Giving up My Humanity and My Servitude to a Vampire

Days and weeks went by faster than I wanted them. I was getting desparate of thinking of a perfect escape plan. I couldn't really think with Edward's on me. Sounds a bit whore-is and maybe it is.

His kisses weren't revolting, but I always felt dirty and unclean everytime he would roll over to lay next to me. It was shame, guilt and regret that covered every inch of my body.

How could he not see that I was faking this happiness, that every moan that escaped my mouth was forced out? That was I wasn't into it?

Maybe he doesn't want to believe it. He's in denial. He thinks that more times he has me the more he thinks I'll realize I love him, but I don't, I care for him, but I do NOT love him. Not anymore.

Once I had all of my strength back, I started walking around the huge room. There were mostly potraits of his ancestors and such, the usual. I came across the one with Edward and Anne, standing side by side on their wedding day.

She was indeed beautiful. Her flowing strawberry blonde-ish hair went well with her pale skin and flawless face.

I remembered I hadn't looked in the mirror for days now and so I went to the nearest bathroom and checked my reflection. I didn't like what I saw. My hair was a mess. I flattened it out with my hand and gave up and used a brush instead. It went down to being wavy/straight.

My gray eyes were different. With Matthew they had a hint of spark behind them and now they just looked so plain and lifeless. I splashed water over my face and on the back of my neck.

If I wanted to escape I needed to start working on a plan.

I peeked from the door to check if Edward was back, but the bedroom was only empty. I walked over to the big window that had a balcony. I turned the golden knobs but it didn't budge.

If I broke it, then he would be suspicous and I needed his trust. There was a knock on the door.

"Come in."

Private Daniel came in a hurry. His eyes looking behind him checking if he was being followed. His eyes alert and on me as well. He had a letter in his hands. He handed me the letter.

"It's from Matthew, there's a plan." He smiled genuinely at me and winked before walking out of the room.

[So, he was the mole all along? I should've known.] I grinned, I ripped the envelope and unfolded the letter.

Emily,
I can not tell you how much it pains me what you did for me. You shouldn't have done that. I can't bear thinking of him on you, touching you, it's making me go insane each passing minute and second. I miss you so much, I need you next to me, I need to see those gray eyes look at me in the morning.

However, this letter is to inform you of our plan. The attack will be three nights from now. You will hear William howl and that will be the signal. If you can, get into the King's office, where I will be waiting for you. I will have your weapons with me, of course.

Your family misses you a lot. It's hard on them to lose you just when they got you back. William and Olivia are perfect. Jacob is skeptical and I fear something Emily, he wants to help, but I told him he's only a mortal and can not help... as you can guess, he wants me to turn him, but I strictly and firmly said 'No, I will not.'

I love you forever and ever,

Matthew.

I held the letter to my chest as if it were the Holy Grail. But Jacob's thoughts were worrying me, it meant I had to get to them as soon as possible. I sensed Edward coming and I hid the letter between my breasts, yeah, didn't have time to think... sue me!

[Three nights.] I thought.

Edward came in, he had a grin on his face and I plastered a fake smile.

"Morning, sunshine." He cooed as he embraced me and brought his lips to mine.

"Morning."

"I thought you might enjoy a walk around the garden."

"Yeah, sure."

"I'll wait outside so you can dress."

He walked out the room and I went to the drawer where he had told me there was clothes not too long ago.

There were mostly dresses, no... it was all dresses. I picked the green one. It was a light green and it was flow-y. I found a matching pair of shoes and slipped them on. I brushed my hair once more. I found a white hat and took it with me as I walked out of the room.

Edward smiled when he saw me. His eyes looked up and down.

"Very beautiful." He whispered.

"Thank you."

We walked through the garden. I paid attention to the flowers. The roses, especially the roses. My mom loved roses, once upon a time. My father would bring home roses almost every night and give them to my mother. It was before the Great Depression, of course. It was before he left and left us to fend for ourselves.

A memory of my father's terrified look when I was about to slash him through the heart, but he striked first when he killed my mother and yet pretended to care when he brought us to the Heartstein's.

My mom was never the same when my father left me and my brothers and sister. All the money she would earn cleaning houses for the rich, because not everyone in America was poor, she would spend it on alcohol. As you can imagine, she would come late, drunk and would pass out on the couch.

But I had to push the memories out of my head.

I needed to live the present, it wasn't the greatest present, but I needed to give all of my focus on the now if I ever want to see a future.

"You're thinking about the past, aren't you?" Edward woke me from my deep thoughts. I snapped my head to him and gave him a weak smile.

"How did you know?"

"You have a certain look on your face when you're thinking of the past... I can't really explain it."

"You know me better than I thought."

"I know all of you."

[No, you don't.] I thought, I had my mind blocked, I always did.

"Do you remember the night I met you?"

"Of course."

"Your blood called to me like no other, it was like begging me to drink it. It was hard and yet easy to be around you."

"You were arrogant that night. You said it was because you were nervous and rambled when you're nervous."

He grinned.

“You remember?”

“Hard to forget.” I smiled. “Can we go back inside?”

“Yes, of course.” He gestured to the entrance.

During dinner we talked like old friends remembering the old times. We talked about the first three months where he would flirt and I would blush for every compliment he would give me. He told me how much he missed seeing me blush, that’s when it got awkward.

“Did Matthew...?” He stopped himself, the questioning was burning him.

“What?”

“He was your first?”

“Yes.” I shouldn’t lie.

He looked down to his plate.

“Do you ever wish things had gone differently?”

“What do you mean?”

“If I hadn’t married Anne... would you still loved me?”

“Yes.” Once again, there was no point of lying because if he had not married Anne and waited for my transformation, I would’ve married him and things would have been entirely different. But, I’m somehow grateful he did marry Anne because I discovered the love I have for Matthew, the burning passion inside my heart and soul.

“I wish I had the power to turn back time.” He whispered.

I stayed quiet for a moment.

“Me too.” I whispered back. I had a question of my own. "Are you ever going to tell me why you married Anne?"

"Maybe... I just don't want pity."

"I can promise you that you won't." I assured.

He was fighting with himself as he went back and forth in his mind. Weighing the options. He finally sighed and looked at me in the eyes.

"After I bit you, you went into the transformation process and you were in too much pain to remember. Mother... gave me an ultimatum--" My hands clenched at the sound of 'mother' and ultimatum'.--"either I gave you up and marry Anne... or... she would kill you."

I couldn't look at him in eyes anymore and I turned to the marble floor next to me. My eyes glistened.

"You married Anne to save me." I didn't question it because I knew it was true. Then, Elizabeth fed me lies. For months after I found out about Edward getting married, I blamed him for my misery when I owed him my life. Something tugged my heart when I put the puzzle together.

"Yes; I'd do anything for you, Emily, absolutely anything."

I knew he would. If I would tell him to jump off of a bridge he would, I could say 'Jump' and he would ask 'How high?'. I didn't doubt his love for me, not anymore. But that doesn't make me magically fall back in love with him.

"Wow." I whispered, my voice came out squeaky and high, so I cleared my throat before speaking again. "Um, thank you?"

Edward chuckled.

"I would do it over again if I had to, because seeing your eyes in the morning and having you next to me was all worth it."