Folie à Deux

Four

Jojo sat watching cartoons with Louis while Joe and I were at the table. My heart was pounding hard and fast inside my chest, I could hear it in my ears. I had gotten out photos I had taken over the past 2 years of Sammy. I couldn't actually say the words, I just slid the stack of photos to Joe. He looked confused, but he looked at them regardless.

"What am I suppose to be looking for?" He asked.

"Just look...it's hard to explain."

Joe only shrugged.

I waited, watching him look at each photo intently until the third one. He stopped and stared at it, his lips turning down. He then took his glasses off and narrowed his eyes at it. I knew then that the dots connected for him; my stomach was in knots, I even started playing with my hands, my eyes focused on Joe's face. It took awhile, an eternity for me, for him to say anything, but before he even could, Sammy came in, yawning.

"Mommy," he rubbed his left eye with the back of his hand, "'m hungry."

I felt some relief; I looked over at Sam, "Want PB and J?"

He nodded as he continued over, climbing into a chair by himself. Joe smiled, putting his glasses back on and setting the stack of pictures to one side, "Hey little man."

"Hi," Sammy murmured shyly.

I got up then, heading just a few feet away to the kitchen. I could hear Joe talking to Sammy while I made his sandwich, wondering what exactly he was thinking.

"So, you're the man of the house, huh?"

I saw Sammy shrug.

"How old are you, buddy?"

"Two," Sammy held up two fingers.

Joe's brows shot up, "Wow, I remember when I was two...I would watch cartoons all day and eat milk and cookies until it was comin' out my nose!"

Sammy giggled.

"Have you seen Star Wars?"

Sammy shook his head, "Not-uh."

"Maybe we can watch it one day," Joe suggested, "I have a lot of the toys too."

"Ya do?" Sammy sounded excited, "C'n I play 't ya house?"

I smiled at the way Joe laughed, knowing he was undoubtably under Sammy's spell now. Most people fell for Sammy within the first few minutes of talking to him. That's when I thought about Pete and how he was the same way; it left a sour taste in my mouth.

"Alright, Sammy," I called to him just as I finished cutting his sandwich in half, "your PB and J is finished. You want some milk?"

"Yes, p'ease!" He said happily.

He went back to asking Joe about his toys, to which Joe found amusing. I returned to the table with Sam's milk and sandwich, to which he stopped talking and took a bite. I laughed, "Oh, boy, you must be really hungry."

Sammy chewed and nodded his head, "Uh-huh!"

"Don't choke," I smiled at him, "go slow, babe."

He made a face at me, knowing that I always told him this. Sammy always responded with, "I won't!" followed by a large frown. Every little feature of his sent a small shock through my body, reminding me exactly who his father is.

"So, uh..." Joe began slowly, "my wedding, I'd invite the kids, but it's a small thing..."

"It's okay," I said, "John's parents love having them, so there won't be any trouble getting someone to take care of them."

"Cool. I...uh, I've invited Pete..." He paused, but quickly added, "'N Andy, Rae 'n Patrick, so...uh, things won't be so weird and awkward...hopefully."

I didn't have a thing to say, not with Sammy right there. He was trying to eat and drink in a hurry so he could get back to talking about toys with Joe. I was hoping that Sammy would keep Joe preoccupied enough to make the whole conversation as to how Sammy came to be prolonged.

But, before he could finish and talk, Jojo came in with Louis following her. She had her little keepsake box, decorated in purple paint and lots of glitter, and waved Sammy over, "I havta show ya somethin', Sam."

Sammy didn't even look at us, he got up and went to his sister, taking her hand as she led him away. I sighed softly, feeling nervous all over again. Joe cleared his throat, gaining my attention; he began to look at the photos again.

"Pete doesn't know, does he?"

My silence was the answer.

"Why didn't you tell him?" Joe asked curiously, but he continued on, "Or did you?" He looked at me, "Did he dump you, Angelus?"

I shook my head, answering before Joe could ask more, "No, no, no...I didn't tell him. I didn't..." I trailed trying to find the correct words. "I...he...he didn't want--he said it wouldn't be good--me and him. He just didn't want me, Joe, and I didn't want to tie him down to me. He has no clue about Sam."

Joe was quiet, I couldn't look at him, I was afraid he would have a snarl or have a look of disgust towards me. So, I kept my eyes down, looking at the photo Joe had in his hands; Sam at his second birthday party, his wide grin was a mirror image of Pete's.

"When was Sam born?" He asked.

I still didn't look at him, I was too afraid to, still; "April 23rd, 2008. Pete and Ashlee had sent out their wedding invites two weeks prior and I had gotten mine a few days before I gave birth."

"He sent you an invitation?" Joe spat with disgust, causing me to finally look at him.

"Joe, it was my fault," I said quickly, "I could've told him, I could've prevented his happiness, but I didn't."

"His happiness?" He muttered, "His fucking happiness, Angel? What about being a dad?"

"Are you mad at me?" I finally asked him; I suddenly felt scrutinized.

"No," he shook his head, setting the photos down, "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at him. I'm sure he would've picked her over you."

I frowned slightly, "You think?"

He nodded, "Yeah. He really was head over heels for you...he just...I dunno, Pete is just a weird flip flopper, ya'know? He liked you a lot, but at the same time he thought the sun shined out her ass."

I couldn't help but to laugh.

"Even though she's divorcing him, he'll probably still kiss her ass if she asked him to."

"He loves her, doesn't he?" My voice was soft, and for some reason the thought made me sad.

"Yep," he replied simply. "But, you know, he wasn't himself before he got married...he was a little off."

I felt responsible for any pain or burden I caused the band. I thought it must've been my fault since I left him in my duplex after the things he said. I just left him there with lipstick on his arm.

"I would've told him," I murmured, "but when I finally got the guts, Rae told me they were engaged and she was helping Ashlee plan the wedding."

My head immediately replayed the moment I heard about their engagement. I was 5 months along, I was depressed and I hadn't been eating properly; I was gravely thin, I looked half dead, and I was living with the Holohans' because I couldn't stay in the loft alone with Jojo. Hearing Pete was getting married made me want to die, it just broke my heart all over again. After, I started to take care of myself and mentally told myself that I wouldn't see Pete again. I had decided that I would carry on taking care of my babies by myself, and I wouldn't tell Sammy who his father really was. I didn't really think about the future, I didn't have a clue what I'd say once Sammy had a mind of his own, do the math of John's death and his birth and figure out John was not his father.

"Do you want to tell him?" Joe asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

I shrugged, "I don't know. Would he even care?"

Joe furrowed his brows, "Oh yeah, I think he will. He loves being a dad."

Sighing, I asked, "Well...what would you do if you found out you had a two year old son you never knew about?"

"Uh," he sighed deeply, "I dunno...I would be kinda mad, but if I had done what Pete did, then I'd understand why you didn't tell me."

I ran my fingers through my hair, "I don't think I wanna tell him now. I don't want to be rejected again--I don't want Sammy to be rejected, really. I wish John had been his father," I added.

Joe put his hand on mine, "I get it, Angelus. I'll help you in anyway you need, okay? Don't hesitate to call or come over to my place. Marie will love you."

I smiled at him, "Thanks Joe."

He squeezed my hand, "No problem."



After Joe and Louis left I made the kids a proper dinner and then let them play before bed. Jojo and Sammy get along great, even though they were vastly different, they still played together. I was surprised by the fact that they never fought; they are both kind and sweet to each other. If they do ever fight it was over which cartoon to watch. Jojo usually won, but Sam never got down about it, he is very resilient, nothing seems to knock him down. Well, except how much he misses a part of him he doesn't know about.

When Sammy was like this it made me want to call Pete (if his number was even the same) and tell him about Sammy. I wanted someone to praise my baby boy more than I could. Sammy deserved it; he looks like he's missing something. The more I looked at him the more my heart ached for him to feel complete. My son deserved it.

As I put them to bed, I tucked Sammy in last. He laid in his bed, playing with his favorite stuffed T-Rex. I smiled at him, brushing my hand over his dark curly hair; he looked like my father then, I didn't see Pete.

"Do you feel any better, Sam?" I asked as I fixed his hair away from his eyes.

He looked at me and shrugged his tiny shoulders.

I kissed his forehead, "I'm sorry you feel so sad, baby. Is there anything I can do?"

He sat up, "C'n I sweep wit'chu?"

I nodded, kissing him again, "Alright. Let's go."

I picked him up and carried Sammy, and his stuffed T-Rex, to my room. I crawled into bed with him, letting him snuggle up against my side. The room was dimly lit, the two of us were quiet, breathing softly; I embraced my son, rubbing his arm warmly.

"Mommy," Sammy murmured, lifting his head to look at me, "I wan' see my daddy."

My brows furrowed slightly, "In pictures?"

He shook his head, "I wan' go ta heaven."

Again, my heart ached.

"You can't, Sam, not yet," I said sadly.

"Jojo say she sees 'im all da time," he sat up, "thas not fair."

I pulled him close to my chest, "Honey, Jojo probably looks at his pictures. You want to see pictures of your daddy?"

He shook his head, "No."

Hugging him closer, I kissed the top of his head, "I love you, Sam...daddy loves you too. He wants to be here, but he can't."

Sammy didn't say or do anything, he only laid against me, sighing softly.