Odd Circumstances

Chapter Five

The drive home was near silent. Mum was sitting in the front seat as if in shock while grandpa and Jackie were snickering and passing notes in the back.

“You could have driven yourself, mum,” I said finally.

“No I couldn’t have,” she replied. “I had to declare bankruptcy last week. The bank’s taken my house and I’ve had to sell the Mercedes.”

“This is why you always try to save your money,” grandpa whispered to Jackie. “Don’t spend it all in one go, see.”

“It helps when you’re on the right side of inheritance,” mum said.

“I fail to see how you filing for bankruptcy is my fault, mum,” I said. “Or the circumstances leading up to it, for that matter.”

“Don’t you understand, Phil?” she said, looking at me crossly. “This isn’t about the money. Not to me. This is about the social standing. You were always your father’s favourite, and I don’t know where I went wrong to make it get to the point where we weren’t equals in his eyes.”

“He could have been a misogynist,” Jackie whispered.

“He was never a misogynist,” mum said. “He was a cheater, but he always respected women. No, I think I went wrong the day I told him that we had to send Phil to a private school.”

“I resented that too, mum,” I said. “We aren’t even Anglican.”

“I always assumed my wife was more of an agnostic or a deist, really,” grandpa said. “Well, until I had the bright idea to come out of the closet to her.”

“But was it really necessary to talk him into letting you change schools?” mum said.

“Well, yeah,” I said. “That school sucked.”

“The school you went to afterwards was down the road from housing commission!” she said, her eyes wide.

“It’s how I learned how to be a proper homie and sell rock on the block, cuz,” I said. “Besides, it’s not like I actually need a good education; all I’ve ever had to do is sign some forms and see my accountant a few times a year.”

“Because you had property that should have been mine,” mum said.

“And now we’re back where we started,” I said. “We went from money to dad back to money.”

“Oh, alright,” mum said. “It’s about money.”

“But what are you going to do?” I said. “The two of you had already signed the divorce papers when he died, and he was in the process of moving out. You can’t possibly have any legal entitlement to any of it.”

“You’re right, I probably don’t,” she said. “But I’m your mother, and you should at least visit me from time to time.”

“Last time I visited you, you were drunk and informed me the worst mistake you ever made was not aborting me,” I said.

“I was drunk,” she said. “You weren’t meant to take what I said seriously.”

“It was eight in the morning and you’d been on a three day bender,” I said. “When, exactly, was I supposed to take you seriously at all?”

“Do they always fucking end up like this?” Jackie said.

“Yeah, I think so,” grandpa said.

“Look, I just need a place to crash,” mum said. “Just for a couple of weeks, until I can find a unit to rent out and fill out some Centrelink bullshit.”

“You can stay, but you can’t drink,” I said.

“That should be easy enough to do,” grandpa said. “Phil doesn’t even have an RSA.”

“And I expect you not to blow up my kitchen,” I added.

“When have I ever blown up a kitchen?” mum said, her tone bordering on outrage.

“You set fire to our kitchen once when you were twelve,” grandpa said.

“I thought you were out with the midget that day,” mum said.

“That was after his heart attack,” I said. “I was with the fireman then.” He paused and said, “Well, I certainly was after he put out the fire.”

Jackie started laughing. “How many affairs have you had, exactly?”

“Let’s see…” Grandpa started counting off on his fingers. “There was the midget, the fireman, the principal, the garbageman, the priest, the construction worker, the doctor, the bartender, the mayor, the football coach, the dog breeder, the farmer, the policeman and the journo. About a dozen, I think.”

“That’s fourteen,” Jackie said.

“And you’ve had it up the nasty with a mayor?” I said.

“He later said he didn’t have sexual relations with me,” grandpa said.

We pulled up into my driveway and got out of the car. “So what are you going to do now grandma knows you’re gay?” I said.

“Get a divorce probably,” grandpa said. “I ain’t going to no marriage counselor and I’m certainly not going to see a priest about this. I haven’t been in a church for twenty-five years.”

“Maybe she’ll want a fucking exorcism,” Jackie said as she ran towards the door.

“Phil, your friend’s got the energy of a two year old,” mum said.

“It’s because I have ADHD, motherfucker,” Jackie said.

“Oh, and Phil, I’m going to need a place to crash as well,” grandpa said. “I’ll be in the same bedroom I had before.”

“And hey Jackie, how come we’re pretending to be in a relationship if you don’t even talk to your parents?” I said as I opened the door.

“I got an email from them a few weeks ago,” she said. “They said they knew I live in this town and that they’re going to visit me.”

“Oh, so they’re like me and my wife?” grandpa said. “We just randomly rock up and visit people without warning.”

“Pretty much,” Jackie said.

Then we pulled up in my driveway and stepped out of the car. Mum was slower than grandpa to get out, which didn’t surprise me too much. We silently stood outside in a circle for a while, and then walked inside.