Status: I've had a lot going on. I'm not the same anymore. And i'd love to hear from some of you. Any of you. About whatever you want.
Mint and Vomit Scented
I wouldn't say that i struggle with my eating disorder. It's not some separate evil entity that tells me to hate myself and hurt myself. It doesn't stick a toothbrush down my throat. it doesn't tell me to keep going even though the drain is clogged in the bathtub and my nose is bleeding. My eating disorder doesn't know that ice cream still comes up cold five minutes after consumption and that meat comes out in chunks, and is probably the hardest food to regurgitate. No. I manage all of that on my own.
I was 12 when i began thinking about how to lose weight. I started at 130 pounds back then. I worked my way up to 167 at some point in high school. The only time I really stopped was when I had my first boyfriend. I thought that everything could be okay with him. I felt pretty. And then one day, he decided that him and i just weren't meant to be, that he had so many issues and i needed someone who could keep up with mine. so long, farewell, i feel kind of bad, but mostly free. And suddenly my year and four months of happiness disappeared and i hated myself again for a whole new set of reasons.
Not only did i have a climbing weight issue, I was so messed up about him leaving. I could think of a million and one reasons why it was my fault he left me. I was angry when i didn't get texts back, and i wanted to go out more but he had no money, and i told him i hated him because he seemingly always let me down. Instead of blaming him for being a jerk who couldn't text me back, or tell me about what really was going on in his life, or ever stick to a plan, I blamed me. It was easier to hate me again.
And here we are. I am 17. 157 pounds, i hope. and i smell like vomit masked with mint mouthwash. I am alone and helpless and realizing that i am lost and i dont really know anyone around me that well.
I want to laugh and be a happy blonde sophomore again but i'm a fat sad chick who eats her feelings then throws it back up in the shower. And nobody wants to touch that. Nobody would kiss that, or love that which could do such hideous, disgusting things. There's nothing pretty about what i do despite me doing it to be pretty. The best part is that nobody would understand it if i tried to tell them. They'd all just tell me to get help instead of helping. They'd tell me to fix myself instead of loving me or hugging me.
I want love so badly and i am alone, but nobody loves mint and vomit scented.
I was 12 when i began thinking about how to lose weight. I started at 130 pounds back then. I worked my way up to 167 at some point in high school. The only time I really stopped was when I had my first boyfriend. I thought that everything could be okay with him. I felt pretty. And then one day, he decided that him and i just weren't meant to be, that he had so many issues and i needed someone who could keep up with mine. so long, farewell, i feel kind of bad, but mostly free. And suddenly my year and four months of happiness disappeared and i hated myself again for a whole new set of reasons.
Not only did i have a climbing weight issue, I was so messed up about him leaving. I could think of a million and one reasons why it was my fault he left me. I was angry when i didn't get texts back, and i wanted to go out more but he had no money, and i told him i hated him because he seemingly always let me down. Instead of blaming him for being a jerk who couldn't text me back, or tell me about what really was going on in his life, or ever stick to a plan, I blamed me. It was easier to hate me again.
And here we are. I am 17. 157 pounds, i hope. and i smell like vomit masked with mint mouthwash. I am alone and helpless and realizing that i am lost and i dont really know anyone around me that well.
I want to laugh and be a happy blonde sophomore again but i'm a fat sad chick who eats her feelings then throws it back up in the shower. And nobody wants to touch that. Nobody would kiss that, or love that which could do such hideous, disgusting things. There's nothing pretty about what i do despite me doing it to be pretty. The best part is that nobody would understand it if i tried to tell them. They'd all just tell me to get help instead of helping. They'd tell me to fix myself instead of loving me or hugging me.
I want love so badly and i am alone, but nobody loves mint and vomit scented.