Bleachless

My pebble broke through the waters surface, causing a rippling effect to be set in motion. The way the world works actually is quite interesting. It's the only reason I've survived until this day. I've always wanted to learn about this world, but not enough to want to stay. My fascination is my only hope, but it's slipping away gradually. I'm running out of hope every second I breathe.

"That reminds me of our skin, ya know? The rock represents the blade, the water is our skin," Kellin said, startling me.

"Why do you always show up from out of no where?" I questioned. He just shrugged, giving me a mischievous grin.

"I like scaring you!" And then I questioned Kellin himself.

How could a guy so nice and sweet as Kellin be so depressed? Why did he have all these cuts and dark thoughts? He always seemed so perky and full of life, unlike me. And most importantly, why would anyone want to be friends with a loser like me? I don't think I'll ever get it, but hey, it's Kellin's choice.

He picked up some rocks resting in the dirt and threw them into the water, each one going a substantial amount of inches.

"Impressive," I said. Something about Kellin made me feel...different. And I liked it.

I liked how I could be honest with him about anything. He's the only living soul who knows about my secret, and from the looks of it, he doesn't plan on telling anyone about it. He also brought out the little fragment of the good left inside. That feeling of happiness was coming back, and man was I overjoyed. But I was also depressed, and getting out of depression isn't that simple.

"Why do you cut?" I called out before I could keep my question confidential. He quirked his eyebrows.

"My family life, bullying...I just hate myself," He said, and I instantly regretted asking him. His usual, happy tone dropped and then I saw the Kellin that was struggling. His face shifted, and I could tell desolation was his main problem. So out of instinct, I reached forward and grabbed his hand. It was warm, probably because before hand he was clutching rocks and throwing them. I squeezed his hand reassuringly and he smiled at me.

"That's the Kellin I like," I said, letting go. I looked back a few moments later to see Kellin continuously eyeing me. He was making me anxious. Self consciously, I bit my lip and looked away from him. But of course, when I looked back, he was still eyeing me. I couldn't bear it anymore.

"What? Why do you keep looking at me?" I said and confined the rest by biting down on my lip, hard. His eyes were glazed with amusement, and I immediately knew he liked making me feel uncomfortable. His eyes met mine after a moment, then they flashed down to my lips. Oh god.

"Can I just..." He said, trailing off as I looked back. "What the hell," He muttered more so to himself before closing the small gap between us.

Kellin planted his lips on mine softly and moved slowly, tortuously. Never had I been kissed by anyone before, so this was new to me. I pulled away quickly.

"S-sorry...I've never, been k-kissed..." I shook my head and started to stand up. "Sorry it's just...stupid, I gotta go." I said, but his hand gripped my wrist.

"I shouldn't have kissed you, it was out of line. I'm sorry."

"N-no it's okay...I kinda, liked it," I admitted sheepishly. I'd be lying to myself if I said that I wasn't attracted to Kellin slightly. He had those innocent eyes, swayed black hair, and band shirts. That was enough to make me swoon. He smiled at me.

"Good, because I liked it too," He said seductively, wrapping his arm around me and pulling my towards him. His lips landed on mine again and moved in a rhythmic pattern on which I didn't understand. Gradually, I started to move myself, but it felt like I was doing it wrong. Here Kellin was, practically assaulting my lips, and I couldn't even give him a peck. I so desperately wanted to though.

We pulled way after a good minute and he looked at me, but in a different way. He didn't have the regular gleaming look in his eyes, they looked kind of hazy. It was almost as if they held meaning, like lust? But that can't be possible, Kellin wouldn't know emotions like that, neither do I.

"Listen," I said after a moment. " We can't, uh, do...this. I mean, I can't get so connected to you and then ruin it when I die..."

"You're going to kill yourself?" He asked, but not in a shocked tone. I nodded slowly.

"W-well, I've thought a-about it and..." He cupped my face in his hands a pecked my lips.

"Me too," He barely whispered. "So...for the last time we have here, shouldn't we spend it together?" Was he right?

If we were both planning on dying, then why should we waste our last moments apart when we both clearly want to see each other? My question was, can being with him make me happy enough to save me from my nightmares?

The answer's no. Nothing can or will help. I've planned this out, I want to do it on my birthday. Just ironic how you could be born and die on the same day. And when's my birthday? February tenth, eight days from today. I'm still contemplating on how it's going to happen, but it will. I can't put it off anymore.

My mom and dad may be getting divorced, and they both seem to not give a damn about me. There has been many oppurtunity's where they could have found me passed out in my room, bleeding out. Or just finding my blades or seeing my scars. Same with Mike, but he's too busy getting stoned. At school I'm a no one and I have no out of the ordinary talents, so it's not like I'm going to get a good job either. Not enough money for college as well. What was the point?

Everyone says you can get better if you really want to, and trust me I've wanted to, but nothing works. I tried making friends, but that just got me in deeper. I tried to change everything around, but nothing works. Maybe God just doesn't like me. But his opinion doesn't matter to me anyways, I'm already going to hell.

"I guess," I replied after a great deal of time. He smiled at me.

"Great, come down to that cafe on Haveteur road tonight at six okay?" He said, grabbing my hand and walking with me up the dirt path. Quite a ways from the main road is a dirt path that leads down to a remnant of the pond. I come down here a lot to think. How Kellin knew I'd be here, I still don't know.

"Why?" I questioned.

"I gotta show you something." He then shoved me, causing me to trip and almost fall. I glared at him.

"This friendship isn't going to work out if you're gonna be a shit," I yelled jokingly at him. He mischievously smiled.

"Good."

-

"Mom I'm going out," I yelled at her, opening the door. She never responded as usual, so I slammed the door, upset already.

Why does she have to ignore me? I knew they didn't respect me because I'm gay, but seriously. There's no reason why she acts the way she does, same for my dad. The only reason I'm still here is because I'm a minor, but when I'm eighteen they're going to kick me out anyways. So why don't I just die on that day? Get it, because I am. I probably shouldn't joke about dying.

It was kind of chilly out, we had a long winter. I huddled into my coat and continued down the sidewalks. The sun was setting, and all the concoctions of the colors made it look pretty. I smiled slyly, which I've been doing a lot lately. I've been smiling, and not in a forced manner. Just that little feeling of happiness made me feel more alive, even though I knew it wouldn't help. Nothing ever will.

I arrived at the address Kellin gave me earlier today. The place was pretty small and cramped, but I soon found Kellin by the side of the stage.

"Hey," I yelled over the noise. He turned around a smiled at me.

"Hey, glad you actually showed up." I laughed at him. "I gotta surprise for you, go take a seat," He said before walking off into a different room. What was he up to? Didn't matter, it was just gratifying of him to do anything for me.

So I shuffled through the crowds of people, talking and laughing like any other person would. I felt extremely anxious though, I hate being in crammed places like this. But if Kellin wanted me to be here, here I would be. The noise settled down as a lady walked up onto the stage and tapped her microphones head a couple times.

"Hello! Welcome to Alchemy Cafe. Tonight we have a very special performer, because he's only seventeen!" Everyone applauded, including me. "Tonight, he'll be singing you a song while our guitarist Braden plays. Without farther to do, Kellin Quinn!" Wait, what? Since when did Kellin sing?

Kellin hopped out of the room and made his way up to the stool, grabbing it and sliding it over to the microphone.

"Hello people," He said while taking a seat. "I usually don't do these sort of things, but tonight, I want to dedicate this song to a lovely person in the crowd." Me right?

His eyes scanned the crowd, then landed on me. He smiled a little, so I smiled back. This felt good, and new, but mostly refreshing. Who I assume is Braden walked out onto the stage and sat down, guitar resting on his leg. And then, he began to pluck a beautiful melody. Two beats in and Kellin started to sing.

"Those scars on your wrists are the mark of the world
An ocean that's left you so torn
But remember the heart you brought into this world
The same one as when you were born."

This was about me. This song, he wrote it for me.

"How confused you must be
Finding love in the blood that you bleed
But the truth is that I see
Why you say that 'it's hard to be me'
And we all make mistakes
Its not you, but this world you should hate
You're as beautiful as you were yesterday."

I swayed myself back and forth to the melody. The song was beautiful.

Kellin continued to sing, and the more into the song he got, the more the crowd swayed like me. If fact, some people got up and started to dance. In a way I envied them. They were all so happy, and I wasn't. They could get up and dance, but I couldn't. I know, I sound selfish, but it's true!

When Kellin finished the song, the crowd abrupted in applause, including myself. A smile crept onto my face when I saw Kellin look at me. Quickly, I got up and headed towards the stage, bumping into a few people. When I got up to Kellin he turned around.

"Did you like it?" He asked bristly, so I just nodded in response.

"That was beautiful," I said a few moments later, engulfing him in a hug. Before pulling away, he squeezed my small figure.

"Do you wanna come over to my place?" No one had asked me to come over since junior high.

"Uh...sure," Was all I said before Kellin grabbed my hand and practically yanked me out the door into the dusky lit evening.

"My house isn't too far, maybe a ten minute walk."

"Okay," Was all I said. A few minutes passed in silence.

"You know who that song was about right?" He asked, catching my gaze.

"Uh...m-me?" I asked.

He laughed. "Yeah, I wrote it for you." That was utterly the sweetest thing anyone could do for me.

"I'd write you a song, but I'm not a very good writer," I admitted. He looked at me and smiled slyly.

"Anyone can get better at it," I blushed, I knew it. Kellin's hand latched with mine as we continued to walk.

Do friends write songs for each other, hold hands, and kiss? Definitely not. I don't know what Kellin is to me. It's almost like he's more than a friend, but sure as hell not a boyfriend. Though, I wasn't too repulsed by the thought of it. What the hell am I thinking? Kellin would never like me like that, I'm just depressed, and so is he. We don't know that feeling right?

Kellin doesn't rub off as being depressed though. Though, I think he just keeps his problems reserved for himself, and that's totally understandable, because I do that too. I just got a sad vibe to me though, unlike him.

You see, when you're depressed you're kept to yourself for the most part. You don't want anyone to know your darkest secrets. And when someone finds out, you feel like it's the end of the world. Someone discovered your blades or your scars, or maybe they just questioned you about your stability. And can you blame yourself for freaking out? Anymore, if anyone knows, you're cooked. Everyone's going to know your secret and everyone is going to pick on you more. Or worse yet, be sympathetic towards you. I don't want sympathy, I just want to be dead. It's not very hard honestly.

When we arrived as Kellin's place, I was kind of stunned to see he had a pretty big house. He doesn't come off as a rich guy, but also not poor. I just guess he had an average sized home, like I do.

"Wow..." I muttered, my gaze transitioning to different parts of the house.

"Yeah," Was all he said before leading me up the steps and through the door.

At first glance, I saw that we were entering into a long hallway, probably the entry hall. Down the hall led to the living room. There was a couple couches, chairs, a coffee table, and also a fireplace. Man, this was an amazing view. There was also abnormal paintings covering the walls and a lot of plants. Maybe his mom likes gardening?

"Come with me." He motioned me to follow him up the flight of stairs and down yet another hall. I don't know how'd you not get lost here, this place was huge. Pretty soon, we neared a door, which I assume was his room. I was correct. And honestly, it surprised me that his room was not as big as my house.

His was simple, green walls with band posters taped all over the place. He had a double bed, a dresser, desk, and a closet. Pretty simple, nothing out of the ordinary.

"I know, it's small compared to the rest of the house." My gaze drifted back to him. I gave him a small smile.

"Yeah...but I love it," I replied in all honesty. It was nice to know he didn't want to live big and large like his parents obviously wanted to.

"My parents run a factory, so they make a lot of money. They just like to, I don't know, buy stuff to solve everyone's problems, but I don't like that," He said, walking around. "They worry about work and their items more than they worry about me....They have no clue." And then I knew why Kellin was sad.

He felt rejected, just like me. Though, our reasoning's were complete opposites. He felt rejected because his parents made him feel as if he was unimportant and all they cared about was their job and money. And if he told them he was sad they'd probably just buy him whatever he wanted. Honestly, in any normal teenage boys eyes, that'd probably sound very tempting, but it isn't to us. All that's tempting is having someone care for you.

With me, I felt rejected because my family was mean to me. No, they didn't ignore me, though I wish they did. My dad's not necessarily abusive, but he's intimidating, that's for sure. My mom doesn't do anything to help me, even though she knows how horrifying my dad really is. That's not even why they're getting divorced though. Mike also isn't very fond of me, mostly because I bust him all the time, and then I make him stop until the next time. We don't have the brotherly love/hate relationship most family members do.

"So...what do you wanna do?"

"We could talk..."

"Uh, okay, what do you wanna talk about?" How the hell was I supposed to know?

"U-um...I don't really mind, anything...."

"Can I ask you a question about your depression?" He said abruptly. Kellin wasn't very subtle.

"I guess."

"Why are you depressed?" He sat down next to me on the corner of his bed. His eyes met mine and I let out a deep sigh.

"My family...they're just...mean. My brother, Mike, he's messed up in a lot of drugs and alcohol with his girlfriend. I'm usually the, uh, the one who tries to sort him out, b-because I'm the big brother, but I can't and he hates me. M-my mom's mean and get's mad at me all the time, and my dad is pretty close to abusive. They give me too much attention and I hate it. Uh, school, I get bullied for being gay and also because I'm different..." Tears inaugurated in my eyes, but I pushed them aside.

"Oh..." Was all he said before wrapping an arm around my shivering body. "I'm so sorry," He whispered to me, pulling me into another hug. It felt good having someone here to comfort you, but I also felt uncomfortable. The more and more time I spent with Kellin, the more I got attached to him.

But maybe being attached to someone for the first time would be a good thing. It'd give closure, that way when I said goodbye, I left nothing out. I would regret nothing.