Earth to Me

It didn’t stop there.

No, all of us were perfectly content to move past the whole “Keep Around” incident, the invasive fans who looked way too much into the band’s personal lives, and go on with our spring 2013 semester of college.

And it was going well so far. Me and Murray didn’t skip a beat and it was like we hadn’t even taken a break from living with each other; he asked me about my Christmas and then he gushed about how he spent so much time with his family. I just smiled and said all my family lived in Mexico and so I didn’t get to do that very often. (He didn’t have to know about my mom, at least not yet. The Put’emup, Put’emup guys didn’t even find out until one day during the second half our senior year – they invited us out on my mom’s birthday and I said I couldn’t go; me and Dad were putting flowers on her grave that day.)

We’d go out for dinner every night, me, Tegan, and Murray, since none of us had any night classes. It was awesome. Since I knew the campus this time around, I didn’t look like such a freshman on the first day, holding up a map to see where I was going.

It just felt better. Of course, I was looking forward to summer just like anybody else would, but things weren’t so nerve-wracking anymore. I had a few weird dreams about missing final exams, but nothing too unreal like that oddball one I had a few months back.

There was one more fly in the ointment, though, and it happened one normal night in the first month of the semester.

I was minding my own business, watching music videos in a hoodie and baggy pajama pants because it was freezing in our dorm even with the heat all the way up, and then my phone just started going off. Jerking out of my daze, I flopped over to my nightstand to check it out, and then I looked at the caller ID – Andy.

I furrowed my brow and answered. “Hello?”

“Yeah, hey Oshie,” he breathed. Traffic was in the background and he sounded like he hadn’t slept in days.

“Hey An -” I started, then I glanced at Murray, absorbed in a book. Mentioning Andy by name might not have been a good idea. “Hey dude. What’s happening?”

He didn’t say a word; he just sighed. Then, he mumbled, “Can I talk to you? Like, right now? I’m at your school. I just…really need to talk to you.”

“W-wait, you’re here? At UChicago? What?” Out of instinct I jumped off my bed, earning a funny look from Murray. “Why?”

“I dunno, I just figured you’d be the best person to listen right now.” The sadness in his voice was practically tangible.

I blushed and fumbled some more. “What’d you wanna talk about?”

“I’ll…I’ll tell you when I see you, okay? Meet me in the courtyard by your dorm. Hitchcock, right?”

“Yeah, uh,” I coughed, choking on my spit. “I’ll, uh, see you there.”

“Thanks, Osh. I’ll see you in a few minutes,” he said, a forced smile in his words.

He hung up. I just stared at my phone for a few seconds.

I jammed on some slip-on shoes and grabbed my keys, telling Murray I’d be right back, and thankfully he didn’t ask any questions. On the way down to the courtyard I texted Tegan and told her, “andys here n wants to talk to me, idk why tho.” Seconds later, she responded, “OOOOOOOO boy.”

Sure enough, when I got to the courtyard with dew moistening the legs of my pants, Andy stood there in a t-shirt and jeans, his arms crossed over his chest. He was looking at the ground, his lips moving but no words coming out, and when I said, “Hey,” he jerked his head up and immediately started to walk over.

I didn’t even get any other words in before he squeezed me in one of his usual hugs. “Thanks for picking up, dude. I’d call Tegan but I don’t think she’d wanna listen to my problems. Not that I think you want to, but you’re at least used to me doing that,” he laughed, shrugging slightly.

“No problem, Andy,” I assured him, cramming my hands in my hoodie pockets. My teeth were starting to chatter; it was so frigid. “What’s wrong?”

His chipper face fell immediately. Running his hands all over his eyes and hair, mussing it even more, he groaned for a long time before muttering, “Let’s find somewhere to sit.”

Even when we found a bench, it still took him a few more minutes to prepare himself. I twiddled my thumbs from within my Violence Ladies hoodie, waiting for any sign of interaction, but I didn’t rush him – that was the last thing he ever needed.

“Alright, I’ll start talking,” he sighed loudly. “I guess if I told you I needed to talk to you, I should probably do that.”

“Take your time,” I smirked.

He stared off at the lights of my dorm for a moment, and then he looked back at me. “…Okay. So, I know you’ve seen that video going around. The Melbourne one. The one where I’m singin’ ‘Keep Around’ and Anthony walks over and…you know what happens.”

I nodded, and at the same time I thought, Oh, God.

“Well…alright. The thing is, we said something to each other that…well, uh…okay, you know what?” He slapped his hands down on his knees and gritted his teeth. “Fuck it, I’m horrible at explaining this. The point is, I like guys and now we’re making out when no one’s watching.”

Suddenly, the frosty air went still.

A horn honked in the distance.

I’m sure my jaw was on the floor, but because of his words and the chill in the night, I couldn’t formulate any words.

He was bright red and his whole face was scrunched up from being flustered, though when he saw my look of surprise, his demeanor changed. “Osh? Wait, okay, maybe I shouldn’t have explained it like that, uh -”

“No, no, I’m not like – it’s not, like – it’s not weird, or anything,” I insisted, holding up my hands. “I mean, I wasn’t expecting it, but it’s not like, weird. I mean.”

“Alright, good,” Andy laughed airily. He rubbed his hands together, maybe for warmth. He smirked and then asked, “So, does that mean I have your blessing?”

“What does that mean?”

“You won’t disown me ‘cause I’m not straight?” His blue eyes were shining a little too dimly.

“Of course not!” I said, a bit quicker than I intended. “I mean, of course not. I don’t care about that kinda stuff.”

He smiled in relief again. “I figured. I’m just glad the second person I’ve come out to so far has been cool with.”

Before I could put a filter on that incredibly dumb question, I asked, “Who was the first person?” without realizing exactly what he brought me here for.

“Anthony,” he said quietly, a faint smile still on his disheveled face. “We…well, I won’t tell you how it happened unless you want me to.” He stopped. “But I really wanna tell someone.”

“You can tell me,” I said. My hands were warm and there was something in the air just then that made me even warmer.

He was staring at me as if he were reliving the best day of his life, all the happiness flushed back into his system. “It all happened on stage, actually. That part of the song where Anthony came on and we, like, talked. That’s when it came out.”

I mirrored him on the bench, one leg crossed under the other so I could face him properly. “Aww.”

“Then when we hugged at the end, he said hey, and I was like, ‘Huh?’ and then he got real close to my face and said he loved me,” he sighed dreamily, even cupping his chin in his hands. “And I said, ‘I love you too!’, ‘cause I always kinda did, you know? Like, I did all the time. I didn’t realize how serious it was until a few months ago, but I always did. Even last year when we always fought.” Andy paused for a moment before picking back up again. “And then he gave me a funny look and said, ‘Wait, for real?’ and I said yeah and he told me we needed to talk on the bus after the show. So we did, and, well…yeah.”

To be honest, I couldn’t wipe the stupid grin off my face, and I wasn’t even sure why at the time. His happiness was just contagious, and the fact that I was listening to someone retell such a monumental story was incredible. “That’s awesome!”

“I know, right?” he gushed. He moaned some more. “I’m still trying to figure out how it happened. God.”

“And you haven’t told anyone else yet?” I asked, mindlessly fiddling around with my hair.

He snapped his head to the side and kind of grunted, “Well, no. That’s…we’ll get to that eventually, telling everyone, but…I wanna talk to you about something else. Well, something that has to do with this, but, I mean, it’s something else.”

“What’s on your mind?”

“The point is, I’m kinda scared. Like, about this. Not about that whole thing where you hear about bands getting broken up and stuff because two members decide to date, but I guess that could happen too.” He folded his hands together and looked down. “Um. Er, well, I’ve never…been in a relationship. Anthony has, but I haven’t.”

“I’ve never been in one either,” I tried to reassure him.

“Yeah, well, you’re also seven years younger than me,” he laughed. “I’m twenty-five and I’m still a fuckin’ virgin – laugh your ass off, I don’t care – and he’s had two long-term boyfriends and a girlfriend.”

“So?” (And to tell you the truth, the fact that he was a virgin kind of threw me off too. I knew he wasn’t the best at…not being loud, but I mean, he was alright-looking, I guess.)

“So, I know I’m probably gonna be shit compared to them,” he said lowly.

“How do you know?”

With a heavy sigh, he replied, “Because I just know. I don’t know the first thing about this kinda stuff. I’m gonna fuck up, he’s gonna get mad, and then I don’t wanna think about what’s gonna happen after that.”

I waited a few seconds. Then I asked, “How do you think you’re gonna mess up?”

“It’s not like I’m gonna cheat or anything. Fuck, I’d rather die than do that. I just…he already thinks I’m super annoying and it beats the shit outta me why he even likes me. And I don’t know anything about PDA or anything like that, I suck at kissing, and God knows I don’t know what to do with anybody else’s dick.” He said that last line with a little laugh.

“That shouldn’t matter,” I said. Truth be told, I had no idea why he came to me with this sort of stuff if he knew I didn’t have any experience in it, either. I was on autopilot.

“But I’m not gonna be enough.”

“You were always enough for him as a friend. I mean, you were enough to the point where you guys, uh, fell in love. So that counts, I think.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he said quietly, twiddling his thumbs just like me. “I…I dunno. I wanna be his boyfriend, I wanna go out with him, but…I’m just stupid and scared, I guess.”

I tilted my head and looked him in the eye again. “Well, if you’re both totally willing, you should at least try.”

“But if we do, we’ll have to tell the others at some point. And we don’t know how they’d react.” He’d shrunken back into himself, his mood turning on a dime again.

I stuttered a bit when I tried to talk again after just nodding silently. “Well, uh, I mean…you could tell them whenever you’re ready. That’s not a real big deal. It’s worth a shot. If it works out, then that’s awesome.”

“It’s a big risk but I think we can at least try, yeah,” he smiled, his voice just above a whisper.

I’d only ever seen Andy completely broken once, and it was the night he discovered his elemental power of air. Funny enough, Anthony was also the cause back then, too – that time, though, it was from a giant fight they’d gotten into, which was common in general and even more common in the months leading to our fate.

This time, it somehow seemed more pertinent. It seemed like there were a whole lot of things that just weren’t lining up right, and it was breaking him down even further. It was just flat-out weird to see him so down, especially since he’d been so happy mere minutes beforehand. He was human; it happened. Even the brightest people dulled down sometimes.

“You might wanna go a little easier on each other, though,” I told him. “If you guys argue, I mean. Not like…uh, yeah.”

He looked me in the eye and laughed a bit. “Yeah, we know. We’ll still bitch at each other, we’ve always done that. We’ll try to tone the rest down, though.”

“Good,” I said, just because I had nothing else to say. I tried to smile in a way that let him know he was gonna be okay.

He reached over and patted my shoulder as he said, “Hey, thanks, Oshie. I’m glad I could talk it out with you tonight. I’m just sorry I had to drag you out in the cold, but I didn’t wanna feel like I was trespassing in your dorm or anything.”

“No, you’re fine. I dunno why you wanted to come to me of all people, but I’m cool with it,” I told him, pulling my sleeves over my fingers to keep them warm. “I have literally no experience with this stuff.”

Andy cocked his head and snickered. “You’re a good listener. I always like talkin’ to you – you’re like the little brother I never got to have, man. It’s like we’re connected or something, probably ‘cause you’re like a smarter version of me when I was your age.”

I don’t know why, but that made me go beet-red in an instant, so I tried to hide my face. And I was so close to blurting out, “Hey, I admire you to hell and back and I just think you’re a rad person in general, so it means a lot that you like talking to me,” but I held my tongue and chalked it all up to my horrible ineptitude. Basically, I just nodded and said, “Yeah, same here,” for whatever reason.

He kept on smiling at me for what felt like a long time, and then he said, “Welp,” and stood up. “I might as well let you sleep. It’s almost ten-thirty, for Christ’s sake.”

I didn’t have my watch or phone on me, so I didn’t even realize how much time we spent. “It is? Huh.”

When we were both up, he held his arms open for a hug this time instead of just initiating it all on his own, but when I took the bait and went in, he held me tight just as usual.

Even though it was getting windy and I was shivering in my pajamas, he was warm. Even behind all the sadness in his voice, there was a light burning in his heart, a candle that had probably been burning since high school. And of course, the person who lit that fire was Anthony, the man who had fire at his fingertips.

He was happy, and I was happy. It was a good night, even if the wind had turned my nose raw and red; my room was warm when compared to the harsh world outside, and everyone around me had me in such a comfortable position that I almost forgot what it meant to be agitated.