Volver a Tus Brazos

It was after midnight when Harry snuck out of the ballroom. He’d spent the last hour trying to do, but unfortunately for him, everyone was keen to have themselves a chat with the best man. There were some that wanted to know if he was pleased with how the wedding ceremony had gone, others wanted his thoughts on his new sister, and still there were those that were trying to press him for details from the stag night. He was annoyed at all of them. Didn’t they understand that after an entire day parading in front of the world, he just wanted a couple minutes to himself? He only wanted to make his way onto the gardens of Buckingham Palace to have himself a smoke, but it was as if they’d all conspired against him, it was as if the guests had agreed to bombard him with pointless questions. Of course he was pleased with the ceremony, and he fucking loved having Kate as his sister, and what happened at the stag night obviously wasn’t the sort of thing that he was going to discuss about with people that hadn’t bloody been there. Those were the things he wanted to tell people when they asked him, but he couldn’t be rude, not at Will’s wedding.

He couldn’t do that to his brother and sister-in-law, so he bore it as best he could. He humored their relatives, charmed the public officials that had been fortunate enough to be invited to the dance portion of the celebrations, and laughed with Will and Kate’s friends. He endeavored to do right by the newlyweds, and then, when the opportunity finally presented itself, he discreetly snuck out through a service door the staff was using. It took him into a long, narrow corridor that ultimately led to the kitchen. He had hoped to go unseen by the staff, that way no one would pester him about whether or not he wanted something, but unfortunately for him, the kitchen was overflowing with staff, and the moment they saw him, the room went silent. It wasn’t their place to initiate conversation with the Prince, and it wasn’t like they wanted to. If anyone was to speak to him, it was the Head Chef, but even he was at a loss as to why the prince was in the kitchen.

Not in the mood to talk to anyone, Harry simply crossed the kitchen. He intended to walk right out, but when he was making his way past a row of tables, he spotted a young man opening champagne bottles, and since it was right there, he decided it’d be best to take one with him. After all, a smoke out to be accompanied by a drink. At least that was the reasoning he used when he reached out for the bottle, and it wasn’t like he had to get back to the ballroom right away, he could take his time smoking and drinking.

And he was confident in that, although he shouldn’t have been, because a few minutes after he snuck out of the ballroom, Prince Charles began to look for him. There was a young woman he wanted to introduce to Harry. She was a terribly charming girl with a beautiful smile and figure, and Charles believe his son might get on with her. He wasn’t naïve enough to believe his son would fall in love with the leggy blonde, but he hoped that Harry would at least have a bit of fun with her. He wanted his son to enjoy his youth, to forget the heartache that plagued him day and night, and so he looked for him, and when he grew tired of doing so, he charged Alistair with fetching him.

The task was simple enough for Alistair. He had seen Harry slip through the service door, and as such, he discreetly made his way to it He walked along the narrow corridor in silence, wracking his mind as to where Harry might be and what he might be up to. He felt that Harry was either napping or having himself a smoke, there was also a part of him that hoped he might’ve snuck out to meet up with a young lady, but Alistair knew that was wishful thinking. So he made his way through the corridor, and when he entered the kitchen, he asked the Head Chef if he had seen Harry. The Chef answered that he had, that the young man had shown up unannounced and taken a bottle of champagne with him before disappearing out the back door. That was enough for Alistair to know that Harry had gone off to his favorite smoking spot. It was a little clearing in the gardens that was surrounded by trees. There was a bench there that while not being the most comfortable, was sturdy. And sure enough, when Alistair walked into the clearing, he found Harry sitting there.

His face no longer wore the smile that the world had seen throughout the ceremony and subsequent processions and celebrations. There was now a slight grimace, accompanied by a furrowed brow. He was exhausted. He’d known all along that the wedding was going to be difficult, but he’d never realized just how exhausting it was going to be to watch his brother get married. It wasn’t that Harry wasn’t pleased for Wills and Kate. He was, truly. But he was also jealous of their happiness, because there they were, standing on the altar, promising to love and honor one another for the rest of their lives. They were finally husband and wife. They were on their way to their happily ever after. They had everything that Harry wanted to have with Paulina, and it broke his heart to see them getting married, because it reminded him of everything he’d lost. Had things turned out differently, he would’ve married Paulina and raised Thea with her. Had life been fair, she would’ve been in the pews with their daughter, watching him fulfill his duties as a best man.

It was those thoughts that plagued him when he was getting ready that morning, it was those thoughts that he dwelled on when he made his way up the long aisle, but he didn’t let his emotions betray him. He kept smiling, because it was his duty to his brother and new sister. He kept smiling because he didn’t want the world knowing how gutted he was, but when he snuck outside and started smoking and drinking, he let down his guard and allowed his misery to pour through. And it was that that Alistair saw when he entered the clearing. It was the sight of the broken bitter man that welcomed him.

“What are ya doing here, Alistair?” asked an annoyed Harry. “You’re meant to be inside, protecting the newlyweds and their guests. Now off with you.”

“Rest assured, there are plenty of protection officers to ensure their safety.”

“Then you should’ve accepted to have the day off. I’d made a point to spare you this madness, but you insisted to be involved.”

“I believed I could be useful, given the scale of things.”

“Then go inside and be useful!” Harry snapped. “Believe me, I’ve no need for company. I’ve had enough at present.”

“Be that as it may, your father has sent for you.”

“What for?”

“He desires for you to be acquainted with a young –”

“Tell him you couldn’t find me,” Harry cut him off.

“Sir, I think it best –“

“I’m not in the mood to have some bird thrown at me!” he snapped. “For fuck’s sake, I’m tired of his meddling. There’s always some bird he wants me to meet, but if he actually wanted to do me any favors, he’d bloody well leave me alone. It’s not like I can’t sort things off for myself. If I feel like a shag, I’ll get someone on my own terms. I don’t need some bird thinking she’s special.”

He lifted the champagne bottle to his lips and took a large gulp. He’d been drinking since the lunchtime reception at Buckingham, then he drank a bit more at the dinner held by his father at Clarence House, and now that they’d returned to Buckingham for the nighttime festivities, he’d hit the drink harder. He wanted to dull his pain and stifle his jealousy.

It broke Alistair’s heart to see Harry like that. Only ten short months ago, Harry had been perfectly happy, but after that terrible night in July, his world fell apart and now he was nothing more than a miserable wretch. He did his best to appear cheerful in front of the camera and others, but Alistair saw him at his worst. He was there on those nights when he drunkenly spilled his heart to him, he heard him mutter in his sleep, and had even seen him wake up with tears in his eyes after particularly distressing dreams. He had seen Harry through all that, and had endeavored to remedy the situation. He had reached out to Paulina, having contacted her on numerous occasions, but the moment she realized it was him calling, she would hang up and block the number, only to have it happen all over again. He had even taken holiday time from work, and instead of going on holiday, he had traveled to Harvard, hoping that maybe if she saw him, she would listen. What a fool he was. The moment she opened her door and saw it was him, she slammed it right on his face and told him to fuck off. She was still angry, she still felt that he’d betrayed her, and she would never be convinced otherwise. She was done with Harry. She wanted nothing to do with him, but still, Harry’s heart was hers.

“While I do understand your apprehension at being acquainted with the young lady, I think it’d be beneficial to you.” Alistair was overstepping his place, but he didn’t care. It didn’t matter if Harry threatened to fire him. He’d never go through with it. “Your father clearly thinks well of her. He wouldn’t waste his time introducing you to just anyone.”

“What part of I’m tired of his meddling, didn’t you understand?” Harry reached into his jacket to pull out another cigarette. “Because I reckon I’ve been quite clear on this. You need to bugger off and tell him that I won’t be treated like a damn child.”

“If I tell him that, then he won’t believe me when I say that I didn’t find you.”

“You’re a fucking pain, you are!” Harry bellowed.

“Be that as it may, I am responsible for you.”

“Well you’ve been doing a shit job at that.” He placed the cigarette between his lips and lit it. A long, slow drag was taken by Harry. He closed his eyes as the poisonous warmth filled his lungs. Only ten months earlier he’d been free from smoking for over a year, but after the breakup, he took up his old habit again. “I’m only messing about, Alistair. You’ve done a better job than I ever had. Not that that’s saying much, but it’s the truth.” With a trembling hand, he once more lifted the cigarette to his lips. It was one of the few comforts he had in life, but at that moment, it was failing him. His emotions were going to get the best of him. After the day he’d had, it was only natural that they did, but he didn’t want to be seen like that. Not even by Alistair. “Go on then. Return to the ballroom. Tell my dad that you did stumble across me, but that I was so off my face that you thought it best to leave me be.”

“With all due respect, I think it best I stay with you.”

“And I think it best you leave.” Harry said, curtly. “What are you bloody waiting for? Go!”

“You’re not fit to be alone.”

“I reckon I am. In fact, I prefer to be.”

“You’re upset.”

“Annoyed, actually.” Harry corrected before taking a swig of champagne. “Because one would think that since you work for me, you would bloody listen, but you never seem to.”

“Then replace me.”

“Far too lazy to do that, I’m afraid.” With his free hand, Harry lazily scratched at the base of his neck. “Can you imagine how tedious it’d be too pick out a replacement?”

“Then promote Kamal or Sanjay, perhaps even Gethin, that’d save you the trouble.” Alistair knew Harry would never agree to do so.

“Do you want to be fired so badly?” questioned Harry, arching his brow as he put out the cigarette on a nearby boulder. He’d had enough.

“Do you truly know what I want, Sir?” Alistair inquired.

“Obviously, I do.” Harry replied. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked.”

“Well then, I want you to accompany me to the ballroom so that your father can introduce you to the young lady. That is what I want.”

“You’re a fool, Alistair.”

“I am many things, Sir. A fool is not one of them.” Alistair said sternly. “Now do stand up, because I’m afraid that we have to do something about your appearance if you are to reenter the ballroom.”

“I already told you I’m not going.”

“You are.” Alistair firmly stated. “Your father ordered so.”

“And since when do I listen to him?” Harry spat. “Tell him to bother Wills. I’m not in the mood.”

“Then drink your champagne and get yourself in the mood.” Alistair demanded. “It is not right for you to be out here on the night of your brother’s wedding. Would you like it if he snuck away in the middle of yours?”

“Considering the fact that I’ll never marry, I don’t reckon I’d mind.”

“That’s not true,” argued Alistair.

“It is,” said Harry. “And it’s alright. I’ve come to terms with it. I’ll be an eternal bachelor, much like George Clooney. In fact, I think I’ll give him a ring so we can start an association amongst likeminded gentleman.”

“That’s not funny.”

“It’s not meant to be.” Harry told him. “It’s the truth, is what it is. I won’t marry, not ever.”

“Of course you will. You only need to put yourself out there. Let your father introduce you to these young ladies, perhaps you’ll find one to –”

“There’s only one woman I’d ever marry, and she can’t stand the sight of me.” His voice faltered towards the end. “Now fuck off, Alistair. You’ve gone far enough.”

“She’s not the only one that could make you happy.” Alistair didn’t even believe that, but it had to be said. For Harry’s sake. “Surely, there is another person out there capable of bringing you joy. You must only allow them the opportunity to do so, because I believe in all my heart, that you will be again, Sir. It’ll get better.”

“We both know it won’t,” said Harry, bitterly. “It’s been nearly sixteen years since you lost your wife and girls, and it still hasn’t gotten better for you. So why should it be any different for me?”

“Don’t talk like that.” Alistair spoke softly out of fear that if he spoke any louder, his emotions would get the better of him. “You will not suffer the same fate as I have.”

“There’s no need to lie to me, Alistair. I know what’s in store for me. Or have you forgotten what you told me that night, when you stormed the bedroom to tell me off for having been a coward? Because I haven’t. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about it.” To steady his nerves, Harry lifted the champagne to his lips and took two large gulps. “You told me that if I let her go, I would spend the rest of my life being miserable, that I would find myself in a palace, dwelling on the past – and you were right. Fucking hell, were you right. I mean, it’s been nearly a year since the accident. Can you believe that? Nearly a year since she left and it still feels like bloody yesterday. Sometimes I wake up thinking I’ve fallen asleep in the waiting room. Do you remember how awful that was? That bloody chairs were fucking uncomfortable, but it was alright when we were there, I figured things would get better, but they didn’t. And I’m grown up enough to know they never will.”

“But you have to get on with your life.”

“I have,” he stated. “I’ve been training and soon enough I’ll be flying to America to complete the rest of it.”

“That’s now what I meant, Sir.” Alistair hesitated before saying. “I think it’s time you have a proper relationship again. There's no point in continuing with the one night stands. They’re not doing you any favors.”

“They’re doing plenty good.”

“They leave you dissatisfied!” argued Alistair. “I see it in your face. You walk out looking like you’ve been taken for a fool, and it’s because you always get the ones that remind you of her, and then you pretend they are –”

“Enough!” And so overwhelmed by his emotions, Harry threw the champagne at Alistair. At least he thought he did, because the bottle ended up flying right by him and shattered on a nearby tree. “I won’t stand for this!” he cried. “So fuck off!”

“I only meant to help.”

“There’s no helping, not with this!” There were tears in his eyes. He was drunk and emotional, a terribly combination. “Because I’ve tried to move on, Alistair. You know I have. I’ve shagged my way through most of the birds in London, hoping that one of them would make me feel the way she would, but no one compares to her.” He rubbed his eyes, wanting to get rid of the damn tears. “No one ever will. And it’s my lot in life to spend the rest of it mourning her and what could’ve been. And it doesn’t matter how much I love her and how much I miss her, it doesn’t matter how much I long to hold her in my arms, because she’ll never forgive me for being a coward. She’ll never take me back, and I’ve come to terms with that. So for fuck’s sake, leave me be. Let me drink until I’m off my face, because I’m exhausted. I’ve spent the entire day wondering what it would’ve been like to marry her. We would’ve married as soon as her ribs healed enough for her to properly walk, she would’ve had a little belly, not massive yet, but enough for people to know Thea was on her way, and she would’ve had flowers in her hair.” He closed his eyes, the vision was too much for him. “We would’ve married in the country. Nothing grand, because I would’ve been disinherited, but it would’ve been lovely. She would’ve been mine.” He gritted his teeth, choking back his sobs. “I could’ve lived a very happy life with her. We would’ve been in the country, far from London so Thea and her siblings could have a bit of peace, but instead of being a happily married father, I’m this.” He motioned to himself. “I’m a fucking mess and I won’t be getting any better. That’s why I’m following after you. I’ll commit myself to the job, because it’s all I’ve got left.”