Ghosts in Snow

It was nice, to be social with someone. The time I spent with Gerard was enjoyable. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually sat down with another human being, outside community, that wasn’t my mom or dad and talked. We didn’t talk about why we went to community even though it was obvious, all we talked about was horror movies and music. When I got picked up, Gerard was lighting another cigarette, making my heart flutter when he muttered a goodbye as he blew smoke in my face.

My favorite day of the week was Friday. On Fridays, I took a cab to the city and treated myself to museums and museum food. With black sunglasses covering my face, I stepped out of the cab, leaving a nice tip and happily made my way inside MoMA. I bought my ticket and followed the small clumps of people to the exhibits. I found my way to the On Show section: Andy Warhol. I found an empty bench and planted my butt in it, staring up at a pop art Marilyn Monroe. I always admired her beauty, sometimes I think my mom looks like her.

I had the time and money to go to the city every week because I didn’t go to school. I had to be removed from school because I had lost too much weight, I wasn’t able to walk up the stairs in a timely manner to get to class. The rest of the school year, the spring semester of my junior year, was spent in a hospital, Letchworth Village, getting my GED. Along with my GED, I was getting stuffed like a holiday turkey.

I had to wait a semester before going to college. Instead of resting and gaining weight, I got a job. It wasn’t anything fancy, just at a bookstore shelving books and magazines and because I lived with my parents, I could afford to spend money every week going to the city and seeing art.

“Shouldn’t you be in school?” Turning around, Gerard was behind me. He stood with the same dark attire and a sketchbook tucked under his arm. I smiled a bit and shook my head.

“No, I have my GED, what bout you?” I asked. He walked towards me and sat himself next to me. He was so close I could feel his body heat and I could smell the cologne he wore mixed with cigarettes.

“I go to the art college, I didn’t have class today so i decided to come here.” He spoke on one side of his mouth, I noticed. I thought it was cute and wanted to ask him about it but I was afraid he’d stop doing it if I pointed it out. I nodded my head and turned back to the art in front of us, pretending to be interested. We just sat there, I could feel Gerard’s eyes on me and I couldn’t help that my heart was pounding like crazy.

In the months that I lost the most weight one of the bones that began to protrude against my skin was my sternum. It was still that way. I felt that if Gerard kept staring at me my heart would pound itself right out of my chest. I was surprised that he couldn’t see my heart pounding against my chest right now. I had decided to wear a loose pair of jeans held up with a belt and a plain tee shirt that was flush against my skin.

“Bird, do you want to go to Cafe 2 with me and get a coffee? With me?”

“Why are you nervous?” I asked him, getting up. He took that as a yes, that I wanted to get coffee with him, which I did. Along with his smoking, I thought it was cute the way he drank coffee. I had no idea what the hell was wrong with me. Before my life ended, I thought coffee and cigarettes were repulsive but maybe it was just the way Gerard smoked.

“Honestly?” I nodded. “Well, I never had coffee with a pretty girl more than one time..” His laugh was sad and forced, his eyes were cast to the floor was we walked side by side. There was a blush that was blossoming on his cheeks was he spoke his confession and our arms brushed.

“It’s okay, I’m nervous, too.” I told him, leaning my body closer to his. “I haven’t had coffee with an attractive boy ever.”

“That’s hard to believe, Birdie.”

“Well, believe me, Gee. At my high school, boys don’t talk to me. They’re scared of me.” I laughed lightly. “No boy wants to date a bag of bones who got shipped off to Letchworth Village because I don’t know how to eat.”

“You were in Letchworth Village?” He asked softly. We sat at the espresso bar, Gerard ordered for both of us. He smiled nicely at the girl behind the counter who was flirting with him making a strange feeling pool in my stomach. I stayed quiet until we got our drinks. Every week I always forget that the cups they use are heavy and I have to use both hands to pick it up.

“Yeah I kind of had some problems last winter…” I trailed off, thinking about how I got into this mess.

“I get it, you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay. I won’t push you Birdie.” He shifted in his seat, sipping his drink. “Can I be honest, Bird?”

Looking up at him, I smiled. “Of course you can, Gerard.”

He smiled, licking his lips nervously. “I like you Bird, more than I should after knowing you one day. I know I’m crazy for asking this, let alone thinking about it, but I would really like the idea of, uh, you know...pursuing the idea of...of us...”

“Us? Like dating?” He nodded, his eyes glued on his sketchpad. “I like that. Me and you, I mean. I like you, too, Gerard. Yesterday when I walked into the building and saw you and you mom, I’m guessing, I thought you were attractive right away,” I giggled thinking about it. “You looked so mad and cute dressed in all black…”

“You think I’m cute when I’m mad? Hm, I’ll keep that in mind.” We smiled at each other now, openly blushing our heads off. “Do you mind if I drew you? I kind of came here for a school assignment and I think I’ve found my muse…”

“You want to draw me? Why? I’m so weird looking!” I exclaimed.

“No, I think you’re beautiful. I love your hair, it’s so big and looks like a cloud. Plus I really like your eyes.”

“My eyes? I have brown eyes, Gee, they’re boring.” I rolled my eyes, shifting so I was facing him instead of the windows. “But, yes, draw me for a grade. I’ll tell you right now you’ll get a bad grade.”

All Gerard did was scoff and flip opened to a new page and took a pencil from his jacket pocket. “Stay like that but you can talk and drink, but try and stay in the same position. Is it okay if I position you slightly?” I nodded, watching his face as one of his hands grabbed the back of my knee, making me laugh, and crossed it over my other one. He told me to shift so all my weight was going towards the counter we were sitting at and he took my right arm and draped on my lap, his fingers grazing my skin leaving goosebumps in his wake.

“Okay, now, Sugar, why don’t you tell me a story?”