Confessions of a Cheater
Losing Myself
I turned down my street with about 4 blocks to walk. The night was coming to an end and the birds had started singing. A few more cars roamed the streets than there were two hours before. Their headlights blearing into my eyes. I squinted. I was breathless. A smile crept upon my face.
The first block passed and I could see my home sitting on the hill. I began to feel the guilt race through my veins. A cold feeling over coming my body. What had I done? Am I really ready for this relationship? I have to tell Josiah. He will find out, and I will lose him forever. But if I tell him myself, I might have a chance of keeping him. Is that really what I wanted?
Before that night everything was simple. I was in my graduate year studying art. I had been offered a collaboration opportunity to work with four of my idols. My current pass rate was 100% and I was looking to graduating with honors. The first in my family to make it to University, the first to graduate, and the first to have a degree under my belt. I played netball like many girls my age, and I was able to play in the regional team from my area. I had moved into my parents rental so we could save money to go to Europe the following year. When I thought about what I wanted my life to look like in the future this is what I saw.
A growing woman in a stable relationship with one of the towns top blokes. Within the year I would be engaged to him, a proposal done in Europe. My artwork would be installed in major art galleries around the country. Within 5 years, Josiah and I would have been married with a small budget wedding and lots of alcohol, smiles and laughter. Construction on our house would have been approved and started with a baby on the way. By 80 I would have had two children, a girl named Delilah, and a boy named Atlas. Both of my children happily married because of the successful marriage I had modeled for them, graduates from University living healthy lifestyles and moderately wealthy from hard work. Between the two of them, they would have given me four grandkids and I could be around them with Josiah every step of their lives.
My life plan, however picky it might sound, was actually in turmoil before this night. But it didn't matter because I could adapt it to whatever Josiah was comfortable with. No matter how amazing he was, he could never leave this town. His mother had already convinced him that we should wait till after we have kids to travel. And he had said numerous times that he was waiting for a sign to propose to me. The fact was, that before that night I didn't mind waiting till having kids to travel. I didn't mind waiting to be proposed to, just as long I was waiting with Josiah. But that was before that night.
On my walk home, everything changed. I didn't think I deserved Josiah. I didn't want to make him fall in love with someone as clumsy and faithless as me. And despite thinking I could never ever cheat on someone I had. So did I even know myself? Did I even know who I was, and what values I had? On this straight and narrow street to go home, I had ventured off into reality and become lost. I just didn't know what I wanted any more. I just knew I didn't want to hurt Josiah. Ever.
The first block passed and I could see my home sitting on the hill. I began to feel the guilt race through my veins. A cold feeling over coming my body. What had I done? Am I really ready for this relationship? I have to tell Josiah. He will find out, and I will lose him forever. But if I tell him myself, I might have a chance of keeping him. Is that really what I wanted?
Before that night everything was simple. I was in my graduate year studying art. I had been offered a collaboration opportunity to work with four of my idols. My current pass rate was 100% and I was looking to graduating with honors. The first in my family to make it to University, the first to graduate, and the first to have a degree under my belt. I played netball like many girls my age, and I was able to play in the regional team from my area. I had moved into my parents rental so we could save money to go to Europe the following year. When I thought about what I wanted my life to look like in the future this is what I saw.
A growing woman in a stable relationship with one of the towns top blokes. Within the year I would be engaged to him, a proposal done in Europe. My artwork would be installed in major art galleries around the country. Within 5 years, Josiah and I would have been married with a small budget wedding and lots of alcohol, smiles and laughter. Construction on our house would have been approved and started with a baby on the way. By 80 I would have had two children, a girl named Delilah, and a boy named Atlas. Both of my children happily married because of the successful marriage I had modeled for them, graduates from University living healthy lifestyles and moderately wealthy from hard work. Between the two of them, they would have given me four grandkids and I could be around them with Josiah every step of their lives.
My life plan, however picky it might sound, was actually in turmoil before this night. But it didn't matter because I could adapt it to whatever Josiah was comfortable with. No matter how amazing he was, he could never leave this town. His mother had already convinced him that we should wait till after we have kids to travel. And he had said numerous times that he was waiting for a sign to propose to me. The fact was, that before that night I didn't mind waiting till having kids to travel. I didn't mind waiting to be proposed to, just as long I was waiting with Josiah. But that was before that night.
On my walk home, everything changed. I didn't think I deserved Josiah. I didn't want to make him fall in love with someone as clumsy and faithless as me. And despite thinking I could never ever cheat on someone I had. So did I even know myself? Did I even know who I was, and what values I had? On this straight and narrow street to go home, I had ventured off into reality and become lost. I just didn't know what I wanted any more. I just knew I didn't want to hurt Josiah. Ever.