Regrets Can't Change the Past

“I have to go to work, babe,” Brendon says, in their bedroom, smoothing out his work uniform, looking over to Ryan in bed still.

“This early?” he groans, and Brendon laughs.

“It’s already nine. And you should get up, too. You have to go in at noon,” Brendon says, and comes over to sit next to Ryan. “Take your pills,” he reminds him.

“I know,” Ryan sighs. “What time do you get off work tonight?”

“Six.”

“I get out at eight,” Ryan pouts.

“Which means I’ll be home when you get home,” Brendon smiles. “But I really need to leave now.” He leans down, placing a small kiss on Ryan’s lips, running his fingers through his hair.

“I love you,” Ryan tells him.

“I love you, too. See you later,” Brendon says, gets up, and leaves.

They’ve fallen into a comfortable routine of always working, but enjoying their time off with each other. Ryan’s found out that now that Brendon knows about his condition, things have become surprisingly easier. He doesn’t have to hide things and he doesn’t have to make up stupid excuses for things.

But then there’s the subject that neither of them have really brought up even though it’s in the back of both of their minds. Sex.

***

Ryan comes home from work exhausted every night. Brendon almost wants to tell him to quit his job, that he’ll make the money to support them, but he knows that he wouldn’t be able to support them.

Nine in the evening finds them sprawled out on their bed together, Brendon at a slant, his feet dangling off the side, with Ryan’s head on his stomach. They used to lay like this when they were younger, talking about their future together, and it’s almost like nothing ever changed. Like they got older, but everything else still stayed the same.

“Ry…” Brendon says, and Ryan mumbles a “Hm?” glancing up at Brendon. Ryan’s head moves up as Brendon takes a deep breath, and falls back down as he exhales. “I want to be close to you again.”

“We’re close right now,” Ryan replies, even though he knows what Brendon is really referring to.

“You know what I mean,” he says. “It’s been almost two months since we’ve been back together. Since I’ve been living with you.”

“Brendon. I just…I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

“But why not?”

“Because! What if we do? What if we do have sex and then you…get…”

“That’s what condoms are for, Ry.”

“But they don’t always work! I don’t want to risk it.”

“So, what, we’ll just never have sex?” Brendon asks, and Ryan can hear the disappointment in his voice. “Ryan, do you remember what you told me before we had sex for the first time and I was scared?”

“No.”

“You said that it was putting ‘I Love You’s and ‘I Trust You’s together and into actions. Now, unless you were just feeding me that bullshit to get into my pants, then I’m pretty sure that the same thing still applies. And guess what? I love you and I trust you and if I end up with HIV, then so be it. At least I’ll know that it came from you.”

“But I’m scared,” Ryan says in a soft, almost weak voice.

“I know.”

“I swore off sex completely like, six years ago. I decided that I wasn’t going to do it again for the rest of my life and I still haven’t broken that. Of course, I never thought that I would ever be with you again.”

“I was your first, so let me be your last, too,” Brendon says, and Ryan hardly has to think about it before he nods.

“Okay.”

***

Ryan feels nervous and scared all over again. Like he’s about to lose his virginity for the second time in his life. He fumbles with the condom, and seeing Brendon naked and hard and spread out on the bed doesn’t help any with his nerves.

“I haven’t done this in a really long time,” he tells Brendon, almost as a warning.

“Ryan, I don’t have any expectations of you.”

“You don’t?”

“You’ve blown me away before, I’m quite positive you’ll be able to do it again,” he smiled, reaching up to thread his fingers through Ryan’s hair, pulling him down to him and kissing him.

***

He had forgotten how amazing sex was, let alone sex with Brendon. He’s panting beneath Ryan, beads of sweat rolling from his forehead, eyes locked onto his, legs wrapped around Ryan’s waist, pushing him in farther and faster.

Ryan feels the heat gathering in the pit of his stomach. His breath comes out shaky, little moans making themselves heard. Brendon lets out a slur of incoherent words, pushing his head back into the pillow, his hips bucking upwards to meet Ryan’s thrusts.

When it’s over, Ryan falls down onto Brendon, laying his head on his chest as they both catch their breath and regain the ability to think.

“Amazing,” Brendon gets out, smoothing Ryan’s damp hair from his forehead. “Just like I’d remembered.”

“Brendon, there’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you,” Ryan says, looking up at him.

“Yeah?”

“Well, um. I know that this is something that neither of us really want to think about, but. When things, you know…get worse…I want you there with me--”

“And I will be,” Brendon interrupts.

“No, I know,” Ryan says. “It’s just that…sometimes they might not let you…if you’re just my boyfriend. And, I promise, this is something I’ve been thinking about, I swear it’s not just the sex talking, but. Will you…marry me?”

“Jesus, Ry, don’t sound so nervous. Do you honestly think I would say no to that?” Brendon says, and his smile is bigger than Ryan thinks he’s ever seen it. And he can’t help but to smile, too.

***

There’s no ceremony and they don’t even have rings, but in two weeks, after doing all of the legal stuff that’s needed, Ryan and Brendon are married. Just like they had planned so many years ago.