Obsidian Crosses

When I was said it was horrible, I wasn't kidding. Having my arm held by Jesus made me feel absolutely weak. Just who the fuck did he think he was? I looked deep into the eyes of Jesus. Mike was crying from happiness. "Fuck off. You have a lot of nerve." I hissed, wrenching my arm away from him. Then I walked my sexy ass on dat water back to dat boat. Billie Joe burst into applause. The rest of the boat ride was spent in awkward silence. The rest of the disciples hadn't heard my nasty comment, and it was going to stay like that. I couldn't kill their stupid leader if they knew how much I despised him and stupid pretty hair.

"Your stupid messiah is cheap." I snapped to Mike, who looked deeply offended. He crossed himself.

"He saved your life, you know. Maybe if you could just admit how awesome he is, you'd be so much happier." Mike whispered, casting his eyes up at the heavenly sky in reverence. I smacked him. Stupid Christians being stupid masochists.

"Mike, unless you shut up, I'mma nail your ass to a cross." I retorted. Mike grinned with happiness, and fell over giggling. I smelled his breath, checking for any hints of drugs. Then I slashed his arm open, and analyzed the contents of his blood using the presidential watch. The reports all came up negative. But how could that be? It's must be a pretty trippy drug if it doesn't rank on the charts. Mike was moaning about his Jesus again and how great he was, and how he wanted to suffer for him. Sure, sure, let me get the bondage rope and silky handcuffs and you can have it off with the motherfucker for as long as long as you want. Judas did not look happy at all. In fact, he reminded me of the old Mike.

We were staying at an inn in Jerusalem. It was a pretty shitty inn, since it had straw beds and no electricity. I was bunking with Peter, which sucked because he was Peter. He wouldn't stop bragging about how Jesus chose him, a lowly fishermen, out of the thousands of other lowly fishermen. It didn't matter though, I could trash the inn and turn it into a rocking concert hall for Green Day. I was staying here on Jesus' pocket book after all, I could waste as much of his money as I wanted. After all, I was technically his D-I-S-C-I-P-L-E. So, I went around flinging straw into the eyes of the other inn occupants. Then I told them that I was an apostle of Jesus, and that they could kiss my pretty emo ass. I also tried to tell them that Peter was a willing prostitute, but no one was interested.

J-Christ and most of his crew were out healing the easily impressionable and curing the schizophrenic, so I had the run of the inn. It was awesome, planning for the concert. I had made Mike go and drive the tour bus to our location, so now I had access to the official Green Day crash pad. People marveled at the bus, and we're caressing it like a lover. They muttered amongst themselves. They thought that maybe this "Green Day" was demonic in nature. Ha! I wish. I started telling them about the healing qualities of Green Day and that they should come by later for the concert, and not surprisingly, there was a lot of support. I passed out bottles of black hair dye, red ties, heart-shaped hand grenade buttons and other assorted band merch to help them get sexed up for the concert.

Later that night, after I had gotten teh inn decorated in black and red checkered streamers, people were flocking in to see greatest band in the world ROKC! Billie Joe was all dolled up in his red tie that I so deliciously choked myself with in the past. Mike was modestly holding his guitar. Tre was eating bottle after bottle of black hair dye, but I used Peter's disciple powers to heal him. His lips were stained bright black, it was almost goth.

We had a special opening act planned. Since these people were obviously the ghetto dwellers of the Hebrew Nation, I knew that I would need a special treat to entice to listen. I knew that ghetto rats loved whore houses, so that's what I wanted to give them. Billie Joe started off by dancing sexily on stage, and then slowly started stripping down to red thong. He then pulled back the curtain and unveiled Judas on a dart board, wearing a bondage outfit. Judas did not look happy at all, but I paid him and told him that J-Christ would love him soo much. Billie Joe started singing a song by "My Darkest Days" called "Porn Star Dancing".

"Peter Won't Kiss My Friend Simon
Andrew Won't Play Ball
Matthew Won't Share His Friend John
Doesn't Anybody Live At All"

"James Won't Leave Me Empty-Handed
Got His Number from A Bathroom Stall
Luke Just Has Way Too Much Baggage
Can't Handle That At All

But I Got A Boy Who Can Put on A Show
My Dollar Decides How Far He Goes" Billie Joe sang huskily and then began to lightly whip Judas with a velvet whip. Then Billie Joe smacked his ass cutely and began singing songs from "Uno", which was one of my favorite Green Day CDs. The crowd was loving it, in fact, they wanted more. I was holding up a sign that said "Say No to Hetero!" and said that the love story between Billie Joe and Judas was the greatest ever. I got up on stage, grabbed the microphone and shouted "That's what I'm offering you, salvation by the greatest band in the world! I'mma baptize you in hand grenades and pure gold." And then I watched as gold change rained from the air until the delirious crowd went wild. They wanted to make Billie Joe their king.

Suddenly, Jesus and his disciples returned. His disciples looked at the crowd in shock. I pointed to Jesus. "And courtesy of our pimp, JC, he want's you to be a disciple of Green Day too. Thank you, J-Christ, for showing us the way, the truth and the life of Green Day!" I shouted. The crowd cheered harder.

Furiously, Peter got up on stage, wrenched the mike from me and shrieked "No, that is not our message...uh, our message is..uh, I actually don't know. But this 'Green Day' is a false god and should be purged from your mind. Repent! Repent!" Then he started sobbing from rage. I patted him gently on the back. It was tough, I knew from when I was running for president. No one believed in me either, but I had beat the odds!

But, the crowd had began to riot. They broke the stage, dismantling Judas and his bondage, in the process. Peter and Tre were covered in splinters. The crowd hoisted Billie Joe, Mike and Tre onto their shoulders and paraded them away from me. I struggled to catch up, but was lost in the crowd. No one would budge, they didn't care that I was the fucking prez. It got worse though. They where was talk of J-Christ and his followers and how they were of Satan. People began to pick up stones.

Some asshole threw me over their shoulder and carried me to the front of the street. I was surrounded by people holding boulders. They were going to kill me! I stared at them.

And then a soft voice said...

"Let the person who has done nothing wrong cast the first stone." It was a simple command, but it stopped the crowd in their tracks. Behind me was Jesus, and the twelve. Jesus had placed his hand on my shoulder, as if to guard me. It was...almost magical.

The crowd dissipated, and I was alone. With Him (and with the Twelve, but who cares about them.) It was awkward. "Am I supposed to thank you, or something?" I asked Jesus sarcastically. "Because I'm not ever going to thank you. I'm going to keep on wasting your money, and dragging your name through the dirt... I mean, I want to...thank you, but I can't. You're too stupid and cheap. Dumb messiah! I...I..." I whimpered, thinking of the absence of Billie Joe. Nothing mattered without Green Day.

Jesus bent down, placed his soft hands around my face and kissed my forehead gently. "I love you." He said. I burst into tears. Why didn't Pandora say nice things to me like that? I desperately wanted to know. Peter reached down and gave me an awkward hug.

"Come with us, Heather. We can help you find your friends." Peter said. The rest of the disciples agreed heartily.

Well, I suppose being around twelve gay fan-boys couldn't hurt...