A Ninja and an Assassin Walk Into a Bar

“Haul tail girl! We’re breached!”
I would have preferred to give more details, let my partner know exactly what to expect as she crosses over the threshold of chaos, but my new dancing partners sadly aren't as obliging. Well it’s not as sad as it’s frustrating as all heck. Depending on how you look at it, I guess it is sad. Sad that these guys are causing me so much angst. Where is my backup?!
The guy advancing on my right is Cold Steel Cetus, “the Scurvy of the Seven Continents” or some other bull spit along those lines. I’ll have to remember to tell him my true feelings about his nickname when he’s not waving a cutlass at me. The crazy dude to my left is Draco, hardcore ninja assassin, or so I've been told. Never met the guy but I've heard lots of talk about him. I tend not to give in much to talk though. Once I heard the guy shot fire out of his mouth. See what I mean?
It’s kind of ironic actually. I heard somewhere that pirates and ninjas were supposed to be like mortal enemies or something like that. I forget where I heard that from but imagine how it would look if I were done in by two mortal enemies, neither of them mine! In a way I guess it’s kind of epic too. I mean think about it. The need for my demise brought two mortal enemies together to repay the life I saved.
…
I think I’m thinking too much for a guy whose life is in mortal danger.
Just then she busts through the window behind my two still-standing assailants. Figures. She probably wasted five minutes scaling the roof to propel down the west side of the building just to bust through the window to look all dramatic and sexy and stuff. Okay in all honesty it probably took her three minutes tops but still, the door was open and there’s a huge gaping hole in the wall where these chuckle heads erupted from. Sometimes I just don’t understand her flare for the dramatics. And some heads up would be nice too. It’s not like we needed to maintain radio silence. They already knew where we are. But no, she’d rather I sweat it out wondering if she was going to save me this time.
She twirls like fifty time in the air (it’s was twice actually) kicking out her legs just enough to knock Cetus on his ass. Then she lands in between Draco and me crouching on one leg, with the other one fully extended to her side. I’m so glad she’s focused on a deadly ninja battle right now because I’m totally checking her out from behind.
And then suddenly my epic fantasies are broken up by a horde (four to be precise) of insane sounding ninja screaming their heads off. Damn I hate ninjas.
“Instead of fondling me with your eyes, why don’t you make yourself useful and take care of those screaming idiots over there.” Snapdragon barks at me.
How did she even…did I mention how much I hate ninja? “Gee I wonder if I could manage that!” I sarcastically reply while motioning to the unconscious and dead bodies of ninjas and pirates on the floor.
“I’d keep my fingers crossed for you but they’re needed for more important things at the moment.”
Her sense of humor can be infuriating. Apparently Draco disagrees. The ends of his lips curl up in a smile. Just flipping fantastic! I bet as soon as I turn my back, they’ll be bracing themselves up on each other, trying not to fall on the floor laughing at me. Are you serious man?! You found that so funny you had to smile? What kind of ninja smiles? What kind of ninja doesn't cover his freaking mouth??
And then I’m tackled to the floor by some sweaty, smelling ninja. And before my head can bounce back up from the hit against the floor, two more ninja dive down on me.
“Dammit Dipper! Just try and stay alive, can you?” She’s always yelling at me. And when she’s not yelling at me she’s talking to me in some freakishly eerie robotic tone. I don’t know which one I hate more.
“What a novel idea Dragon!” She hates it when I call her that. “I’ll give it a try.”
I wrestle around with the three ninja for too long. I hate hand to hand combat. It’s hard to stay focused on the fight when you’re in the thick of it. As an elite marksman I was trained to hone my vision to its peak operating levels. It’s hard to convince myself not to observe things around me, even with deadly assailants rushing towards me. It made me a great assassin. It’s making me a lousy brawler.
I overthink too much.
That’s not to say I can’t handle myself in a fight. I finally manage to knock the ninjas off of me, hoping the whole time that Snapdragon didn't notice the cheap shots I made. Okay, so I fight dirty, so what? My life is on the line. I think that is a very acceptable excuse. If that isn't then I don’t know what is.
I roll the last ninja off of me. It’s very easy to get someone off of you when they are grabbing onto their crotch instead of you. Then a hand reaches down to help me up. Thank goodness. Nice to see we haven’t completely left civilized nature behind us. Except instead of reaching for my hand, he grabs my shirt collar. And then I realize my hope in humanity is misplaced on this brute.
His forearms were literally thicker than my neck. It was easy to measure them against each other because his hands were clutched around my neck, choking the air out of me. I barely managed to get out a word or two. I try to get out her full name because I honestly believe she won’t help if I just call her ‘Dragon’. “Sndren!” “snpdrrrn!” Well those sounds fully intended to be words. It wasn't completely my fault that the full word couldn't get out. It takes two to strangle someone to death you know. So naturally half the blame went to the strangler.
And then suddenly a crimson bathed katana blade protrudes out of my assailant. At least that’s what I thought it was. I was starting to black out. Was that a katana blade sticking out of him or was he just happy to get his hands on me?
His grip loosens as more of the blade become visible. The edge of the sword makes its way up to my chest, piercing through my hoodie, stopping just short of my chest, or, more importantly, my skin. The dead guy’s grip loosens just enough for me to fall to my feet. Unfortunately my hoodie didn't exactly follow me. The front of it split in two against the blade.
After I regained enough composure and air to fully appreciate what was going on around me, Snapdragon leans in close enough to my face so that our noses were almost touching. She smells like cherry blossoms. Any other time, with any other girl, this would be romantic. However, we were in the middle of a no holds bar, drag out onslaught for our lives with the one girl in the world who didn't give a damn about me, alive or dead. And I could tell by the “I’ll cut you to pieces” look in her eyes that she didn’t intend for this close encounter to send butterflies frolicking through my stomach. Can butterflies frolic? Can frolicking be done with wings or technically do you need legs to frolic? Crap! Stop thinking so much.
“Do. Not. Call. Me. That.” She sternly said before twirling around to cut down another ninja. Then she turned back around, angrily gazing at me like she was burning something into my forehead with heat vision. Way to make a point!
I look around for Draco and Cetus. “Turns out he doesn't spit fire.” I can tell she’s smiling as she says it.
Yep, there goes the girl that gets me all giddy inside. Maybe for her birthday I’ll just disappear. Or next Valentine’s day I’ll drop dead, freeing her of her curse to protect me. Obligation and curse are synonyms right? I’ll think about this later.
Truth be told, crazy killer assassins (repetitive much?) trying to, well you know, kill me, isn't the worst parts of my day. In fact I appreciate these moments. Fighting back to back with Snapdragon is one of my favorite times. Because its times like these that I allow myself to even entertain the hope that maybe, just maybe, she cares about me. And when she kills someone to protect me, I pretend it’s because she actually loves me. I wish more people would try to kill me.