The Struggle Is Real

I'm just sitting here.....starring at my written pages to each of my family member in my spiral black notebook.

With the blood dripping from my wrist, splatting on to the pages, as tears stars rolling down my cheeks..
Its a lot of blood.......
Its a lot of words....
Words t4elling my family how much of a struggle I've been going through. Telling them I'm sorry,and, that I love them, and, how I hope that some day they can some how understand that, this was the only way to escape the pain, I've been dealing with for years.
But, as I begin to put the shut the notebook,and, place it on my dress drawer, where, I know they will find it, after they found me.... I began to panic...so many thoughts start racing in my mind.
Telling me...I was going to hell....That I was going to face more demons after my death then what I was dealing with now. Telling me...what if one of my lil cousins came in and found me instead of one of the adults, or what if my lil sister were to find me?
What if they do care, and, they do love me, and I just hurt them as much as I was hurting at that time...?
I got up and grab an old dirty rag that was near by and clutched it against my wrist. So, I can get the blood to stop. It was late at night. My guesse was around mid night. It was nears years eve....Yeah I choosed to stay in this time. I didn't want to be around people. Because it hurt faking a smile in front of them. It hurt pretending to be ok. I rather had been in my room alone, where I can be depress and just let everything that was bothering me sink in.
I then relized how fucked up it be if after the clock strike twelve. The next day mom came in and find me dead....What a way to start a new year that would be.
As much as I didn't want to. As Much as I wanted to pick up thwt razor, and, contuniue cutting, I took all my strength I still had, and, walked over to the other side of my bed room, and, picked up the phone, and, called my uncle's girlfriend....who I knew was at home....with the kids.....
She picked up after the fourth rang.....It took me a while to get the words out of my mouth. Because I was afraid of what the reaction was going to be. Or where I was going to end up........
I said in a soft quite voice.....” I need help......I cutted.......and blood is dripping.....

She quickly said, I'll come over and get you and find your mom.

I then hung up...and wrote my name with the blood on to the last suicidal note.

Even though I knew I wasn't going to die that night...Even though I knew...I had more to battle after that following night I choosed to finally call for help..........