Regrets Can't Change the Past

Ryan hardly ever sees Shane around when he goes to his and Brendon’s place. It’s like he’s always, always working. Brendon claims that he doesn’t mind. He says that it’s nice that he doesn’t have to worry about finding a job because Shane’s salary is enough to support them both.

“That sounds so shallow,” Brendon laughs. “What I mean is that even though I would like a job to both keep me busy and not feel like I’m totally mooching off my fiancé, I don’t have to worry about the fact that it’s nearly impossible to find a job right now.”

Ryan laughs and says that he understands, but in the back of his mind, he’s thinking that Brendon changed the topic of discussion from Shane-Is-Never-Home to jobs rather quickly.

***

Ryan has no idea why he decided to accept Brendon’s offer to be ‘Man of Honour’, but he did and he’s realizing that it’s way more work than he had expected.

Especially since Shane is always working, nearly all of the planning is left up to Brendon. And Ryan.

“Roses are so cliché,” Brendon says, flipping through the book full of different flower arrangements. “I want something bright and summery, you know? I mean, it is a summer wedding, you know?”

“Yeah, definitely,” Ryan agrees as he looks through a brochure of different cake-toppers.

“God, I feel like there’s still so much to do!” Brendon groans.

“You still have more than two months, Bren,” Ryan smiles reassuringly.

“I never realized how much work went into planning a wedding until I actually had to do it myself -- are you okay?”

“What?”

“You’re shaking,” Brendon says, concerned. Ryan stares at him for a second, blinking as if trying to process what Brendon just said.

“Oh. Um. It’s just…it’s really cold in here!” he says.

“I’ll turn the temperature in here up,” Brendon says, standing up and looking at Ryan suspiciously. “You know, it’s probably because you’re so damn skinny.”

“Maybe,” Ryan chuckles.

“I swear, you’ve gotten even thinner in the past couple months. Ry, are you anorexic?”

“You’ve seen how much I eat.”

“You’re right, that would be impossible,” Brendon laughs, sitting back down. “are you sure you’re okay? Really, you look kind of sick.”

“I’m fine, honestly. I just have a headache.”

“You know what, so do I. Too much planning. Come on, let’s take a break and go be total fags and watch that Sex and the City marathon that’s on television right now.”

***

“Ryan, it’s Doctor Williams. You missed your appoint--” Ryan stops the message on his answering machine, not letting it go any farther. He throws the key to his apartment on the counter, almost aggressively and stalks off to his bedroom.

***

“I think I want a cheesecake instead of a cake, cake,” Brendon mumbles, looking through another brochure-magazine-book thing and Ryan doesn’t think he can stand to look at one more of those, so he reaches over and pulls it out of Brendon’s hands.

“Ryan, what--”

“Stop it. Stop talking. I need to talk and I need you to listen,” Ryan says, and he can’t believe that he’s actually doing this, but he knows that it’s either now, soon, or never.

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t help you plan a wedding to someone that isn’t me because I am totally and completely in love with you. And god, what am I doing? Why am I saying this? It’s my own fault that we’re not together and I know that and if I could go back in time and change things, then I totally would, but I can’t, so I’m stuck here and you’re going to marry Shane because you love him and not me because I fucked everything up. But I’ve always, always, always loved you. I never stopped. Not even for one second. And you’re the only person I’ve ever loved. I doubted it when we were young because we were young and I thought that maybe we didn’t really know what true love really was, but I was wrong. And we were lucky because we found each other so early but now you have someone else and I can only blame myself and, god, is it really hot in here or am I just going crazy? Oh, god, I am going crazy. You’re getting married in six weeks and I’m professing my fucking love to you. I know it’s not going to change anything, it’s not like you’ll leave him for me. You’d be crazy to. You have it made with him. He’s completely perfect and me, I’m a…an aspiring writer who hasn’t written anything in years with a run-down, one bedroom apartment and hardly a job. I don’t even have enough money for a goddamn cell phone! But that…isn’t the point. The point is that I just. I needed you to know. Once. Just one time that I…love you. And now…I’m going to go use your bathroom because I feel like I’m going to vomit and then I’m going to go home and take a really, really long nap.”

Brendon is too in-shock to even reply, let alone move and get up and try to make Ryan stay.

***

Brendon has been in the same exact spot for five hours. Shane finds him there, smiles, and leans down to plant a kiss on the top of his head.

“How’s the planning going?” he asks.

“Um. It’s…going,” Brendon answers monotonously.

“I need a shower,” Shane says, walking towards their bedroom. “You should join me.”

Brendon still doesn’t get up.

***

“I only weigh ninety-eight pounds. I’m always either freezing or totally burning up. I’m always tired. I can’t even make it up the stairs without being completely out of breath. And these goddamn headaches won’t go away.”

“You’ve stopped taking your medication, haven’t you, Ryan?”

“What’s wrong with me, Doctor Williams?”

“You know very well what’s wrong with you.”

***

“God, Shane,” Brendon moans, his back pressed into the mattress, Shane’s sweaty hair falling down and tickling his chest.

“So good,” Shane grunts, moving inside of him.

Brendon tried to keep his mind on what he’s doing, but it’s straying because it’s been straying a lot, lately.

It’s been a week since he’s seen Ryan. He feels lost and betrayed in the way that he hasn’t felt since he was seventeen all over again.