Archaic Kinds of Fun

i'm squirrel girl

“Agent Barton, can we help you?” Bruce shuffled a little and tried not to meet anyone’s eyes, because he’s not good with new introductions. Jo said that Reed and Sue were nice people, but nice people don’t always want people like him in the house.

“Yeah, Tony’s supposed to be here,” Clint said and crossed his arms.

“We have also brought the one called Arcade,” Thor added. The unconscious man is slung over the god’s shoulder, and Thor hasn’t said much on the ride here. It could be because of what that gas made Thor see, or it could be because Deadpool talks enough for all of them. Sue leaned around Clint’s body to see all of them, and Bruce caught the quick narrowing of her eyes.

“Agent Barton, Thor, Dr. Banner, all of you are welcome here,” Sue said with a slight smile.

“What about me?!” Deadpool yelled and started jumping.

“You are not allowed in the house. If you come in, we’ll make a cell for you too.” Sue’s voice was calm and her smile was sweet, but Bruce felt just a little bit colder at the words.

“What did I ever do to you?!”

“You almost got Johnny killed.”

“Yeah, almost. He’s still around, right? Yo, Johnny!” The sudden yell almost had Bruce’s ears ringing, and he looked over at Deadpool.

“He’s not here! He went with the others to look for Doom.”

“That’s where Tony and Jo are?” Clint asked. Deadpool is sulking next to him. At least, it looks like he’s sulking. His arms are crossed and his chin is nearly touching his chest.

“Yes,” Reed answered before Sue could say anything.

“We should get Arcade inside,” Sue whispered. Reed nodded and asked them to follow him, but Bruce hung back. They said Deadpool wasn’t allowed inside, and he can’t be left alone outside.

“Bruce?” Clint’s looking over his shoulder at him, and the archer is still covered in dried blood. He needs to get cleaned up and rest.

“I’m going to stay with Deadpool. We’ll be fine.” The others looked like they wanted to argue, but Clint let out a pained groan to catch their attention. The archer winked at him before letting Reed pull him away, and Bruce watched as the front door closed.

“What are you playin’ at, Doc?” He can’t actually see Deadpool’s face because of the mask, but it looks like the mercenary might be raising an eyebrow. Bruce shrugged, because he’s not playing at anything.

“Seemed wrong to leave you outside alone,” was his answer. Maybe it’s because of their regeneration or some other factor, but neither of them seem to be bothered by the cold. Bruce can see some benches farther out, under some barren trees, and that’s where he went. He can hear Deadpool walking behind him, humming so not completely quiet, and he carefully sat down.

“Why do ya care, Doc?” There’s that nickname again. No one ever casually called him that until Jo.

“Because Jo does.” It’s the simplest answer than he can give. For some reason, Jo cares about Deadpool. Loves him, even. She probably won’t be happy when she hears that Deadpool wasn’t allowed in the house.

“Wanna hear some old stories about your lady love?” Deadpool had jumped up so that he was sitting on the back of the bench, feet planted next to where Bruce is sitting, and he’s looking down at Bruce with what appears to be a smile.

"What kind of stories?" Deadpool's head was thrown back in a laugh, a laugh that shook the entire bench, and the sound was Bruce can’t imagine what it’s like to be so free, or uninhibited.

“Our story, duh. Sit back, Doc, and I’ll tell you all about little Josie. We’re starting at the beginning too, back when she was a baby tank. Eight years old and stupid in the way that only kids can be. Fearless and stupid.”

March 1995

That one half metal guy is going to pay him a pretty penny to kill Wolverine. Or was it the guy with the lumpy head that’s going to pay him for Wolverine’s death? Not that Deadpool has any room to talk about lumpy heads, he’s seen his own in the mirror, but that guy had somethin’ extra goin’ on. Not the point. He’s getting off track. He’s trackin’ Wolverine, and a lot of money is gonna come his way once the old mutant has finally kicked it.

He remembers James Howlett. He met him before…before he became Deadpool. Before he got his awesome regeneration powers! Which came from Wolverine, oddly enough. Does that make them brothers? Can he kill his brother? He can if the price is right, and the price is really high. Sky high. Into another universe high. Wolverine doesn’t even remember him. Got shot with a bullet made of adamantium right in the cranium, and he lost all his memories. Last time Deadpool saw him, few years ago, the older mutant didn’t even recognize him! Didn’t even recognize his own name. Said his name was Logan now, which is a lame name. Logan, really? And he thought Wolverine was bad.

He’s sleepin’. With both eyes closed. Deadpool is squatting in some bushes, the flowers smell nice and tickle his nose even through the mask, and he can see the house clearly. No house should have windows that big. Don’t they know people can see inside? Yeah, they’re in the woods, but still. People could be hiding in the bushes, like him. Wolverine is kicked back in a recliner, with both eyes closed, and his mouth is open. The old bastard’s actually snorin’. He can’t sense anyone else in the house. Wolverine may have animal like reflexes, but Deadpool is fast. He can be inside in a flash (ha, in a flash, like The Flash). Wolverine will never know what hit him.

“What ya doin’ in there?” The little voice is such a shock that he tumbles out of the bushes and onto the nicely mowed lawn, and a little face looks at his upside down. Long brown hair is spilling over her shoulders and brushing against the neck of his mask, and a pair of big dark green eyes are looking right at him.

“Don’t ya know it’s rude to scare people?” he asked her. He spun around so that he was sitting indian-style, facing the little thing. She’s not very young, seven or eight, and she propped her little hands on her hips.

“Don’t ya know it’s rude to hide in the bushes? You coulda hurt the flowers!” She stomped her foot at the end to punctuate her point, and Deadpool drummed his fingers against his knees. He’s dripping in weapons and being lectured about flower care by a kid.

“Aren’t you scared of me?” She should be. He’s here to kill the man inside her house. She shook her head, which made her long hair swing around her little body, and poked her thumb against her chest.

“I’m indestructible!” That’s a big word for her age. Wait, indestructible…she’s a mutant. Did Wolverine have a kid when Deadpool wasn’t paying attention?

“Oh yeah, me too.”

“Logan is too, but he’s stronger than me. I bet he’s stronger than you too.” The little girl’s smile was smug, and she called him Logan. Must not be Wolverine’s brat then.

“I’ll have to fight him and see.” He’s smiling under the mask, probably an evil looking smile, but the little girl just huffed and shook her head.

“That’s just dumb. You should arm wrestle him!”

“Arm wrestle?” His head tilted to the side, and the little girl copied him.

“Yeah! Wanna try it?” She dropped onto the ground so that she was sitting directly in front of him, and she leaned forward to place her elbow on the grass. At her raised eyebrow and little huff, he did the same. Their palms clapped as they locked hands, and she smiled at him wide enough to show her little teeth.

“I’m gonna win,” he pointed out. He pushed against her hand, felt the little bit of resistance, and stopped. It’d be easy to beat a child at an arm wrestling competition, and she’s biting the inside of her cheek as her eyebrows pull together in concentration. She’s pushing against him, and he can feel the strength she’ll have one day. He doesn’t remember being a kid, doesn’t remember a lot of things. He’s not a good person, he’s a mercenary that’s here to do a job, but… “Dammit, you beat me!”

“Take that, mister!” Her little fists are raised in the air, and he’s shaking his hand as if she actually hurt him. Her smile is radiant, like a little sun, and her laugh sounds like birds singing.

“You win, this time,” he said and pointed at her. She smiled at him again, all teeth, and stuck her hand out.

“Josephine Holbrook, but my ma just calls me Jo.” Such a small little thing. She doesn’t know anything about this filthy fucking world; it’s been a very long time since he’s seen something so innocent.

“De—Wade. Wade Wilson,” he said and shook her little hand in his.

“Why’s your face all covered up like that, Wade?”

“Because I’m hiding,” he whispered, like it was a secret. It’s not a complete lie. His face, his body, his everything is ruined. All torn apart and pieced back together. Little hands lifted into the air, and he held still as soft palms touched against his cheeks. Her hands moved over his chin, his nose, traced around his eyes, and ran over the back of his skull. He knows that the little girl can feel the deformities, even through the mask, but it didn’t stop her.

“Ma says that looks aren’t important. You can see a real person by lookin’ into their eyes. Can I see your eyes?” she asked excitedly. His face has sent grown men scrambling for some place to puke, so a child doesn’t stand a chance. Still, he didn’t move as her little hands lifted the material off his neck and slowly peeled it upwards.

“Not very pretty, hmm?” Her hands are on the bare skin of his cheeks now, and he wants to flinch from the touch. It hurts. It always hurts. Even the touch of her small hands makes him feel like he’s in agony. It doesn’t stop him from smiling.

“Like caramel.” The word is drawled in her little accent, carmel instead of car-a-mel. “I think you’re very pretty, Mister Wade.”

“Deadpool!” His name is a growl, and he rolls his mask back down as he gets to his feet. Looks like Wolverine is awake now, and the claws have come out. Adamantium, not bone. The adamantium is more badass, but Deadpool misses the bone claws. They didn’t hurt as much.

“Long time no see!” he called back.

“You know Logan?” Jo asks. She’s looking up at him, with her big dark eyes, and the places where her hands had touched throb with fresh pain.

“You could say we’re like brothers.” The answer makes Logan huff, but little Jo squeals. She jumps forward to wrap her arms around his legs, effectively locking his knees together, and he looks down at her in confusion. She shouldn’t be holding onto him. He’s gotta kill Wolverine now, and she’ll get hurt if she doesn’t let go.

“Uncle Wade!” The name makes both of the men freeze, but Jo doesn’t let go. She might not call Logan some affectionate name, but she clearly sees the other man as a father figure. Can he kill family? Is the price high enough? He pulled her arms away from his so that he could kneel down, and he could feel Wolverine’s eyes on him. Wary. Afraid. Wolverine is afraid. For Jo.

“Can I kill Logan?” Her little brows drew together again and then she vehemently started shaking her head.

“No! We don’t hurt family! Right, Logan?” She looked over her shoulder at the other man, who still has his claws out, and he shook his head. “See? We don’t hurt family. It’s wrong.”

“It’s wrong,” he repeated. He threw out his moral code a long time ago, back when he realized that what he did best was kill. Kill, kill, kill. Now he can’t be killed, no one can put an end to him, and he’s still only good at one thing. He kills for money, he kills for pride, he kills for fun. Laws mean nothing to him. Rules mean nothing to him. He has no structure, no laws, no rules. Can she be his moral compass? This little girl who will one day grow up to be just as strong as him?

“Uncle Wade?” The name makes a vein in Wolverine’s forehead throb, and that’s enough for him to like the new name.

“I won’t kill anyone that you don’t want me to. I promise, Josie.” The name causes her brows to furrow again, and she sticks out her pinky.

“You hafta pinky promise or it doesn’t count.” He raises his gloved pinky finger and links it with hers, and she smiles at him as they shake on it. He won’t kill Wolverine. Logan. Jo doesn’t want him to. You don’t hurt family.

“See ya around, Josie!”

October 1999

“Psst, Josie! Over here!” He’s hiding in a bush, why is he always in a bush, and a pair of dark green eyes found him. She skipped away from the other mutant children and sat down with her back to the bush, but she looked over her shoulder to smile at him.

“Yo, Uncle Wade. How’s it goin’?” She’s thirteen now, little Josie. She’s been at the fancy mutant school for about three years now, and she looks happy. She doesn’t have to hold back here, doesn’t have to be afraid of a human learning her secret.

“Just checkin’ in on my best girl.” He’s actually in the area because he had a quota to meet, and it’s a good thing that his suit doesn’t show bloodstains.

“You’re such a weirdo, Uncle Wade.” It’s said with a roll of her eyes, but she’s still smiling. His little Josie. She’s not always sweet, but she’s so innocent. So clean. So much different than he is. “Hey, Uncle Wade?”

“Yo?” Her soft voice sounded tentative, and that’s not his Josie. She’s fearless, in the way that only the good of heart can be.

“Logan, he, uh, got his memories back. All of them. I heard him talkin’ to Jean, the bitch—”

“Language, young lady!” The admonition just makes her laugh, a soft tinkling sound like wind chimes, and she starts to pull at the grass next to her.

“Well, she is. I know she’s leadin’ Logan on, but he’s so in love that he can’t tell. That’s not what’s important. What’s important is—”

“He recovered all his memories.” Her dark eyes cut over at him, but he just smiled right on.

“Would you let me finish? Don’t ya know it’s rude to interrupt people?”

“Please, continue,” he said and waved a hand at her.

“I overheard him talkin’ to Jean, about the things he remembered. He’s like really old, ya know that? He remembers fightin’ in all these wars, and he remembers being part of a team. With you, and his brother. Said you were an ass back then, his words not mine, and he remembers what that man did to him. Stryker? He remembers gettin’ the adamantium. Remembers you too. The cancer? The Weapon X program? It’s all just so damn sad.”

“You kiss your mother with that mouth?” The words feel numb on his tongue, because he can remember too. Remember all the things he did under Stryker’s orders, remembers what it was like learning that he had cancer. He was going to die. Going to die. The doctors, that one evil fuck, made him indestructible. Regretted it in the end. The doctor, not Deadpool. He’s alive, which is more than he can say for the good doctor.

“Is that why you’re…you know, your face, and, uh,” Jo stuttered out. She’s still too young to think about things like this. Things like death missions and ruined bodies.

“The cancer, the tumors, went everywhere. Spread like mold. Boom! You still think I’m pretty though, right?” Jo twisted to look at him with her big innocent eyes, and he shouldn’t be here. There’s blood on his suit and a little bit of guts still stuck to his boots.

“The prettiest,” she said with a big smile. A dimple showed in her left cheek, and he reached out to lightly poke the indentation. She laughed and swatted at his hand, and the sound of her laugh was almost soothing to his never-ending brain chemistry.

“Get back to school, before you get in trouble,” he said and nudged her shoulder.

“You’ll come back to visit? I promise not to tell Logan.” He held out a pinky finger, and she quickly shook it with her own. She jumped up and ran off to join the others, and he watched the way that the sunlight was caught in her hair. He’s surrounded by death. He makes it with his hands. Flirts with it every time someone tries to rip him apart. Jo is a spark of light. If Logan lets anything happen to that light, Deadpool might have to actually kill him.

April 2004

“Whatcha doin’ up here?” She’s sitting in a tree just outside of the school grounds, which makes it a little easier for him. Sneaking into Xavier’s mansion is never easy, but he’s always up for a challenge.

“Got into a fight with Logan.” Jo’s light has dimmed since her mother died last year, so Logan shouldn’t be fighting with the girl.

“What’s he grumpy about this time?” Deadpool sat down on the branch across from her, and he felt her dark eyes on him. Some people can’t stand to look at him, but little Josie has never shied away from him.

“You know what prom is, right?”

“A dance for hormone-fueled teenagers. Oh, Josie, you didn’t! Not at prom! It’s a cliché!” Her laugh filled the space around them, such a soft and quiet sound, but he felt himself pouting.

“Yeah, it’s a cliché, but sometimes it’s nice to just feel normal.” Mutant kids don’t always have that luxury. Jo’s had it lucky, born to mutant parents, with a mother that loved her unconditionally.

“Was it at least good?”

“Uncle Wade!” She tossed a pine cone at him, and he let it roll off his chest as he laughed. She may be seventeen now, but she’s still so innocent. So young.

“I’m waiting,” he said in a sing-song voice. He listened to her sigh and saw her shift on the branch a little.

“It wasn’t with my prom date. Some of us went out into the city, to meet up with some humans we know, as an after party. There’s a guy that I’ve met a few times, nothing serious, and he happened to be there.”

“A human? Eww!” She threw another pine cone at him, this one just as ineffective as the first, but she didn’t stop talking.

“It was…okay. I don’t really see what the big fuss is all about. Yeah, it was fun and felt good, but it wasn’t the greatest thing ever.”

“You sure you did it right?”

“Don’t make me kick your ass.” He tutted at her dirty language, but they both know that he’s just joking. He can also see the problem now.

“How’d Logan find out?” He’s swinging his legs back and forth while he keeps the voices quiet. This time is just for him and Jo; he doesn’t need them interfering.

“I told him, duh.” Jo’s never called Logan her father, but he might as well be. It’s the only reason why she’d tell the older mutant that she did the horizontal tango for the first time. “Now he wants to know who the guy is, probably to break his face, but I’m not gonna give him a name. I’m never gonna see the guy again, so what’s the point?”

“Would you give me his name?”

“Not a chance, Uncle Wade.” Even in the darkness, she is light. She is the little bit of morality left in a shit-filled world. She is…she is. “Wanna race back to the mansion? See who can sneak in without getting caught?”

“You’re gonna lose, Josie!” he yelled as he jumped from the tree. He can hear her right behind him, laughing all the way.

September 2005

Jo is missing.

Wolverine is looking for her, hoping to track her. Find her. Save her.

Jo is missing.

The last time Deadpool saw her was the night of her graduation. Her long hair had been pinned back from her face, to show her flushed cheeks and bright eyes. She’d hugged him and poked him until he congratulated her on actually graduating, and they spent the night lying on the roof of the mansion. Logan knew he was there, because he could feel the angry mutant prowling in the room below them, but Logan let them have their moment.

Jo is missing.

She told him, as they traced random shapes in the stars, that she was going to travel. School wasn’t her thing, so she didn’t want to go to college. Her fingers mapped out a penguin as she talked about seeing the rest of the country, maybe going overseas. Asked him if he’d go with her, to all the best spots. He had a job coming up, couldn’t show her around the States, but he promised to take her overseas. To all the best places. The hidden places that the tourists don’t know about, so she could have the full experience.

Jo is missing.

After the exploring is over, she wants to be one of the X-Men. She’s strong, just like he knew she would be, and she wants to fight. He fights to kill, but little Josie is going to fight to save. She’ll be a good asset to the team. Strong, heals fast, thinks on her feet. Not before traveling, she reminds him. Because he’s already promised.

Jo is missing.

October 2006

Deadpool knows a SHIELD base when he sees one, even the most covert ones. That’s a SHIELD base. People come and go. He sees Wolverine a few times, sometimes with Anna Marie. The young girl looks haunted, like someone has died. It takes a little time, but he sneaks in. It’s dark and quiet, so he has to move quietly. Everyone is asleep, including the idiots in the control room. Maybe if he kills them they’ll send in better security. He’s still debating the idea when he sees her on the monitor, and that can’t be right.

Wolverine and Anna Marie are in the room, but the other girl can’t be Jo. Wolverine and Anna Marie are asleep on their little beds, but the third person is lying with her eyes open. She’s so thin that she looks like she could sink through the cracks and disappear. There’s no hair to hide the angry look in her eyes. Her dark, dark eyes. Her light is gone. Someone has died. Jo died. She died.

October 2007

It took Deadpool a year to hunt her down again, and he found her sitting in the ruins of a house. Parts of it have been burned into nothing but ash, but the structure remains. Jo’s sitting in the rubble with her back against one of the few posts left, and a pair of dark eyes look up at him. It’s been a year since she was in that place, and she’s one of SHIELD’s dogs now. He’s heard the chatter. They call her the Tank. Josie is a stone-cold killer. She’s in the dark now. With him. They killed her light.

“Yeah, I guess they did.” The sound is like a shot to the gut, from a bazooka. Jo’s soft and sweet voice is gone, replaced with gravel and anger.

“What did they do to you?”

“They did what they did to you,” one voice whispered.

“Can’t you see it?” a second voice asked.

“Your one source of morality is gone. Gone!” a third voice laughed. Jo flinched and wrapped her arms around her upraised knees, but she didn’t look away from him.

“They always that loud?” she asked. She can hear the voices. He knows what happened to her. Knows that they cut her open and added some stuff in. Knows that she’s a telepath.

“This is nothin’ compared to their usual chatter. Whatcha doin’ here, Josie?” She looked around her and flicked a pile of ashes with her finger.

“I killed them. They were a threat, so I took care of it. Fire is just a cover. This isn’t what I wanted, is it?” They laid on the rooftop and talked about her future.

“I still haven’t showed you all the best places,” he reminded her. They’re in Germany, but he can still show her. He can.

“I think I’m done with recreational traveling.” She slowly got to her feet and didn’t bother to knock off the ash clinging to her. She looks nothing like herself, not really. He heard that she was dating someone, Johnny Storm. Is he not helping her? “Johnny doesn’t like it when I talk about SHIELD, so I don’t talk about it. What’s there to say anyway? ‘Hi, honey! Guess what? I killed a family today! What’d you do?’ I’d rather forget everything when I’m with him, you know?”

“I know.” He looked at her and saw light, but they took that away. She hasn’t figured it out yet though; the light is still there, underneath all the other static. His Josie is still there. She’s just lost.

“Hey, Uncle Wade?” She slipped past him to stand on the sidewalk in front of the house, and the dim streetlight highlights the dark stains against her skin.


“Do you think he’s disappointed in me?” She’s talking about Logan; who else would she be talking about?

“You’re a survivor, Josie. ‘Course he’s proud.” He actually hasn’t run into Wolverine in a while, but he’s been looking over them for years. He knows love when he sees it, okay? And Logan loves Jo.

“Hmm, maybe.” She walked down the street, alone, and he didn’t try to stop her. She’s just as bright as she always was. It’s up to her to figure that out.

July 2012

Six years since being saved from that place. One year since her official retirement from SHIELD. She found him in France, tracking down some small-timer, and she even helped him dispatch the little cretin. Afterwards, they headed to Paris.

He’s watched her change, over the years. She started out so angry and hopeless, which got a little worse after things ended with her and Johnny Storm. It was for the best. Love doesn’t pick and choose which parts to love; it’s an all or nothing thing. He’s helped her on a few assignments over the years, along with some of the others. Natasha doesn’t like him; she mostly just shoots at him until he goes away. Which, rude. Clint is amused by him, and the feeling is mutual. The archer does everything he can to not kill; he’s a good friend for Jo. They’ve got into some trouble over the years, but everything has turned out okay.

“It feels good to just kick back,” Jo said and did just that. She threw her feet up on the fountain they were sitting next to, and Deadpool slumped over until his head was in her lap. She’s careful not to touch him these days. His looks don’t scare her; she doesn’t like hurting him. The telepathy…she can hear it when he’s in pain. Can hear the endless scream in the back of his mind as he’s forced to live with his tortured cells. Can hear the voices that make up his insanity. He can’t hide from the light anymore.

“Does this mean you’ve given up killin’ for good?” She hummed, a deep sound in her fire-tested throat.

“Nah. I’m sure there will always be situations where I’ll have to kill. I’ve made too many enemies over the years. Never say never, right?” She’s learned to accept the new parts of herself. Yeah, they took parts of her away, but she can regenerate. The new parts might be different, but it’s still her. Still Jo.

“You gonna join the X-Men now?” Her laugh is loud and sounds like the heavy rings of church bells.

“Definitely not. The girl that wanted that…well, she died a long time ago. She will be missed, but it’s time for me to move on.” It was his turn to hum, a sound not too different from hers, and he pushed the back of his skull against her thigh. The pain was immediate and searing, but it’s something that he’s used to.

“Ding-dong, the girl scout is dead!” a voice crowed.

“Such a tragedy. Do we send flowers?”

“How about a get-well card?”

“Your voices are assholes, you know that? Don’t they know it’s rude to talk shit?”

“I don’t think they care,” he answered honestly.

“Point,” Jo conceded. They can see the stars, and he watched as she raised one arm to start tracing shapes. A lopsided bush. A tree. A penguin. The light is a different shade, but it can still chase away the shadows. “That’s kinda beautiful, Uncle Wade. Who knew you were such a poet under all the insanity?”

“Ah, shuddup.” A laugh like battering rams…he’ll take that sound over wind chimes any day.

September 2, 2014

“Oh, my head. Tony! Tony, you okay?!” She feels like she got hit over the head with Thor’s hammer, and she can’t move. Something big and metal is restraining her. Arms, elbows, torso, knees, and ankles. She can turn her neck, but not nearly enough. Tony is across from her, still in his suit, but he’s out. What even happened? She was walking through some trees with Tony, and then there was that girl. Squirrel Girl. She wanted to join them, be an Avenger, and she laughed. Her and Tony laughed. Shit. She really hopes the girl is okay. Maybe she didn’t get picked up with them.

“Tony, I kinda need you to wake up. Right now. We are in deep shit, and I need your genius brain to get us out of this. TONY!” His eyes flew open at her mental yell, and Jo slumped against the metal restraining her. She really hates being restrained.

“What the—”

“I’m gonna assume Doom, since we were out looking for him. Can you get free?” Tony’s got metal bands wrapped around him too, but he might be a little stronger than her in the suit. She watched him struggle, shift from side to side, but nothing happened. Yep, they’re doomed. That’s not a pun either.

“It’s okay. I’ve got the JARVIS link-up. I’ll just alert Johnny and—OW! What the hell?!” Tony was shaking his head back and forth, face screwed up in pain, and Jo took a quick peak. There’s a loud screeching inside of Tony’s head, like the worst kind of static, and Jo heard herself cry out as she pulled back.

“What was that?!” she screeched. She’s never heard anything quite like it, and the inside of her mind feels all scrambled.

“That is my guarantee that neither of you will be able to escape.” Jo was able to turn her head just enough to look at Doom, and he looks the same as he did the last time she saw him. The metal mask over his face really freaks her out, and what’s with the hood?

“That’s dirty, even for you,” Tony said. Doom is constantly scrambling the electronics, so Tony can’t call out for help. Or even use that super powered brain of his to help them out.

“I did my homework.” He’s smiling under that mask. Jo can just feel it. “It’s nice to see you again as well, Josephine.”

“I’m punching you in the face as soon as I’m free,” she promised. She told Reed that she’d try not to kill him, but a little punch shouldn’t kill him. Just hurt him a little.

“You won’t get free. Tell me, Josephine, can your regeneration keep you alive if I drop you into the ocean? If I tie you to your boss and weigh you down? Will you live long enough to watch him die?” The metal restraints rattled as she pushed against them, but there was no give. She could hear herself snarl, a really ugly sound, but Doom just laughed.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. We’ll get out of this.”

“How?” Doom is still laughing, and he’s going to drop them into the ocean. Even her regeneration will give up if she’s left down there long enough, and Tony will drown long before she does.

“I don’t know.”


A closet? Doom shoved her into a closet? Just who does he think she is? She is so tired of people underestimating her! Well, maybe it’s okay just this once. If Doom doesn’t see her as a threat, it means that she has some wiggle room. With a quick shake to rejuvenate herself, Doreen got to her feet and looked around. Yep, definitely a closet. It doesn’t sound like Doom is anywhere close by, so she carefully cracked the door open. Coast is clear.

She stayed low to the ground as she crept around the aircraft, and she thanked her lucky stars for her superb hearing. Doom was moving off, farther away, and she slipped into the room he just left. Control room. Perfect. She found an outside speaker system, because she’s got smarts, and quickly held the button down. She spoke quickly, because time is of the essence, and she popped open the pouch on her belt when she was done. Monkey Joe stuck his head out and glared up at her, but she just shrugged. She didn’t mean to keep him locked up in there for so long, so he’ll just have to deal.

“You lead the others, okay?” she whispered. He flicked his tail at her and disappeared, and Doreen collapsed into the pilot’s chair as she waited. Within minutes, alarms were blaring all over the place. The monitors in front of her were flashing as parts of the aircraft started to fail, and they’ll be making a landing any moment now. She should probably go find Doom. And Ironman and the Tank. She can’t be too mad at them for laughing at her; they just need to be enlightened.

This time she walked down the halls with her head held high, because this baby is coming down. Doom shouldn’t have underestimated her. She could hear yelling coming from up ahead, and she headed that way. The scene was magnificent, and she paused in the doorway to truly appreciate it. Squirrels were swarming over Doom, who was trying to fight them off and failing. Ironman and the Tank were staring at the scene with wide disbelieving eyes, and a pair of dark green eyes finally noticed her. Doreen raised a finger to her lips and then walked into the room. Doom was facing away from her, and she picked up a giant metal…something. Pipe, maybe? Whatever it was, it was big.

“That’s for shoving me in a closet!” she yelled once Doom was on the ground. He looks unconscious, because she hit him in the head, but it’s hard to tell. “Hey, Tank, is he out?”

“I, uh, can’t tell. It’s the weird helmet-mask thing. I can’t hear him,” she got out. The woman still looks thoroughly shocked, and Ironman has the same expression. Doreen shrugged and reached down to yank off the metal clinging to Doom’s face. Oh, wow, the mask should have stayed on. That’s just gross. She looked back up at the Tank, who slowly nodded. “Definitely unconscious.”

“How did you…What just…Who are you?” Ironman stuttered out. She straightened up, felt Monkey Joe crawling up her arm until he was perched on her shoulder, and propped her fists on her hips.

“I’m Squirrel Girl.”
♠ ♠ ♠
So, flashbacks. I know they might be lacking Deadpool’s usual insanity, but they’re his memories. That’s how he remembers things. He’s telling Bruce the stories, and I imagine him throwing in a bunch of random shit while he spins their tale. It was fun to write about pre-ROSE Jo, to explore who she was before that defining arc of her life.

Sadly, I can’t take any credit for the Squirrel Girl takedown of Doom. That’s pretty much straight from the comics. (Minus Jo, of course. Tony was there to witness the epicness that is Squirrel Girl.)

If anyone has any questions, I’d be happy to answer them! Or if you just want to talk superheroes, I’m okay with that too.