It's Simply Complicated

After the whole escapade with Evan, Aliza did not see him again for another year and half. She graduated from high school and spent the summer with friends before she left for an out-of-state university. She went away for school and returned for the various breaks. When she returned home for the breaks, however, she never ran into Evan. During the course of that period, she did a bit of self-discovery and began compiling theories for her dislike towards Evan. As much as she despised him for leaving her hanging out to dry, for telling her that he would always be there for her but never showing up, she still knew that if he needed something, she would eagerly deliver. After realizing that, Aliza had to figure out: why? As she continued to think, things became abundantly clear.

She did not want to hate him; on the contrary, she found him to be very attractive. There was something about his eyes and smile that transported her to some unearthly realm. His eye color was brown and, honestly, there was nothing special about it. They had no flecks of gold and were purely brown, not a heart-stopping hazel that forced people to stare. Instead, his eyes were expressive. Any answer could be found in his eyes; it was his tell, but no one really knew this fact about him. In order to discover it, one would have to observe carefully and study the orbs to note the discrepancies between them in each situation. With each smile, his eyes brightened and you could see them drastically get smaller. When he was apathetic, they would glaze over and nearly look cloudy and when he was angry, Evan's eyes could bore holes into souls. If she were to look only at pictures of Evan's eyes, Aliza could tell the emotions he had in each situation. However, the two of them were not close to or intimate with each other in any sense of the word. Until Aliza had her light bulb moment and things pinged, making sense.

For the last two years of high school, people who knew both of them in any context made comparisons between them. Aliza did well in school, but she was no valedictorian. She was great at cheerleading, but she never made captain. She debated on the weekends with the debate team, but she was no national godsend. Aliza just worked hard, did her best, and sometimes it paid off. That was always enough for her because she was doing what she wanted and being true to herself. With Evan in the picture, his GPA would always be better. He was a cheerleader for one year at his school, though it was only to pick up girls. Even knowing his intention, Evan was still headstrong, especially when considering the stigma surrounding male cheerleaders. Sure, Evan did not debate. How could he when he was solving world hunger, ending wars, building schools in developing countries, saving exotic animals, and getting a Nobel Peace Prize all before bed. There were constant comments made to Aliza such as: "Oh, you're applying to the same schools as Evan;" "You two would make a cute couple;" "You're doing that? Just like Evan;" "You're just like Evan;" "Evan's doing this so well. You should go talk to him." This was not because of jealousy. Aliza disliked Evan because he was a better her than her! Evan could do anything he wanted and Aliza would not care in the slightest. Because of their similarities, however, Evan became a living, breathing personification of all of Aliza's flaws, shortcomings, and failures. Who would want to compete with that-- a more perfect version of herself? Who could? It wasn't until a few months before she saw Evan again that she realized and understood what some wise man said: life becomes easier when you accept the apology you never got.

It was August before Aliza went back her university for her second fall semester when she saw Evan again. She walked down the stairs to ask Nicole to borrow a flatiron and found him and Jeremy in their living room. She was surprised to see the two of them together but they were both looking down at their phones. Only Jeremy looked up when Aliza entered the room. Aliza wanted to make plans to hang out with Jeremy because she had not seen him in awhile. Also, because Aliza owed her sister a favor, Aliza invited Nicole to hang out with them, unaware that Jeremy had invited Evan. Hey!" Aliza greeted Jeremy warmly as she walked towards him and he stood up and gave her a hug. "How are things going?"

"Great!" He replied. "I joined the baseball team at Westbrook and I have a girlfriend now. Her name's Lexi and she's super awesome."

"Nice!" Aliza answered. "You have to tell me more in a second!" She said, putting Jeremy on hold. She came downstairs to ask Nicole to borrow her hair straightener and she wanted to ask before forgetting. She knocked on Nicole's door before walking in and talking to her sister.

"Hey, I wanted to know if I could borrow your flatiron. Also, would you hate me if I said I don't know if I still want to go out with you guys tonight?" Aliza started meekly.

"What? Why?" Nicole whined back as she unplugged her hair straightener before passing it to her older sister.

"I'm not really feeling up for it tonight, but I'll totally drive you and pick you guys up," Aliza added quickly. The last thing she wanted was for no one to have fun because she did not feel like going out suddenly at the last minute.

"Then, why are you straightening your hair?" Nicole wondered aloud.

"Well, I figured I would do my hair. If it looked good, I'd go because a good hair day is a terrible thing to waste. If not, I'd just stay here." Aliza answered.

"How long would that take? Your hair honestly looks fine like that. I would just re-do the bun to make it a bit neater," Nicole suggested with a hurried tone in her voice as she continued working on her makeup.

"If I don't do my hair, then I'm not going. Since you guys want to head out soon, I guess I just won't do anything at all and just chill out here until you want to be picked up." I resolved with a defeated sigh before tossing the hair tool back on Nicole's bed.

Aliza left her sister's room, which stemmed off from the living room only to be greeted by Evan nearly instantaneously. Despite pretty much ignoring Aliza when she first entered the room, he was paying full attention to her now.

"Hey!" Evan exclaimed as he stood up and walked up to Aliza with open arms. "There's my girl! How are you?"

Caught off by being referred to as "his girl," Aliza gave Evan a one-armed hug and added, "I'm good, you?"

"Good, but that is not a real hug," Evan said, starting to hassle her but still clutching her.

"Yes, it is," Aliza countered as she tried to pull away.

Evan refused to let go of her, holding her tighter and beginning to walk with her in this embrace. "No, it's not. A hug needs both arms."

"What?" Aliza said, trying to wiggle out of his grip while also being guided to wherever he was walking. "You're using both arms. Let go!"

"Not until you hug me with both arms," Evan retorted still with both arms around her. He had managed to walk her over to the sofa where Aliza was trying to maintain her balance. If she were to lean back, both of them would fall onto the couch with Evan on top.

"Evan, you're being annoying. Leave me alone," Aliza breathed out as she went limp in his arms to signify her surrender and the rising of her white flag.

"I will," Evan promised. "Once you hug with me both arms," he finished as he began leaning forward on her, using a trick that had worked on her a couple times before.

Grabbing the wall that the sofa was pushed on, Aliza realized she had two options: hug Evan and have him on top of her or don't hug Evan and he stays on top of her. "Fine," Aliza conceded, "let me up."

"Promise?" Evan badgered.

"Yes, I promise. Just get off for a second. God," she muttered under her breath. Evan stood up and allowed Aliza to stand up and regain her balance. He still stood directly in front of her, not allowing her a chance to run away. She stood up nonetheless, straightened out her top and pulled him in for another embrace.

"See, that wasn't so hard. Was it?" Evan whispered in her ear. He just wanted Aliza to realize that he could be sincere and that liking him, even in the platonic sense, was doable and did not involve her selling her soul to the devil.

Aliza rolled her eyes though no one saw. "Whatever," she scoffed, not wanting to how his husky murmur affected her. "I'm going grab my keys." She announced before retreating upstairs to her room to grab her car keys, license, and eyeglasses so she could see the road.

"You smell like berries!" Evan called out after her, watching her run up the stairs two at a time and taking in every muscle flex and hip sway in the process as he softly bit down on the corner of his bottom lip.

Aliza returned shortly after retrieving her keys to find Jeremy, Nicole, and Evan gathered in the living room, waiting to leave for their planned night of fun. The group was planning to go to a bar and club on the local university's campus. The minimum age to get in was 18, but Evan and Nicole figured that they could talk Jeremy's way in since Evan was 20 and Nicole had just turned 18. Regardless, Aliza drove them to the club, Fired Up. Upon their arrival, Aliza made sure that everyone had her number so she could pick up each of them as each partygoer was ready to leave. After dropping them off, she retreated back home and prepared as best as she could for bed, except actually climbing to bed. She went up to the bathroom, tied her hair up in a bun, and took a hot shower. Whilst washing, she thought about her day and what could possibly have made her so exhausted and so emotionally drained. She began to wonder what was going on at Fired Up and why she suddenly no longer wanted to go once she saw Evan in the living room. If she no longer cared about their complicated relationship, then she should not have a problem being around Evan. After she showered, Aliza got out and got dressed, pulling on a pair of pair boxer shorts and a tank top. She pulled her hair down before going downstairs to grab a water bottle before settling in to watch a movie. Aliza flicked on the TV before she settled on a movie featuring Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill. Having never seen the movie before, she was thoroughly enjoing Ice Cube's character before she received the first call to bail out one of her ducklings.

She picked up my phone to see which lamewad was the first to cave. Thinking it would be Jeremy because of his age, Aliza was surprised when to see picture of Evan looking down happily at a birthday cake and his name flashing across of phone screen.

"Hello?" She answered nonchalantly, not wanting him to detect my surprise, boredom, or even eagerness to see him and have a moment alone.

"Hey!" Nearly, the whole house heard him cry out. The background noise was extremely loud so he attempted to compensate by screaming into the phone.

"Are you ready to go?" She tried, wanting to quickly get off the phone with him. The music in the back was making it impossible to hear.

"Hey, can you come pick me up?" He tried and slurred at the same time. "I'm ready to head out!" Evan screamed.

"I'm on my way now," Aliza said louder, not wanting to wake her mom who was upstairs fast asleep upstairs.

"WHAT?" Evan yelled.

She hung up the phone and abruptly before sending him a text message, confirming that she was on her way to pick him up.

Aliza turned off the TV and went to gather her glasses, license, and keys. She picked up a jacket and stuffed her phone into its pocket but left it unzipped while slipping on a pair of sandals. She only put something on her arms because she felt uncomfortable leaving the house in her pajamas, but the August heat did not require a lot of clothing. Driving downtown to the Fired Up, Aliza had the radio playing in the background. Every night in the summer felt like a Saturday, but it was only Thursday. The radio reminded her of this when the DJ came on and told people to prepare for the start of the weekend and the other DJ that would take over come Friday night. She just continued to drive, however, as "Maps" by Maroon 5 played through the speakers. It was all too appropriate for Aliza: "Oh, I was there for you in your darkest times./ Oh, I was there for you in darkest nights./ But I wonder: where were you when I was at my worst down on my knees/ and you said you had my back?" The song spoke to Aliza deeply and caused her to wonder again why Evan treated her the way he did. This time, Aliza was no longer angry, just curious.

The song was off by the time she pulled up and Evan hopped in the car. He reeked of alcohol and hormones, a specific smell acquired after a night of grinding and bad decisions. Nonetheless, she spoke up. "Had fun?"

"Yeah," he answered with a nod, before becoming silent.

Aliza's hand arm rested on the center console as she drove with her left hand and skyroof opened as the wind whipped throughout the car.

"I like this song," Evan piped up, with the slight slur he had earlier wearing off.

Without verbally responding, Aliza used the button on the steering wheel to turn up the volume. She recognized the song as "Come On, Get Higher" by Matt Nathanson, a song she used to listen to nonstop because she fell in love with the lyrics. He had a great singing voice, a fact she discovered once when she was at Jeremy's and he was unaware of her presence, but Evan only hummed along because of the awkwardness of the drive. When the chorus came, Aliza began to sing though to fill the silence between them, which only gave Evan the confidence to belt out as well. Somewhere between a red light and the bridge, Aliza noticed warmth radiating next to her arm on the console. She continued to driving and singing along, ignoring the change and allowing Evan to venture closer. Cautiously, he looped his pinky finger around hers, which caused Aliza's heart to skip a beat and a smile to spread across her face as she continued to sing. When the song was over, Evan did not remove his pinky finger and neither did Aliza.

"You do know I don't know where I'm going right?" Aliza piped up as she neared her house. She lived a block away from Jeremy and she knew Evan lived roughly a ten-minute drive away from them, but she had no clue how to actually get to his house.

"Yeah," he answered. "Just turn off into this street up here."

Aliza followed instructions though she was pulling onto her street. Evan never said anything afterward and she pulled into her driveway. "Can I ask you something?" She asked, putting the car into park and turning off the ignition and headlights.

"Does it matter? I mean-you're going to do it anyway, even if I say no," Evan retorted.

"Why?" Aliza started before struggling to find the words to say. "You said you would always be there for me and, if I ever needed you, I could always call you. When I needed you, you didn't care. Why?"

"What are you talking about? When was I not there for you?" Evan asked, trying to understand the question.

"It sounds small, but I really needed your help with that video a couple years ago. You bailed on me. We would talk occasionally and things were different then. I'm not upset that you bailed. I found someone else to do it and it was fine. Did you think about why I wanted you in the first place? I mean-why would you say I could count on you and then not follow through?"

"What video? I don't remember," Evan struggled to get out, trying to remember the incident Aliza was discussing.

"It's not about the video, Evan. It's about how--," Aliza trailed off, unbuckling her seatbelt, removing her pinky from his, and turning to face him. "Look, no one really has my back. My parents are divorced, so they're busy trying to compensate for not having the other: money, helping out around the house, remembering to do specific things for Nicole and me, and things like that. I'm Nicole's big sister. I'm supposed to have all of the answers, the best advice, and be the strong inspiration. Sometimes, I fail and I need help; I needed your help and you weren't there.

"My problem, Evan, is that I can't trust you. I don't want to be around people I can't trust. I can't trust you to be there for me, to come through for me, to not hurt me-I know the video is so trivial. But if I can't trust with the small things, how can I trust you with the bigger things? I'm not angry with you. I just had to say that." Aliza ranted before letting out a sigh and turning back towards the front of the car. She fastened her seatbelt and turned the key so she could drop Evan off, though he hadn't said a word.

Evan put his hand on Aliza's arm to stop her. Silently, he took off his seatbelt and began to get out of the car. Shutting the door, he turned around and watched Aliza put the passenger-side window down. "Come on," he nodded towards the front door of the house. "I'm staying with you tonight." He turned towards the house without giving Aliza a chance to respond.

Aliza rolled up the windows, grabbed her keys, and locked the door before walking up to him. "I'm not arguing with you tonight, Evan," she said as she walked into his arms and, instinctively, he knew what to do.

He pressed his cheek to the top of her head and held her close under the stars that could barely be seen with the city lights. He murmured, "Good, because I don't want to."

Aliza led the way into the house as she snuck Evan upstairs to her room. He could have slept on the living room couch without a problem, but she would have to answer questions in the morning to explain his presence. With him in her room, they could wake up whenever in the morning; sneaking him out would be easy as long as it was after Aliza's mom left for her commute to work at 8:05. Aliza walked in front of him as she held his hand, guiding him through the dark house. At the top of the stairs, they turned left towards Aliza's room and away from her mom's. Tiptoeing into Aliza's room, Evan shut the door behind them while Aliza turned on the light.

"This is your room, huh?" Evan started to diffuse the awkwardness in the air, while looking around Aliza's room.

"Yeah, it's me," Aliza responded, feeling slightly judged as Evan's eyes ran over everything in the room, with each thing in it revealing something about that he may not have previously known.

Everything was an organized mess. Nothing was on the floor, but the desk was covered in papers and folders. Her twin-sized bed was pushed against the wall. A rug covered the floor and there were beanbags casually lying on the floor. Her dresser was on the wall near the light switch and various lava lamps lined the window ledge. Connecting to her room was a walk-in closet on one side and a bathroom branching out on the other. There was no TV in her room because she gave hers to Nicole when she left for college after Nicole's had unexpectedly stopped working. However, Aliza did have a bookshelf that was underneath the window ledge that also doubled as a nightstand.

"Do you have clothes I can change into?" Evan asked with a smirk, but also prying to see if someone else was in the picture.

"Just take off your jeans and your t-shirt," Aliza said nonchalantly, waving him off and not paying much attention to him.

"Eager to get me out of my clothes, I see, " Evan replied. Aliza turned away from him, walking into the bathroom. She did not need anything in there, but she wanted to compose herself. She pulled her phone out of her jacket pocket to check the time. There were no new messages. She slipped out of her sandals and walked back into her bedroom, dropping her shoes to the floor. She slipped out of her jacket and crawled into bed next to Evan who was already waiting for her.

Aliza slid in next to him as Evan put his arms around her. It was nearly reminiscent of the time at Nicole's party when they were together then. He held her close with his arms draped around her waist. She lay on her side with her head tucked underneath his.

"Can I answer you now?" He whispered softly.

"Hmm?" Aliza replied.

"I never answered you in the car." He tried again, "Can I now?"

Aliza nodded underneath him as she nuzzled closer towards him.

"I don't remember the video, honestly," Evan started, keeping his voice barely audible. "If you said it was something small, then that's probably why I bailed. When I meant I would be there for you, I didn't mean it in the platonic way of helping you move and fixing your Internet. I meant in this way, the exact way we are now. I probably didn't do it because I was afraid you would friendzone me and I would be stuck filling small requests for you. Maybe, I didn't do it because I wanted you to ask me for something that only I could do-because I wanted to feel needed. Perhaps, I just did it because I was afraid, afraid of where it could go, afraid of where it could lead to, afraid of the possibilities with you."

As Evan explained, he moved one hand from her waist and brought it to her upper arm, stroking up and down. "You're the not the only who has problems trusting and being vulnerable," he said with a husky mumble. "I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I made you think that I didn't care about you."

Aliza's phone began to ring and vibrate, causing her to get up from her bonding moment with Evan. She clambered down to the phone, finding a picture of Nicole having an exceptionally good hair day on her lighting up the screen. Aliza ignored the call and sent a text, alerting her sister that she was on her way and shoved her phone back in her pocket. Most likely, both of them were done: no one voluntarily parties alone.

"I'm sorry, Evan. I'll be back," she assured quietly. She slipped on her jacket and glasses, before leaning down for her sandals.

"Do you want me to come with you?" He offered. She looked up as he sat shirtless and pants-less in her bed surrounded by her striped comforter. His ran a hand through his hair, showing off his muscular arms but not taking the attention from his sculpted chest and abs.

"No," Aliza said as she unconsciously ran her tongue across and bit her bottom lip. "I'll have to explain why I didn't drop you off. I'll be back in, like, fifteen minutes."

"Do you want me to wait up?" Evan not noticing the way Aliza was looking at him.

Aliza just looked up at him lovingly as she grabbed her keys. "Does it matter? I mean-you're going to do it anyway even if I say no," Aliza mimicked him from earlier with a wink.

Aliza drove back to Fired Up for the last time that night to pick up Jeremy and Nicole. They both smelled like regret but only one still had the last remnants of a slur. Aliza drove them back as they both gushed about the good time they had. Somehow, Jeremy got stuck in a dance battle that earned him some compliments and recognition amongst everyone in the place. There were no random make-out sessions for him, he assured everyone in the car, and he made sure to remain faithful to Lexi. Nicole mentioned how she had three offers to dance throughout the night from various guys. A guy was there that she recognized from somewhere or another, but she did not dance with him and could not get the chance to nab a phone number. As the two passengers ranted, Aliza continued to drive and nod along to keep the minimal engagement to not draw any suspicion to the fact that she was not paying any attention to either one of them at all and was only focused on getting back to Evan. Aliza dropped Jeremy off at his house first before returning back to her own. Nicole, not noticing her sister's withdrawn behavior, bade her good night and retreated to her room. Meanwhile, Aliza, on the other hand, attempted to calmly hurry back upstairs, knowing that seeing Evan would relinquish all anxiety. When she walked into the room, Evan was still on the bed and had picked up book from the bookstand nearby on the floor. She smiled silently and slipped off her shoes, jacket, and glasses for one last time. She stood at the foot of the bed and crawled to the space between him and the wall.

Noting that he turned on a lamp near the bed and turned off the overhead light, Aliza piped up. "Good book?" She said, resting her head on his shoulder as he peered over the words on the page.

"Mhmm," he said, not taking his eyes away from the book.

"Good, can you just the turn the light off when you're done?" She said as she turned over to her side, giving Evan her back. Curling up, she put my forearms underneath her head and one of the pillows, before shutting her eyes to fall asleep. She listened to the turn of the book's pages a few times before recognizing the familiar click of the lamp turning off. She felt movement under the blanket as Evan repositioned his body, before snaking his warm, heavy arms wrap around her waist. Unwillingly, and unknowingly, Aliza let out a soft sigh as her shoulders relaxed. While Evan, noticing her tell, relished in the fact that not many people could do that to her besides him. He wanted to tell her that, to tell her that he was so happy that he was the someone who could make her feel at ease, protected, and loved. Somewhere, deep down inside, Evan knew that no matter how many times he engulfed and enveloped her, rendering her speechless, she was not be able to trust him and maybe she never will.