Write Myself Out Of The History Books

July 2008:

Alex:

I can’t believe she’s here. She’s standing right in front of me. What do I say? Do I run?
“Hey,” I said in a quiet voice and she turned around. There were so many emotions in her face. It was hard to tell what she was feeling. Maria just stood there for a minute, just staring at me. What do I say? So I say anything else? Do I walk away?
“You’re blonde.” Maria said, and her voice was softer then mine.
“Uh, yeah,” I said and I saw her cringe. “I think I’m going to dye it back to brown though, you know, I’ve been blonde for a while.”
“Uh, no I didn’t know.” She said, looking down at the ground and now it was my turn to cringe.
“Oh, yeah, sorry,” I said and looked away.
We were both silent for a minute, both not knowing what to do.
“You’re hair’s different too.” I said, noticing how her hair was only a little passed her shoulders. It always used to be long.
“Yeah, I, uh, got tired of it being so long.” Maria said and looked me in the eyes for the first time. “Why are we even doing this?”
“Doing what?” I asked, taken aback.
“Trying to make conversation…we both know that we’re never going to go back to the way that we were before. Things like that don’t happen.” She said, and I knew she was right.
I knew that we could never be friends like we were again. There would always be that thought in the back of our minds about what happened all those years ago.
“You’re right.” I sighed and put my hands in my pockets. “Why even bother right?”
“Yeah, let’s just try to not make it uncomfortable for everybody else, okay?”
“Sure.” I said and tried to smile, but I just couldn’t.
“Hey, Maria! Let’s go!” Rian said as he came running back. He didn’t notice me standing there right away and when he did, he stared a little.
“Yeah,” She said and smiled at him.
“We’re gonna go hang out for a while.” Rian told me and I knew, from the tone in his voice, that I wasn’t allowed to come.
“Okay, I’ll see you guys later.” I said.
They walked off and were quickly joined by Zack and Jack. Jack slung his arm around her shoulders and she kissed him on the cheek.

“Alex, man, do you want a beer?” Zack asked me and I immediately stopped staring at Travis and Maria, who were cuddled up together near the fire.
“Yeah, thanks dude.” I said and Zack handed me a beer.
“Stop staring at her. You had your chance a long time ago, but you fucked that up.” He said simply and walked away. His statement hit me like a ton of bricks. He was right. I did have my chance.
But I didn’t listen to him, and I went back to staring at them. She was laughing now; Travis had said something funny I guessed. I had missed her laugh.
Why did I have to pick that fight with her so many years ago? Why couldn’t I have just minded my own fucking business? Because I care about her too much. I answered my own question. Wait. “Care” as in current tense? That simple feeling made me realize that, even though I’ve been denying it all these years, I’m still in love with Maria Nicole Kennedy and that I’m going to do everything that I can to get her back.