Folie à Deux

The New York winter in January caused the kids and I to stay inside. Usually we'd be running from daycare to pre-school to the art gallery I co-owned. We were always running around, but with the snow now covering the ground we were left to stay in.

Sammy didn't mind it, he made himself a fort; Johanna only pouted and lay on the living room floor, watching cartoons. I was going over my bills and other mail I had gotten that day; I was just about to get Sammy so he could have a bath, when something caught my eye. It was a dark purple envelope with some water droplets on it; I picked it from the pile and saw it was addressed to me. Inside was an invitation to a wedding, more specifically, Joe Trohman's wedding. I smiled at the thought of him getting married; the last I saw of him he was high and rambling about Star Wars.

That was over two years ago.

As I thought further, I was unpleasantly reminded that I had gotten one other wedding invitation. It was to Pete and Ashlee's wedding. Of course I didn't go, my parents had just passed and Sammy was only a few weeks old. My heart was beyond repair two and a half years ago, so going to Pete's wedding would've been very stupid of me. I tossed the invite out and went on with my life; only a few months passed before I was informed that Ashlee was pregnant.

I couldn't believe how upset the news had made me; how sick I got, how angry and torn up I was over it. My head would've exploded if I hadn't had my kids and the fact that I could channel my anger into art. Yes, finding out my baby's daddy was having another baby with someone else pushed me into the career I enjoy. I have no ill feelings towards Ashlee and Bronx, only Pete, for the way he flatly told me he didn't want me after fucking me. I try to look on the bright side of it, at least I have Sammy.

"'M so booooooored," I heard Jojo whine.

I smiled, looking over at her roll on the floor, "You could go clean your room," I suggested.

Jojo got up, frowning as she made her way towards me, "C'n I play wit' da iPad?"

I hummed, "Yes, it's on my bed. You'll be okay while I give Sammy a bath?"

Jojo nodded, rushing away to my bedroom. I sighed softly, setting the invitation down and then got up, heading towards the guest room. Sammy and Jojo loved that room because the bed inside is small and there's lots of room to play and build things. There was a large desk that they used to make a fort. Most of their toys found a new home in there.

"Sam," I called to him as I entered.

The room had pillows everywhere and his toys scattered all over the floor. I looked around, not seeing a moving trace of him. There was a blue sheet over the desk, so I assumed he was under there.

"Sammy, it's time for a bath," I said, heading towards the desk. "Sammy."

I knelt by the table and pulled the sheet up, but he wasn't under there. I then remembered where else he liked to hide, so I went straight to my bedroom; Jojo was on top of my bed with the iPad. She looked up at me and pointed her finger down.

I laughed softly, "Sammy, where are you?"

I heard him sigh, "No bafs."

"Just today, okay?" I knelt down and pulled the covers up, seeing him lying on his stomach.

"I don' wanna," he rolled onto his side.

There was something wrong with him, I could see it in his face and hear it in his little voice; "Will you come out for a sec? I miss your face."

Sammy smiled and crawled out. I sat on my knees helping him stand, "There's that face I love."

His smile beamed, making my stomach flip. He looked too much like Pete, it almost frightened me. I exhaled softly, pushing away the unwanted feelings and smiled back at my little boy.

"What's wrong, my love?" I asked him.

Sammy shrugged, his smile fell away, "Where's daddy?"

The question took me by surprise. I was stunned into silence. Jojo had asked about John once a few months back and I sat her down and explained he went to heaven. I didn't tell Sammy, I wasn't sure if I could say that John was his father too. John's parents never brought him up, at least not when I was around, but we all had pictures of him hung up. Still, the kids didn't know they were missing a father.

"He's in heaven," Jojo answered him, then she looked at me, "right, mommy?"

I nodded without a thought. I licked my lips and stood, picking up Sammy and sat us on the bed beside Jojo. My heart was racing, I was nervous about this, wondering how I'd tell them about John and Pete; it was bad enough I felt like I had betrayed him.

Sammy has his last name, Perry and Bob were okay with it. I guess I had my answer right there; we'd pretend John was dad until they were old enough to do the math. I couldn't find it in my heart to tell Pete about Sammy, I did not want to mess up his marriage.

"Where's dat?" Sammy asked.

I paused, looking down at him; his eyes shined like Pete's; my heart ached so bad; "Uh, heaven is way up in the sky. It's where you go when...when God needs you. There's angels and soft clouds..." I trailed off, witnessing my son's eyes glow, "It's a nice place. That's where daddy is."

Sammy tweaked his lips, "C'n we go dere?"

I shook my head sadly as his lips turned down, "No. It's very far and it takes years and years to get there. It took daddy 31 years to get there."

Sammy's brows shot up, "W-eally?"

His toddler talk always made me smile; anything Sammy does usually makes me smile.

"Yeah. And I don't want you to go until you're really old."

"Why?" He frowned.

"Because if you went so soon I'd miss you."

"I come back!" Sammy grinned excitedly.

I hated shooting down his big ideas, his own little plans that were in his head. Biting my lip, I hugged my son, kissing the top of his messy head, "Okay, Sam."



With Sammy bringing up tough realities, I had forgotten about the wedding invitation. To be honest, it sat by my laptop, and I was so close to calling and RSVP-ing. I didn't touch it until a week later when I grabbed my laptop and went to my bedroom.

My kids were asleep, the loft was quiet; I was tempted to play some music. In my iTunes library the first song to pop up was Sugar, We're Going Down. That's when I took note of the invitation; my stomach flipped and flopped as I looked at the number. I read it over and over under my breath as Sugar played softly. I decided to call, it was only 8:00, I assumed Joe would be awake.

As the phone rang I read over was written; Joseph M. Trohman and Marie A. Cole invite you to join in their union...,I stopped reading when Joe picked up; "'Lo?"

"Joe," I murmured his name softly, "uh, hey, it's Angelus...Holohan."

There was a brief silence before I heard his goofy chuckle, "Angel! Dude! I've missed you! How'ya been?"

"I've been okay...been busy," I said. "How have you been? I got your wedding invite last week."

"Yeah! Me and my girl are tying the knot in 5 months. I didn't know if you wanted to come or not, you were in my contact list and Marie's mom got your New York address."

"Oh," I felt heat fill my face, "thanks for sending it. I'd love to come...I got Jojo and...my son Sammy," my words were definitely hesitant.

"Yeah, yeah, I remember Andy and Rae telling me!" Joe rambled quickly. "You with the guy, or whatever?"

"Nah," I muttered, "it was...a terrible one night thing."

"Still, he must be a spunky wild animal like you."

I laughed, "Not really, he's shy. Johanna is the spunky one."

"Oh man, I can't wait to see her! I'll be in New York in a few days, wanna meet up?"

The heat returned to my cheeks and ears.

"Uh, sure. I actually own an art gallery on the upper east side, on 5th street. It's called Rush."

"Holy shit, you're an artist now?"

"No...well, I paint, but I mostly set up openings and parties for artists."

"I could meet you there," he said, "when's a good time?"

Joe and I set up a time to meet, and I was still so nervous about it. I hoped that Joe wouldn't see the resemblance to Pete in Sammy. If he were to I would have to come up with a good lie.

After hanging up, I got back on my computer, checked my email and paid my bills. I lingered on an open tab, wondering if I should google Pete. He was constantly on my mind, I had no choice but to think of him everyday. I bit down on my lip and typed his name, pressing enter after.

It was there in big bold letters; Simpson-Wentz files for divorce...Pete had no clue!

My jaw slacked; my heart plummeted into my stomach. Guilt ate at me as I stared at the crudely written remarks and insults Perez Hilton made on a picture of Pete. I felt like it was definitely my fault, that Ashlee somehow found out about us, about Sammy.

But, there would be no way she could have. Rae and I rarely spoke, she and Andy were living in total bliss, they traveled nonstop for months at a time. I hadn't spoke to her in well over 2 months. Rae told me that she and Andy were going to travel the world; which they were currently doing since she'd email me updates, and urged me to join Twitter. I had made an account, but it was empty, I hadn't Tweeted or whatever, I didn't really care.
I only had a small blog I hadn't updated in years, since before Sam was born. That blog is mostly for Jojo to read what life was like when things were really crazy.

Thinking about that immediately made me wonder if Pete had, had a Twitter account. I typed quickly, again biting my lip, only now in anticipation. Pete did have one, he was quite popular, he had over half a million followers. I began to read through his tweets and saw that he wrote how he used to talk to me; in riddles and lyrics. It made my heart flutter and brought up old feelings that I tried to bury.

I exited out and quickly shut my laptop, setting it aside. My mind was in a twist; I had gotten over feeling like I betrayed John, I was now wondering if Pete was truly the guy I was meant to be with. But, in all honesty, Pete didn't want me, and it stung, so I could be wrong.

Goddamn, life would be a lot easier if John were here...or if I could get rid of the feelings in my chest.