Write Myself Out Of The History Books

July 2008:

Maria:

“Hey, you disappeared last night, I was worried about you.” Travis said the next morning as I stumbled into the front of the bus.
“Sorry, I, uh, just kinda forgot.” I mumbled and poured myself a cup of coffee.
“You okay?” He asked concern in his voice.
“Yeah…” I said, and put my back to him so he couldn’t see my face. Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to tell him. “Um, actually no I’m not.”
“What’s wrong?” Travis asked and stood up.
I took a beep breath and put down my coffee mug. I needed to do this. I couldn’t lie to Travis. I just couldn’t do it.
“Okay,” I said and turned to look at him. There was such concern and love in his blue eyes that I couldn’t look at him. I tried to take another breath but it was raspy and instantly Travis pulled me into a huge hug.
“Aw, babe, shhh…It’s okay. What’s wrong?” He asked as he rubbed my back. No sound came from me, only silent tears rolled down my face and onto his white shirt.
“I…I, I can’t, I can’t do this anymore… Us anymore…” I said into his shoulder and suddenly Travis became stiff and let go of me.
“What?” He asked, pain and shock etched all over his face.
“I can’t do this anymore.” I said in a whisper and looked down at the floor. The neon green nail polish on my toes hurt my ears and made even more tears fall down my cheeks.
“Bu-but why?” Travis said in a soft voice.
“I-I just feel that I can’t be in a serious relationship with you while I’m still so hung up on someone else…” I said, my voice was becoming increasingly higher with every word I said.
“Alex.” He said. It was a statement not a question.
“Yeah,” I said softly and my voice cracked. “It’s just, it-it happened so quickly and seeing him again, I-I just knew…then when he kissed me…” I said and then winced.
“What!?!?” Travis yelled, backing away from me.
“I’m so sorry Trav! I didn’t know what was going on, but I told him to stop! I did! I didn’t kiss him on purpose!” I said quickly, trying to defend myself. I stepped closer to him, but he backed further away.
“You’re leaving me for him!!” Travis yelled. “After all the shit that he has put you through, you’re leaving me, the person who put you back together, and going back to Alex, the person who destroyed you in the first place! And now all of a sudden when he walks back into the picture you go running back to him! What the fuck Maria! You know what; maybe you two deserve each other. Alex is a man whore and apparently one guy at a time isn’t good enough for you! So go and fuck each other already! And I bet that, that guy Colby that you told me about, never actually did anything to you! You’re probably needed some attention and you ask for it! I never want to see you again!” He yelled and tears were running faster down my face now.
“Travis, don’t say things you don’t mean…” I cried.
“I mean every word! Get your shit and get the fuck out of my bus!” He yelled and pointed at the door.
The tears were blinding my eyes so I stumbled back to the bunks and I hurriedly shoved all my stuff back into my bags. Travis just stood there and watched me with hatred in his eyes.
“Get the fuck out.” He said in a soft but terribly mean voice and I ran out of the bus, tears still streaming down my face.

I knew people were looking at me as I stumbled along, and I knew that I must have looked horrible, I was still in my pajamas, my hair was all messed up, and my mascara was all smudged and running down my cheeks. I needed to find Jack or Zack or Rian, or somebody who loved me. I kept running along looking aimlessly for someone, anyone.
“Maria!?!” I heard someone yell and I turned to see Hunter and Drew running towards me with concern written all over their faces. “What’s wrong?”
When they saw my face they stopped dead for a second then ran over to me as fast as they could. “What happened!? What’s wrong? Maria!” Drew said and wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed into his chest. “Shhhhhh…” Drew said and rubbed my back.
“Come on; let’s go back to the bus.” Hunter said and laid a soft hand on my back.
“NO!” I yelled and I must have caught him off guard because his eyes widened and Drew let me go. “I cannot and will not go back to that bus! Never! I never want to see him again!” I cried and more people were looking now.
“Shhh… Okay, okay!” Drew said looking alarmed. “Let’s go find Jack.”
I let Drew basically carry me to All Time Low’s bus as Hunter grabbed my bags. My mind started to go in and out of focus… sounds fading in and out. I feel like I’m losing it. The sound of a door opening and worried voices filled my ears and I felt a new pair of arms around me. Heavily muscled and strong. Zack.
“What happened?” I heard a familiar voice ask and I recognized Rian immediately.
“We don’t know. We were just walking back to the bus when we saw her kind-of running and crying. It was scary.” Drew said.
“Then when we asked her if she wanted to come back to our bus, she freaked out and said that she never wanted to see him again.” Hunter said and sighed.
Zack was now rocking me back and forth as I sat curled up on his lap. I sobbed harder and his strong arms tightened more around me. I buried my face deeper into the soft fabric of his shirt, trying to hide from their eyes because I knew they were all on me.
“From who? Travis?” A new voice asked, I had heard it before.
“But why?” Rian asked.
“Someone needs to call Jack.” Drew said and I heard the song of a numbers being pushed on a keypad.
“Hey guys, do you think you could leave us alone for a little bit?” Zack asked. “I think it would be better if only one of us was here.” They all mumbled yeses and soon I heard the sound of the bus door closing.
I felt Zack move a little and his hand was under my chin forcing me to look up at him and into his blue/grey eyes.
“What happened?” He asked in a soft voice.
I shut my eyes and refused to look at him. “TravisandIgotinafight.” I mumbled into his chest and I heard a sigh from him. He stayed silent for a minute, waiting for me to continue. “AlexandIkissed.” I mumbled again and I felt Zack tense under me.
“What? When?” He asked.
“Lastnightafterthebonfire. Iwentlookingforhimandwekissed. Ididn’tmeanto.” I said softly and no matter how tightly I squeezed my eyes shut the tears still found their way out and down my cheeks.
“And you told Travis.”
“Yeahandhegotreallymad.” I said. I pictured Travis’s face. I never knew he could be that mean. The words he said came rushing back and I gasped for air during a new wave of sobs.
Zack waited patiently for my sobs to die down to simple tears before continuing, “What did he say to you, Maria? Do I need to beat the living shit out of him?”
Despite my despair a small smile formed on my lips for a millisecond. Good old Zack.
“If you want to…” I said then I sighed. “He told me…he, he…” silent tears came streaming down my cheeks and onto his shirt. “He called me a whore and said that he hated me and that I deserved all the things that Colby di-did to me…”
Once again I felt Zack tense up under me. “What exactly did Colby do to you?”
That was too much, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
“Idon’twanttotalkaboutit.” I mumbled into his chest again.
“Okayyyy…so, what’s going on with you and Alex?” He asked. I sighed and silently thanked Zack for not pushing the Colby subject further, he knew me well.
“I don’t know…all those things he did…I just don’t know if I can get over them…but seeing him. God, I’m so confused Zack.” I said and once again sobs broke free from my chapped lips.
“We’ll figure it out, everything will be okay.”
Zack rested his chin on the top of my head and started to rock me back and forth, like a parent would do for a young child. We both stayed there with no sounds except for the occasional sob from me or the sound of me blowing my nose on a tissue.
I couldn’t tell if it had been seconds, minutes, or hours since the guys had left when I heard the bus door open once again. I felt Zack lift his chin off my head. Not wanting to see who it was, I kept my eyes closed.
“Hey,” Alex’s voice was soft and full of concern. “I’ll stay with her.”
“I dunno, man…” Zack said, he sounded unsure.
“Please, I need to be with her.” Alex pleaded and Zack sighed.
“I’ll be back in 15 minutes.” He said gruffly and gently sat me on the couch where he had once been sitting.
I was still refusing to open my eyes. The bus door closed and there was silence. There was the sound of soft footsteps and I felt Alex sitting down next to me. Soon an arm was around my shoulder and I buried my face in his neck.
“I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.” He said, and he sounded choked-up. “I’m going to make it all better. I swear to you, Maria.”
Even after all the pain he had put me through, I believe him. Alex was going to make it all better. And in time maybe I could be me again.