Set My Blood on Fire

Throughout it all, she always said I had her heart. Every time she left my bed to return to him, she’d remind me with a lingering kiss. “I’m all yours.” In the middle of the night, as he slept beside her, she’d wake up and sneak down to the laundry room to call me, whispering before she hung up. “I miss you.” I’d return home from yet another trans-Atlantic trip, and though my house was empty, she reminded me with a note on the counter. “Preheat the oven to 150C, bake for forty-five minutes. Lasagna on top shelf in the fridge.” She reminded me every time she removed her engagement ring as she walked into my bedroom, discarding it on the dresser before wrapping her arms around my neck and smiling up at me.

I never felt like I was sharing her until he popped the question. I always felt like she was mine. I was across the globe when he did it, so I found out via my Facebook feed. She smiled in the photos, holding up her left hand, a diamond glittering on her ring finger, but her smile didn’t reach her eyes. Her eyes reminded me.

The next day, upon returning home, I was surprised to find her on my couch. She sat in dim lighting, in silence, wearing one of my plaid shirts, her long legs tanned and smooth against the black leather of my sofa. Her hair fell in soft waves across one shoulder, her face bare of any makeup. In her hand was a half empty glass of wine, the table in front of her held the empty wine bottle. I noticed all of this later. When I first set eyes on her, all I saw was the girl I loved wearing another man’s engagement ring.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, perplexed. Our rendezvous usually occurred during the day, when he was at work. The clock on the wall read half nine.

“He thinks I’m out of town,” she said quietly, hanging her head.

I nodded once, awkwardly standing in my own foyer. I cleared my throat and nodded again, shifting my weight to the other foot. “How long are you out of town?”

“Um…Just tonight, maybe. But, there’s a chance for a second interview, so…maybe two nights.”

Again, I nodded my head.

“Have you eaten? I made your favorite. I can warm it up for you.”

I shrugged, my eyes zeroing in on her left hand. “No, I’m feeling a little sick, actually,” I muttered. I glanced back at her face, her beautiful face, and looked her straight in the eyes. “What are you doing?”

She sucked in a deep breath, her smooth lips turning upwards into what was supposed to be a smile, and she let out a nervous laugh. “Um,” she said, her voice inflection going up a few octaves, on her way to tears. She set her wine glass down onto the tabletop, clinking loudly against the surface, her hand raking through her hair roughly, her last resort attempt at remaining in control of the situation. “I don’t really know, Niall.”

Her voice cracked at my name, followed by a quiet sob, muffled by her hands flying to her face. The diamond flashed with her movements and I stood in my spot, just watching, frozen.

He’s a nice guy, I guess, from what I’ve heard. I’ve never met him. I’ve seen him, though. At the market as he picks out the perfect head of cabbage, depositing a check at the bank, mailing a package at the post office. I know his name. I know his salary. I know where he keeps his coffee cups. I know where he hides his spare house key. I know his preferred brand of whiskey. I know his fiancé has a freckle on her inner right thigh, and I know she has an almost invisible scar on her left hip. I know the way her skin glistens against his white sheets, and I know how she looks when she comes, the way her lips form my name as she cries out.

I know she doesn’t love him.

I met her a year ago, the cousin of one of my childhood best friends. “She’s got a boyfriend, man, been together forever” he told me, shrugging. “You’re wasting your time.” I knew I wanted her as soon as she walked in the room, her smile brighter than the stage lights I sing under every night. I wasted no time in introducing myself, and she wasted no time in saying she had a boyfriend, who I hated on the spot. “Hi! I like your band! My boyfriend hates your music, but…I shouldn’t have said that, should I?”

“Your boyfriend has a shit taste in music,” I laughed, barely noticing her warm hand was still in mine. “He’s got a good taste in women, though.”

Her jaw dropped slightly, her eyes widening. She laughed, softly, biting down on her lower lip. “You always were my favorite member.”

…And so it began. We texted for a few weeks, I was her new friend from yoga, Natalie Harp, in case he ever asked. Friendly, at first, maybe for a few days, but that didn’t last long. In no time she was sending me good morning texts, calling me Sunshine. We exchanged plenty of suggestive text messages, each of us reading between the lines to see the intended message. It was late one night a few weeks later when I caved.

I want you.

Why?

You’re sexy.

I know ;)

I mean it. Come over. I want to see you.

I have a boyfriend, remember?

Okay. Do you always text other guys the way you text me? Does he know?

No. Just you.

Why just me?

Because I want you.

I know ;) Come over. Please? He’s asleep, isn’t he?

Yeah…What if he wakes up?

Lie.

Are you busy tomorrow?

I’ll pencil you in for noon? ;)

…Okay.

We’ve been a secret ever since. For her birthday, he took her out to some fancy restaurant and talked about politics the whole time before he took her home and drove her to faking an orgasm. The next afternoon, while he was at work probably talking about politics, I drove my tongue into her and felt her orgasm. For his birthday, she ordered him a pizza and the pay per view UFC fight while she faked a migraine upstairs, texting me all night. For my birthday, I was greeted at the door by black lace and stilettos.

Her real life lacked fun, lacked excitement, so she found that in me. Her boyfriend lacked an understanding of her, so she found that in me. She lacked a best friend in her spouse, so she found that in me. I never once felt like I was “the other man.” I was “The Man” and he was just an obstacle in my way.

And now this obstacle had the advantage. The obstacle put a ring on her left hand last night, and she said yes, but she was crying on my couch.

I sighed, shaking my head as I kicked off my shoes at the door before making my way to her, tossing my jacket onto the back of the couch. I sunk into the cushion beside her and reached for her wrists, pulling her hands away from her face, and tugged. She came forward, curling up in my lap and sobbing into my neck, the fabric dampening. I held her tight against my chest and ran my fingers through her hair, wondering if this would be the last time I’d ever hold her.

Once she stopped crying, I pulled away to face her, cupping her tear streaked face in my hands. I wiped her tears away with my thumbs, the mascara smearing under her bright eyes. “Calm down, it’s okay.”

“You must be so mad,” she pouted, her eyes welling again. “I’m so sorry, Niall, I just-”

“I’m not mad,” I insisted, touching my fingertip to her pink lips. “I promise. If you want to marry him, marry him.”

Her eyes widened as they filled with tears again and she shook her head. “I don’t want to,” she whispered.

I sighed softly, dropping my hands to her lap, pulling her left hand into mine. I tapped the diamond once. “You sure?” I asked her, looking up into her teary eyes.

She took in another deep breath, her shoulders slouching as she exhaled. “What am I gonna do?”

I shrugged, shaking my head. “I don’t know. This isn’t my decision to make, babe.”

She nodded once, looking away long enough to blink away her tears. “Uh, do you want dinner? I know it’s getting late, but-”

“No, I’m fine. Thank you, though…Unless you’re hungry.”

She shook her head and reached for her wine glass, giving it a shake. “No, I filled up on grapes.”

I nodded once, smiling at her attempt at a joke. “Wanna watch TV?”

“Do you want me to go, Niall?” she asked, her voice sad.

I shook my head once, looking up at her. “I’d hate it if you left.”

“Okay…I’ll sleep on the couch and-”

“You’ll sleep with me. I missed you,” I whispered, twisting my fingers into hers.

She sighed, giving me a soft smile. “I’m sorry. I’m sure you weren’t expecting to come home to this.”

I shrugged. “I wanted to come home to you, no matter what your emotional state was. Can you do something for me?”

She nodded.

“Do you love me?” I asked, bringing her fingertips to my lips. She gave me a warm smile, nodding her head.

“Do you love him?”

She shook her head.

I nodded, pulling my hand from hers. “Okay,” I smiled, pulling the ring from her finger. “When you’re here, how about you take this off?”

I placed the ring onto the table, my eyes never leaving her face, looking for a sign of distress. Instead, she exhaled, relaxing. “Out of sight, out of mind.”

I leaned in slowly and brought my lips to hers, her lips salty from her tears. I kissed her slowly, happy to feel her fingers fisting my shirt in her hands. “I missed you so much,” I whispered between kisses, my lips hungry for hers, my hands tugging her body back into my lap. I relaxed into the couch as her knees were placed on both sides of my legs, my fingers instantly trailing up beneath the cotton hem of my shirt to skim her thighs, as hers reached for the buttons.

I pulled the shirt from her shoulders and tossed it aside, admiring the expanse of her smooth stomach, the curve of her breasts caressed by a red bra, the dip in her waist. Her lips were red and swollen as she looked down at me, her hands on my shoulders. I leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to the center of her stomach, slightly pulling away as I blew a cool stream of air through my lips. Her skin bubbled with goosebumps and she let out a shaky breath.

I glanced up at her, her hair tousled, the ends brushing at the curve of her breasts. “Tired?”

She shook her head. “No.”

I smiled, bringing my hands around to her backside. “Good.” I slid my hands back up to her hips and patted twice. She knew the signal. I wanted her to sit, to be face to face with me. She relaxed, properly sitting in my lap, her arms draped loosely around my neck. I closed my eyes and sighed, resting my forehead against hers.

“What’s wrong?” she whispered, softly raking her nails across my scalp.

I exhaled again, slowly, shaking my head. “Not a thing. Just good to feel you again.”

She kissed my forehead and scooted closer, her stomach flush against mine, her legs tightening around my waist. “Take me to bed.”

I hummed in appreciation, grazing my lips across her collarbones. “I like that phrase.”

She laughed, breathy, her head rolling onto her shoulders as my tongue skimmed her warm skin. Sucking in a hissing breath, her fingernails dipped into my shoulders, her ankles locking tighter at my waist. I stood, my hands cupping her thighs to hold her up. “I can walk,” she said, wiggling to be set down.

I shook my head, gripping tighter. “Shh, I’m trying to romance you into bed,” I whispered, laughing, turning for the hallway.

She giggled, rolling her eyes. “I’m already naked,” she muttered, holding my face between her hands, her forehead pressed to mine.

I leaned in a smidge and gave her a quick kiss, shaking my head. “There’s still some fabric in my way, don’t argue.”

She no longer spoke, busying herself with licking and biting my collarbones, grinding her hips against me, and raking her fingers through my hair. The clothes she had worn over were in a pile on the floor, the closet light still on from when she’d selected an old shirt of mine to wear. She must have taken a nap before I got home. The blankets were turned back and rumpled from restless tossing and turning. I turned my back at the foot of the bed, sank down onto the mattress and waited for her to unhook her ankles before I lay back, pulling her down with me. She sat up, joining her hands with mine and looked down at me, a sweet smile on her lips. “Hey,” she mumbled, shy.

“Hi,” I whispered, laughing at her. She always gets shy just before we come together like this, turns into a giggly little girl, hiding her face and biting her lips. It’s cute, really, and I love to watch. “C’mere,” I whispered, pulling my hands from hers and beckoning her closer. She leaned down, her arms draping over my shoulders as I buried one hand into her hair, the other lightly pressing into the skin of her lower back, slowly taking her bottom lip between my own. I wasn’t rushing this, it’d been too long since I’d held her last, so I slowly kissed her, the only sounds in the room was the gentle sucking of our lips and our quickening breaths.

I rolled over her and sat up on my knees, pulling my shirt over my head as fast as I could, wanting her warm skin pressed against mine. Her warm hands roamed the planes of my back, up over my shoulders and back down again. Although part of me wanted to open my eyes and look at her, the bigger half of me couldn’t handle the beauty of her, the way her eyes would flash, the way her mouth would fall open, the way her teeth would come over her plush bottom lip and bite down. I felt, instead, her fingertips against my skin, the way her hips gyrated against mine, her ankles wrapping tighter and tighter to bring me closer.

“Off,” she whispered, tugging at my belt, her eyes flashing as she blinked slowly, her chest rising and falling with her breaths.

I sat up and removed my jeans, throwing my boxers to the side. I was hard already. Missing her had taken quite the toll on me and having her back in my arms was proving to be quite extreme. I patted her hips and she lifted up off the blankets and let me pull the cotton away from them. I dropped them at the side of the bed where they landed next to mine. I glanced over my shoulder and smirked, the trail of clothes beginning in the living room with my jacket and her shirt, ending at the side of the bed with two scraps of cloth to cover our best bits.

I turned back to her, her hair splayed out against my pillows like a halo, the closet light sending a shadow across her stomach. I stood up and turned the light off, crawling back to her as she giggled into the pillows. “Am I that ugly?”

“Of course not,” I muttered, showering kisses against her ribs. I looked up into her eyes as I pressed a kiss to the swell of her breast. “I want you to feel me, not see.” I slid a hand under her shoulders and snapped the closure at her back, her bra loosening around her chest. I pulled it free and dropped my mouth to her skin, tasting her warmth, her skin bubbling beneath my tongue.

She sucked in a deep breath as my tongue circled her nipple, her back arching off the mattress, her fingers digging into my shoulders. “Niall, I need you,” she whimpered, her hips rising off of the bed to reach for mine.

“Okay, okay, shhh,” I coaxed, smoothing her hair from her face and pressing a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth. “Sit tight.”

She was rushing me, and I wanted no part in it, so I ignored her whimpers, her pleading voice begging for me. I continued to explore her body at my own pace, tasting the skin at my favorite parts of her body; the bend at her elbow, her collarbone, the area below her bellybutton, the apex of her thighs. She was crying by the time I tasted her lips again, her hands reaching up to cup my face, kissing me back with such a spark that I nearly choked up myself. “I love you so much,” she whispered into my lips, kissing me again, breathing hard. I couldn’t speak, so I just nodded, kissing her back as I pulled myself between her legs, lining up with her entrance.

I pulled away from her lips and pressed my forehead to hers, both of us nose to nose and trying desperately to catch our breath. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears, my vision pulsing with every beat. I pushed forward, pushing my tip past her folds and stopping, her breath catching in her throat. I groaned and pulled out, her heat and how tight she was almost painful, a blissful sear. I kissed her again, trying to prepare myself, but I knew it was no use. My body had succumbed to her. My fears, my emotions, my thoughts were all hers.

“Niall?” she whimpered, clawing at my back. I kissed her one last time and pushed forward, feeling her take me in with a searing heat. It seemed to never end, her body enveloping me to my very core. She cried out beneath me when I finally reached the hilt and I stopped, holding myself there. She was shaking beneath me, and my entire body was trembling. I blinked back blinding bright lights as I pulled out of her, pressing a hand to her stomach before I pushed back in.

“Again,” she whimpered, her body thrashing against the mattress. I pulled out again, groaning at the loss of her heat, and edged up to her, teasing my tip against her, watching as she clawed at the blankets and gripped the headboard. “Niall, please,” she whispered, looking straight into my eyes.

I pushed in, slowly, unable to inhale until I reached the hilt again. I dropped my forehead to hers and tilted my head to the right, where she pulled my bottom lip between hers and kissed me again and again, her legs wrapped tightly around my waist. I began to rock my hips into hers, moaning loudly into her mouth. She pulled away and I buried my face in her neck, my hands reaching for hers wrapped around the headboard, resting above hers as I gripped for leverage.

She breathed heavily into my ear, her breath catching and releasing as moans, yelps, and sighs. Every sound from her pushed me forward, the lights becoming brighter and harder to push away. I could feel her tightening around me, if it were possible, and her breath was now just gasps. I looked up at her, her eyes squinted closed, her teeth digging into her red bottom lip. The edges were beginning to blur for me, but I was stuck in limbo until she gave me what I wanted, what I needed. She grew tighter and tighter and suddenly, her eyes broke open and rolled back into her head, her hips stilling beneath me as her whole body froze, on the brink of a collapse. With one final thrust of my hips, she crashed hard, coming all over me, all around me, and my hips finally stopped their relentless movement as I came undone buried deep inside her, letting the bright light flash, no longer fighting what I needed. I collapsed on top of her still quaking body and it seemed like I crashed forever, even after my body had lost all of its strength.

I must have fallen asleep, I opened my eyes after what felt like mere seconds to her body beneath me, calm, and her breathing regulated. Her fingers slowly sifted through my hair as I lifted my head to face her, greeting her with a heavy kiss. I was still buried deep in her and winced as I pulled away, already missing her heat, my body creaking like an old door. She wiggled around for a second and I laid my head back on her chest, my eyelids heavy and my body numb. “You’re incredible,” I whispered, before falling into a deep sleep.

I woke the next morning, the sun streaming through the window and a cool breeze against my legs. I lifted my head from the pillow and squinted against the bright morning light, looking for her, the place beside me empty. I stretched out an arm and felt of the blankets. They were still warm, so she wasn’t far off. I sat up and stretched out my back, yawning as I ran rough hands through my bedhead before pushing back the blankets. I blinked trying to clear the morning fog, searching for my boxers on the floor. I had just pulled them up over my hips when the bedroom door opened slowly.

“Get back in bed, I’m trying to be sweet,” she demanded, juggling a tray holding various breakfast foods and one large glass of orange juice. “You didn’t have much of a selection, so I made do with what I had.”

I sank back down into the blankets as she crossed the room, her body draped in yet another of my plaid shirts. She placed the tray on the bedside table and winked at me. I reached out and grabbed the hem of the shirt, dragging her down to the bed. “You like my shirts?” I pondered, grinning like a fool. She nodded, leaning down to kiss me quickly.

“Okay, what do you want? I made toast, but you didn’t have any jam, so I smeared them with peanut butter. There’s a bowl of cereal, but you didn’t have milk. Ummm…you had some oatmeal in the cabinet, but no one likes oatmeal. I could have-”

“This is perfect,” I beamed, rubbing her knee with my fingertips. “You’re the best.”

She blushed, turning away as she shruged. “It’s no big deal, it’s just breakfast, sort of.”

“Can I have the toast? I quite like peanut butter,” I asked, reaching for the plate before she answered.

“You can have whatever you want, just don’t drink all the orange juice,” she teased, nudging me with her elbow.

“Anything I want?” I asked around a mouthful of toast, perplexed. “Anything?”

“Umm…under certain conditions,” she answered, her voice tinged with nerves.

“Can I smother you in peanut butter and eat you for breakfast?”

She rolled her eyes and poked me in the ribs, shaking her head. “You’re disgusting!” she giggled, swiping the toast from my hand, sinking her teeth in. “I hate you,” she muttered, smiling. “You’re the worst.”

She grabbed a NutriGrain bar from the tray and crawled over me, burrowing back down under the covers. “Cold in here,” she whispered, biting down. “And I don’t like blueberry.”

I shook my head, smiling. It was good to wake up smiling and acting playful. It was good to have her here first thing in the morning, instead of watching the clock on the wall waiting for her arrival.

"Do you do this with him? Have you ever?"

She frowned, looking up at me. “Do what?”

I shrugged, wiping crumbs from my chest. “This. Play. Does he play with you? What’s a typical Saturday morning?”

She sat up a little taller, reaching over me for the orange juice. I watched her as she brought it to her lips, the wheels in her head turning for the answer to my question. I held my hand out for the glass when she was done and placed it back on the table. “Tell me,” I pleaded.

She sighed, shrugging. “There’s nothing special about our Saturday mornings. I wake up early because I can’t stand to be in the same bed with him for longer than I have to. The only reason I run is to have an excuse to get out of the house.” She wiggled a bit, getting comfortable, pulling the hairtie from her wrist and tying her hair into a ponytail. “He’s usually gone when I get back. I don’t know where he goes, honestly, I assume he goes to the office. He’s usually back home by noon, or so, and I make lunch. We get dressed and run errands; pick up dry cleaning, buy groceries…that sort of thing. We come back home and I find something to occupy myself with, laundry or something, while he locks himself in his office until I tell him dinner is ready. I clean up the kitchen and he picks out a movie. I usually go to bed before the movie ends.”

I nodded once, searching for the right words. “That sounds…boring. Don’t you guys talk?”

"Yeah, we talk all the time…When our parents are coming to visit, what time the dry cleaning needs to be picked up, we plan the menu for the week…But no, we don’t have conversations. We don’t laugh or play, we don’t even fight." She shrugged again. "Yeah, it’s boring."

I nodded, feeling sad for her. I knew why it was hard for her to leave him, even though she wanted to walk out and be with me. They’d been together forever, since they were young. He was the first of many; her first boyfriend, her first kiss, the only other guy she’d ever been with. He was a comfort for her, he’d been there through it all, he knew her family and her family accepted him. They’d been together for so long that they weren’t individual people anymore, they came as a pair. He’d never mistreated her, not really. He gave her the material things she needed, and many things she didn’t. He provided the basic necessities anyone could ever want, and he made enough so she didn’t have to work. From an outsider’s point of view, they had it all together.

But they had nothing. They had a loveless, passionless agreement. It wasn’t even considered a relationship anymore. They were both complacent in their position. Their whole lives were planned out. They’d get married and honeymoon somewhere tropical. They’d have a couple of kids, and she’d be a stay at home mom while he would pull in a hefty paycheck every week. They’d grow older, and he’d retire, selling their house once the kids are grown up, and downsize. They’d travel for a few years, until they became grandparents, and then they’d be the cheerleaders at football games. They’d live happily ever after, the end.

But they wouldn’t be happy. They wouldn’t hold hands as they sip their coffee in the morning, watching the sun come up. They wouldn’t have stories to share through laughter. They wouldn’t suffer heartbreak together and grow stronger from it. They’d just…be. If he were to die first, she wouldn’t speak of him fondly. She’d tell everyone that he was a good man who gave her a couple great kids and a warm home. She wouldn’t be able to hear his laughter in the wind, wouldn’t be able to close her eyes and feel his lips upon her skin. She wouldn’t be lonely. She’d feel the same way she did now. Empty.

“Can I ask you something?” I whispered.

She nodded once, closing her eyes, resting against the pillows.

I hesitated just a second, wondering if this was my business at all, but it’d been eating me away since I saw it on Facebook. I glanced down at her left hand, devoid of her engagement ring. “How did he ask?”

I was truly hoping he had asked in such a way that made her remember why she chose to be with him all those years ago. She deserved that, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the realization that, yes, even though things are kind of shitty right now, this was where she needed to be, where she could be happy. I hoped he had delivered a moment that sparkled, a story worth telling over and over again, better than any movie script could produce. This was a moment all girls dream of, and she had every right for this moment to be magical.

Her eyes flew open and she turned to me, her brows furrowed. “Why?”

I opened my mouth, but found no words, so I just shrugged. “You don’t have to tell me, I was just…I just wanted to know if I’d do it better.”

“Oh,” she whispered, relaxing. She bit her bottom lip, staring up at the ceiling. “Sure you wanna know?”

I nodded my head, but my stomach twisted. What if I couldn’t do it better? What if his idea was unique and original, something no one could refuse? She didn’t refuse it, after all. I wanted the world for her, but what if she already had it?

“He asked in a crowded restaurant,” she mumbled, rolling her eyes, her hands crashing angrily into the mattress. “He stood up in a crowded room, got everyone’s attention, hit his knee, and blurted it out in front of all those people. He didn’t even make a speech! He didn’t say he loved me, or anything. He just said, ‘Will you marry me?’ Everyone was staring at me, strangers had their cameras pointed straight at me…The waiter was scrambling for another bottle of champagne, another girl was already walking toward our table with a celebratory slice of cheesecake, and I hadn’t even said anything yet! I’d hate to be in your shoes, Ni. I felt like I had to give them what they wanted, I had to say yes. I had to say yes because I couldn’t imagine the show that would have followed if I said no.”

I didn’t say anything, not because I didn’t feel for her, because I know that there’s nothing you can say. I know what it’s like, to have the whole world staring at you and waiting for a reply, their cameras and microphones aimed at your face. One wrong move and the earth tilts, but if you walk the painted line they draw, everything is fine.

She rolled her eyes again, shaking her head. “I’ve been with him for years and he does something that stupid? Putting me on the spot like that? I took forever to answer him because I was thinking to myself, ‘Should I just run? What’s worse? Saying yes, or saying no?’ I wanted to smash all their stupid cameras and break the champagne bottle over his head and grab a razor and shave all my hair off like Britney, just so they’d lock me in a padded room so I could get away from him for awhile. Fucking idiot.” She growled beneath her breath, rolling her eyes so deep I was sure they’d remain stuck inside her skull.

I smiled, leaning in to press a kiss to her forehead. “You said yes so you wouldn’t look like the bad guy in front of all those cameras.”

She sighed, nodding. “I couldn’t embarrass him like that.”

I shook my head, smiling. “You’re very kind. You know that?”

She shrugged, closing her eyes, resting against the pillows. I lay beside her and did the same, listening to her breathe, rubbing my thumb against her skin. “I thought of you.”

“Hmm?” I hummed, turning toward her. “When I was gone? Yeah, I thought about you all the time.”

She shook her head, her mouth turning upwards into a smile. “No- I mean…yes. But when he asked me to marry him. I thought of you, and I wanted to say no.”

I grinned, my cheeks turning red. “Oh.”

“I wished it were you,” she whispered. “I still wish it had been you.”

I wish it had been me, too. The words sat at the tip of my tongue, but I knew it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. “I would have done it better,” is what I settled for.

She shrugged. “You could have done it in the same setting. It would have been perfect. Just because you’re you.”

I felt my cheeks lift and I just shook my head, embarrassed. “But I wouldn’t have.”

“No,” she agreed, grinning. “You wouldn’t. Can-Can I ask you something?”

“’Course.”

She took a deep breath and laughed nervously. “Um…If I went to him and said no…Gave him the ring back and left…You’d still want me?”

I frowned, furrowing my brows in confusion.. “Of course I’d still want you…Why do you doubt that?”

She shrugged. “I dunno…People pursue things because they want what someone else has. Once they have it, the spark is gone. It’s not as great as they thought it’d be.”

I shook my head. “If that day comes, I’ll want you then the way I want you now, and I’ll want you later the way I want you now. I don’t want you because someone else has you. I want you because you set my blood on fire.”

She stared back at me without speaking, her only movement the slow blinking of her eyes. Finally, she sighed, her eyes closing. “I have to tell him, don’t I?”

I reached out and ran a hand through her tangled hair, smoothing her tousled waves, before dragging her closer, finally resting against the pillows when her head fell against my chest. “That’s up to you, babe.”

She sighed, drawing random shapes against my ribs with her fingertip. “I’ve lost control of this situation.”

I shook my head, grunting my disagreement. “You have total control. He can’t get married without a bride.”

She turned her head, facing me. “You must think I’m awful,” she mumbled, closing her eyes.

I shook my head, running my fingertips across her cheek. “Why do you think that?”

She shrugged. “I would. If I were wrapped up in someone who belonged to someone else, I’d think horrible things about them.”

I smiled, shaking my head slowly. “That’s where you’re wrong.”

“Why?”

“Because you think you belong to him. You don’t belong to anyone but yourself. But you belong with me, and you know that.”

She was quiet, her fingers sifting through the hair on my chest and down across my stomach. “Do you think he knows?” she asked suddenly, turning toward me.

I shook my head. “No. A man who loved a woman would know if she loved another man.”

She nodded, resting her head down again. “Do think he loves me?”

I grimaced, knowing this was a tricky situation. “He does. But he doesn’t love you like I do. Does that make sense?”

She nodded, her eyelids slowly blinking back a mid-morning sleep. “I don’t love him the way I love you. I never did.” She closed her eyes, giving into the nap her body craved, leaving me to run gentle fingers through her hair and trace the freckles across her cheeks.

She spent the next day with me, but left as the afternoon fizzled out. I kissed her goodbye at the door and told her I’d be calling in the next couple of days with the final word on her employment. She giggled fiercely, pressing her face into my chest. After one hundred goodbye kisses, the only reason she walked out when she did was because the cab driver honked his horn. I waited until the car was out of sight before shutting the front door, locking myself away into my tomb.

I didn’t have a huge place, nothing luxurious. I had extra room for when I needed it, but the bedrooms mostly stayed empty. Standing in the foyer, I stopped a moment, listening. She wasn’t obnoxiously loud, but she filled my house with noise when she was here. Running water, her footsteps, her laugh, or just her voice. When she was gone, my footsteps echoed and it was eerily quiet, the only sound coming from the old clock in the living room.

I didn’t mention to her, and I don’t even think she noticed it, but…He never called. His fiancé left for a “job interview” for two entire days, and he never once called her. Never checked in to see how the interview went, never just to say he missed her, or just to say hi. He proposed four days ago and he couldn’t find time to ring her up to say hello.

I couldn’t help but think about what would happen when she got home. He wouldn’t greet her at the door with a warm kiss, like I would, or grab her bag and carry it upstairs, asking a million questions; How was the hotel? Where did you eat? How do you feel about the interview? Would he tell her he was proud of her, no matter the outcome, and offer to make dinner while she talked about it? She deserved that, deserved someone to want to know every aspect of her life, but I had a sad emptiness in the pit of my stomach because I knew what would happen. She didn’t have to lie to him about me because he never asked for details about her.

To pass the time, I went from room to room cleaning up. Clothes we had strewn across the floor, drinking glasses on the table, dishes in the sink. I left one coffee cup unwashed, just carefully wiping the inside of the cup before placing it artfully next to an open magazine on the table, making sure not to smudge the perfect outline of her lipstick on the rim of the cup. Maybe if I left it there, on the table, the magazine half read and the chair pushed away from the table, I’d forget she left. I could pretend she was still here, her magazine interrupted by the doorbell ringing or the oven chiming that her casserole was finished.

I missed her already, and she’d only been gone a few hours. I filled the time with meticulous housework, sweeping the kitchen floor, shaking out rugs outside, I even wiped down the bathroom mirror. Finally, I ran out of pretend chores that needed to be finished, so I sank into the couch and pulled my phone from my pocket. I could easily kill time by tweeting some fans, but I wasn’t in a talkative mood, unless it was her.

Can I call?

Yeah, he’s not even home.

I rolled my eyes, my blood boiling in my hatred for him. She picked up on the first ring. “Hi,” she said, almost shyly.

“Hey,” I smiled, my cheeks burning. “I miss you.”

She giggled, the dishes she was washing clanking in the background. “I miss you, too.”

I sighed, listening, closing my eyes and imagining I was there, sitting at the table sorting through mail as she wiped the counters. I’d stand and creep up slowly while her back was turned and press a warm kiss to the back of her neck, laughing as she sucked in a deep breath, her head falling back onto my shoulder.

“Tell him.”

“Tell him what, Ni?” she asked, distracted.

I sat up straight, clutching onto my phone like a lifeline. “About me. About us. Tell him so you can come home. So you can come home to me.”

The other end of the line was silent and, for a moment, I wondered if she had hung up, but I heard her sigh. “Niall, I can’t just-”

“I know, I’m sorry,” I interrupted, sinking back into the cushions. “I’m sorry.”

She sighed and I could imagine her sinking into a kitchen chair, resting her head in her hands. “I wish I could. I wish it were as simple as that.”

“It’s okay,” I sighed. “I just…I hate having to watch you leave. I want you to be here with no secrets, no alibis. Why isn’t he at home with you? Did he even wait to leave until after he’d said hello?”

“He left right after I got home,” she said. “He got asked to represent the company at some stupid conference.” She paused, and I didn’t say anything, but I crossed my fingers until my knuckles turned white, hoping. “He’s gone for the night. I was thinking about going to my moms, if that’s okay with her…” her voice trailed off into a giggle.

“Mommy would be happy to have you at home for another night,” I laughed, grinning like a fool.

She giggled and I could almost see the smile on her face. “Okay, give me an hour to take a shower, then I’ll be there.”

“No, don’t!” I yelled. “Don’t. Just come over. Hurry.”

As I hung up the phone a few minutes later, I knew it was irrational to be this happy. She’d only left a few hours before, but knowing she was coming back had me grinning like a fool. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on her again, to hold her close and pretend again, for another night, that she’d never have to leave again.

She made me promise to go to the grocery store before she got here, so I grabbed the keys and headed out. I had just walked into the supermarket when she texted me, announcing her arrival. I quickened my pace, wanting to spend every second I could with her before she left. I grabbed a pizza from the freezer section and a tub of her favorite ice cream and nearly sprinted back to the front of the store. I whipped around a corner too quickly and crashed into a man, the loaf of bread and eggs in his hands crashing to the floor at his feet.

“Shit, dude, I’m sorry,” I mumbled, crouching to sweep the broken eggshells out of the middle of the floor. “I’ll grab you another carton, on me.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” he said, with a laugh. “It’s on the company tab anyway, I’ll just grab another. We convinced a few of the women on the team to make us all breakfast in the morning.”

I nodded, sending an apologetic look to the young girl who appeared with a mop and a caution sign. “If you’re sure,” I said, turning to him, my stomach dropping down to my feet once I looked him square in the face.

It was him.

“Yeah, man, no big deal!” he said, slapping my on the shoulder. His eyebrows furrowed together, his head cocking to the side. “Hey, aren’t you that guy—”

“Okay, if you’re sure!” I interrupted, picking up my pizza. “Again, sorry, have a good night!” I took half a step in the opposite direction when his hand circled around my arm.

“You are! You’re in that band! My girlfriend loves you guys!”

“Girlfriend?” I challenged, unable to keep my mouth shut.

He nodded, excitedly. “Yeah, my girl- Well, I guess she’s my fiancé now. Anyway, you’re her favorite—She’s going to kill me when she finds out I met you,” he grinned wildly, reaching for his phone in his pocket. “She’ll never believe this.”

“I’m actually in a rush,” I lied, desperately trying to wriggle out of his presence. “It was really nice to meet you-”

“Can you sign something for her? She seriously loves your band, dude,” he muttered, pulling a receipt from his pocket and sliding a pen into my hand. “I’ve always joked that she’d leave me for you.”

I was screaming internally, wishing I could just go home and hold my girl. “Yeah, I guess a lot of guys joke about that with their girlfriends,” I muttered, scrawling a sloppy version of my name onto the paper. “Anyway, have a good night—”

“Here’s a photo of her,” he said, throwing his phone in my face.

I blinked once, hardly believing what I was seeing. It was her alright, but it was an old photo. Her hair was different, shorter. She looked a few years younger, her body not quite as shapely as it is now. The photo must have been taken when things were better between them because she was clad in only a lingerie set, grinning into the camera as she let him snap the photo.

I frowned, pushing his phone away. “Why are you showing me this?”

I was disgusted with him, taking a private photo of her and shoving it into a strangers face.

“She’s hot, right!” he exclaimed, pushing his phone back into his pocket. “It’s an older photo, she looks a lot different now. Her hair is different, I don’t really like it much, and she gained a little weight, but she’s still bangin’. That’s the only photo I have of her, I call it her prime era.”

“Her prime era?” I spit out, hardly believing my ears.

“Yeah, she was at her hottest in that photo! I mean, she’s still hotter than all my mate’s girlfriends, but that was her prime…Listen, can we take a photo together? She won’t believe me unless she sees it.”

Before I had a chance to decline, he pulled his phone from his pocket and snapped a photo, shaking my hand before walking away, leaving me standing next to a pile of broken eggs and meting ice cream and my blood steaming in my veins.

I got caught in traffic on my way back home, which gave me just enough time to stew over how much of an absolute dickhead he was. I was steaming as I left the store, the traffic had my blood boiling, and by the time I pushed open my front door, I was raging. Irrationally mad at everything, I slammed the door shut and threw the pizza on the counter and the ice cream into the freezer before stomping through the living room, kicking off my shoes and tossing my jacket to the couch, throwing my keys and cell phone onto the table.

I was breathing heavy, my heart pounding in my chest as I stomped my way down the hall, looking for her. Just as I stepped into the threshold of my bedroom, I stopped, watching. Her back was turned to the doorway, her shoes and socks abandoned on the floor at her feet. I watched as she pulled the belt from her jeans and let it fall, watched as she fiddled with the zipper of her jeans and peeled the denim from her long legs. I held my breath as she pulled her t-shirt over her head, watching the way her muscles rippled as she raised her arms, her skin glistening in the dim lighting. She stretched, her arms above her head, her back arched deliciously. She sighed deeply, tired, her arms curling around, her fingers gripping the clasp to her bra.

“Looks like I’m just in time,” I said lowly, allowing my body to sink against the doorframe to the bedroom, admiring her, the raging anger in my bones calming.

She jumped once, whipping around, muttering a dirty four letter word beneath her breath before smiling. “It’s just you,” she grinned, her face red.

“Just me?” I challenged, walking toward her, placing my hands at her waist. “Just me?” She smiled as I came nearer, pressing my lips to hers as I pushed her toward the bathroom, snaking my arms tighter around her. “What were you doing?” I asked between kisses.

“Was going to take a quick shower,” she sighed, watching as I plugged the bathtub and turned on the hot water.

I wrinkled my nose and shook my head. “Nah, I don’t think so.” She watched as I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it down, watched my hands as I tugged my belt loose and pulled my jeans from my hips. “Bubbles?” I asked, pulling the bottle from beneath the sink. She smiled, nodding her head.

Once the water was steaming and frothy, I turned the faucet off and dipped my hand in, turning toward her. Holding my hand above her chest, I watched as a drop dripped from my fingertip and slid slowly down the curve of her breast. I winked down at her, opening my mouth and sliding my tongue against her skin, licking up the water trail. She sighed at my touch, her fingers resting against my hips, a shiver rolling through her body, her skin prickled with goosebumps. “Do you have plans for me?” she asked, giggling as I kissed my way up her neck.

“Mmhmm,” I hummed, unclasping her bra and tossing it to the floor. “A few.”

She laughed softly, slipping her fingers past the hem of my boxers. I did the same, my fingers slipping between her warm skin and her panties, my knuckles meeting with her hipbone. She shimmied my boxers down an inch, and then stopped, waiting. I followed suit, grinning at our game.

Eventually they lay in a pile on the bath mat while I rested my back against the cool wall of the tub, my chin propped on top of her head as she rested into my chest. She pulled her arms from the water and rested her hands on my knees where they peeked out from the warm water, sighing contentedly. I pulled back and dropped my lips to her shoulder, giving her a gentle kiss, his words still replaying in my mind.

He didn’t even know what he had, didn’t realize what he came home to every night. Every inch of her should be adored and cared for, all the time, not just when she was clad in pink lingerie. He still imagined her as the girl she was when they met, not the woman she’d grown up into. The curves I saw weren’t the burden he dealt with, they’re a shape I’d like to kiss forever.

I started to wonder if he ever told her the things he didn’t like about her. Had he ever looked at her reflection in the mirror and admitted he didn’t like her hair, or that he missed her body from when she was sixteen? Had he ever put the doubt in her mind that she wasn’t beautiful? Had she ever stood in front of a mirror and hated what she saw, his complaints echoing in the back of her mind?

“I love you,” I murmured, pressing a gentle kiss behind her ear. “Every inch of you.”

She smiled, sinking closer into my chest. I pulled my arm from the edge of the tub and wrapped them around her, resting my head on her shoulders, squeezing her tightly. “You’re extra loveable today,” she giggled, turning her head to kiss my neck.

I unwrapped my left arm from around her shoulders, leaving my right one across her, pinning her to me. “Don’t fight me,” I whispered, my lips against her ear. She tried to sit up, confused, but my grip held her in place.

“Niall-?”

“Shhh,” I whispered, dropping my free hand to her knee, trailing my fingertips slowly down her thighs, under the water, massaging her skin. I traced my fingers against her, avoiding her sweet spot, waiting until I heard a soft moan under her breath.

I smiled, kissing her neck, loving the way she arched into my touch, her mouth falling open. I drew my fingers nearer, tracing the intimate areas I had avoided, skimming across them, not enough friction to do anything but build anticipation. I slowly circled her entrance, her fingernails digging into the arm I had wrapped around her shoulders.

“Niall, please,” she whimpered, sinking her teeth into her bottom lip. I obeyed, slipping one finger past her entrance, closing my eyes as a low moan fell from her lips.

I explored for a bit, watching her reaction as I pressed my finger to different areas, smirking when I found the spot that made her yelp, her body pulsing tightly around my finger. “You want more?” I asked, my voice ragged. She nodded, moaning that, yes, she wanted more. I withdrew my index finger, joining it with my middle as I slowly circled her entrance again, loving the way she inhaled, preparing herself. I pushed both fingers forward to my first knuckle and I stopped, swirling in circles at her entrance.

She inhaled sharply, her hips thrusting forwards. “More, Niall,” she pleaded, trying to buck herself forward onto my hand, but my grip held her a fraction too far. Instead, I withdrew completely, pulling my fingers up to her clit, beginning a slow, torturous rotation. Even though she was submerged into a bathtub of water, I could still feel her wetness on my fingers, thick and heavy.

She was swollen and close, her breath hitching in her throat every time I began another rotation of my fingers.

“Can you stand?” I asked, loosening my grip from her shoulders.

“What?” she asked, her eyes flying open. “Why?”

“Stand up,” I demanded, stopping the quick rotation of my fingers, pulling away from her completely. I gripped her hips and lifted, helping her to her feet, grinning as she turned to me, confused.

“Niall! What-”

“Shut up,” I muttered, turning her to face me, pulling until she was close. I sat up taller, bringing my hands to the backs of her knees and giving them a slight tap, her knees instantly buckling, resting against my shoulders. In this position, I had perfect access to her swollen bud. She was exactly where I wanted her, able to bury my face between her legs just by leaning forward a couple of inches.

I wasted no time, bringing my tongue to her warm center, swirling at her entrance before dragging upwards, eliciting a moan from low in her throat. I whirled my tongue faster and faster, until she was wound as tightly as she had been just a few seconds before. I dropped my left hand from her hip and thrust two fingers deep in to her, growling as her upper body fell forward, her hands pulling on my hair. I pulled her closer, wanting absolutely no empty space between her and my lips. I thrust my fingers harder into her, nearly crying out when I found the spot that made her yelp before. She stopped breathing as I pressed my fingers against it, harder and harder, maintaining the quick circles on her clit. She grew tighter and tighter around my fingers and, just as the muscles in my jaw began to ache, her knees buckled again and she fell forward, crying out, holding onto the wall to support herself as I powered through, my tongue moving wildly against her, adding more pressure from my fingers. She came twice, contracting violently as she coated my mouth, before her body gave out, collapsing into my lap. I smiled as her head fell, resting against my shoulders, breathing deeply.

“You hungry yet?” I asked, slipping a hand under the water to pat her stomach.

She laughed, shaking her head slowly. “I don’t want to get out of the tub yet.”

I rolled my eyes, placing my hands on her shoulders and giving her a gentle push, sliding her a few inches forward. I stood, roughing up her hair with my wet hands as I stepped out of the tub. “I didn’t say you had to get out. I’ll be back.”

“Wait!”

I stopped, my wrist enclosed in her hand. I turned back, eyebrows raised. “What?”

Her free hand came up from the water, beckoning me closer as her lips turned upwards into a shy smile. I leaned in, holding my weight on the edge of the tub. She leaned forward, tilting her head to the right, her lips just a whisper away from mine. My breath clung in my lungs as I waited for her lips to meet mine, closing my eyes as her breath drew nearer to my skin. Just as her lips made contact with mine, they parted. I leaned forward a fraction more, hoping to catch her upper lip between mine, but she pulled back. “Ice cream, please.”

I froze, my eyes popping open. I stared back into her eyes, an amused light flickering beneath the swirling colors. “Are you kidding me?”

She giggled, leaning forward, her hands cupping my face as she kissed me over and over again, ignoring my lack of a response. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I’m so sorry.”

“You’re an evil woman,” I laughed, pressing a soft kiss to her lips as she giggled. “I’ll bring some.”

“Put some pants on, you’re not decent.”

I rolled my eyes as I wrapped a towel around my waist, watching as she settled back into the tub, sinking down until the soap bubbles rested underneath her chin, her toes stretching toward the faucet to fill the basin with more hot water.

I let her enjoy a long bath while I waited for the pizza to cook downstairs, killing some time by watching the game highlights. The timer on the pizza went off just as I reentered the kitchen and it looked great. I hadn’t realized I was so hungry. I cut it into uneven slices and slapped it all on a big plate and made my way upstairs, juggling the plate, forks, spoons, a bottle of water, and a cold container of cookie dough ice cream under my arm.

She was still in the tub once I got upstairs, but she was sitting up straighter, holding her cell phone in hand, her face pulled into a frustrated scowl. “You met Ryan?”

I hissed, wincing, before nodding my head. “I—yeah, I did.”

“Were you planning on telling me?” she asked, glaring at me.

I rolled my eyes, dropping the feast onto the bathroom counter. “Honestly, no, and for damn good reason.”

“Why?” she asked, taking the slice of pizza I passed to her, scooting forward in the tub and spinning around, giving me room to resume my seat and face me.

“Because you’d ask what he said, and I didn’t want to tell you,” I said simply.

She swallowed, glaring over her pizza slice. “Why?”

I sighed, annoyed. “I just…Please don’t ask. I don’t want you to know. It’s for your benefit.”

“Is he leaving me?!” she practically yelled, her eyes widening.

I was surprised that was the first conclusion she came to, but couldn’t help the knot that formed in my stomach. “Would that be such an awful thing?” I whispered, picking at the pepperoni, not wanting to make eye contact with her.

Her shoulders slumped as she shook her head. “No, that’s not what I meant…I’m sorry. What did he say?”

I shook my head, blinking slowly. “No, you’ll get mad and confront him about it. He’ll know that we know one another and you’ll blow the whole thing!”

“Niall, I have a right to know what—”

“I don’t want you to know!” I yelled. “They weren’t nice things! I don’t want you to know because you’ll never forget them! They’ll eat away at you, I don’t want you to know what he said!”

Her eyes widened and she pulled away from me, her back pressed to the wall of the tub. “Oh,” she said, quietly, defeated. She never said another word, just quietly ate her pizza as she stared at a spot on the wall. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything for awhile, not until the bubbles disappeared and the water began to cool.

“I’m sorry I yelled,” I said quietly, looking up at her and hoping my big blue eyes would help my case.

She shrugged. “It’s okay.”

I gripped her ankles and pulled her closer, bringing her legs around my waist, tugging her into my lap. “I’m just looking out for you. I don’t want his nasty words to worry your pretty little head.”

“It’s okay,” she sighed, pulling her hair over her shoulder, the ends of her hair wet. “It just really freaked me out when Ryan texted me about you.”

“What did he say about me? I wasn’t particularly pleasant,” I laughed, kissing her forehead.

She giggled, shaking her head. “Yeah, he said you were a dick.”

I shrugged, smoothing her hair. “He pissed me off. I could hardly believe what he said about you.”

She hung her head, shrugging her shoulders, fussing with the polish on her nails. “It’s whatever.”

I pulled a hand from the water and tilted her chin up, staring at her until her eyes finally shifted to mine. “It’s not whatever. It’s not okay. You shouldn’t push it under the rug. Your fiancé said cruel things about you to an absolute stranger.”

She sighed, her shoulders slouching, her bottom lip trembling just a tad. “It doesn’t matter,” she mumbled. “It’s not like I can do anything about it.”

“Baby, leave him,” I whispered, pleading with her. “He doesn’t deserve you for another minute. I don’t want to push you, but I hate knowing you’re in a toxic situation, leave him.”

“It’s not toxic,” she argued, “He takes care of me and-”

“And when your back is turned, he’s not on your side,” I countered. “Why would you give yourself to someone who’s not on your side?”

She opened her mouth, but she was at a loss for words. She hated to admit that I was right, but she had no argument. “He used to be on my side,” she mumbled, shrugging. “I never doubted that until now, not really. I mean, I wondered, but…I never had proof.”

I winced, hating that she found out. “I’m sorry your proof had to come from me.”

She gave me a sad smile, looking up at me. “I’m not. You’re on my side, for sure. I definitely know that.”

I kissed her forehead and pulled her close, running my fingers over her back. I rocked her side to side until goosebumps formed on her skin and I could feel her jaw chattering against my chest. “Up, up, up,” I yelled. “You’re cold, go to bed. I’ll bring the ice cream.”

She shook her head, turning around and stretching across the tub, flipping on the hot water with the tips of her fingers. “Not yet. I like being in here with you.”

“But my fingers are pruny,” I laughed, “And so are yours.”

She smiled as she wrapped her arms around my shoulders, pulling her body closer to mine. “Make love to me first. Then we can go to bed and do it again.”

I quirked up an eyebrow, not believing her. “In here? In the bathtub?”

She bit her lip, nodding her head as she lowered her lips to my neck. “Uh-huh,” she hummed, her teeth grazing my jaw. “Up for it?”

I wanted to say no, but my fingers involuntarily gripped her hips firmly and the familiar tingle in my stomach began to swirl. “God dammit,” I groaned, my head falling back onto my neck as her teeth tasted my skin, my hips bucking upwards, the water sloshing out of the basin and onto the floor. One hand flew into my hair, jerking my head toward hers as she pressed a rough kiss to my lips, her teeth biting down onto my lower lip. Her other hand fell between us, gripping me in a firm hold. She wanted the upper hand this time around and I was happy to let her have it, but mostly I was unable to stop her.

I winced as her thumb brushed against my tip, letting go of the air held in my lungs, squeezing my eyes shut. Her strokes were long and slow, her fingertips dancing over me as her lips remained fast and hungry against mine. The bath water grew warmer as my heart rate skyrocketed, moans falling from my lips without my permission. My eyes rolled back into my head and I struggled to regain my composure, pulling one hand from her hip to press against her center, running tight circles over where she wanted me most. She reacted instantly, her hips rolling against my hand, her lips stalling against mine for just a moment.

I wasted no time gaining control, pulling her forward and thrusting into her, filling her slowly. She cried out, surprised, her yelp quickly turning into a contented giggle, bracing her knees as she began slowly riding me, her hands gripping my shoulders. “Slow, baby, slow,” she mumbled, dropping her forehead to mine.

With my hands on her, I wasn’t able to move slow. All I wanted was her withering against my touch as I thrust hard into her, but she wanted slow. “All you, baby,” I whispered, dropping my hands to the edge of the tub, gripping until my fingertips turned white.

She accepted the challenge, dropping her mouth to my neck, slowly cascading her lips across my skin. I closed my eyes, concentrating on her hips, the slow swivel, the languid figure eights.

Maybe it was the buildup from earlier, or maybe just the slow swivel of her hips, but in no time I was nearing my breaking point. I felt a sweat build on my forehead, my breath gasping from my lungs, my stomach impossibly tight. Just as I dropped my hand beneath the water to help her along, she gripped my wrist and pulled it back, slowly shaking her head. “I already got mine, c’mon, baby, your turn. What do you need from me?”

I was dizzy, her words hung in the air as I fought to answer her. “Nothing,” I finally spat out, letting my head fall back onto the edge of the tub, closing my eyes. “Don’t change anything.”

She ignored me, swiveling her hips faster. Though it felt good and I knew I was seconds away from busting, I argued. “No! No, no, no!” I yelled. “Slow, like you were.” I wanted to draw this out, wanted it to hit me slowly, drain me slowly. I wanted to ease into it and crash hard. I wanted to come down as slowly as her hips rotated. She did as I asked. After a few more minutes, I could feel the blood rushing in my head. I opened my eyes, focusing on the ceiling, but it kept getting further and further away, the walls started to close in and, just before everything went black, everything lit up brighter than the sun.

The last thing I remembered before I crashed for the night were her gentle fingers pulling me from the tub and the soft towel she used to dry me off. I remember easing back onto my bed and closing my eyes, stretching my arms out until I found her skin, pulling her closer until I could rest my head on her chest. “You have to leave him,” I whispered, pleading. “You have to.”

“I will, baby, I will.”

The only times I got to see her in the next few months were when she was supposed to be shopping for her wedding dress. He was rushing the wedding, dragging her along to pick out the cake and the venue and the caterer. The invitations were sent out, the priest was called. They picked the song they’d dance to, he asked his friends to be groomsmen. She was still dawdling on bridesmaids, flowers, the overall theme. Her heart wasn’t in it. He was at her side for everything else, picking what he liked best, and she just went along with it. The only time she was alone was when he loosened the chain long enough for her to look for her dress.

But she never stepped foot into a shop. She never got a fitting done to see what size she wore, never contemplated the style of dress she wanted. Instead, she’d burst through my front door, tears lining her eyes, crashing into my chest. I’d calm her down as best as I could and she’d stay a few hours, collecting her thoughts.

On one particular afternoon, it took twice as long to calm her down. Her shoulders shook twice as hard as she cried, her tears flowing freely from her eyes, fighting for air. The wedding was thirty days away and she was losing it. Frankly, so was I.

“I can’t do it,” she wailed into my chest, clutching onto my shirt. “I can’t marry him.”

I sighed, closing my eyes. I was growing tired of having the same conversation with her, but I knew this wasn’t something I could fix. “You have to tell him that, not me.”

I wasn’t angry with her. I knew this was a tough thing to have to do, but after months and months of this, I was starting to give up hope that she’d ever be mine. It was taking a lot out of me to hear the same promises. I knew she meant her words, but her actions put doubts in my head.

“I can’t just-”

“Why?!” I shouted, surprised as my sudden outburst. Just like that, I snapped. I pulled away from her, wanting her to realize how sick of this I was. “Why can’t you tell him? I don’t want to marry you. That’s all it takes! You’re miserable! You tell me every day how miserable you are, and he has to be able to see that! You’ve been planning this fucking wedding for almost six months, and you still haven’t gotten a dress yet! You’re running out of time!”

“I don’t need a dress, Niall! I’m not going to marry him!” she cried, dropping her hands limply at her sides. “I’m not going to marry him, I-”

“Yes, you are!” I interrupted, yelling over her. “You are! You’re going to marry him because you’re scared to do anything else! You’ll marry him because you’re weak! Do you think I’m going to be here after you get married? Do you think I’ll wait for you forever?”

She was frozen in front of me, her mouth agape, truly shocked. I was shocked at my reaction, as well, but dammit, I was right and it was time for her to get herself into gear, or say goodbye to me.

“I want you to want me like I want you!” I said, quieter now, trying to calm down. “But you don’t.”

“Of course I do,” she argued back.

“Then leave him!” I pleaded. “Leave him and take away all the doubt you’ve given me! You have to leave him.”

She bit her lip as it trembled, a fresh layer of tears leaking from her soft eyes. She took a deep breath in, shaking her head. “I can’t,” she whispered. “I can’t.”

As my heart sunk into the pit of my stomach, I hung my head, forcing back the tears I felt threatening my own eyes. “Give me one good reason why you can’t.”

I looked up at her then, scanning her face for an answer. She just stared blankly back at me, because she knew she didn’t have a reason. We stood in an awkward silence, staring back at one another, until finally, I gave up.

“Come here,” I whispered, pulling her into my arms. I held her tightly to my chest, breathing in her familiar scent as I ran my hands through her hair. I pulled back and pressed my lips to hers, savoring the taste of her, the way her lips fit perfectly against my own. I kissed her breathless and only pulled away once she sighed quietly. “I think you need to go,” I whispered, clearing my throat as I took a step away.

“Why?” she asked, staring at me in disbelief.

I shook my head slowly. “Because you’re marrying another man. You shouldn’t be here. You should have never been here. You need to leave.”

“But-”

“I don’t want you,” I said, more forcefully. “Leave.”

I gently pushed her toward the door, opening it and watched as she took a deep breath before stepping onto the front porch. “Good luck finding your dress. You’ll be beautiful.”

“When will I see you again?” she asked, fiddling with the zipper to her jacket.

I sighed, forcing myself to remain strong. “You won’t. Don’t come back.”

I softly pushed the door closed, flipping the lock. I turned around and pressed my back to the door, sliding to the floor, listening, holding my head in my hands. I counted the ticking from the watch on my wrist. She stood on my doorstep for three and a half minutes before I heard her footsteps dragging against my porch. Her car started, she backed out of the driveway, and then she was gone.

Gone.

We had no proof of our relationship besides the spare change of clothes she kept in my dresser and her toothbrush in the cabinet. No photos, for fear of them getting out, no home videos. After so long, it was over that quickly.

I wouldn’t touch her again. I wouldn’t hold her hand, tickle her ribs, tuck a fallen strand of hair behind her ear. I wouldn’t feel her smile underneath one of my kisses, hear her sigh in her sleep, or giggle to my bad jokes.

Though my heart was racing and my hands were shaking, I stood up, ignoring the panic settling in my gut. I picked up the phone and texted a buddy. “Hey, I need a drink. You in?” That night, I hit the hard liquor and drank her away.

She called incessantly for two weeks. My fingers itched to answer the call, but I just silenced the ringing and turned my head. I’d wake in the middle of the night, the phone singing on the bedside table, her name splayed in bright white letters. If she wasn’t calling me, she was texting me. I deleted every text without opening the messages.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to her. I missed her so much, wanted so badly to apologize and ask her to come back, but I knew I was right. It was harsh, but it was the only way to sever the tie with her. She needed to learn to be happy with him or make a tough decision.

Eventually, she stopped calling. For a day, I was glad my phone wasn’t ringing. By day two, my thumb hovered over her name on my phone, wanting to call. Though I was the one to end it, it was her walking away. It was her moving on while I stayed behind. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see her face, standing on my front porch, crying. I replayed the last conversation we had over and over, hating myself for yelling at her, for calling her weak. Though my words were true, I had been mean, hurtful.

I ignored social media. I had no idea what my friends were up to because I was too afraid to open Facebook. Twitter was safe, she didn’t have an account, so whenever I wanted to talk to her, I’d tweet and chat with a few fans until the urge subsided. She truly was a drug. The withdrawals were extreme, leaving me angry, bitter, and depressed.

Three days before the wedding, I packed a duffel bag and climbed onto a plane with the boys, happy for a two-week promotional tour to take my mind off of her. If I wasn’t on stage, I was in rehearsal. If I wasn’t in rehearsal, I was asleep. I didn’t have time to think of her, to miss her, so she became a memory.

But that all changed the second I stepped off the plane. London was her home. The tall building in the heart of the city held her husband’s law firm. The outskirts of town, the green rolling hills of the English countryside, held the home they lived in. The grand Catholic Church near the university was the place that held her wedding. She was all over this place. I skipped out on drinks with friends that night. Instead, I went home, to walls that contained too many memories of our time together.

After lunch with my mother the next afternoon, I got her a cab and gently kissed her cheek as I told her I’d come home to visit soon. My dentist’s office wasn’t too far away, so I started walking, not thrilled to be spending the rest of my afternoon with a drill in my mouth. I spaced out, watching my feet as I walked, cursing under my breath when I ran into someone head on.

“Sorry, mate, my bad—Jake!” I grinned wildly, extending my hand for the cliché bro handshake us men do.

“Hey, man! Thought you were in New York?” he asked, burying his hands into his jacket pockets.

I nodded once, shifting on my feet. “I was, got back yesterday. I’m off work for a few months now, nice to be home for awhile.”

“We need to get together, dude!” he yelled excitedly, slapping my arm. “Get the whole gang together!”

“Yeah, we should!”

I spaced out as he continued to babble on, my mind back on her. Jake and I had grown up together, and he was the reason I ever met her. He was her cousin. I flashbacked to the night I saw her walk into the bar and hug him, leaving a gentle kiss on his cheek. I still remember his laugh when I asked who she was, telling me she was in a very long-term relationship.

He’d know something about her, how she was, if she was okay.

“You busy Friday night?” he asked, interrupting my thoughts.

“Uh, I’m not sure,” I muttered, “I’ll let you know. Hey, didn’t your cousin get married? The really pretty one?”

He shrugged, grinning. “I don’t think any of my cousins are pretty.”

I laughed, rolling my eyes. “You know what I mean! The one I met in Gordo’s last fall! The pretty one!”

“Lauren?” he asked, nodding his head. “Nah, she didn’t get married.”

That wasn’t what I was expecting to hear.

“What?” I asked, after pausing long enough to catch my breath. “But I thought-?”

He shrugged. “I’m not real sure, man…I mean, everyone thought her and Ryan were fine! A few days before the wedding, my aunt calls and tells my mom that Lauren came home, crying, said she left him. Gave him the ring back, told him she didn’t love him anymore and couldn’t go through with it. Trust me, dude, we were all shocked.”

My mouth was dry, my blood racing through my veins. I cleared my throat, shaking my head. “Damn…That must have been hard for her. How did he take it?”

“Like a prick!” he yelled, shaking his head. “I talked to her yesterday and she said he hasn’t called. She told me he didn’t even fight her when she left him. Didn’t argue or anything, he just let her leave.”

My stomach churned, my fists balling up in my pockets. “Jesus…that’s messed up. Is she okay?”

He shrugged. “I guess so, she’s back to being the pest she always was. She’s moving out of her parent’s house again, told them she got a roommate. I guess she’s doing okay.”

I nodded, shifting my feet again. “Well, good for her. She deserves better than that.”

Jake nodded, looking down at his watch. “Well, hey, dude, I gotta go. Text me about Friday, yeah?”

I nodded, giving him a wave as he turned and walked away, disappearing into the afternoon crowd on the sidewalk.

She left him. She waited for the last possible second, but she left him.

But she didn’t call me.

And, suddenly, I didn’t give a shit about the cavity in my teeth.

I was nearly run over by a cab when I jumped in front of it, pulling open the door and spitting out my address to the cabbie. I hunched down in my seat, staring blankly ahead, aware that my biggest fear had become a reality.

She’d been so afraid to leave Ryan, but now that she had, she realized she didn’t need me, either. I only ever wanted her to be happy, but I had always assumed I’d be in the picture when she found happiness.

The sun was beginning to set when I arrived home, a cold rain splashing across the pavement. I threw a few bills at the driver and thanked him before he left. I ducked my head against the rain and walked slowly up my front steps, sliding my key into the slot, greeted by the warmth of my home. I kicked off my wet shoes and locked up behind me, turning toward the living room.

I stopped in my tracks, unsure if a crystal clear memory was playing in my head, or if this was real life.

She never gave me back her key.

She sat in dim lighting, wearing the same plaid shirt she always swiped from my closet, a glass of wine in her hand. Her long legs were propped up on the coffee table, her long hair pulled into a loose ponytail, swept across her shoulder.

I noticed all of this later. When I set eyes on her, all I saw was her left hand, free of another man’s engagement ring.

I stepped forward once, her head turning to meet my eyes. She watched me in silence as I continued to step closer, finally sinking down onto the couch next to her, my eyes never leaving her face.

With a sweet, sad smile, she spoke. “Hi.”

“Hi,” I returned, my voice coming out as a whisper.

I watched as her eyes slowly filled with tears. She sniffled once, wiping her eyes. “Remember that time when…” she trailed off, looking at the TV, then back to me. “The time I made breakfast in bed? You didn’t have any food in the house, so I had a weird assortment of stuff?”

I nodded, afraid to move. “Yeah.”

She took a deep breath as she looked away, but her eyes were glossy when she turned back. “You told me…You said, I wanted you then the way I want you now, and I’ll want you later the way I want you now. Do you remember?” she asked, whispering.

“I remember,” I whispered softly, nodding my head.

She sighed in relief, her shoulders slouching. “The day you made me leave…You said you didn’t want me.” Her voice cracked as she spoke, biting down on her bottom lip as she finished.

“I remember that, too,” I whispered.

She took a sip of the purple wine, her lips stained. “I left Ryan,” she said softly, swirling the liquid in her glass.

I nodded. “Why?”

She took a minute before she answered, her eyes scanning over my face, like she’d never seen me before. “I left for me. Not for you, for me. I needed to know if I could be alone, if I could make myself happy being by myself, relying solely on me for happiness.”

I nodded, picking at my fingernails. “How’d that go?”

“It went really well,” she said. I smiled because I could hear the smile in her voice. “I liked it, I liked being in control of my own happiness.”

“Good,” I whispered. “I only wanted you to be happy.”

“Yeah, I know,” she smiled, nodding her head. “Ni?”

I looked up, cocking my brow. “Hm?”

“I’m happy alone, but I’m happier with you. I feel differently about myself when I’m with you. I don’t want to be away from you anymore,” she said quietly, her voice thickening as she tried not to cry.

I reached out, running my fingertip down her arm until I reached her hand. I linked our fingers together, taking a deep breath, looking back up at her. “Do you remember the morning I told you I wanted you because you set my blood on fire?”

She nodded once, wetting her lips with her tongue.

I reached for her wine glass, setting it gently on the tabletop. I dropped her hand and brought it to her chin, tilting it up. “You still set my blood on fire,” I said plainly. “You are always going to set my blood on fire.”

She nodded quickly, a tear leaking from her eye as she sucked in a deep breath. “I missed you so much,” she cried, falling forward into my lap, her face against my neck.

“I missed you, too,” I whispered, kissing the top of her head as she sobbed quietly.

I held her for a long time, so glad to be able to feel her skin against mine. She sat up eventually, giving me a watery smile. I smirked, reaching forward to wipe away the smeared makeup from her cheeks. “You don’t need this stuff, ya know?” I mumbled, shaking my head as she shrugged her shoulders.

I gave her ponytail a soft tug, twisting one of the curls around my finger. “I uh…I didn’t mean anything I said that night…The night I made you leave.” I cleared my throat, glancing around the room. “I just needed to prove my point and that was the only way to do it. I needed you to see.”

She nodded, sighing softly. “I know,” she whispered, nodding her head. “I’m glad you did. I was so scared I lost you.”

“You couldn’t lose me,” I smiled, shaking my head. “No way.” I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers, my eyes falling shut. It was so natural to kiss her, the taste of her something I’d been missing. I pulled away slowly, rubbing my nose against hers until she giggled.

“Are you hungry?” she asked. “I made your favorite.”

I wrinkled my nose, shaking my head as I wrapped my hands around her waist, tugging her into my lap. “Later.”

I extended my legs, stretching out as she wriggled her way on top of me. I jumped as a crash rang out, glancing over her shoulder. “What the fuck was that?”

On the floor, next to my right foot, was a large tote. I knocked it over, the contents now spilled across the floor. I watched as a bottle of hairpsray rolled, wincing as it clanged down the two stairs that led to the kitchen, halting as it bumped into the cabinet. I exhaled slowly.

“I’m glad that didn’t explode,” I muttered. “That yours, I suppose?”

She nodded once, her cheeks turning pink. “I have something to ask you…”

I cocked a brow, waiting.

She giggled, looking up at me. “I’m…I’m kind of homeless now. I lived with Ryan, but…ya know. And my parents live so far away from the city and I don-”

“I think I could clear a drawer or two for ya,” I grinned, wrapping my hands around her ribs.

Her eyes widened, a grin stretching across her face. “Really?”

“Yeah,” I smiled, nodding my head.

She squealed like girls do and I rolled my eyes as she chattered on and on about how she’d pay rent and wouldn’t take up too much room and keep her side of the bathroom organized. I cut her off, a slow kiss to her lips. “You can do the dishes, because I hate it, and maybe the laundry because I don’t know how. I hope you take over my bed, I want your makeup all over the bathroom counter and your shoes in my closet.”

“I won’t stay long,” she promised. “Just until I find a roommate and a flat.”

I shook my head. “I’ll be your roommate. I want you to stay forever,” I mumbled into her collarbone, dusting gentle kisses across her skin.

“Why?” she whispered, her head falling back onto her shoulders.

I smiled, pressing a soft kiss to the swell of her breast. “Because you set my blood on fire.”