I Only Want To See You

I feel so anxious these days. I seem to be more than willing to let my life slip right by. My day is so zoned out and I'm always in a daze letting time disappear almost completely. People ask me questions and I answer them of course, but they are with no depth or thought. It's a mindless process that carries me in and out of sleep all day. Sometimes I think I can't make any friends because I am practically dead. It's true, I know it is, I know when you look at me you see no life form what so ever. Just an empty body gliding around soulless.

The psychologist I'm seeing says its from the now and forever permit loss of sight. I know that's not true, it's Will. It has to be. I've lived with my disease since I'm eight. I've only lived with out Will for two weeks now. I have never felt this...empty before. It's not until he told me he didn't want anything to do with me.

My life is slipping away. I wake up and I'm already counting the hours till I get home from school, already counting off the weekdays till the weekend, and especially counting the weeks till my next seasonal break. This time it's Christmas and I'm, thank the sweet lord, at the jumping off point. I only have one more class and I'm free for two whole weeks. I can sleep and not have to worry about waking up to another lonely day at school.

I'm at my locker feeling my way around for my History text book and I can hear Max's nose breathe in and out quickly and roughly as he sniffs around for a smell that obviously appeals to him. Most likely pot stashed in one of my neighbor's lockers. I tell him to cut it out and then hear a low grumble in the pit of his throat.

"Max." I say firmly. He doesn't stop, just continues to growl. "Max. Stop it now!" I yell at him and then smack him lightly on the head with my hand.

A whimper of defeat and frustration escapes his lips. He follows that up with a a sigh and then a thud indicating he fell to the ground.

I crease my face in confusion and look down at Max. "What's wrong with you?" I press curiously. He doesn't ever act like this.

"Cute dog." I hear a female voice say to me in a supple and nectarous voice. She approaches a few feet in front of me and her body spray or whatever she uses hits my nose and sets my taste buds into mode. She smells very good combining a honey-vanilla tone to just the right amount, not to much or not to little.

"Oh thanks. His name is Max." I tell her in a dead-tone.

"Do you mind if I pet him?" Her voice is way to sweet and I'm tempted to tell her yes.

I frown apologetically. "Sorry, maybe some other time he's acting up right now and I wouldn't want him to bite you."

"Oh, it's cool. I'm Erin." She grabs my hand and shakes it warmly. If it was any body else I'd probably sick Max on them for touching me uninvited. But because it was her, a stranger I just met, I let it slide. She was so nice and gentle. She didn't seem like she'd be a bad person.

"I'm-" I start in but am interrupted when an all to familiar voice drifts into my ears.

"Erin?" Will says in a tone that almost sounds angry.

"Will?" I ask in a blind note.

"Why are you guys talking?" I can tell just by the way he says it the question is directed towards me.

"We were just talking. She thought Max was cute..."

"This is my girlfriend." Will tells in a very direct and hurtful manner.

I stop for a minute and let those four words hang around in my ears, repeating themselves over and over and over again.

"Who is this Will?" Erin asks in confusion.

"No one. Lets go to class." He mumbles in coherently.

I hear him pull Erin away and she begins asking him questions sounding just as confused as I am, but for different reasons obviously. There voices fade away and my entire body becomes numb with depression of the thought.

Will has a girlfriend...

A really nice one too...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I decided not to go to my final class. It seemed pointless to go, I wouldn't even be thinking about History , so I'd be just as absent as I am now. So instead I had Max drag me around town, for the last hour or so. No one seemed to think it was odd that I was out of school early because no one came up and questioned me. Nope, most people just let me be as I wandered around aimlessly.

I didn't think much I just let myself feel sad and lonely. Thinking about it would make things worse so I stored it away and let it hide until the right moment came for it to escape.

I think it was about 4 o'clock when I decided to go home, and to my surprise I had a visitor, Will.

"Hi Will." I tell him weakly.

"I can't stay long." He tells me dully.

"Um okay?" I hadn't even asked him to stay...

"I came to tell you about Erin." He whispers angrily.

"Your a little late. And sides why do would I care. You don't want anything to do with me right?"

He sighs and the crunching of the snow lets me know he's walking closer to me. His presence is close of enough now to have my four useful sense pick up on him. "I know you all to well. We've been friends for the longest time and I know how you really feel about me..."

My stomach drops a little at the thought of what he's indicating. How could he know that?

"I know you like me more than just a friend. That's why I didn't tell you about Erin."

Shit. He knew what I thought was my best kept secret. It was true, I loved Will more than just a friend. I always had. I didn't want to because I valued or friendship so much and I knew my crush would always get in the way. So I avoided my feelings as best as I could and try to rid them completely. But it never fully worked, my love for him always trailed behind our friendship like a dead animal. Starting to become more obvious the longer I kept ignoring it.

"And you don't feel the same way..." I ask him quietly.

"I'm sorry, but I don't."

The cold air howled to the silence of the moment and I felt all my integrity blow away with the wind. There was really nothing left for me. I'd been rejected twice by the only person I truly cared about, I don't think there's any kind of emotional pain that can top what I feel now.

"I have to go." Will tells me quickly and begins to walk away. His footsteps are loud at first then distant as he disappears completely from my life. And I find myself standing out in the cold with the same feeling of losing my sight all over again.