Radioactive

Laying out on the hill on the top of field was the last place I wanted to end up. Especially with him, but I had no choice, really, and it was definitely besieging, knowing that he was laying right next to me. We both had our gazes turned up to the grey-brown sky, the distant sounds of warfare in the background of our deathly silence, and I wondered just why exactly he wanted me up here with him. Maybe to rectify our past, before the apocalypse happened? He’d done too many ignoble actions for me to forgive him that easily, though.

The ephemeral silence was broken by a heavy sigh, then his voice.

“Alan?” his soft spoken, hopeful sounding voice sounds beside me.

I let my eyes drift shut, just letting that single word, that had once been whispered so erotically in my ear, fill my ears. I don’t respond for another few minutes, staying quiet, until another sigh comes from him, and I open my eyes again, looking over at him.

As soon as my eyes meet his, I feel butterflies exploding in my stomach, the rich, maple brown colour of his eyes practically trapping me, like they always had been able to. They look so sad, though, and I know that’s partially my fault. I have to force myself to look away, or else I’ll burst into tears.

“You know I regret everything I did to you, right?” he whispers, seemingly trying to preserve the silence, although his voice is still as opulent as it always has been. He doesn’t give me the chance to respond before he’s speaking again. “I really do. It was the worst decision of my life to hurt you like that,” he goes on to say, enervating my outer shell a little, just from the tone of his voice.

“Austin, don’t. Please,” I finally get out, shaking my head a little and bringing my arm up to cover my eyes, shielding them from the hardly-there sun, which was being covered by bland, grey clouds. “Is that all you brought me up here for? Was to apologize again?” I say, turning to look at him again, about to sit up, when something caught my eye.

Something was flying towards us, straight towards us, and my eyes widen, my mouth opening in a shriek of terror before Austin flings his body over mine, causing us both to crouch in a protected position. After the explosion stops ringing through my ears, my eyes blink open to see that Austin was coughing off to the side of me. I gently sit him up, my eyes wide. He possibly risked his life to be my aegis, and that might be the single most thoughtful thing anyone had ever done for me. His altruism would always be my favourite thing about him, the way he would put everyone else before himself. He’s got heart problems, and in this post apocalyptic world, nobody can afford those, yet he’s one of the strongest at our camp.

I begin to realize that I was being a complete boor to him, knowing what he did wasn’t his fault, and I just start to feel even worse. I realize now that I was in the wrong for so long, and when his eyes open to look at me again, mine are filled with tears, and it’s been so long since that has happened, it feels weird when they slowly drip from the corners of my eyes, and I have to squeeze my eyes shut again before I start to bawl, not wanting to look weak in front of the man I love, even though I know I am.

I take a moment to compose myself, before slowly opening my eyes, finding that he was still staring down at me. I move my hands up to his chest, feeling him start to push himself off of me, but I stop him and lean in a little, pressing my lips to his in a soft, gentle kiss, one we haven’t shared in months. At first, he was shocked, naturally, but then he begins to kiss me back, trying to hold back how obviously fervent he was, and I smile a little against his lips, sighing softly before I pull away slowly, not wanting to get too carried away, knowing someone would be out to look for us soon, no doubt.

I grip his shirt in my hands, keeping him still over me, glancing to the side to see if I could spot what had flown towards us. My nose wrinkles in disgust when I smell what was nearby before I see it. I think it was supposed to be a ball at one point, but currently, it was amorphous carrion, scattered within our near proximity.

Turning my gaze away before I get sick, I return to Austin, sighing softly when I see he’s still staring at me, the look of adoration in his eyes making my heart hurt. I gently push him off of me, sitting up a little and running my fingers through my hair. I can’t look over at him, knowing he’s giving me this look of hurt, and I just sigh softly.

“I’m sorry, Austin. I know I’ve been a jerk to you. You don’t deserve it, and I’m so, so sorry,” I say, my voice quiet and hardly heard as a soft breeze began to float by us. I bring my knees to my chest and bury my face into my hands, digging my palms into my eyes to stop the stinging of tears.

“Alan, no, please don’t say that,” he murmurs, scooting back next to me and slipping one of his arms around my torso, holding my body close to his own, his other arm slipping under my knees, turning me so I was in his lap. I gladly accept the position and lean myself against his chest, resting my head on his shoulder. “We both did something wrong, so if anything, we’re both at fault here, but no, please don’t say I don’t deserve you being a jerk,” he says gently, running his long fingers through my hair. I open my mouth to say something, but I don’t get the chance because he’s speaking again. “You have every right to be a jerk to me, I definitely deserve that,” his voice was still so soft and gentle, it hurt me to ever think that it got higher than that. I keep my eyes squeezed shut as I breathe in his scent, allowing the silence to overtake us again as we just sit, listening to the screams and gunfire in the distance.

I flinch a little at the sound, glad our camp was one of the more… Neutral… Ones. We still fought, naturally, but, we housed a lot of children and teenagers, ones who couldn’t contribute to the constant war. Like me. I was worried, even when I was avoiding him, that Austin would get forced to go fight. He still might, but I’m so grateful it hasn’t happened yet.

I open my eyes again when I hear another noise, confused at first, before realizing that he was just humming to me, which always used to calm me down before the apocalypse. He must’ve realized that I was starting to get uneasy, and it makes me smile a little, but its a sad upturn of my lips, and I slowly shift off of his lap to sit by him again, sighing.

“Just because I apologized doesn’t mean I’m going to take you back that easy, Austin. I don’t think I have enough mental strength for that,” I tell him gently, heaving myself to my feet, offering him a hand even though he probably didn’t need one.

“But you kissed me. I thought we were going to be okay again,” his voice sounds hurt again, and I look at the ground in shame, avoiding his sad, puppy eyes.

“I know I did. I don’t know why I did, but I’m not really ready for a relationship with you yet, Austin. I’m sorry, I really am. If you give me, maybe a week to let me actually get back into being around you, then we can try again,” I say, looking up at him under my lashes, seeing a small smile on his lips.

“All I’m asking is for you to try,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to my forehead before sighing softly under his breath. “We should probably get back to camp. If we don’t, Tim is going to freak,” he laughs softly. It causes a grin to spread across my lips, remembering the time our group leader almost had a heart attack because Austin, I, and a few of our friends went out to scour the surrounding towns for food. “He’s got something shoved up his--”

“Austin!” I scold, but I can’t help the laugh that comes from me as we begin walking back, knowing what he was about to say.

We walk back, our chatter lighthearted, and I can feel myself warming up to his charm all too quickly. As soon as we get back in camp, I have another body tackling mine, almost causing me to fall over, but I feel Austin catching both me and the little ball of energy that ran into me.

“Alan!!! I missed you! You just left and no one would tell me where you went!” he whines to me, looking up, the little bit he had to, with his crystal blue eyes.

I laugh softly, hugging him back and letting go so I could step out of Austin’s arms too. “Tyler, I was just up the hill with Austin, you know where it is, buddy!” I tell him, watching him tilt his head and think about it for a moment before he grins.

“Oh yeah! But I still missed you!” he pouts up at me and I chuckle softly.

Tyler’s a… special case. He’s my age, twenty two, but he has the mindset of a seven year old. The end of the world messed him up, and I feel absolutely horrible for him most days, but he looks to me as like an older brother, so it’s like my duty to look after him. I should’ve told him that I was going somewhere, but I spaced it.

“I’m sorry, Ty, but wasn’t Michael here to keep you company?” I ask, and as soon as I utter his name, the taller man rounds the corner, Tim following him. I smile at the two, but I don’t get a very pleased look back.

“Austin, Alan,” our leader begins, and Michael takes Tyler’s hand to gently lead him away, the blond boy obediently following, but looking reluctant about it. I look up at Tim momentarily before looking back down at the ground. “You left without permission. You know that’s not right, especially considering there’s a war going on right outside the confinements of camp,” he scolds us, and I hear a soft sigh from Austin next to me.

“Yes, sir. We’re sorry. I just wanted to talk to Alan without somebody eavesdropping,” Austin apologizes.“We weren’t trying to disobey, and I certainly didn’t think our actions were factious,” he continues, and I glance up to see Tim giving him this incredulous look, and I have to bite back a snort of laughter.

“I wouldn’t necessarily say they caused disagreement, but more caused concern,” Tim says gently, looking between the two of us. “I’ll think of a punishment later, you are dismissed,” he says, turning on his heel and walking back to what he was doing before we returned.

I let out a small breath I didn’t know I was holding, looking up at Austin with a small half smile. I shake my head a little and turn away, telling the taller man that I was going to go find Tyler, beginning to walk away, before being tugged back. I turn back to ask him what he wants, but I’m cut off by his gentle lips against mine. The kiss finished as quick as it started, a soft whisper of farewell brushing over my lips before he’s walking away himself.

I stare after him with a slightly shocked look, before my lips twitch up in a smile, and I turn slowly, still smiling as I go to find my figurative little brother.