I Only Want To See You

School. What a waste for someone like me. The last of my vision was dissolving away by the time I was eight and now I have to stumble through the wide doors of my high school. There's a huge part of me that wants to just call it quits for good because I know what's awaiting me behind those big doors. Torment.

I'm not even a foot in my door when all a sudden a hand waves in front of my face, but I can't see it. "Hey, can you see me?!" The voice shouts, the sound is almost like its right in my ear. The heightened senses I've become equipped with immediately react to the sudden loudness and a ringing that blares through my ears is followed by the voice. The noises around me become intense and start shouting out so loudly that my hands have to fly up to my ears to die it down a bit.

No luck though, the ringing only intensifies and there is this feeling of my ears bleeding. My mouth opens for a scream to come out but I can't hear it, the only thing I can hear is the blood in my head scratching inside my skull. My feet urge me to move forward, to escape the painful noise. I close my eyes and push forward.

Everything in that few feet passes through my system in such an intense matter that I can't believe it. I can smell everything. I can taste the air, hear the wind echo loudly, and I can feel it all sink through my pores. There's no escaping my senses, not anymore. I used to pretend things would get better, that I'd be able to see, but no such luck. The diagnosis has left me frail in my own mind. Now what?

As expected I don't make it far without my hearing- the ringing is persistent and overtakes everything else- and I trip over something. The loud roar of laughter hollers into my ears. A new wave of sound, rough and loud, breaks through the previous ring of a barrier. I open my eyes and nothing is visible, it's all black. There's no difference between the open and the closed. It's just something you get used to, having your sightless eyes open. The look of nothing brings me back to reality. I do not belong in a school designed for the sighted.

A loud voice is saying my name as it shakes me violently.

"What.?" I mumbled groggily. I was sleeping, and to my advantage I found out I could see in my dreams. They weren't clear but they were clear enough for me. The images varied but so beautiful in the sense that I could just see them. They were always things I'd already seen before. I wish I wouldn't have ever seen anything, I want to have been born blind so I wouldn't have to know what I'm missing.

"Wake up sweetie." I recognize the distress cry. It was my mom.

"Where am I?" I ask a little dazed.

"Home. You passed out at school after tripping over someone's backpack." She says quietly in her world, loudly in mine. "I told you it was a bad idea for you to go back to school! You need to be home schooled. It's not safe."

"Stop it!" I yell at her. I didn't like the talk about safety. I was perfectly able to handle myself. "I'm going back to school and you can't stop me." I knew I didn't belong there, but I had to try. I HAD to try. Failure isn't something I've ever liked.

My mother sighs out and then makes a stuttered cry. "The school won't let you back."

"What?" I inquire, disbelief in my voice.

"They said that your a walking lawsuit, that they couldn't handle it if something bad happened to you and they had to pay up."

"That's not fair!" I scream. I hurl my body up and then immediately fall back down as the spinning in my head comes full on. I rest my hand on my forehead, it feels cool and soothing against the unbearable heat generating off me.

"I know." She replies in her lying tone. There was something else. Something she was hiding from me.

"What aren't you telling me?" I immediately accuse.

"Nothing..." She says innocently.

"Bull I can hear it behind your voice. What aren't you telling me?!" My ears were already making them self handy in this new situation. I never fought with my mother but when I did I could hear the lies in her voice.

My mother sighs again and then gives in. "They said you could come back. On a few conditions though. One we have to sign a legal document that says they are not responsible for anything that happens to you while your on school grounds. Two you need permission from your doctor, a signed note saying its okay for you to go back. And three you either need to have a walking stick or seeing eye dog." My mother states dully. She's allergic to dogs.

"That's it?" I say shortly.

"That's a lot to be just that's it. I don't even know if your doctor is going to approve of you going back to school. And I'm not sure I want to sign a document. If something did happen to you it is there fault whether they like to think so or not. They're lucky I don't sue them for what happened today." She says angrily.

"I tripped on a backpack mom." I say. Its more reason of my stupidity than the actual fact I'm blind. I think any sane person would know not to run with their eyes closed... Pun intended.

"I know sweetie." She strokes my head and my body shivers under her freezing hands.

"Mom..." I say after a few short seconds of silence.

"Yes baby?"

"I want a dog."