Bleachless

Tears sprung from my eyes as my blade cut into me once again. I was a sobbing mess, I was almost done. This, it was almost over. I couldn't take this pain anymore.

I wanted to bleed out all over my floor right here, right now. Of course, I wouldn't because I didn't want to make my parents clean up the mess. When I die, I just want it to be simple, to where it's not too much of a burden for others.

The park was empty, so I had no problem doing this right now. Usually, I tend to do this by myself in a quiet dark room, but I couldn't hold up anymore. The past five days have been so good. But here I am, three days before my death.

My day was complete shit. Mike's in the hospital, but I wasn't even surprised. Too much alcohol, and if he even fucking survives, my parents will will have to bail him out of jail. The most harrowing part was when I showed up, he wouldn't talk to me. But why? Why would he do such a thing? Because he hates me, I wasn't the brother he needed. I wasn't the brother who got stoned with him all night and did drugs on the porch after mom and dad went to sleep! I was the protective brother who sacrificed parts of his life for him.

My mom's moving out. That's right, three days after my birthday. I know they're getting divorced, but it still hurts. My dad is as denoting as ever, scaring the shit out not only me, but Mike.

So here I am, looking back over my shitty life. I couldn't stop myself from what was happening. My arm stung, the blood dripping off into the grass. A hand was placed on my shoulder.

"Vic? What are you doing?" I turned around to meet Kellin's worried expression.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered faintly, but what was I even sorry for?

"Please, please stop," He sat down and tried to grab my blade, but I yanked away, trying not to slice his hand. The icy blade met my wrist again, harder than I meant it to. I let out a shaky breath.

"Fucking stop!" Kellin screamed at me, but I was too far gone. I shook my head furiously, tearing at my arms. I looked up to see Kellin's expression, and I knew that I wasn't hurting myself anymore, I was hurting him.

"I can't do this Kellin, I can't, I-I'm done and I just don't want our goodbye to be-"

"Stop, stop talking," He interrupted, snatching my blade out of my hand and throwing it into the pond.

"What the hell!" I screamed at him, trying to claw out of his grip, but Kellin's arm were tightly wrapped around me.

His lips met mine, but I still struggled. I loved it when he kissed me, but now was not the time. He pulled away, astonished that I wasn't settling. But I couldn't. I was fired up and I didn't have the mental capacity to think anything through. His grip loosened, and quickly, we were both standing up. I started off by hurrying over to the picnic table where my container was.

"You aren't gonna quite, are you?" He yelled after me. I kept walking, then snatched my bag. I needed to leave.

"So, it won't help if I say that I think I'm in love with you?" He yelled again, causing me to freeze in my tracks.

My mind left the state I was in and went somewhat back to normal. I was working a thousand miles per hour, re-reading and connecting what Kellin had just said. Kellin's figure appeared near me again, probably since I had been frozen in place for a few minutes. I couldn't move, I really wanted to though.

I watched as Kellin grabbed my hand and kissed me gently again, but this time I didn't struggle. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me into him as he kissed me harder and deeper. I've never experienced this feeling before, but whatever it was was abnormal.

I finally wrapped my arms around his neck and relaxed myself, moving against him slightly. He pulled away for a second and rested his forehead on mine, causing me to smile slyly.

"When you say goodbye, I want you to be healed," Was all he said before tears streamed from my eyes again. I nodded. I could do that much for him, right?

"I also just wanna say...thank you for everything Vic. I'm not sorry that this is our goodbye, I know I'll see you again. We won't be separated..." He laughed a little at the end, nervously as well.

"W-Wait? When are you-"

"Now that's a secret isn't it?" I looked into his big, green eyes and nodded. He was right. When Kellin dies is a secret, but I was eager to know. And how?

"H-how are you going to-"

"That's," He stopped me with his finger. "Now that's another secret, goodbye Vic." Was this it?

This was my goodbye to Kellin Quinn? He kissed me once more before dragging his feet up the path.

"Hey Kellin!" I yelled swiftly.

"Yeah?"

"I...I love you too." He smiled at me and waved. Tears fell from my eyes with ease. Never did I think a goodbye would be so hard.

So there you have it. The last time I'll ever see Kellin, and I don't even know when, where, or how he's going to do it, but he will. One thing I've learned about Kellin is if he's committed to something, there's no going back.

I know love is a strong emotion and word, but I think it fits for Kellin. We both never felt loved, until each of us came into one another's lives. He didn't know I thought about him every night, or that I even shed tears because of how much I care about him. He was the biggest impact on my life, like no one else was. And for that, he deserved to be loved by me. And I was the same.

Honestly, I can't be upset that Kellin's going to commit suicide. I'm the same. One of us was going to go first. I'm just fortunate that I got to spend some time with him while he was still here.

So Kellin Quinn, if you're dead or alive, thank you because no one has made me feel like you have. And no matter what, it's gonna get better.

-

"Vic? Vic where are you?" My mom yelled. I sat up in my bed quickly, sliding out from under the sheets and out into the living room. I glanced at the calender and I realized that two days away is my birthday. The day I die. It's almost over.

"What?" I yelled after snapping out of my trance.

"T-the n-news and um...um this." She was shaking, which was unusual. My mom never acted like this. She handed me a slip of paper, my name written neatly on the front.

I turned my attention to the paused TV. The remote was on the table, so I picked it up and pressed play.

"Top story today, seventeen year old Kellin Quinn was found dead after jumping off the radio stations tower last night. Witnesses say they saw a figure on top of the tower, but help didn't make it in time. We send out our best apologies and prayers to his family." He did it. He was dead.

God bless Kellin Quinn.