Love Knows No Boundaries

My name is Andy and I can’t love him. I shouldn’t love him. But I do love him. And I hate myself for it.

Andy sighed and tossed his pen on the desk. He leaned back against the hard, wooden back of the chair he was sitting in and closed his eyes. He sighed again in frustration. Writing out his feelings for him wasn’t getting Andy anywhere. Instead, it just made him fall deeper in love, and it just made him fall deeper into depression.

Andy didn’t want to love him, but he knew it was useless. It wasn’t love at first sight or anything stupid like that. It was gradual and then very sudden, and by the time he realised that he had fallen, it was too late. He had fallen in too deep and there was no way he was going to be able to climb out.

Sighing again, he leaned forward, picked up his pen and began writing.

Part of me wishes that I hadn’t gone to karaoke that day a year ago. Part of me wishes that I had never even met him. But another part of me, a bigger part, is glad I did. He helped me find self-confidence. I know my self-confidence shouldn’t be linked to him, and it isn’t. Not really anyway. He just helped me find it myself. Part of me hates him for it.

There isn’t really a point in even writing this down. It’s not going to solve anything, and it’s not going to change anything. But I need to tell someone. I need to get it off my chest. All my friends stopped caring ages ago. At first, they thought it was cute I guess. You know, how obviously love struck I was and how much I cared about him. But after a while, they just got sick of hearing about him. They thought I should just get over him and move on. I agree that I need to move on, but it’s not that easy. One of my friends suggested I write it down and maybe it’d help. I doubt it, but it wouldn’t hurt to try since God knows I’ve tried nearly everything else, so I guess I’d better start at the beginning…

*** *** *** ***

One year earlier.
January 1st

“Hey Andy.”

I turned away from my locker at the sound of my name. “Oh, hey David.” I turned back to my locker to shove my work clothes in my backpack.

“Did you just get here?” David asked as he walked over to the staff fridge.

I laughed and shook my head. “Nope. It’s 7:30. I’m off.”

David groaned. “Who the hell am I closing with then? Please don’t tell me it’s Susan.”
I turned to face him, a large grin on my face. I watched David walk over to the schedule board and my grin grew larger when he muttered a curse.

“And you’re not working tomorrow either? Fucking hell. I hate Susan.”

“We all do. Except for the managers. But that’s only cos Susan is like their lap dog or something.” I replied. I swung my backpack over my shoulder and pulled out my phone as David snickered.

“So, any plans tonight?”

I shrugged as I opened a text from my mum. “On a Wednesday night? I’ll probably just sit at home playing Rock Band.”

David let out a groan and said something about me needing to get a life but I wasn’t really listening.

Chris and I are going to the pub tonight with Marty and Jen for a few drinks and karaoke. If you want to come after you’re off work you can. Otherwise you’re on your own for dinner. >:D

I let out an amused sigh. “Looks like I may have plans after all.”

“Oh yeah? With who?”

“My mum and step dad. They’re meeting some friends at the bar in town.” I replied as I typed out a response to Mum.

You don’t sing mum :P

“Really? Going to a bar with your parents? You really are lame.” David joked. I shot him a look.

“Hey. It’s free food and drinks, and it’s better than being stuck at work with Susan. Besides, Mum and Chris go nearly every Wednesday cos it’s wing night, and they get on pretty good with the karaoke host too and I don’t normally join them. I just really don’t feel like cooking for myself tonight.”

“Ah.” David laughed. “Well, have fun. Get hammered. And remember us poor folk who are still stuck at work, yeah?”

I chuckled as David walked out of the door. “I will!”

I walked out of the staff room and waved a quick goodbye to Susan without looking at her. As I crossed the parking lot to get to my car, shielding myself as much as I could against the rain, Mum replied. I pulled out my car keys from my pockets, unlocked the door, and threw my bag onto the passenger’s seat. Once I was inside the car, I pulled out my phone.

I know. =P But you know Marty and Chris love karaoke. Dunno if they’ll be singing much though. Amanda isn’t going to be there tonight.

Why?

Car accident. She was t-boned at an intersection. She’s fine. Her ribs are just badly bruised and she said it hurts to just breathe. So obviously she wouldn’t be able to host tonight.

That makes sense. If she can’t breathe without it hurting she would have a hell of a time talking and singing… Which is her job. If you’re texting her tell her I say hi and to feel better. I sent my reply, started the car, and backed quickly out of the stall.

---

It only took me 35 minutes to get home, but because it took me a bit to fix my hair and eyeliner I got to the bar around 8:20, even though the bar was only a three-minute drive away. I pulled into the parking lot and parked in one of the empty stalls a short distance away from the building. After killing the engine, I stepped out of the car and locked it behind me. Pulling a cigarette out of my pack and lighting it, I leaned against a wall and fished my phone out of my pocket. As soon as I opened Candy Crush, the door to the bar opened and I looked up to see who stepped out.

“Oh, hey Chris.” I greeted my step dad with a smile.

“Hi. What took you so long? Weren’t you off at seven thirty?” He asked, coming over to stand next to me as he lit his own smoke.

“Yeah. But I got caught up talking with David from work. And traffic was a bitch.”

“And you had to fix your make up and hair?” Chris asked with a grin.

“Well of course!” I laughed.

We smoked in silence for a bit. Every so often I would end up breaking the silence with a muttered curse when I lost a life on Candy Crush. When I finally lost all of my lives without even beating the fucking level, I locked my phone and took a drag off my smoke.

“Is Amanda’s replacement here yet?” I asked.

I saw Chris shrug out of the corner of my eye. “They could be, but I wouldn’t know since I don’t know who they are. I highly doubt it though since karaoke doesn’t start for another hour.”

I checked the time on my phone and shot Chris a confused look. “But it’s 8:36? Amanda always started karaoke at nine I thought.”

Chris nodded and took a drag off his smoke, holding it for just a second before breathing it back out. “But the bar advertises karaoke to start at 9:30. Amanda always started early because the bar has a nasty habit of shutting down early if there aren’t many people.”

I rolled my eyes. “Speaking of which, is it busy in there?”

“Kind of. There are only a couple empty tables at the moment, but it’ll clear out quickly once karaoke starts. Most of them,” Chris used his thumb to point over his shoulder towards to bar, meaning he was referring to the people inside, “only come for wing night.”

I sighed. “Remember when we first moved here and the bar was always packed?”

Chris laughed. “Not that you would know. You were only thirteen when we moved. But yeah, when we first moved it was nearly always busy, especially Wednesdays. Now it’s dead all the time. This place has gotten really shit though. Bunch of people refuse to go here anymore.”

I nodded.

“And I guess Amanda lost her touch a bit. Which I’m guessing is one of the reasons not many people stick around for karaoke.” Chris added after a second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, she was part of the reason that it used to be so busy Wednesdays. She was fun and interactive and made people want to stay to sing and drink. But then she just got bored of it I guess. Started to see it as work.”

“But it is her job.” I pointed out with a laugh.

“Yeah, but to be a good host I would think you don’t want people to know that you see it as work. If you want the crowd to have a good time, you need to be having a good time too.”

---

“Andy!” Mum called from across the room. I looked up from my conversation with Jen. Mum was standing at the bar with Marty. Mum looked a bit tipsy, but Marty looked extremely drunk.

“Andy! Come here!” Mum called again. I stood up and walked over to them, only then noticing the six shot glasses on the counter between them.

“Muuuum.” I groaned as I reached them. I leaned on the counter beside Marty and looked at them accusingly. “Seriously? Are you trying to get me drunk? You” I said, looking pointedly at Mum. “Have already bought me three drinks. And you” I looked at Marty. He looked back at me with unfocused eyes and a sly grin on his face. “I don’t even know how many shots you’ve bought me.”

“It’s for your 19th birthday!” Marty said in his thick Scottish accent.

“My birthday was a week ago.” I pointed out. “Remember, Mum? You took me to BC and left me at the mercy of my cousin and her friends?”

“I remember. She took you camping and got you completely stoned.” Mum said with a grin. I grinned sheepishly back at her.

“So,” Marty said. “Because you decided to go get high in the bushes with a bunch of deer and shit instead of drinking with me, you’re going to make up for it now!” He pushed a shot into my hands and then took one for himself and Mum. I looked down and groaned.

“Is this tequila?”

“Sure is! Why? Do you need a lemon, you pussy?” Marty joked.

I jokingly scowled at him. “No. Fruit doesn’t belong in alcohol. And I’m not a pussy, I’m not English.” I smiled, knowing the last comment would make him laugh considering he always joked about how the English are nothing but pussies.

Like I thought, he roared with laughter. “That’s my boy!” He raised his shot glass to me and downed it. I looked at Mum and smiled before bring the glass to my lips and drinking it. The liquid burned my throat and I fought not to cough.

---

The effects of the three shots combined with the god knows how many other shots and drinks soon started to kick in. It was only 9:26 and I was already drunk, and Marty wasn’t helping.

I drank the last sip of my beer and before I even put the glass down, another beer and a shot appeared in front of me. I looked up and glared at Marty.
“You know, you’re going to be holding back my hair tonight.” I said.

Marty laughed. “Only if you hold back mine.”

I shook my head and smiled. “You barely have any hair to hold back.”

Marty shrugged and took a sip of his whiskey.

I grabbed my beer and took a sip, still shaking my head at Marty.

“Hello, Langdon! My name is Ashley and I’m the host for tonight. Karaoke is starting in just a few minutes, so if you wanna sing make sure to give me your slips of paper with your songs on them.”

“Oh, looks like Amanda’s replacement is here.” I heard Jen say from beside me. I turned around in my chair to look at the stage. A guy, Ashley I guess he said his name was, was just putting down his mic and walking over to grab a stack of books from a table he had set up. I turned back around in my chair and took another sip of my drink.

“Well, there is no way I’m singing tonight.” I said.

“Why?” Asked Jen.

“Well I had just started getting comfortable with Amanda and still took ages for me to work up the nerve to sing.”

Marty laughed. “We’ll just have to get you more drunk then, won’t we?”

“I’m already drunk and I still don’t want to sing.” I looked around the still busy bar. “And people aren’t leaving. The only time I sang when Amanda was here was when the bar was dead.”

“Karaoke hasn’t started yet. Give it time and people will leave.” Chris said.

I shrugged and took yet another sip of my beer. Suddenly, a book was placed beside me, making me jump and choke on my beer.

“Sorry!” A voice from behind me laughed.

I turned around, still coughing, to see Ashley standing beside me. He started placing paper and pencils onto the table next to the book and his dark shoulder length hair fell in front of his face. He stood back up and pushed his hair aside.

“Having a good night so far?” He asked us.

We all nodded while Marty let out a drunken, “Yeah we are!” I rolled my eyes as Ashley smiled.

“You’re taking over for Amanda then?” Mum asked politely.

Ashley nodded. “Just until she starts to feel better of course. You’re friends with her?”

Mum, Chris and Jen nodded. Marty had left to go refill his empty glass. I looked down at the table, my cheeks heating up. I hated talking to strangers.

“Are you guys regulars then? Does that mean you’ll be singing tonight?” Ashley asked. Even though I wasn’t looking at him, I could hear the smile in his voice. Did he ever stop smiling?

“Oh, I don’t sing.” I heard Mum say. I saw Jen shake her head out of the corner of my eye. “But Chris probably will.”

“Great. Well, I should probably finish passing these out. See ya.” Ashley said as he walked away.

“Here you go buddy!” Marty said from behind me, placing yet another drink and shot in front of me.

“For fuck sakes! I’m not even finished my beer yet!”

“Happy birthday!” Marty laughed.

---

I looked down at my phone, my gaze slightly unfocused because of how drunk I was. 11:43. I looked up and glanced around me at the still decently busy bar.

“How come it’s still so busy? It’s nearly midnight.” I asked Jen. Even I could tell how much I was slurring.

Jen shrugged. “Dunno. Guess this new host is doing his job.”

I looked around again. Sure, once karaoke started a few people left, but it didn’t clear out nearly as much as Chris said it would.

“I’m going for a smoke.” I announced to no one in particular. I grabbed my leather jacket from the back of the chair and slowly made my way to the front door.

I pulled a smoke out of my pack and lit it. Leaning against the wall, I shoved my pack back into my pocket and took a drag. I closed my eyes and exhaled.

I’m going to have such a shit hangover tomorrow, I thought. Then I groaned quietly when I remembered the two beers I still had waiting for me.

“Hey, you haven’t sung yet.” I heard someone say next to me.

I opened my eyes and saw Ashley lean against the wall beside me.

“I don’t sing much.” I replied quietly, looking away.

“Why’s that?”

“Too shy I guess.” I muttered. I really did hate talking to strangers.

Ashley laughed. “I wasn’t when I was around your age. When I first started hosting karaoke I thought I was a great singer.” He looked at me. “I wasn’t.”

I laughed.

“You should sing though, if you wanna. I mean, I don’t know. Get a few drinks in you. It’s a fun time.”

I smiled. “I’m already beyond drunk. Marty keeps buying me drinks and shots. So many shots. Apparently it’s for my birthday.”

“Oh? Well happy birthday.”

“My birthday was a week ago. I just didn’t celebrate it with him so I guess this is his form of payback. I don’t know.”

Ashley laughed. “Well happy belated birthday then.”

“Thanks.”

“Oh, songs almost over. I should probably go do my job.” He put out his smoke, smiled, and went inside. I pulled out my phone and tried playing Candy Crush, but my drunken brain wouldn’t focus on it so I sighed and put it away.

“How you feeling?”

I looked over and saw Chris walking over, smiling. I shrugged.

“I’m really drunk. I’m going to kill Marty.”

Chris laughed. “You’re going to feel it in the morning.”

“I know.” I groaned. “It’s a damn good thing I don’t work tomorrow.”

He nodded and chuckled a bit, taking a drag off his smoke. “Are you going to singing tonight?”

I shook my head. “I don’t sing. Are you singing tonight?”

“You sang with Amanda once or twice. And I just finished singing.”

“I know. But I like, knew her. And it was, you know, with her.”

“So sing with Ashley. I’m sure he’d be fine with it.”

“Uh, no. I don’t know him.”

“So?”

“So I don’t wanna sing with someone I don’t know.” I replied.

I wish people would just fucking understand how hard it is for me to simply socialise with strangers. When I say I don’t want to do something, it’s because I literally can’t do it because of how shy I am. So just fucking drop it. I thought angrily to myself. I took a drag off my smoke.

I sighed. “Like, I kind of want to sing I guess. But, I’m too shy to do it.”

Chris gave me a small smile. “Andy, if you want to sing then sing. There’s no better place to do it than karaoke because no one is really paying attention to you. They’re all too drunk.”

I laughed. “I guess. If I do sing by the end of the night, I’m not making any promises, but if I do… What should I sing?”

He shrugged. “What about the song you did with Amanda the last time you were here?”

“What, Bodies?”

Chris nodded. I took a drag off my smoke.

“Well, it is a fun song to do…” I said slowly.

“And you were brilliant at it.” He looked over at me and smiled when he saw me giving him a look. “Well, better than Amanda anyway.”

“Only because she didn’t know the song.” I laughed.

“Still.” Chris chuckled. “If you’re going to sing, do that one.”

“Maybe,” I replied. I took one last drag off my smoke before throwing it on the ground. “I’m going in. It’s getting cold out.”

I walked in and over to where Mum and Marty were sitting. I looked around the bar.

“Where’s Jen?”

“Bathroom.” Mum replied.

“Oh.”

“Sit down and finish your beers! It’ll be last call soon.” Marty demanded.

I sat obediently and took a couple big gulps of my beer, then put the glass down and looked around for the songbook, which was beside me earlier. I spotted it next to Marty.

“Pass me the book?” I asked.

“Singing then?” Marty asked as he passed it to me.

I grabbed it and shrugged. “Dunno. Maybe.”

*** *** *** ***

I did end up singing that night. Chris was wrong about people being too drunk to really notice or care, though. I guess if I had sang some bullshit Country song like everyone else had been singing that night they wouldn’t have noticed. I mean, they weren’t paying attention when my name was called, or when I had first started singing, but when I first screamed… Well, that got their attention pretty quick. When I had finished, I thought I had done a really shit job but everyone in the bar clapped when I walked shakily back to my seat. A few people even cheered.

After that night, I started going every single Wednesday. Sometimes my parents would go with me, and other times it was just me and Marty. I could almost always count on Marty coming with me since he was pretty much always at the bar anyway.

It took me three weeks to get comfortable around Ashley to the point where I was able to talk to him properly, and I could ask him to sing a song with me.

I didn’t really start to like him until about a month after I met him. He didn’t really start to see me as a friend instead of just a regular until about then, either. Coincidently, it was about a month when he unknowingly and accidently broke my heart for the first time too.

I guess that day marked the point of no return for me in a way. Looking back, I should have ran when I still had the chance. It’s too late now. I’m in too deep…