A Stitch Away From Making a Scar...

Val’s hand clung to Ashton’s as she led him across the street. Still blind sighted, he had absolutely no idea where they were actually going. All he knew was that he’d been asked to dress appropriately and be “open minded”. Something was going on.
Fear snaked into the situation at one point and he pulled them both to a stop, his eyes going wide. “Oh my god,” he whispered. “Val, is this… are you going to-.”
It took her a second to realise what he was referring to and when she did her eyes went all shadowed and he mentally cursed himself for bringing it up. God, he was such an idiot about this stuff sometimes.
“No,” she replied a little breathlessly. “I’m not… I’m not going to… just, that’s not going to happen for at least a few years. Don’t worry so much, okay.”
What was funny was that even as she gave the advice to Ashton, her own doubts were eating her alive. Like always, she felt down. But things mattered in her life. And she had to focus on those things. Right now she was focusing on her brother and his growing problem that had involved sleeping in the bathroom last night after falling asleep while scrubbing the floor.
Biting her lip in distaste, she just shook her head. They were here. Hands quick, she shoved her fingers over Ash’s eyes. “Don’t look,” she hissed. “It’s going to be a surprise, okay.”
He grinned. Okay yes, after everything in his life happening he felt a bit fragile and sort of really, really embarrassed. But how cool was this? Where was he even going?
Pulling her hands away, Val let Ashton open his eyes when they were inside the building. His smile totally fell away at the first sight of the place though. Of course he remembered it. This was where they locked Val up every Friday and Monday to keep her from offing herself or getting too depressed.
Turning around immediately, he started to walk away. “No way,” he told her swiftly. “No freaking way am I seeing a shrink. I don’t need to.”
Frowning, Val started to run after him and a cloud of dizziness came over her. Losing her feet, she stumbled for a second and had to grab onto the nearest seating chair. Taking deep breathes, she let herself sit down. “Wait…,” she called, voice wheezy.
Eyes going wide, Ash ran back immediately. “Holy shit,” he muttered. “Are you okay? Do I need to take you to a doctor or something? Oh my god. Val, why did you have to come here with me? You need to rest.”
She just narrowed her eyes at him and he let out a breath. Yeah, he might have been selfish to throw away her offer just because he didn’t want to do it. She thought she was helping him out and there was no way he was going to make her life about him. This had to end and it wouldn’t until he at least tried out her idea.
So he held his shoulders straight and with a deep breath, walked right into the room she pointed out for him. The panic that had never left was benign right now. The Valissity flare up had freaked him out though. Was she going to get really bad while he was in this room? Shit, he really should have told someone.
“Hello Ashton,” the lady behind the desk smiled with way too much teeth. “I’m Maria Renaults. Now you’re sister has been telling me about your recent displays of panic… and maybe feelings of an obsession, or fear?”
Blinking against shock, he just moved silently to sit down in the seat in front of her. God her perm was really bad. Shaking his head, he just gave a smile. “I’m not sure she knew what she was talking about,” he grinned, eyes a bit wild. “I really don’t need to be here.”
“Well okay,” Maria nodded. “And I respect that completely. But while you are here I think maybe it would be beneficial for us to… talk?”
“Okay,” he just replied with a shrug, voice small.
Oh shit. Her desk was a mess. Everything everywhere. He kept clenching and unclenching his hand against the urge to at least straighten up her stapler gun. Breathing fast, he just settled to moving the chair just a tiny bit to be more level. The doctor lady’s eyes noticed everything though.
Acting casually, he just reached out to push the stapler over to the front of the desk and straighten it up a bit more. Now his eyes were on the paper. Why wasn’t she talking? The silence was just making more room for weird obsessive desires to ask her if he could stack the papers she had there properly because half a newsletter was falling out and some crumbled up paper lay beside her as well.
“Are you going to ask me anything!” he just exploded, trying to focus on her now.
She just pursed her lips and placed two pens in front of him on the table. One blue, one black and both with the wrong lid. His fingers twitched at his sides but he bit the side of his cheek to try and just leave them there.
Looking up at the ceiling was even worse. The holes and mouldy plaster made him seriously want to hurl. Again. So he gave up. Grabbing the pens defensively, he switched the two lids so that both pens matched and set them back down on the table. Then he moved them again to next to the cup full of pens and chopsticks.
“Do you see what you just did there?” Maria asked him very seriously. “Do you feel maybe relief now? Like a great weight has been lifted from your shoulders.”
Sort of? “No.”
She just tilted her head and frowned a bit. “What happened yesterday, Ashton? And you can’t lie because I already know. I just want to hear it from you, okay.”
Really? On the very edge of his seat, Ash just kept eyeing the clock but since he had no idea how long this thing was going to go for, he had no idea when he was going to be set free again either. “Do I have to?”
The silent nod was confirmation enough. “I had a fight with my brother,” he admitted gruffly. “And he messed up my room. And then I felt sick and threw up.”
She nodded again like this was some great big news. How did Val even enjoy this? Why the hell had she thought to bring him here in the first place?
“You and your brother had a bit of a conflict and then he damaged your room. Your room would be your sacred space, right? Where everything is perfect for you? And you felt stressed and the stress got to you. And that’s when you vomited, am I right?”
Sitting here was actually sinking in and honestly, he felt like some sort of freak. Keeping his eyes down, he just sighed. “Can I please just go?”
“I think that there is a… mild chance you have a disorder that you might already be familiar with as OCD.”
The temperature in the room must have dropped to subzero and the blood froze in Ashton’s veins then and there. The desk in front of him only furthered his immense freaking out. Eyes wide and confused, he just attempted to control his breathing.
Maria just patted his shoulder comfortingly. “The panic you’re feeling? It’s because you fixate on a perfect life, a perfect existence. And when something threatens that you remove or fix it, correct? But when things come into your life you cannot fix, you don’t know how to deal with it.”
Sliding the chair back, he just ran to the door. Where… he then stopped and ran back to straighten the chair again and go bolting out of the room. Running to avoid a confrontation with Valissity, he just sped up to the bathroom and just like before, the panic had won out and he threw up into the toilet.
Giving himself a moment, he grabbed the toilet paper to wipe his mouth and gagged a bit on his breath. Pushing the door open, he moved straight to the sink to rinse his mouth out. When he turned he saw a man he did not recognise standing there, arms out like he wanted a hug or something.
“Who are you?” Ash asked a little hesitantly.
The man promptly moved forward to pull Ash into a tight snuggle. Way confused, Ash just kind of stood there limply. “I understand,” the guy was saying, voice heavy with emotion. “I had man bulimia once as well.”
“Wow!” Ash pushed back now. “Oh my god, that’s so not what happened. I uh, no, I think you’ve got the wrong idea.”
The dude just gave him a wink. “It’s fine if you haven’t accepted it yet. But when you’re ready to receive help. I’m here every Wednesday, okay.”
“You’re a counsellor?”
Removing his hat to reveal a sweaty bald head that sent a disturbed shiver down Ash’s spine, the guy sighed. “No silly. I’m a patient. Just. Like. You.”
Suddenly he felt like he was going to throw up again. The door opened and Valissity came storming in. “What the hell!” she exclaimed. “I paid for that session.”
“You can’t be in here!” Ash just yelled.
The sweaty fat guy looked her over. “Hey,” he sent Val a grin. “I don’t mind if you’re in here at all. By the way, your brother is totally gay, and also bulimic.”
Pulse rising rapidly, Ashton just tried to take deep breathes like he’d been practicing. “No I’m not,” he explained calmly. “I just felt a little… sick. Look, I’m just sick. I think we should go home, Val. This was so nice of you but I really don’t want anyone else here to catch my you know, illness.”
The other guy shrugged and walked out to leave them alone. Val turned briefly to make sure he was gone and made a shivery, disgusted face. That feeling really included them both.
“You,” she turned back to Ashton sadly. “Are a coward. I hope you know that.”
With that line still hanging in the air, Valissity stormed out of the men’s room too. Alone now, Ash debated on staying there or leaving and running home. If only there was some back door out of here. He felt like a failure. Like a coward, actually. She was right. This stuff was stupid and he was just being ridiculous about it.
Hugging himself, he wandered out of the room and began to walk straight for the door. No one ran over to grab his arm and laughingly drag him back though. He was used to Adam treating him like shit but it actually stung so much that Val would think that of him. Gold eyes downcast, he just kept himself walking.
OCD was all about like, being unable to resist and losing your life to your obsessions and stuff though, right? And he wasn’t unable to resist. When things didn’t go his way he freaked a bit, but that was it.
He may have overestimated his knowledge of this part of town because he had no idea where he was anymore. I mean, it all looked familiar. But the exact direction he now had to take to find his home was unclear.
Heaving a breath, Ash just ran across the road real quick and into the convenience store there. Feet still unsteady, he wondered if he should eat something. No food had stayed in his stomach since yesterday at lunch and it was the middle of the day now. All this throwing up and freaking out over everything was really-
No, he shook his head. It was all fine.
“Hey,” he called out to behind the empty counter. “Is anyone there? I really just need some directions, please?”
The man walked out from the other room, squishing his cigarette out against the brick wall to his right. One of his eyes was white and the other one was bright blue. “Directions to where, kid?”
“Uh,” Ashton just looked around a bit. The desk was so grimy it was gross and this place looked like somewhere drunken teens came to buy drugs and smokes. Wrinkling up his nose at the smell, he just tried to smile. “I just need to get home. I live just round the corner of Alwen Street. You know where that is?”
Somehow managing to only narrow one eye in scepticism, the guy took his time before answering the question. “Are you some kind of pretty boy?” his voice came out gruff and raspy probably from smoking. “Or do you just want drugs too. ‘Cause your fucking fancy shirt ain’t gonna make me think any different of you. I want cash, kid.”
Eyes widening, Ashton just jumped to shake his head. “Shit, no, no I don’t want any drugs or anything. I just… you know what, it’s fine. I’ll just find my own way home.”
Just as he was turning to literally just bolt out of the nut job’s shop, the guy decided to answer Ash’s original question. “It’s around the corner and down the road that’ll be to your right. You’re not really lost, kid. Good thing you don’t want drugs too. Fucking druggos I get in here. I would ‘a kicked your teeth into your skull. Haha, least there’s drugs at the hospital place.”
Swallowing hard, Ash forced out a thankyou and ran from the place. Still running, he only stopped when he had turned the corner and gotten to the two roads. Wow, this was insane. Had he actually been so close to home and thought he was lost? This left road went to Luca’s and the other one straight back to his own house where an infuriated Adam Darka was lying in wait to throw something into Ash’s face. It was pretty much guaranteed.
So swallowing hard, he just decided to walk straight to Luca’s house. Things had been weird since the whole thing with his sister and of course, she had been totally freaked out by it all and it was so not cool for him to have taken this long to call her or talk to her at all. But he was going there now. Please may she be home.
Knocking on the door didn’t prove much when it just swung right in. So far there was no noise to be heard. Not even the dull drone of Luca’s hippy music she played in her room softly on a loop.
Feet pressing lightly onto the floor, he tried not to make a sound and peeked his head around her door curiously. His shoulders fell and he relaxed immediately to find her sitting upon her bed, legs crossed and eyes open and smiling though. “Oh hey,” he sighed, giving a grin. “So what’s up?”
“Not much,” she replied simply, patting the bed sheet beside her to gesture he come sit down. “Rose is out. And Chase is probably with his friends.”
Maybe Adam was out with Chase too? So he might have been able to go home. The violent urge to splurge and tell Luca all about the hell he’d been going through was biting acid through his lips but was that okay? Everything he did he was second guessing and he didn’t want to be needy and obsessing.
Then the shrink’s words about obsessing being a symptom of OCD flashed like a warning sign in his head. So he kept his mouth closed instead. So many things about Luca’s room were sticking out to him and he wondered if she found it annoying that whenever he was here he always picked up all her things and put them away for her? Was that too intrusive or something?
“What is it?” she groaned, pulling her eyes out of the hazy nothingness of her mind she must have been lost to for a moment. “You look horrible.”
“I don’t want to annoy you,” he just muttered.
Eyebrows pulling together in slight puzzlement, Luca just tilted her head to the side. “Why would you be annoying me? Really, just tell me. You’re hair also, by the way, looks really awful.” Her words couldn’t really count as an insult because they were followed by a smile.
So it all came spilling out. Throughout the entire spillage though, Luca’s eyes remained listening and her expression open and thoughtful. Just talking to her was so easy and it was nothing like talking to Val or Adam because she never judged or made assumptions about anything.
When he’d finished talking about the scary drug dealer behind the counter and she had just laughed a bit, he waited. Maybe for some simple little handful of words that would just totally cause him to re-evaluate everything in his life and realise he knew the answer. To whatever question he was asking, he wasn’t sure.
“You’re brother,” she frowned. “Is a total asshole.”
Calm face breaking into laughter, he just rolled his eyes. “He’s just stressed. Besides, I’ll bleach the carpet if I have to.”
“Bleach the carpet?” she repeated, raising an eyebrow. “Ash, come on. Be honest. You’re really messed up.”
“What?” he inquired weakly.
No, it was not turning out to be the awe inspiring conversation that would make everything make sense again that he’d been expecting. More it was turning out to be a repeat of the conversation he’d had with Valissity.
And the bed quilt was hanging over the bed like a banana peel and it was making his heart race under his ribcage. “Do you…, he took a deep breath, meeting Luca’s eyes. “Do you think that I might have OCD?”
Grinning, she didn’t answer at first and pulled him over to hug him closer. Her hair smelt faintly of band aides and cheese toasties. But it did make him feel better. Knowing that for once someone actually gave a shit about him really did feel amazing.
“I don’t know Ash, kay?” Luca just shrugged; her eyes wide as she bit her bottom lip. “I really don’t want you to label yourself or think of yourself as just one stupid thing so try not to focus on it too much. But I do know that this is really scaring you, right. So if someone could make all that go away then would that be good?”
Tears brimmed at his eyes and he took a deep and shaky breath. It was so weird hearing someone talk like they cared, and like they were worried about him. “Valissity’s going to die, Luca,” he whispered, the tears running. “So does it even really matter if I’ve got it or if I don’t?”
Her eyes narrowed immediately and she smiled. “I don’t care how shitty someone else’s shit is, it doesn’t make your shit any less shitty, okay?”
Eyes fluttering, she grabbed his hand tightly. “And… I’m really sorry about your sister you know.”