Regrets Can't Change the Past

Business trips with Shane and hotel rooms with Shane used to mean one thing to Brendon. Hotel room sex. He would get excited just thinking about it. Dirtying up the Hilton bed and then just laying there, watching Shane put his three pieces back on, forgetting the tie.

That was years ago, though. When he first started tagging along. Before Shane had his “big promotion” and suddenly had way more meetings and places to be.

He still tries, though. Every now and then. Tonight is one of those nights. He’s still in shock about having seen Ryan, but right now, all he wants is his fiancé.

“Brendon, I’m tired,” Shane says, pulling away from Brendon’s lips.

“Shane, come on. It’s been so long,” Brendon complains, tugging on the waistband of Shane’s pants.

“I’ve been running around all day and I have to get up early and run around some more. I really don’t have the energy to spare.”

“So I’m hardly going to see you at all again tomorrow?”

“Why don’t you spend some time with your friend? Robin?”

“Ryan,” Brendon corrects.

“Yeah, Ryan. You guys can catch up or whatever.”

Shane has absolutely no idea about Brendon’s past with Ryan, because Brendon never told him about it.

“Yeah. Good idea,” Brendon replies, settling back on the five-star pillows, giving up on any intimate time with Shane.

“Let’s go to sleep now,” Shane says, and turns off the light. “Love you.”

“Yeah. Love you, too,” Brendon sighs, rolling onto his side, his back to Shane.

***

Brendon calls Ryan in the morning, but he gets an answering machine, so he leaves a message and watches a movie on the free HBO.

Ryan calls him back a movie and a half later.

“I had a doctor’s appointment,” Ryan explains.

“Oh. Why? Are you sick? What’s wrong? You did look kind of thinner and paler than usual yesterday. Well…from what I remember, anyways,” Brendon says, and Ryan laughs on the other end.

“No, no, everything’s good,” he says.

“Okay, good. But hey, do you want to meet up somewhere and like, continue to catch up on things?”

“Yeah, sure, totally!”

“Okay. I really don’t know many places around here, so do you just want to meet up at that same diner as yesterday?”

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

***

“So, engaged, huh?” Ryan says with a fake smile on his face, but Brendon’s forgotten how to tell the difference between Ryan’s fake smiles and his real ones.

“Yeah, it’s crazy, isn’t it?” Brendon laughs, looking down at the silver band on his finger.

“How did you guys meet?”

“Uh, reality television.”

“No way.”

“Yeah, I’m just kidding,” Brendon jokes, and Ryan laughs. “No, um. It’s actually really boring. I was working at a restaurant and he came in and the rest is history.”

“Yeah, reality television was a much more interesting answer.”

“I know. So what about you?”

“What about me?”

“You know. Anyone special in your life?” Brendon asks, grinning.

“Oh, um. No, not really. I mean, there were a few people here and there, but…no one worth mentioning.”

“I see,” Brendon nods. “I really missed you, you know.” It’s so out-of-the-blue that Ryan is caught off guard, but he nods anyways.

“I know. I missed you, too.”

“The first few months after you left were the hardest. Not just because you were gone but because I kept questioning myself, wondering if it had been something that I’d done wrong that drove you off. A few times, I even considered just…ending it all.”

“You mean…?” Ryan asks in horror.

“Yeah. I mean, thank god I didn’t. But…it was hard.”

“You don’t know how much I…still regret, to this day, leaving,” Ryan admits.

“Regrets can’t change the past.”

“I know that. I just….”

“I know.”

***

Brendon and Shane move to New York City a month later. Ryan comes over and helps them unpack. Their apartment is huge and gorgeous and Brendon is so obviously ecstatic that Ryan is actually happy for him.

***

“We finally set a date!” Brendon gushes across the diner table to Ryan. He’s been living in the city for four months now and he and Ryan have into the routine of seeing each other almost every day.

“Really?” Ryan asks, trying to sound as excited as Brendon.

“June tenth! And yeah, I know, that’s like, more than eight months from now, but still!”

“That’s great. I’m really happy for you,” Ryan lies.

“And um. This might be...weird. And not exactly…normal, considering the um, circumstances, but I want you to come. And…it would really, really mean a lot to me if you were my…Man of Honour.”

“Man of Honour?”

“Yeah, you know, a mix between the best man and the maid of honour. Gay wedding, things are…kind of changed,” Brendon laughs slightly.

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. Um. You know, I’ll have to check if I’m…even…available that day. But.”

“Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that’s…yeah.”