Earth to Me

Poor Murray was on his own when it came time to move out – he told his mom to take a day off, since she ran a coffee shop back in Aurora and he didn’t want to stress her out. Besides, moving out didn’t take long. And even if it did, we all had the time.

I helped him, too. My dad showed up at around noon, and we let him borrow our trolley; when I was done, I helped him load the last of his boxes into his car. Despite the sweat showing up through both of our shirts, there was something distinctly positive in the air.

As we decided in the end, we’d all be living off-campus that next year. Tegan, Murray, and I decided to get an apartment and lease it for the whole year, and the complex was only a little while away from campus. Just a few baby steps into adulthood. Nothing too serious yet, anyway. I’d have to get a job that next year, though. Whatever, I had a whole summer to not think about it.

While my dad was down at our cars making sure everything was arranged properly, and while Tegan was still hauling her stuff out with her mom, I dragged the trolley behind me as me and Murray prepared to load the last of his cargo into his car. I checked myself for pit stains, deciding that I didn’t smell horrible, and so I knew I’d be prepared just in case he wanted a hug or two.

But it didn’t work like that. He unlocked the door and let me in first, and as I loaded the last few boxes onto the cart, he was quiet. When I stood up straight to get a last look at him, his hands were jammed into his pockets, his cheeks a light pink.

With a weak smile, he stuck one of his hands out for a handshake, and I took it, not sure what he was going for. “I’m really glad we roomed together again this year, man. I’m looking forward to living with you again next year.”

“Yeah, me too,” I smiled back, the scratch under my left eye stinging a bit from the sweat in it. “It’s gonna be awesome.”

“You’re the coolest guy I know, even if you are the quietest superhero in the history of forever,” Murray poked, lightly punching my arm.

My nose turned red, so out of instinct I went to scratch it, laughing a little. “I’m just glad we never spent our time on opposite sides of the room without saying a word to each other.”

And he laughed to fill the awkward sort of silence that fell upon us, but it didn’t last very long before he pulled me forward in the biggest, warmest hug he’d ever given me. I’m not sure what made it different from all the other ones. All I knew was that my chin somehow fit perfectly between his neck and shoulder, and he sighed and hummed a little tune while rocking back and forth a little bit.

I could feel his heartbeat through his chest; he was so close. The dorm was dead silent except for that sound in my ears and heart, and when I listened just a little closer, I heard something going on in my stomach – unmistakable butterflies.

It was nothing, I assumed. Just normal friendship feelings. Totally normal.

I was just really happy that he was there, glad he didn’t mind my sweat-stained shirt and decided to keep me in a hug anyway. He held on for a long time, his arms over mine, sighing a few more times before patting my back and letting go.

But he still grasped me by the shoulders, keeping me at arm’s length. “Call me anytime, okay? Message me on Facenook or Mumblr, too. We have to hang out this summer. I’m free whenever you’re free, and if I’m not free, then I’ll make myself free.”

I didn’t know why my hands were shaking and sweating so much, so I just shoved them into my pockets and laughed nervously, nodding along. Goodbyes were always horrible and I didn’t have the slightest clue why this one was shaping up to hurt so much.

There was a telltale smirk playing out on his reddened face as his arms fell to his sides.

“You know…” he started, hesitating. “Well – okay.” He licked his lips and just shook his head. “Fuck it, I’ll ask anyway. Would you mind if I kissed you right now?”

I literally choked on my own spit, sputtering and coughing on an answer that wouldn’t sound absolutely dumbstruck, utterly certain that I was having a heart attack. The butterflies had transformed into hummingbirds playing soccer – even though my black eye had swollen my right eye pretty badly, both of them had shot wide open. “Wh-what? Why? Why would you wanna do that?”

It was Murray’s turn to freak out, holding both hands up like he had accidental jazzhands. “Shit shit shit, I’m sorry, forget I asked, god damn it, I just fucked up…” He covered his mouth, his whole face bathed in red just like mine.

And I kicked myself for saying stupid things at stupid times, because when my heartbeat stopped pounding like I was dying and I could pull my sweaty hands away from my cheeks, I couldn’t resist smiling. Murray was wincing as if he were in physical pain, receding into himself.

“God, that was the worst thing I could’ve said,” he choked out, staring at the floor. “I’m so sorry, Oshie. I overstepped a boundary again.”

I did not have a crush on Murray.

That’s what I kept repeating to myself whenever I found myself blushing in his presence or stammering over responses to some of the things he would say. All that time I spent denying it had come back to bite me, and it was my turn to bite it back.

I was so happy, in fact, that I had no problem admitting it.

I had a crush on Murray.

I had a crush on my own damn roommate!

It was easy to smile at him, even if he wasn’t looking at me, although he perked up when I said, “Hey, um…” I paused, trying to tone down my dumb grin. “I mean…I wouldn’t mind. Kissing you, I mean. On the mouth.”

His eyebrow shot up like a comet. “Really now?” he laughed, his voice shaking. “You wouldn’t care if I just walked over and smooched you right on the lips?”

“Well – I mean – um, I haven’t…I’ve never been kissed before,” I admitted, “so I’m not good at it, but, uh…”

Murray stepped forward, his body close to mine again, and I felt the heat radiating from his skin. Lowering his voice, his face bloomed into a smile. “You haven’t? That’s weird.”

Once again I was tongue-tied, tripping over words. “I don’t…really know how to, um…do it.” (As sad as it is, I was telling the truth. The most I knew about kissing was the filthy stuff I saw in movies, and I knew that wasn’t the real stuff.)

“Oh my God.” He stifled a laugh and grabbed my hands. “I didn’t think you could get any cuter, and yet here we are. First, you put your hands here and here.” He plonked them on either side of his hips, parts of his body that I had never touched, and Jesus, it showed on my face. “Then I’m gonna put my hands up here,” he said as he touched one side of my face, “and here,” he spoke as he placed the other one on the opposite side.

We stayed in that position for a few seconds, just kinda staring at each other, and on a whim I just said, “Whew, this isn’t something I ever thought I’d get to do.”

He snickered to himself, whispering, “Well, I’ve wanted to do this for about a year now, so…”

I can’t really explain how weird and awesome it was, kissing Murray. His lips were soft, exactly the way they looked, and his skin smelled like nice laundry detergent; he ran his thumbs back and forth over my scratches, careful not to hurt them, and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I held my lips against his, a little clumsy since mine were bigger.

And the hummingbirds were doing windmills and two-steps in the mosh pit that was my stomach, and there was no doubt that he could feel the blood rush to my face. My eyes were closed just because I figured it was the normal thing to do, but I wanted to look at him again. His eyelashes were brushing against the bridge of my nose, and I’m not sure why, but every inch of me felt tickly.

He pulled away for a second, but then he went back in and kissed me again for just one more moment. I felt reds and pinks explode in my heart all at once; I even had to fight to keep sparks from flying out of my fingers.

When I opened my eyes again, he was smiling and so was I.

“That was really nice,” I coughed, not sure how else to put it.

“Yeah, it was,” he shrugged, green eyes bright and sunny again. “We should do it again sometime.”

“Okay.” Crap, I said that too quickly. “I mean, uh…yeah, that’d be cool.”

Murray giggled like a schoolgirl, a hand on his cheek. “Well, we’ve got all summer, dude. And all next year, too.”

“That’s a lot of kisses,” I said aimlessly to myself.

He laughed out loud again, patting my arm, and then he sighed. “Man, I already didn’t wanna leave, but now I don’t wanna go even more.”

“C’mon, you can visit me literally anytime,” I reassured him. “And I’m sure I can come out to see you, too. Aurora’s not that far away.”

“That’s true. But you have to tell me if you’re Put’emup, Put’emup’s merch guy again, you hear me? If they just decide to pull a tour out of their asses again and have you with them, I wanna hear about it,” he smiled, pointing at me.

“Nah, if they were doing anything, they would’ve told us by now,” I shrugged. “I’ll be back at Subhero for the summer, I guess.”

Murray stroked his chin in thought. “Hmm, I know where I’m going for a sandwich, then,” he winked.

“I’ll make it extra special, just for you,” I smiled. “Seriously, you can visit anytime, dude.”

He was quiet for a long time, just staring at me, and I did the same. With a big grin on his calm face, he finally said quietly, “You wanna walk down to my car with me?”

I didn’t want to, but I guess I eventually had to, even if I just wanted to stay in our dorm and cuddle up in one of our beds until the end of time. I nodded, grabbing the trolley railing, and he led the way, opening the door.

Down the hall, Tegan was standing outside of her door staring at her phone, probably waiting for her mom. When she saw us come out of our room, she gave us a friendly little smile, and then Murray shot off running towards her.

She flinched when he leaned over to whisper in her ear for just a few seconds, leaving me to lug the rest of his luggage over, but when he finished whatever he was saying, Tegan’s eyes popped right open and she shouted, “What?!”

“I did it!” he hooted, jumping for joy. “I smooched the elusive Oshie!”

“You are the biggest fucking dork, I swear to God,” Tegan grumbled, shaking her head while still snickering a bit. “You’re perfect for each other.”

And I was laughing along with them, my face still bright red from everything that had to happen on my last day as a college sophomore. Murray was grinning right at me, and after he hugged Tegan goodbye, we walked out of the building together.

He strolled a little closer to me than usual, and I briefly held his hand, squeezing it before we had to open the door and make our way over to the parking lot where my dad was.

We were quiet, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. The best kind of silence is the kind that you don’t have to fill with meaningless small talk, and that was the exact kind that sat between us in that moment. After I got a taste of what I didn’t realize I wanted, I didn’t want to say goodbye for even one minute. I wanted to hold his hand forever.

We got to his car, which was parked a few spots away from mine, and I helped him load it all into the trunk, easing it shut as he twirled his keys around his finger. With one hand in his pocket, he glanced at the ground, kicked a rock, and then he sighed.

“Well, I guess we can’t keep putting it off,” he mumbled.

Out of some crazy instinct, I was the one to lean over and kiss him that time. I can tell he didn’t see it coming, since he stumbled backwards, but judging from the way he wound his arms around me tightly, he appreciated it as much as I wanted to do it.

The hummingbirds hadn’t calmed down yet, and I was okay with that. Not everything had to make sense.

As much as I would’ve liked to continue having my lips on his face, though, I had to let him go. With a small smile on his cherry face, he opened the front door and folded up his tall frame so that he could comfortably drive, turning on the engine to let the warm air out. He rolled down the window and hung his arm out.

I bent down so I could see eye-to-eye with the kid who was the reason why I was still sane and on Earth, the person I just had my first kiss with, the unlikely friend I made in an unwelcome place. I didn’t want to see him drive away, even if he was going to visit. It still hurt, no matter how I sliced it.

“I can’t wait to see you again,” I just murmured, my hands on the windowsill.

He turned to face me straight-on. “After finally kissing you, I don’t think I can go for more than a few days without visiting you, Osh. You’re an hour away. That’s worth the gas money, that’s for sure.”

I forced a laugh, while in reality I could hardly bear to watch him get ready to drive away.

“Shit, I’ll get a job halfway to your house! Then I’ll have an excuse to see you,” he winked, clever as always.

“Good,” I finally whispered.

“And we can kiss and stuff, if you’re up for it,” he shrugged, going a little shy for a moment. “I mean, if you’re cool with that.”

“Hell yeah, Murray,” I grinned. “I’m always cool with it.”

So we just smiled at each other for a long time like we were straight out of a gay movie, and just when I thought it couldn’t get any cornier, he poked his head out the window and slowly pressed his lips to mine, keeping them there for a while. He’d do little smooches and I’d do my best to mimic him even though I was nowhere near the blush-inducing pro he was, but after a while he had to pull away.

With his hand on my jawline, he kept on smiling like he never wanted to leave. “I’m gonna miss not seeing you every day, Oshie.”

“Me too,” I said. “I’m gonna miss not seeing you, I mean.”

He snickered quietly and sighed, reeling his hand back in. “I’ll see you around, buddy. I’m glad my nightmares about finally kissing you didn’t come true today and you didn’t punch my lights out.”

“I would never do that,” I said lowly. “I’ve, uh…I’m always kind of a wreck when you do those things to me. Even when it was just on the cheek.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” he said, a crooked smirk on his mug. “It’s fucking adorable.”

“And I’m up for kissing whenever you wanna. Um. Wow, that sounded weird, but…yeah.” I stood up straight and rubbed the back of my neck. My hands were shaky, but they were nowhere near the trembles I had just a few days ago waiting for everything to happen. “I guess I’ll see you around, then.”

“I swear to God, if you call me and tell me you wanna hang out, I’ll drive across the world for you. I promise. I’m not kidding.” He said it so seriously, eyebrows raised for emphasis. “I’ll talk to you tonight on Facenook and see when you’re open, okay? I’ll see you in a few days, at most.”

I just nodded. Saying anything else would hurt, and I didn’t want any pain on my parade.

With one more smooch and a, “See you later, Oshie,” Murray was backing out of his parking spot and on his way back to Aurora, where his mom and brothers would inevitably be waiting for his return.

And meanwhile, my dad was waiting for me in his truck, and Tegan was still loading the last of her stuff into her mom’s car. I nodded at her and said I’d see her later, and then after making sure my dad was ready to go, I set off for home. My real home this time.

I already hated goodbyes, but somehow they were always worse when you knew that nobody wanted to say the word. It never really felt permanent whenever I had to go through it, though. It was always a “see you later,” since I learned that nothing was truly set in stone.

I thought the anxiety that set in with my nightmares would last forever, yet it went away, along with the unsettling things I’d seen in my dreamlands. Everything was settling down, everything aside from the hummingbirds that never seemed to die after that first kiss with Murray, and I’ll be the first to say that they only got stronger over time.

It was all working out the exact way I feared it wouldn’t. Frankly, I couldn’t wait to see what other good surprises were in store for me.