luke has a hickey.”

“What? No way!” Michael says from the bed, jumping up and stomping over to the couch. He grabs Luke’s head, pushing it to the side so he can get a clear view of his neck, “Where did you even get that from?”

“Obviously from a mouth,” Harry comments while Louis snickers, whispering you could’ve done better into Harry’s side.

“Yeah, no duh. I mean like from who? Who do you even talk to besides us?” Michael questions, while Luke just turns bright red. Everyone is staring at Luke now except for Louis and Harry. Harry is staring off into space, probably thinking about Louis, while Louis is glaring at Ashton. And not like “you ate the last slice of pizza” glaring, but full on “if you come near me I will rip your dick off and make you eat it” glaring. Which Ashton isn’t really sure what he did to deserve that but he shrugs it off, instead listening intently for Luke’s answer.

“Uh, just some guy,” Luke answers and okay that hurts way more than if it’d been a girl. Because Ashton could understand why it wasn’t him if Luke wanted to sleep with a girl. Ashton wasn’t curvy and didn’t have boobs or a vagina, so like that wouldn’t work. But if he wanted “just some guy”? Ashton could totally be just some guy.

“A cute guy?” Zayn asks, not bothering to leave his spot on the bed. Ashton’s chest feels so tight it’s like an elephant has decided to sit on him. He wants to stop staring at Luke, he really does, because it hurts. He doesn’t want to see someone else’s marks on Luke or hear him talk about someone else being that close to him. He just wants his heart to stop beating sorapidly and his muscles to relax because he shouldn’t feel this way. It’s not fair to anyone in the band and it’s definitely not fair to Ashton because he should be able to look at his best friend without feeling like someone was ripping his heart out. He shouldn’t feel an ache deep inside him when he tries to sleep at night and he shouldn’t have to dig his fingernails so deep into his palms they draw blood when he see Luke flirting with other people.

“I guess,” Luke says, shrugging his shoulders.

“Well what did he look like?” Michael asks, shoving Luke over to make room on the couch. Harry scoots to the far end while Louis takes his place on Harry’s lap. Michael is still staring oddly at Luke, and Ashton could swear it’s about something more than Luke sleeping with someone but he’d never ask.

“Uhh,” Luke stumbles at first, eyes slightly wide, “He, he was my height. And he had dark hair, like really dark. He was kind of pale and um American,” and okay ow. Ashton’s not sure what he was expecting but that fact that Luke wanted someone that was the exact opposite of him…it just kind of made him want to curl up and die. Ashton stares at Luke so long that his eyes begin to burn and water from not blinking. Or maybe not. Maybe he’s just crying but he’d never admit that, not even to himself. Before they can spill over and pathetically slide down Ashton’s cheeks Niall swoops in.

“Come on now,” he says, walking over and dropping himself next to Ashton, “Let’s let Luke keep his private life private. It’s polite.”

“When have you ever been polite to us?” Harry chirps in, resting his head on Louis’ shoulder while Louis leans back into him. Ashton glances at Niall for a second, silently thanking him, before nonchalantly rubbing each of his eyes.

“Maybe not to you, Styles. But to my best friends here,” Niall trails off, slinging one arm around Ashton’s shoulders and the other up onto Luke’s lap. Harry gasps and clutches his chest.

“My heart is broken,” Harry gasps, while Louis just snorts on top of him. In any other situation, Ashton probably would have laughed at their banter. But today he chooses to stare at the wall, his lips pinched in a tight line. His headache has returned(or maybe it’s just a new one) and he can feel it pulsing in his head.

“Well was this mystery man at least a good lay?” Michael asks, again trying to squeeze more information out of Luke. Ashton doesn’t want to hear the answer, he doesn’t, and he’s never wanted to be deaf in his whole entire life except this moment and he can feel his headache worsen when Luke breathes out a yes.

“Yeah, phenomenal,” Luke says, watching Ashton all the while. Ashton prays the younger boy didn’t see the way his body stiffened, hopes he’ll ignore that Ashton squeezed his eyes tightly shut. His fingers dig into his kneecaps but before he can do any damage Niall grabs his hand and smoothes out his fingers before standing up and pulling Ashton with him.

“Well, I’m going to go get some food,” Niall says, glancing around at the rest of them.

“I thought we were staying here all day?” Louis asks, glaring at Niall for ruining their plans. Niall just shrugs and walks towards the door.

“Yeah, well I’m hungry. And so is Ashton, right mate?” Niall replies, looking over at Ashton who is still stood in place next to the couch. He blinks back to reality and nods. Honestly, Ashton is positive he can’t eat but any excuse to get out of this room will be taken thankfully. He stumbles after Niall. Calum, Liam and Zayn get up too, claiming starvation(which is a little ridiculous). Lou leaves as well, claiming a “work emergency” which Harry questions because like, they are her work? She ignores them. Once out of the room Ashton feels like he can breath again and he does manage to eat a little at the diner they find. But only because Niall forced him.

::

Luke ignores Ashton for the rest of the day. He won’t even look at Ashton and it only makes Ashton feel guiltier. Like he’s dirty somehow and not even good enough for Luke to glance at. Lately, he’s been feeling like that a lot, but it only made it worse to have Luke confirm it. Not only that, but Michael and Louis have been shooting him glares all day and he just flat out hasn’t seen Liam. In truth, Ashton’s not sure what he did. Did he do something to piss them off while he was drunk? If that’s the case he doesn’t really think it’s fair considering he can’t even remember what happened. If he knew what to apologize for he would. Again, Ashton finds himself thankful they don’t have a show that night because playing while they’re this tense with each other wouldn’t exactly be a great performance. Instead he makes an excuse to leave the room, going back to his room instead.

When he gets there he lies on his bed and stares at the ceiling. His fingertips feel numb and he’s really cold but he doesn’t bother pulling the blanket around himself. Ashton could deal with the way the other’s were acting but Luke…Luke was different. The way he ignored Ashton, it was like Ash wasn’t even there. And that only made him feel like if he were to disappear completely Luke wouldn’t even notice. Like Ashton was so unimportant and useless that it didn’t matter if he was there or not, Luke wouldn’t care. Maybe Luke hated him now. Ashton gets it, really he does. He knows he’s not the most attractive person in the world and he’s loud and gets too excited too easily and he makes weird faces while he’s drumming. Luke has seen Ash at his absolute worst so Ashton understands why Luke won’t even look at him. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

He can hear the door open and close and he knows it’s Luke coming to bed. He doesn’t bother to move, just continues to stare. His eyes burn as he watches the ceiling fan spin around and around and he wonders when his head will stop spinning. Luke is quiet as he readies himself for bed and as he stands in between the two beds he seems to hesitate for a moment, staring in Ashton’s direction. When Ashton doesn’t move, Luke sighs angrily and yanks back the blankets on his own bed, sliding in. Ashton can feel tears dribbles from the corners of his eyes but his arms feel too heavy to move so he lets them dry there on the side of his face. It takes a while, but eventually Ashton hears snoring coming from Luke’s side of the room.

But Ashton can’t sleep. He keeps thinking back to how the night before had started, trying to remember how he got here. He hadn’t gone out intending to hook up with anyone, he hadn’t gone out with the intention of doing anything really. He had only gone because Niall had practically begged him the night before.

So Ashton squints his eyes and stares at the ceiling. He remembers going to the bar, he remembers that everything was dark and smelled like stale beer and too much perfume. He hadn’t wanted to drink but he remembers Niall’s pout and that he ordered a shot for Ashton without asking. He remembers that the booth seat was uncomfortable, that he wanted to go home, that he doesn’t even like alcohol, that Michael and Calum were no where to be found, and then he remembers looking to all the people dancing.

And there was Luke. With a pretty girl pressed up against him. His hands on her hips, pulling her closer. The smile on his face, the way he laughed at whatever she said, the way he leaned down just enough to let her press her lips against his. Ashton remembers that, he remembers hearing his heart crack again and again and he remembers thinking that he shouldn’t watch them any longer. Remembers Niall pulling, yanking his arm, drawing his attention away, remembers that look on Niall’s face…

“You know it will only be worse if you watch that, mate,” Niall says, sliding into the black faux leather booth seat across from Ashton. It squeaks underneath him and Ashton can just barely hear it over the music. Ashton knows he’s just trying to be nice, but he hates it. He hates that look in Niall’s eyes, like he pitties Ashton. It makes him feel small.

“Only make what worse?” Ashton says, forcing a smile. He plays dumb, because it’s easier to ignore it than to deal with it. Dealing with it is hard, it hurts. Niall just sighs, placing a hand on Ashton’s shoulder and rubbing lightly.

“You should just tell him, you know,” Niall says while Ashton just scoffs, “It would be better for the both of you.”

“Yeah? And how would that be better?” Ashton asks, laughing bitterly, “It would only make everything worse.”

“If you say so man, I just think-”

“I don’t want to talk about this. I want to have fun!” Ashton yells, finally downing his shot, “You promised this would be fun!”

“Alright, alright. I’m going to go get you another drink, stay here!” Niall says, scooting out of the booth and heads to the maple bar swarmed by people. Ashton watches him leave before turning around, eyes grazing the crowd until he spots Luke. His hands are still on the girl’s hips except now his fingertips disappear beneath the fabric of her skirt. His head is in the crook of her neck, kissing her while her body moves against his. Ashton might be sick. Before he can look away, Luke lifts his head and circles the room eyes landing on Ashton. Because he doesn’t want to look creepy he smiles and raises both hands in a thumbs up at Luke while Luke just frowns at him. Ashton turns around before their interaction can continue.

“Alright Ashton, prepare to forget everything and get fucking plastered!” Niall cheers, placing a tray of shots on the table, sliding in across from Ashton. If Ashton weren’t already sulking he probably would have smiled back.

::

When Ashton wakes up Luke has already gathered all of his things and left. It makes Ashton’s head hurt thinking that Luke is still mad at him. He doesn’t even know where to start with that, he can’t apologize if he doesn’t even know what he did. He shrugs, getting up and taking a quick shower. The bruising on his neck has started to fade and Ashton doesn’t have time to ask Lou for help so he just throws on a hoodie and hopes it covers his neck completely. his stuff is already packed away, he’s always been organized. So it doesn’t take him long to get down to the main lobby where Luke and Calum are waiting for him. Calum smiles when he sees Ashton, waving brightly.

“Hey Ash,” he chirps, looking back down at his phone when it rings. Luke ignores Ashton completely, again. But today Ashton isn’t having it. They have to play a show tonight so Luke is going to have to get over whatever the fuck is bothering him and soon. Ashton refuses to play a bad show for the fans just because Luke has decided to throw a hissy fit.

“Hey Luke,” Ashton mumbles quietly, stepping closer to him. Luke looks up from his phone, eyes searching Ashton’s face before he sighs, shoving it in his pocket.

“What Ashton?” Luke asks, harshly. It shocks Ashton, because yeah Luke was ignoring him but he didn’t expect him to be mean. All of the confidence he had about putting an end to this is squashed down, like Luke stepped on it right in front of him.

“I, uh, I just wanted to, you know-”

“Well, spit it out before you forget,” Luke says sharply, glaring at Ashton. Ashton can feel his hands shake lightly and his whole body aches because even if he thought Luke was acting stupid he still loves him.

“Why would I forget?” he counters, playing with the hem of his shirt. He can hear Luke laugh; it makes him want to curl up in the corner.

“You seem to be failing to remember a lot lately,” and Ashton is so confused because if this is about when they went out he wishes Luke would just tell him already. He doesn’t understand what he could have done to make Luke this angry. Everyone always told him he was a fun drunk, he couldn’t have done anything that bad. Right? “You’re staring Ashton.”

“What?” Ashton says, coming out of his daze. He snaps his eyes up, looking at Luke’s. His eyebrows are furrowed and he frowning at Ashton.

“I said you’re staring,” Luke repeats, softer this time. Something about it seems too familiar, like he’s had this conversation before and just can’t remember it. He lowers his eyes, taking a step back.

“Right, I uh, I’ll just leave you alone then,” Ashton says, very aware of the “great” he hears Luke grumble out. But he’s too focused now, trying to remember when that had come up before. You’re staring Ashton. Who had he been staring at? Who was he talking too? He wracks his brain, trying to recall every conversation he’d had in the last few weeks. Nothing comes to mind.

::

It isn’t until they’re all sat on the tour bus, well on their way to the next venue, that Ashton relieves his déjà vu. He’s sat with Calum in the back lounge, the door open. They’re playing cards, though Ashton’s not sure why; they’re both pretty shit at it. He looks up while it’s Calum’s turn, glancing down the hall of beds. Luke and Michael are hugging and Ashton doesn’t want to be jealous but he can’t help it. Luke won’t even talk to him but there he is, cuddling up to Michael.

“You’re staring, mate,” Calum says, glancing around to where Ashton’s looking, “What are you looking at?”

“Did we talk that night we went out?” Ashton asks, looking back at Calum. Calum just raises his eyebrows.

“Ashton, I’m with you like ninety percent of the time,” Calum says blankly, looking unamused, “Chances are, we talked.”

“No, I mean…” Ashton pauses straining his thoughts, pleading with his brain to just remember already so he can know why Luke is treating him like the worm in his apple.

“You’re staring Ashton,” Calum says, leaning against the bar next to Ashton. By now Niall has gone off with some girl, Tammie or Sammie or some name Ashton didn’t actually listen to. He had been by himself, buzzed but not drunk, sipping a beer that definitely could’ve tasted better. He’s hot and he wants to go home but he can’t because Luke is still out there. So he stands next to the bar, watching and trying not to seem hurt.

“I’m not staring at anything,” Ashton replies even though they both knew he was. It’s just that, Luke has moved on to a new dancing partner; a boy this time. They stand, facing each other and Ashton’s pretty sure their chests are touching. It makes his entire body feel achy, like a peach being dropped from a second story window onto hard concrete. And then run over with a car.

“Yeah you are,” Calum replies, “But to be fair, you’re always staring at Luke.”

“How did you know?” Ashton asks, snapping his head up to look at Calum, who just smirks back.

“I spend all day everyday with you, it’s pretty easy to figure out,” Calum says and Ashton wonders when he became so damn transparent, “Although I’m pretty sure Michael is clueless.”

“Well it doesn’t even matter,” Ashton spits, slamming his beer down, “None of it even fucking matters.”

“Well, you don’t actually know that Luke doesn’t feel-”

“He doesn’t, Calum, but thanks for bringing that up,” Ashton sulks. His eyes are glossy and his bottom lip quivers, it makes him feel so small and childish. He simultaneously wants to throw himself on the ground, kicking and screaming until he gets what he wants, and to ignore all of this and just let Luke being happy. The adult and child in him wage a war, his brain versus his heart, while Ashton just turns around ordering enough drinks to make them both shut up.

“How do you know?” Calum asks, gently bringing a beer of his own to his lips. He looks at Ashton cautiously, trying to figure out if Ashton’s going to explode or implode.

“I can just tell,” Ashton whispers. His tongue feels too fat in his mouth, like it’s trying to protest even having to say the words, “Which is why I need more to drink.”

“If you think that’s best…” Calum trails off, eyeing the way his friend wavers slightly, unbalanced.

“I do,” Ashton says firmly, slurring an order for the bar tender in front of him. He can hear Calum sigh but he doesn’t turn to catch the disapproving look he’s sure to meet. He just wants to be free for one night, to stop feeling like Atlas beneath the clouds. He wants to drop them for one night, because it’s not fair, how is one person supposed to keep the ground and sky separate? It’s all so heavy, everything is heavy…

“You know?” Ashton asks, furrowing his eyebrows and staring Calum in the eye.

“Know what?”

“About me, about how I…” and Ashton can’t even get the words out, because saying it makes it all so real.

“How you’re massively in love with Luke? Yeah, I think I knew before you did,” Calum says, laughing at the disgruntled look on Ashton’s face.

“I’m not, I’m not in love with him,” Ashton mumbles, face turning red. His heart squeezes and every beat whispers “Liar!” into his ears. He hopes Calum can’t hear it.

“Who is Ashton not in love with?” Michael asks, shuffling into the lounge with Luke hot on his tail. He throws himself down while Luke leans against the doorway.

“Calum,” Ashton says, staring at his thumbs, “I’m not in love with Calum.”

“Well duh, I could’ve told you that,” Michael laughs. Calum raises a hand to his chest, playing offended.

“Excuse you, I am perfectly lovable,” Calum replies, effectively diverting attention away from Ashton. They launch into a conversation about just how cute Calum really is. Ashton gets up, walking past Luke towards the bunks. He can feel Luke following him but he waits until they’re a good distance away from Michael and Calum to turn around. Luke just stares at him and for the first time Ashton catches just how tired Luke looks. There are dark purple bags under his eyes and fresh spots of acne have popped up on his forehead and chin. His hair lies flat on his head, looking dry without gel in it.

“Did you need something?” Ashton asks. For a while Luke just stares at him, scrunching his eyebrows together as if Ashton just said fifa was shit(which he has, many times).

“You’re unbelievable, do you know that?” Luke says angrily and it shocks Ashton because he hasn’t even done anything. He opens his mouth and closes it a few times, trying to figure out what to say to Luke.

“Did I do something?”

“Did you do something!” Luke nearly shouts, throwing his hands in the air, “God, you’re…you’re such an asshole!”

“Well it’s a good thing you didn’t sleep with me then, isn’t it?” Ashton remarks. As soon as he said it he knows it’s wrong. It’s a line he can’t cross because friends don’t get mad when friends have sex with someone. Ashton shouldn’t be mad. But he is; it bubbles up inside of him like lava ready to erupt while jealousy coils around his veins and leaves callouses on his heart. He ignores the ache that leaks into his bones like acid leaking into underground pools of water because that one hurts too much and makes Ashton’s brain feel fuzzy and heavy.

“Oh it’s great, just great,” Luke yells sarcastically, glaring at Ashton. He pops the muscle in his jaw, seething a spewing fire at Ashton like an angry dragon, “I think I’m really starting to hate you.”

And Ashton totally does not crawl into his bunk afterward and cry. He does not let any tears fall from his eyes. He doesn’t wrap his arms around himself to keep from falling apart. He doesn’t replay what Luke said again and again. He does not feel like Eeyore must have when he lost his tail over and over. He really doesn’t.

Okay, maybe he does a little.

::

That night they play a show. Ashton plays his drums perfectly, Luke doesn’t miss a single cord or sing a pitch out of place. Michael and Calum play like they were born strumming these songs. The crowd cheers, the lights go off, the night ends.

But it all felt wrong. It was too perfect, too robotic, too manufactured. Ashton doesn’t want to be manufactured. They’re people; they mess up, they play around with each other, they get distracted. But tonight things are plain and boring and perfect.

Luke doesn’t turn around to look at Ashton once. But then again he doesn’t turn to really look at Michael or Calum either. While Ashton really wants to believe that it’s just because something weird is going on with Luke, he knows that it’s because of him. Ashton did something to piss Luke off, to make Luke hate him. He just wishes he could remember what.

When they all enter the bus their manager is sitting on one of the front couches. He tells them that tomorrow is going to be another off day (this tour was poorly planned) but they’re going to drive to the next city tonight anyways. Once there they’re allowed to check into the hotel and do whatever they want for the day.

“Luke and Ashton you’ll be rooming together, Michael and Calum you’re on the other side,” their manager, Scott, tells them. Ashton nods, because maybe this is their chance. If their stuck in a room together, maybe Ashton can actually figure out what’s going on with Luke.

“I want to room with Michael,” Luke says, without looking up. Everyone turns to look at him, except Ashton who chooses instead to stare at his hands. Scott stares with wide eyes, he doesn’t understand; Luke and Ashton had been so close only a few days ago. Luke used to beg to share with Ashton and Ashton would make secret deals with Calum to trade rooms if they ever did get separated. Now they seem more distant than strangers.

“You want… What?” Scott says, shaking his head because maybe he just imagined that. Luke looks up at them, with glossed eyes. He still refuses to look at Ashton, finds it easier to ignore his presence completely.

“I don’t want to share with Ashton,” Luke says, loud but voice quivering, “So I figure it might be best just to room with Michael.” He says it with such finality that Scott doesn’t bother protesting, he just furrows his eyebrows and makes note of the change in his planner. Calum looks back and forth between Luke and Ashton, trying to catch whatever it is that he missed.

“Why?” he asks, staring open mouthed at Luke. Up until now, Calum was pretty sure Luke was in love with Ashton.

“I just don’t okay,” Luke says, discretely wiping beneath one of his eyes and getting up, storming off before anyone can object. Michael sighs, shooting one last glare at Ashton before getting up and chasing after Luke. Calum turns to Ashton, scooting closer to him and waiting for him to speak; to enlighten Calum on the situation at hand.

“I don’t know what I did,” Ashton whispers. He can feel his heart begin to race, to hurt with each pulse. It feels like there are steel spikes connected to the inside of his ribcage and everytime he takes a breath they stab at his lungs, “He hates me and I don’t even remember why.”

“He doesn’t hate you,” Calum reassures, placing a hand on Ashton back and rubbing lightly.

“He does, he told me,” Ashton whispers, leaning into Calum because he not sure how much longer he’s really going to be able to hold himself up for. Calum scoots closer, supports Ashton’s weight.

“I’m sure he didn’t, maybe you just took it the wrong way,” Calum says. He knows it’s a pretty poor excuse but it’s the only thing he can think of and he just wants to make Ashton feel better. Because right now Ashton looks like a kicked puppy and Calum’s heart breaks a little bit for him.

“How do you take “I think I’m really starting to hate you” the wrong way?” Ashton asks quietly, like he’s ashamed. Calum gasps lightly because Luke didn’t talk to anyone like that, not even people he actually hated.

“Wow…” Calum says because he doesn’t really know how to respond. It makes Ashton curl further into himself, pouting and fidgeting, “Did something happen?”

“No!” Ashton replies immediately, because well he would never do anything to hurt Luke. But it makes him back track because obviously he did something if Luke hates him, “Maybe? I don’t know! We were fine before we all went out and now we’re just…he won’t even talk to me, Cal.”

“What about when we went out? I know I saw you guys talking,” Calum replies, looking at Ashton for answers. But obviously if Ashton knew what was wrong he would have already fixed it, doesn’t Calum get that? Ashton doesn’t want things to be this screwed up.

“I don’t remember! I can barely remember anything,” Ashton’s voice falls to a whisper but it still feels like throwing up rocks, “What if we’re like this forever?”

“Hey, it’s not going to last long, alright?” Calum says, throwing his arm around Ashton’s shoulder, “Whatever you did, it was while you were drunk. He can’t stay mad forever.”

“Yeah, alright. I think I’m just going to go to bed,” Ashton says, standing up and brushing his pants off. He can feel Calum’s eyes on him but he doesn’t want to look up, because he doesn’t want to feel like he’s needs to be taken care of. He’s not a child.

“You sure you’re okay?” Calum asks and he begins walking away. Ashton shrugs and keeps walking to his bunk. He pulls his pants and shirt off in a hurry, throwing them with the rest of his things and climbing into his bunk. He pulls the curtain, fully intending on spending the rest of the night with a sulky face. He can rustling outside his bunk but he assumes it’s Calum, so he evens out his breathing and closes his eyes pretending to sleep. Someone pulls at his curtain before shutting it just as quick.

“I can’t just forgive him, Mikey, not for what he did,” Luke whispers. Ashton can hear his heart pick up and he knows he shouldn’t be listening but he doesn’t bother trying not to either.

“I’m not asking you to forgive him. But things can’t stay this weird between you two; bands aren’t successful when half of it’s members can’t even look at each other,” michael whispers back.

“Okay but, it’s just, it hurts Michael,” Luke lets out a whimper that pains Ashton’s heart. because Luke is hurt and it’s all his fault and he can’t even make things right because he doesn’t even know what the fuck he did.

“I know, and he deserves the shit beaten out of him for what he did, but…but if you’re not even going to try we might as well call it quits right now,” Michael replies, softer this time. Luke doesn’t say anything back but a few minutes later Ashton can hear both of their bunks curtains being pulled. He lays there, staring at the ceiling for a second before his phone buzzes; a tweet notification.

@Luke5SOS: I should have listened when you said love was stupid

It’s altogether too vague and too familiar. He can taste them on the tip of his tongue, can feel the words in his mouth. He’s definitely already said it, he just doesn’t know where. Love is stupid, but he wouldn’t have ever told that to someone. Ashton liked being positive, liked looking at the world and seeing the good. He liked making other people happy. So he wouldn’t have said that to anyone, unless, unless he had already been drinking.

Ashton is drunk but not bad drunk. He’s not black-out drunk. Yet. He kind of wishes he was though, because Luke is walking towards him all smiles and candy hearts. Ashton wants to run away but he’s kind of afraid that if he gets up he’ll fall down. Falling on your face in a dirty bar is not exactly a turn on, for anyone. And even if he knows it doesn’t matter he still wants to be a turn on for Luke. Just a little bit. So the only thing he can do is grip his beer tighter and place the most believable smile on his lips that he can muster. Luke smiles brightly when Ashton waves at him, practically skipping and throwing himself on the stool next to Ashton.

“Hey Ash!” Luke shouts, trying to make sure Ashton can hear him, “What are you doing here by yourself?”

“Just thinking,” Ashton slurs. The words taste weird in his mouth and his tongue feels like it’s covered in cotton balls. But Luke nods and as long as he can understand Ashton, Ashton doesn’t really care what he sounds like.

“About what?” Luke asks, cocking his head to the side. He doesn’t understand why Ashton has been sitting here all night long, not even trying to have fun.

“Lukey,” Ashton says, slamming a hand on Luke’s shoulder, pulling him closer. Luke holds in a laugh at the sloppy movement, grinning when Ashton’s hands move to his face, patting his cheeks, “Lukey boy.”

“Yes?”

“Do you ever just think about how stupid everything is?” Ashton asks and it’s not really what Luke’s expecting. It seems dark in an innocent way, like a child realizing that sometimes bad things happen for the first time.

“What?” is all Luke can manage, because really he has no idea what Ashton’s talking about.

“Everything,” Ashton sighs dramatically, moving his hands away from Luke’s face, “Everything we do, everyone out there. All of us want one thing and we’ll spend our entire lives trying to find it if we have to.”

“And what is that?”

“Love,” Ashton says, moving away from Luke completely, “All anyone wants is to find that one person that they can sit at home with all day and be completely content. We’re all just looking for that one person that makes our hearts hurt just a little bit less.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” Luke asks because really everything that Ashton is describing sounds kind of nice. Really nice. He doesn’t tell Ashton that he’s already found that person, that if only Ashton would just wake up they could have that together. Instead he reminds himself that it’s not that easy, that Ashton doesn’t even like him like that, that they could never have one of those days because Ashton most certainly was not in love with Luke.

“Love is stupid,” Ashton shouts, throwing his hand in the air, the liquid in his bottle sloshing around, “It’s stupid and I hate it.”

“You hate love?” Luke asks incredulously, while Ashton nods vigorously.

“Love is crazy, the whole idea of it! That chemicals in your brain are telling you that you “love” this person. But…but it doesn’t feel like just chemicals, you know? It’s like a swirl of happiness and you can feel it in your heart but sometimes you can’t even have that person and…and it’s just stupid! It’s so, so stupid!”

“Don’t you think it’s kind of beautiful, though?” Luke asks, grabbing Ashton’s shoulder to keep him steady. Luke was kind of afraid Ashton was going to fall over. Ashton’s hand flew up to Luke’s grabbing it and twining their fingers. He stares at it for a moment, seeming lost, before looking back at Luke.

“No! It hurts and aches and makes me want to rip my bones out,” Ashton say, less animated. He squeezes Luke’s hand; he wants Luke to understand. With his fuzzy brain Ashton can’t seem to understand how Luke doesn’t know by now, “So, it is in fact stupid.”

“Whatever you say, Ash,” Luks says, but he feel like someone just punched him in the gut. He hadn’t realized, he didn’t know Ashton was in love with someone. Somehow that makes everything so much worse, makes everything hurt more. While he sits there, staring at their hands, Luke can’t help but agree. Love is pretty stupid.

Ashton groans softly, rolling over and shoving his face in the pillow. Maybe love was stupid, but Ashton Irwin was a fucking idiot.

::

When Ashton wakes up it’s because they’re at the hotel. All of the boys get up, grumbling and sleepy eyed. Luke still won’t talk to him but right now Ashton can’t even bring himself to care. He’s tired and all he wants to do is get breakfast tacos and watch sad movies on his laptop. Also pants, he doesn’t want to wear pants anymore.

They all carry their suitcases with them, walking off the bus to be greeted with screaming fans. Even though Ashton is dead tired and emotionally dead it still brings a smile to his face. He stops to take as many pictures as he can, signing as things as he can and telling everyone within hearing range that he loves them. It feels good, he still can’t believe that all of these people came here just for them.

When then check into the hotel (Luke is still set on rooming with Michael) Ashton flops down on his bed. He doesn’t bother putting his suitcase away or lining his shoes next to the door because he doesn’t have the energy to be organized. Instead he tugs his skinny jeans off without bothering to look at Calm and pulls his laptop out of his backpack. His search through Netflix is short, because he just wanted something cheesy and romantic. He ends up with the one where John Cusack holds the boom box over his head (Say Anything) because he’s a sucker for happy endings. He doesn’t talk to Calum, just buries himself in a pile of pillows and blankets and watches the movies quietly. He’s halfway through when he feels someone jump on his bed, efficiently bringing him back to reality.

“Calum, I swear to God if you don’t get the fuck off-”

“Guess again, mate,” Niall says, ripping the blankets off Ashton head. Ashton glares at him through squinted eyes, trying and failing to get the blankets back.

“Why do you just assume it was me? I am trying to be respectful of your heart break,” Calum says from where he’s sat on his own bed. Ashton’s about to respond when Niall cuts in.

“What’s this about heartbreak?”

“Luke and Ashton are having a bit of a fight,” Calum says leaving Ashton wondering when hating someone became a “bit” of a fight.

“Why?” Niall asks Calum, completely facing him.

“I’m here too you know,” Ashton mutters, reaching over to pause his movie. Niall turns to hm while Calum just goes back to his phone.

“Right. So what happened?” Niall asks.

“I, uh, don’t really know,” Ashton responds. Niall looks at him like he’s waiting for the punch line.

“I don’t get it,” Niall says, looking back and forth between Ashton and Calum.

“Ashton got wasted that night we all went out and did something to piss Luke off which he can’t actually remember,” Calum says without looking up.

“You mean the night Ashton got laid?” Niall asks, looking at Ashton for confirmation. Ashton only nods.

“You got laid?” Calum asks, dropping his phone and looking at Ashton. Ashton’s cheeks turn pink and his skin feels all dirty. He doesn’t like it.

“Yeah, didn’t you know? Had, like, a thousand hickies,” Niall throws out nonchalantly while Ashton aims a pillow at his head.

“Who did you sleep with?” Calum asks, getting up to sit on Ashton’s bed.

“I don’t actually know,” Ashton says, “By the time I woke up they were gone.”

“Mate, what the fuck,” Calum says, looking at Ashton with wide eyes, “How did you manage to piss Luke off and sleep with someone without any of us realizing and without even remembering it?”

“What if he did both of those things at once?” Niall asks, looking just at Calum now.

“What do you mean?” Calum asks, quirking an eyebrow.

“What if he slept with Luke?”

“I did not sleep with Luke,” Ashton dismisses quickly, though they both seem to ignore him. Calum seems to be considering it when Niall speaks again.

“It would makes sense. Luke is the one that brought Ashton home.”

“Niall. Stop it,” Ashton says. His voice is loud but it quivers and everything just hurts. He feels like he’s riding the teacups and everything just keeps spinning faster and faster. Ashton just wants to get off, “What did you come over here for anyways?”

“Can’t I just come over to hang out with my friends?” he responds. Both Calum and Ashton raise their eyebrows at him, “Fine, everybody is going out tonight and I was sent here to ask if you guys wanted to come.”

“No,” Ashton says immediately. If he did something awful to Luke the first time, who’s to say he wouldn’t do it again?

“Come on, it will be fun,” Niall whines, grabbing onto Ashton’s hands. Ashton shakes his head; he can’t. He won’t.

“Ash, I bet you Luke is planning on drinking a lot tonight. He’s going to need someone to look after him tonight,” Calum says and Ashton doesn’t miss the way Calum and Niall exchange looks.

“One of you can do it,” Ashton says, crossing his arms over his chest. He can already feel his resolve slipping though.

“I’ll probably be making sure Michael doesn’t get arrested and I’m sure Niall doesn’t want to do that,” Calum says while Niall is quick to start nodding his head.

“Fine, but just know I hate both of you.”

::

The music is loud, the lights are too hot and Ashton’s pants are too tight. He wants to go home the second he steps into the club, except this time he doesn’t mean his hotel-home. He wants to go back to Australia where everything is familiar and nice. Back to a land where Luke doesn’t hate him. But he figures he may as well have some fun while he’s here. He follows Niall out to where everyone is dancing. Almost immediately a girl finds her way into Ashton’s hands, so he holds her hips and lets her move against him. He can feel someone watching him though, so he lifts his head and scans the room.

At the bar, Luke and Michael sit. Michael has his back turned to Ashton, ordering drinks, while Luke just glares. Except he’s not even really looking at Ashton, for a second it almost seems like he’s looking at the girl in Ashton’s arms. Ashton pulls his hands away from her, moving back a little to create some distance between them. When he looks back at the bar, Luke wears a satisfied smirk. Michael hands him a shot of something and Luke downs it without looking.

Ashton tries to keep his focus on the girl in front of him, but the more Luke stares the more flustered he becomes. Eventually he shakes his head and vows to forget about Luke altogether for a while. He pulls the girl close again and tries not to think at all. His body movies on autopilot and he savors to feeling of being completely out of his head. By the time he even thinks about looking back up at Luke the blonde haired boy is gone.

::

Ashton is sitting at the bar, by himself, drinking a sprite. He doesn’t want a repeat of last time and besides, the last time he saw Luke the boy was already stumbling around. He’s definitely going to need someone to walk him home, so Ashton stays completely sober. He can see Luke wandering over to him, tripping over his own feet every so often. Normally, Ashton would get up to help Luke over but now he’s afraid he’ll scare the blonde off. So he just smiles, waving with one hand while he places the other on the barstool next to him. Luke throws himself down angrily, nearly falling off in the process. When Ashton reaches out to steady him Luke shoots him a glare so he lets his arms fall to his side.

“I think I really hate you,” Luke yells too loudly, slamming his hands down on the bar. People around turn to look at him, shocked.

“You told me,” Ashton deadpans, definitely not in the mood for this.

“But only because I love you so much,” Luke grumbles, this time saying it more to himself than Ashton. It makes Ashton’s heart pick up and his stomach twist, he can’t really bring himself to believe it though. Can you ever really trust words that come out of a drunk mouth?

“That…that doesn’t make any sense Luke,” Ashton says, furrowing his eyebrows. Luke throws his hands in the air, looking at Ashton like he just said the most obvious thing in the world.

“You don’t make any sense! First you just want to be friends which sucked because I really, really, really like you, but I could deal with it, you know? And then you’re telling me you love me and telling me shit about how you could never forget about me. But in the morning you won’t even look at me! And you start talking about how you didn’t remember anything “important” like sleeping with me was the most insignificant thing you could have done! And then you covered up the stupid hickies that I gave you like they were just this disgusting reminder of what we did, I mean, how rude is that?” Luke yells, sounding completely flabbergasted.

“I…We slept together?” Ashton stutters out because of all the things to forget how could he have not remembered sleeping with Luke?

“Yeah! And you said you would…” Luke trailers off, stopping himself. He looks Ashton up and down momentarily, confused, “Wait, you really don’t remember?”

“No, I remember going there but I don’t even remember…” Ashton trails off as it all starts to come back to him. He remembers letting Luke drag him home, remember telling Luke he loved him. And then he remembers it, the way Luke would shudder beneath him every time Ashton would press into that one spot, the way he moaned Ashton’s name and arched his back off the bed, the way his legs felt wrapped around Ashton’s waist, “Oh my god.”

"Yeah," Luke says, looking down at his lap, "You told me you loved me."

And then everything from that comes back to Ashton.

Ashton is wasted. Like properly stumbling around, slurring words wasted. He clings onto to Luke’s arm like a lifeboat and Luke can’t deny he kind of really loves it. Ashton was clingy when he was drunk, but he was only clingy with Luke. It made Luke smile. When Ashton stumbles over another sentence, slurring his words so badly Luke is pretty sure even he didn’t understand himself, Luke smiles and winds his arm around Ashton’s waist. He tugs Ashton up, smiling and nodding at Michael who promises to bring Calum back to the hotel in one piece. Ashton doesn’t question where they’re going, he just leans his head to the side. resting his head on Luke’s shoulder and hums happily. Luke has to support Ashton’s weight for most of the walk home but he doesn’t mind. He never minds being close to Ashton.

“Lukey,” Ashton mumbles when Luke lets go of him just enough to open the door to their shared hotel room. They stumble inside, Luke heads straight for Ashton’s bed, dropping the heap of a boy down. Before he can turn for his own bed Ashton grabs his hand, yanking him down, “Lukey!” he whines louder this time.

“What Ash?” Luke asks, smiling down at Ashton, who is laying on his side.

“I love you,” Ashton says, loud and deliberate. Luke lets out a soft laugh, and his smile widens.

“I love you too, man,” Luke replies but Ashton only frowns. He sits up, running his hand through his hair roughly, groaning.

“No! No you don’t get it,” Ashton yells, throwing his hands in the air. He looks desperately at Luke, silently pleading with him, “Why don’t you get it yet?”

“Get what?” Luke asks, confused. It only makes Ashton’s frown deepen and Luke just doesn’t understand because how on earth did Ashton want him to respond?

“I love you, Lukey,” Ashton repeats, quieter this time. He keeps eye contact with Luke as he scoots closer, placing his hand on Luke’s thigh, “I’m in love with you.” Luke furrows his eyebrows, his heart thumps louder in his ears and he can feel hope spinning in his veins and he just wants.

“You’re drunk,” Luke says through closed teeth that’s the only logical thing he can think of. Ashton will wake up tomorrow and he’ll laugh at what he said and tell Luke that it didn’t mean anything, that it was the alcohol talking. That of course Ashton wasn’t in love with Luke, obviously he wasn’t.

“That doesn’t change anything,” Ashton mumbles, he slides over and sits himself on Luke’s lap. His hands come up to cup Luke’s cheeks, brushing hair away from his face, “It doesn’t change that I wake up in the morning wondering what you’re doing, or that when your hair is all messy because you just woke up I really just want to touch it. It doesn’t change that I spend my free time researching stupid facts about penguins just to impress you or that I can’t sleep at night because it feels wrong without you there or that when I’m around you I feel like I’m flying. And it most certainly doesn’t change that I love you,” the words are still slurred and he’s bobbing his head slightly like he’s having trouble holding himself up but it’s like Luke can finally hear it.

“You..you don’t mean it,” Luke whispers, feebly trying one last time to get Ashton to back out. Trying to make sure Ashton really means this before he does anything stupid, “You’ll regret this in the morning.”

“I could never regret you, Luke,” Ashton mumbles, shoving his face in Luke’s neck and gripping his shoulders, “I love you.”

“I thought love was stupid?” Luke question, pulling back so he can look at Ashton’s face. Ashton just grins at him though, all lopsided and teeth.

“It is,” he says, making Luke’s face fall slightly, “But so are we. And I’m willing to swim through the stupid as long as it’s with you. I’m stupid in love with you, Lukey.”

“I…I love you too,” Luke whispers, feeling the Ashton’s hands tighten around him. He pulls back, looking at Luke before slowly moving closer. Their lips touch softly as they work against each other and it’s better than Luke ever could have imagined, better than he had ever imagined. Luke leans backwards, pulling Ashton with him. They move faster now and Ashton pushes his lips harder against Luke’s. Luke reaches up to tangle his fingers in Ashton’s hair, arching his neck to one side when Ashton’s lips moves there. He never thought this would happen and his brain feels fuzzy and all he knows is that he wants to be closer. He wants to be as close to Ashton as he possibly can and right now they’re not close of enough. He tugs Ashton’s jacket off and flips him over, kissing him again and again, licking into his mouth, memorizing the way it feels against his tongue. Ashton holds firmly to his hips, his hands pushing Luke’s jeans down slightly so he can hold the skin there. Luke rolls his hips down tentatively, relishing in the moan he milks out of Ashton. So he does it again, and again and again until Ashton is gripping his hips so tight he’s sure there’ll be bruises tomorrow but he doesn’t care. He just wants to hear Ashton.

“Please Luke,” Ashton gasps, pulling away momentarily and rutting his hips up, pushing himself against Luke. It feels like lightning and still Luke just wants to be closer so when Ashton grabs at his shirt, pulling it off Luke’s head, he doesn’t protest. Instead, he gives Ashton the same treatment, running his hands over Ashton’s now naked chest and marveling at the boy beneath him. He goes back to kissing Ashton, gripping his hair and rubbing their hips together. When he feels Ashton’s hands undoing the button of his jeans he pulls away, sense finally stumbling back into his head.

“Ash, don’t you think we should…we should…wait until you’re, oh god,” Luke sentence is cut off with his own moan when Ashton pushes his hand into Luke’s boxers, grabbing ahold of him lightly, he moves it slowly, watching the way Luke’s face contorts in pleasure.

“Please Luke, I’ve waited so long for you,” Ashton mumbles, moving his lips to Luke’s neck. He sucks a mark into the skin just below Luke’s ear, trailing down his neck again. He bites down just as he pushes his hips up against Luke’s, “Please, Luke, I need you.”

And Luke will be damned before he denies Ashton anything at this point.

Ashton collapse on Luke, rolling off of him to lay on his back. Without thinking about it Ashton reaches out, dragging Luke closer to him. Luke rests his head on Ashton’s chest, letting it move up and down with Ashton’s breaths.

“You really meant it, right?” Luke questions, staring at the ceiling. Ashton combs his fingers through Luke’s hair, humming lightly.

“Of course. I’m in love with you Lukey,” he says, slightly slurring his words. Luke flips over, resting his chin on Ashton’s chest. For a second he just stares at Ashton’s droopy eyes and sweaty hair. His fingers trace their way down Ashton’s arm, tangling themselves with in Ashton’s hand.

“Promise you’ll remember in the morning?” Luke asks, squeezing his hand. Ashton laughs and leans down to place a light kiss to Luke’s forehead.

“Could never forget you,” Ashton says before winding his arm around Luke’s waist and falling asleep.

“I…I do love you,” Ashton says, coming back to reality. Luke’s head snaps up, his eyes going wide. he scoots a little closer to Ashton, because really they’ve been separated for far too long.

“Really?” Luke asks, “I thought, I mean I just figured…”

“What?” Ashton questions, scooting closer himself. Luke’s eyes water and he blushes, though that could be from the alcohol. Ashton really just wants to reach out and run his fingers through Luke’s hair.

“That you didn’t,” Luke finishes, playing with his fingers. Ashton grabs them and laces their fingers together, waiting for Luke to look back up at him.

“Well I do. I’m in love with you Luke.”

“WIll you take me back to the hotel now, Ash?” Luke questions, trying to stand up on wobbly feet. Ashton laughs, standing up and winding his arm around Luke’s waist. Luke throws his arm around Ashton’s shoulders, clutching desperately to him, “Hey Ash?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you too.”

::

The next morning Ashton was the first to wake up. This time he wasn’t surprised at the situation he found himself in. Luke’s head is resting on his chest, his arms wrapped around Ashton’s waist. Looking around the room, Ashton finds that Calum’s bed is empty, still made from yesterday. He grabs his phone off of the night stand, trying not to disturb Luke. He opens the few new text messages he has.

Calum: I decided not to disturb you two and slept in Michael’s room.

Calum: Also I’ll be expecting a thank you letter sometime this week.

Michael: If this doesn’t mean you guys have made up I’m quitting the band.

Ashton laughs quietly to himself, running his fingers through Luke’s hair. He doesn’t bother replying to either of them, besides he doesn’t expect them to be awake yet anyways. He freezes when he feels Luke begin to shuffle on top of him, leaving his hand in place tangled in Luke’s hair.

“Ashton?” Luke says, voice deep and rough. He lifts his head and shifts enough so that he can look at Ashton’s face. Ashton gulps embarrassingly loud.

“Please say you remember, because I do not want to do all of that again,” Ashton whispers, afraid that speaking too loudly with have Luke running away. Luke closes his eyes and smiles wider than Ashton’s ever seen.

“You love me?” He questions, opening his eyes to look at Ashton’s face. Ashton nods at first before remembering that he does in fact have a voice.

“Yeah.”

“Say it.”

“I love you, Luke,” Ashton says. Luke scoots closer, cuddling closer to Ashton. He drops his head back onto Ashton’s chest, squeezing Ashton’s waist.

“I love you too,” Luke says, closing his eyes sleepy again.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Ashton asks, looking at the ceiling. Luke sighs, sitting up. He throws one leg over Ashton’s lap, sitting on Ashton’s upper thighs. He grabs Ashton’s hands, tangling all of their fingers together.

“I thought…” he trails off, unsure of how to finish. Ashton nudges him, watching his every move.

“You thought what?”

“The next morning, you said you didn’t remember anything. And when I questioned you about it you said you didn’t remember anything important. I just figured that, that it wasn’t important to you, that it was your way of telling me to just forget about,” Luke says, getting quieter as he goes. Ashton squeezes their hands, coaxing Luke to look at him. His gut hurts for Luke but how could this amazing boy think he wasn’t important, “And then you covered up all of the marks I left…I thought you didn’t mean it, that you only told me you loved me to get me to sleep with you.”

And oh. Everything makes sense now, and though it kind of hurts that Luke would even think Ashton was capable of that, he gets it. He would probably hate himself too if he were in Luke’s shoes.

“I thought you hated me,” Ashton whispers.

“I kind of did,” Luke replies, “It hurt. If I had known that you just honestly couldn’t remember…Things would have been so much easier.”

“I only covered up the hickies because I thought that I had slept someone else and I didn’t want you to see them. They only grossed me out because I thought someone other than you gave them to me,” at that Luke actually laughs. His nose crinkles and his lips curl up and Ashton wants to take a picture because this is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

“We’re so stupid,” Luke laughs.

“Stupid in love,” Ashton says, smiling so big it hurts his cheeks. Luke stops laughing and bends down so their faces are close, noses touching.

“Always,” Luke says quietly, connecting their lips. They move together, holding each other. They can’t get close enough, so Ashton wraps his arms around Luke’s waist and Luke tangles his fingers in Ashton’s hair. When Luke pulls away they’re both still smiling, so he rests his forehead against Ashton’s.

“Hey Luke?”

“Yeah Ash?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”