Regrets Can't Change the Past

“Merry Christmas, baby,” Brendon says, bouncing on the bed on his knees, leaning down to kiss a sleepy Ryan on the cheek. It’s their first Christmas as a married couple and, not having much of a disposable income, they are without a tree and had agreed not to worry about gifts. However, the small, neatly wrapped box in Brendon’s hands suggests otherwise.

“What’s that?” Ryan asks, nodding towards the box.

“Your Christmas present,” Brendon answers with a bright smile.

“I thought we said we weren’t going to get presents?”

“Yeah, but before we said that, I’d already started saving like, half of the tips I got at work every night. So, come on, here, open it,” Brendon says, pushing the box into Ryan’s hands.

“I didn’t get you anything,” Ryan says sadly.

“I don’t care! Just open it!” Brendon laughs, and sits back on his heels as he watches Ryan tear open the paper.

“Rings,” Ryan smiles.

“One for you and one for me. Because, you know, we’re married and all, I thought we should have rings,” Brendon says.

“It’s…perfect. I love it,” Ryan says, slipping the shiny gold band over his left ring finger.

***

As days go by and days roll into weeks and weeks become months, Brendon finds himself feeling as if he’s working all of the time. Ryan knows that he’s getting worse; he can feel it. Whenever Brendon’s working, Ryan spends most of his time at home with Toby, at the library, or at another doctor’s appointment.

***

“I think I want to be cremated,” Ryan tells Brendon, an afternoon where Brendon has an entire hour for his lunch break, so he came home to spend it with Ryan. Brendon looks uncomfortable at the statement and Ryan sighs.

“We have to talk about this, you know. It’s inevitable.”

“I know,” Brendon replies.

“I know that you probably want to avoid thinking about it as much as possible, and so do I, but my time is running out. I’m dying, Brendon. We both know it, we might as well be able to talk about it.”

“I know,” Brendon says again. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

***

“Are you scared to die?” Brendon asks softly, laying on his back on the bed, Ryan’s head on his stomach.

“Not really,” Ryan replies. He’s holding on to one of Brendon’s hands, tracing over it, looking at it, almost as if trying to memorize it. “I used to be. When I first realized that I was gonna die. I mean, we all know that we’re gonna die, but it’s different when you know that it’s soon. But it gives you time to accept it. Come to terms with it, you know? Overcome your fear. The only thing I haven’t accepted yet is that I have to leave you. Again. And this time, I have no choice.”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do,” Brendon admits.

“You’re going to keep living,” Ryan says. “For me. For you. And for Toby, too, because he needs you, too.”

“It’s gonna be so hard, though.”

“Which is exactly why you have to do it. I have faith in you, Brendon. I know you’ll be able to do it. And you’re going live a really long time and be really happy and when it’s your time to go, you’ll be really old and it’ll be really peaceful. Okay?”

Brendon just nods, letting the silent tears streak down his face.

***

When winter turns into spring and the snow melts from the ground and the grass in the park turns green, Ryan and Brendon find themselves there often. To spend time out of the apartment, to play with Toby, just to enjoy each other’s presence.

Brendon laughs, throwing a ball and watching Toby -- now much larger than before -- run after it and catch it in his mouth, bounding back to Brendon. Ryan watches, smiling. They’re sitting in the grass, side by side, amongst other couples and families and groups of friends all enjoying the new spring weather.

Toby lets out an impatient bark, waiting for Brendon to throw the ball again and Brendon laughs, teasing him with it. Ryan coughs, something he’s been doing a lot lately, covering his mouth with his hand as he coughs again. Brendon is too busy playing with Toby to notice that Ryan keeps coughing, for which Ryan is glad, because he hates worrying Brendon. When he’s finally done coughing, he pulls his hand away, noticing a small speckle of blood on his palm. Before Brendon can notice, he wipes it away on his dark-colored jeans.

***

Shaking night sweats have become an almost nightly thing for Ryan. Brendon will wake up, hold him, and after a while, it will stop and they’ll fall back to sleep. The night that it doesn’t stop, though, is the night that it goes on into the morning. That morning is the morning that Brendon takes Ryan to the hospital because he doesn’t know what else to do.

The doctors give Ryan some type of medicine in an extremely large dose and a doctor explains to Brendon out in the hall just how weak Ryan’s immune system is and that something as simple as the common cold could become something much worse and could potentially kill him.

Brendon spends almost an hour alone in the hallway crying because he knows that this is it. The beginning of the end.

He calls one of the closest things he has to a friend at work, Jon, and is fully prepared to beg him to cover for him and take his shift at work that day, but Jon agrees almost immediately.

When he goes into Ryan’s hospital room, he sees him laying there and he’s attached to machines and he looks pale, skinny, and weak, but Brendon is still sure that he’s the most gorgeous person that he’s ever laid eyes on.

“Hey,” Ryan smiles when he sees Brendon.

“Hi,” Brendon replied, walking over and taking a seat in the chair next to Ryan’s bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” he answers honestly with a smile, and Brendon lets out a tiny laugh, despite the fact that he still has tears in his eyes.

“Hey, don’t cry. This is a crying-free zone, got it?” Ryan says, and Brendon manages a smile and nods.

“I got Jon to cover my shift at work today,” Brendon tells him. “So I can be here all day.”

“Yay,” Ryan says with a grin. “But I’m really tired. Would you be offended if I fell asleep?”

“Not at all. Go right ahead,” Brendon answers.

“Okay. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Ryan’s eyes slip closed and his breathing becomes soft and even as he sleeps, and Brendon just sits there, watching him, tears falling down his cheeks.