Sempiternal

When Lucy woke the next morning there was someone knocking at the front door. Janine appeared moments later, hurriedly tying her robe together, and cursing herself for 'forgetting something'. Lucy pretended to be asleep as her mother talked in hushed voices with the man, she couldn't hear anything. All the whispers slurred together.

Janine shut the door as the man stalked off, and she sighed. "What was that about?" Lucy asked. Janine jumped, not expecting her daughter to be awake.

"Jehovah's Witness." Was all Janine replied. "Want some pancakes?"

Lucy shrugged and nodded her head. It was early in the day, still. She had a missed Facetime call from Dean, and she smiled to herself, happy that he was finally catching on with the technology movement. He was three hours ahead of her, putting him around two o'clock in the afternoon. She pressed the 'send' button, hoping that he would still be free to talk for a bit.

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty." He said cheerfully.

"You're in a good mood." Lucy pointed out.

"I'm in a match tonight against Bad News Barrett." He gave his best impersonation of the British superstar, making her laugh.

"That'll be good, you'll have to let me know how it goes."

He nodded. "First night good so far?"

"Yeah, she's making pancakes." Lucy looked over her shoulder to see where her mother was and then stood up to go to the bathroom for some privacy. Dean looked concerned. "Someone came to the door today, and she like- she knew who it was, but she said it was just Jehovah's Witness. It was really weird."

"Maybe it's her boyfriend."

"She said she didn't have one."

"Don't worry about it. Just focus on time with her. I know trusting people isn't the easiest thing for you to do, but she's your mother. She's making an effort. Just go with the flow, rock and roll. You got this, sweetheart." Dean smiled at her.

"You make me want to get on a plane to Pittsburgh right now." She replied, trying to keep fro smiling so hard.

"I wouldn't mind that, but hey, I got to go. I'll call you after the show?"

Lucy nodded and hung up. Janine was waiting for her in the living room with a cup of coffee and a hot stack of pancakes. They watched talk shows and doctor shows on daytime television for a few hours. Before Janine picked up her plate and headed into the kitchen. There was an awkwardness hanging in the air as Lucy followed her; setting her own dish in the washer.

"So your father, he gave me the number to a rehab center. You worked there? Or what?" There it was.

Lucy sighed. sipping on what was left of her now lukewarm coffee. "No, I uh- I was a patient there. I was a heroine addict."

She could see Janine's jaw clench. Here she was, telling her perfect mother that she had struggled with addiction for a long period in her life. "For how long?"

"I've been doing drugs since I was about nineteen. It started with sleep-aids, like Nyquil, Unisom, Alluna. And then I moved to pot, I got that from Liam. He was a heavy pot smoker. None of that really bothered Seth, who was, you know, my best friend at the time. He kept me from really going overboard. Like he knew about the pills and the weed, but as long as I wasn't hurting myself, he didn't mind it. I wasn't really addicted to it. I just did it because I wanted an escape from whatever was going on in my life."

Janine nodded.

"Even when Liam died." Lucy was already crying. "He was there for me, you know? When all I wanted to do was sleep the day away and get high and eat a whole bag of Doritos, Seth was there. He'd pick me up, drag me out to some weirdo hardcore show, and make me love life again. I wasn't even on anything. I stopped abusing the sleeping pills and the weed. I was clean."

"What happened?"

"Seth left." She wiped tears from her eyes and laughed at herself. "You know, I've told this story a million times, but it doesn't ever really seem to get easier to tell. I had no one. Dad was- is such a piece of shit, Seth was in Florida, and you- well, you left. I felt like no one wanted me. And trust me, Dad made it known over and over again that no one did. I had been in and out of jail fro shoplifting, driving under the influence, everything you could think of. I got off easy every time though. A little community service here, a little jail time there. Everyone felt sorry for me because I was the straight A student who's brother died and father was an alcoholic and who had no mother."

Janine was crying now too.

"And I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I have forgiven you. That's not what this is about. I just lost myself in the feeling of how it felt to shoot up. And I couldn't stop, because if I did, the nightmares and vomiting and fever would set in. But I had to. I was going to kill myself if I didn't."

"So you went to rehab?"

"Yeah, it was hell at first. I hated myself. I told myself that in the mirror everyday. But then one day I decided that I was going to call Seth, and just see how he was doing, you know? And the rest is history. He gave me something to live for. There was no time lost between us. He was there. Picked up on the first ring and everything. But something had changed there, and I couldn't put my finger on it for the longest time. When I first met Roman and Dean, Dean was a complete asshole. He made fun of me, made fun of my addiction, and just made me feel like shit everyday when I had done absolutely nothing to him. But there was something about him, and you can blame it on that bad boy attitude, 'cause that's probably it... but I just liked him."

Lucy laughed at herself again. "I don't know what happened, we just had these rough moments and then we ironed it out. And then we'd have more rough moments, but we always fixed it. We kind of fell into sync with each other. But Seth was-"

"He was jealous." Janine finished for her.

Lucy nodded. "He made me feel awful for my friendship with Dean, but I couldn't really help it. I mean, you can't tell your brain not to fall in love with someone. Even if they're the worst thing for you. But the thing is, Dean's really not the worst thing. He hasn't done anything wrong since we've been "together". And yet, Seth, as soon as he got jealous and something didn't go his way or he felt like I betrayed him, he goes and destroys the entire group; wedges a knife in all three of our backs. Even Roman, who had absolutely nothing to do with it."

"That was very wrong of him."

"You don't know how hard it's been to stay clean. I've wanted to let go so badly, but I've been trying so hard to stay sober. I know I'm a screw up and a disappointment, but I've really been trying." Janine wrapped her arms around Lucy and held her as she cried. "I really wish you would have been there."

"I'm here now, Sweet Pea. I'm here now." She cooed, petting Lucy's hair. "Hey, why don't you run up to the store. You can take my jeep and get some more ice cream, I think we finished all the Rocky Road."

Lucy wiped her tears away and nodded, grabbing the few dollars that Janine had given her. She drove down the deserted small town roads, trying to clear her mind. All that she could think about was Seth. Part of her screamed that she needed to call him, trying to reach out and apologize, but the other half of her told her no. Absolutely not. She had stood there in front of him, vulnerable as could be, and he walked away.

She punched the steering wheel, and again, and again, and when she parked in the back of the parking lot, she punched it four more times.

"What did I do, Li?" She asked after breaking down in tears again. "What did I do to deserve this life?"

Lucy could hear his voice in the back of her head, "There's nothing wrong with your life, sis. You just have to be strong." Then he'd pass her a joint and a cup of chocolate pudding, and everything would go back to the way it was, and her tears would be replaced with laughter. Liam would put some Scooby Doo on the television, and they'd fall asleep on the living room floor.

She repeated to herself, "you just have to be strong".

She could do that. It might be an uphill battle, but she could do it.



When she got back to the apartment, there was a note scribbled down on the back of an envelope posted to the freezer door.



Lucy tossed the note and her mother's keys on the counter. She plopped down on the couch and turned the TV over to the Oprah Winfrey Network, within moments she had dozed off, and when she awoke an hour later, her mother still wasn't back yet.

Two hours later.

She picked up her phone to call Janine, but she had left her phone on the kitchen table.

Three hours later.

Lucy peaked out the window, looking out the windows for her mother, but saw nothing.

Four hours later.

She finally slipped her flip flops on and walked over to the apartment next to her mother's. She knocked loudly on the door, and a young woman answered. Lucy asked if she had seen Janine, but the girl simply shook her head. She tried the next apartment, on the opposite side. Lucy banged her fist on the door and waited. She could hear cursing on the other side, and knocked louder. When the man finally came to the door, Lucy recognized him as the man from earlier. The "Jehovah's Witness".

"Hey, have you seen my mom, Janine?"

"Who?" He asked with a smirk. His eyes were half-lit.

"My mom, Janine. You talked to her earlier. She said she was going to the neighbor's, is she here?"

Lucy heard her mother in the background asking who was at the door, and she shoved past the man who was standing in front of her. It was dark in the apartment. He had all of the windows blocked from sunlight, with a dark sheet hanging over each one. Her eyes needed time to adjust, but when they did, she wished they hadn't.

"Mom?" She asked, the woman in front of her almost unrecognizable.

"Lu- Lucy, what are you doing here?" Janine slurred as she snorted a line with a rolled up dollar bill. She was half naked, slumped over on the couch.

Lucy's arms began to itch. Her neck itched. The backs of her hands itched. Every place she's ever shot up itched like she had been bitten by a million mosquitoes. She rolled her shoulders, screaming at herself to get out of there. Her mother looked up, studying the disgusted look on her daughter's face. Her expression instantly changed.

"Lucy!" She threw a hand out, but Lucy turned around, brushing past the man and out of his apartment.

She had tears in her eyes as she called Dean's number, he didn't answer. She called again, he didn't answer. Lucy pulled her suitcase from the front closet and began shoving her valuables inside. She called Dean again, but still no answer.

"Lucy! Come on, don't go." Janine stumbled through the front door, holding on to the walls and furniture as she tried to keep her daughter from leaving.

"No, I'm leaving." Lucy spat. "Dad was right about you. You were supposed to be perfect!" She cried. "You were supposed to be fucking perfect, and a good mother, and you're next door with the neighbor getting high and getting fucked on the couch. You couldn't even last twenty-four hours! I can't believe I let my expectations get so high."

"Lucy, please! I'm trying to get clean. I just need your help." Janine was crying, clinging on to her daughter. "I just need your help. If you could just give me a little money to get into rehab, I can do it just like you did!"

"You're pathetic."

Lucy pulled together the last of her things and walked right out the door. She called a cab service and had them pick her up at the nearest gas station. Lucy bought the first ticket out of New Mexico to Boston, which would be a two hour wait. She sat on the floor of the airport and people watched. She watched as mothers left their children, as children left their mothers, family reunions, and lovers saying goodbye for the first time.

Her heart was empty again as she mentally put a check mark beside her mother's name on her list of people who have disappointed her.

She boarded her flight, but not without calling Dean one more time.