‹ Prequel: Three
Sequel: Borrow My Heart

Only

If I Was Just Ashes And You Were The Ground, And Under Your Willow They Laid Me Down

It had been a week and four days.

Eleven long days since he had seen or talked to Delilah. James hated where he things were left between them and he had more than once thought he should've just went with her plans for the night instead of his.

But that wouldn't have been fair to Delilah and he would have felt even worse if they had slept together and then he dropped his truth bomb on her. That would have made him feel like complete shit.

As it was, James felt like he was a failure at relationships. Tessa had fallen head over heels for Paul. Delilah apparently couldn't even bear the idea of talking to him. He felt like everything was wrong and falling apart and the only thing he could control was his game. He threw himself into the next several games with renewed energy and focus, like nothing else mattered.

Because nothing else did.

Not since Delilah had walked away.

He didn't blame her. He couldn't. He should've told her the truth in the beginning, definitely after Tessa had visited, and not six weeks into what was going in between them. He was an idiot.

He had hoped after a day or two that she would call and they could talk, he could tell her everything he had been scared to say. When she didn't, he held out that she just needed one more day. Now he was here, eleven agonizing days later, resigning himself to his fate. She wasn't going to call.

They were in Arizona that night, a win against the Coyotes. In two nights it'd be San Jose before returning home to Nashville. He was ready to get home where he could be by himself and not have to appear happy and social with his teammates.

He wanted to ask Craig about her but the look he gave him when he came into practice the day after his conversation with Delilah told him not too. He did his best to avoid him instead, which seemed like the right thing to do.

In his hotel room on the day off between games, James flipped his phone over and over in his hands. He had come close more than once to at least texting Delilah, to say hi, that he was thinking about her, but didn't. He needed advice so he called the one person who always gave him good advice.

"What do you want, Nealer?" Paul answered his phone. James could feel his smile through the phone from their opposite coasts. "Setting up a bachelorette party for my fiancée. Who do you think you are?" He chuckled. "There are male strippers, aren't there?"

"No male strippers. Female ones though."

"I actually wouldn't be surprised if you did that."

"Well I didn't so haha, jokes on you. Delilah helped me so it's stripper free."

"She's good for you; I hope you're treating her right."

James sighed heavily. "I need advice, Paulie. I messed up."

"I'm listening."

"How did you get good at that? Listening, and fixing things?"

"It's just me I guess. Why?"

"You always fix things. I could never do that for Tessa like you did. I wanted to, but I never did. She made the right choice, picking you. I'm such a fuck up."

"You're not a fuck up, James. And you did just fine fixing things between us when we had that fight."

"And look where that got me, on the outside looking in."

"Did you call to tell me you're still in love with Tessa?"

"No. I think I'm in love with Delilah." He swung his legs off the bed and moved to stand in front of the window, shoving the curtain aside. "I've just been thinking is all."

"We have a couple off days. Tessie and I can come down and visit for a few hours."

"You'd fly to Nashville to check up on me?"

"If Tessa knew you were calling me, yeah, she'd put us on a plane. But I wouldn't complain about it. Tell me what's going on with Delilah. Did you tell her how you feel or did you do something really dumb?"

"I told her the truth about Tessa."

"Oh," Paul said quietly. He paused before continuing. "So that didn't go over well?"

"Pretty much how I expected it to go. I didn't get to tell her everything; she was freaked out and left. She said she'd call me but that was over a week ago."

"Dude, I'm sorry."

"Me too."

"Did you let her walk away?"

"Yeah. What was I supposed to do though? Force her to stay?"

"No, but you might have tried harder to make her hear you out."

"How do you know I didn't?"

"You don't believe in yourself the way Tessa and I do. I saw a different man emerge from your relationship with her. You were a boy when you came to Pittsburgh, Nealer. You left a man, a really good one too. Do yourself a favor and remember that from time to time."

"If that was supposed to be a pep talk, you're doing a terrible job."

"Fuck you, man," Paul chuckled. "That was a great pep talk."

"So you think I should call her?"

"You think you're in love with her or you know?"

"I know," James replied quietly as he let the curtain fall back into place and he sat back down on the bed.

"Then you fight for her. Make her hear your story. If she still wants to walk away then you gotta live with that but you'll regret it more if you don't try. Speak from the heart; I think she'll listen."

~*~*~


Delilah threw herself into work at her studio after James' confession to her. She figured if she was working then she wouldn't have time to think about it. But the truth was that that was not fair to James, or her.

And it didn't matter how much she worked; her thoughts always circled back to James.

At it's first mention, Delilah had been shocked by James' admission. She didn't understand it and it scared her. Was she enough for him? Did he need something more? She had always thought of herself as open minded but didn't have the level of kink for that.

She knew that she needed to hear his story but she was scared to. She had picked up her phone to call James more than once but always found herself chickening out. Scrolling through her Facebook a week later, an image of cursive text a friend shared gave her pause.

Your job is not to judge.
Your job is not to figure out if someone deserves something.
Your job is to lift the fallen, to restore the broken, and to heal the hurting.


The words spoke to her. What she knew from James was that he had moved from woman to woman for a number of years. There had been a serious girlfriend early in his career in Dallas, and in the 18 months before his trade, a serious girlfriend in Pittsburgh. She now knew that was Tessa.

James had been honest with her about the kind of guy he was before Tessa, and she knew firsthand the man he was after her. It might be unconventional the type of relationship he had with her, but she knew it had been good for him.

Delilah found herself closing out of facebook and switching to google, searching polyamorous relationships. There was the hellfire and brimstone rhetoric she expected to find but that wasn't what she was looking for. Buried within the links were the stories she was looking for and trying to wrap her head around.

Real people, their love stories, and the intricacies of how it all worked for them. They were all normal, everyday people, who had love to share with more than one partner.

Her ringing phone interrupted her research and she picked it up, seeing Daisy's name on the display.

"Hello?"

"Hello stranger!" Daisy exclaimed. "And just where have you been hiding?"

"Sorry, Daisy. It's been busy at the studio."

"What are you doing today?"

"Bumming around my house."

"Great! That means you can get lunch with me. We need to catch up."

"That sounds perfect actually," Delilah replied. An idea was forming in her head as she looked at a calendar. "Meet you in an hour?"

~*~*~


Delilah had the game against the Sharks on when her phone began to ring. Glancing at the unknown number, she answered.

"Hello?"

"Delilah? It's Tessa."

"Oh, hey. How are you?"

"I'm great. Thank you for helping James plan that bachelorette party. We had so much fun. I was ecstatic when Lennon passed your number to me from Rose so I could call and thank you myself. How did you pull it off?"

"James did most of the work. All I did was put together some ideas and let him do all the choosing. Thankfully he chose well."

Tessa laughed. "It was, hands down, one of the best nights out in my life. I'm pretty sure Paul thought there'd be strippers. In fact, I'm sure he was convinced there were going to be strippers."

"James vetoed strippers from the beginning. Thought they were gross."

"That is rich, coming from James Neal."

Delilah laughed. "He's told me some stories."

"Hopefully more good ones than bad."

"He did tell me one...about you." Delilah paused. "The truth actually."

She heard Tessa suck in a breath. "He was finally honest with you?"

"Yeah."

"When did he tell you?"

"Twelve days ago."

"Since I haven't heard a word about you from him, I'm gonna go out on a limb that it didn't go so well."

"I left. I told him I would call and I haven't."

"Do you want to?"

"Yes," Delilah answered without hesitation.

"Ask away."

"Ask away?"

"You have questions and you don't want to ask James. That is why you asked Daisy to reach out to Rose who passed the message along to Lennon, right?"

"Yes," she replied sheepishly.

"My relationship with James was something I will cherish for the rest of my life. My ex husband left me feeling unloved and unwanted. When James and Paul came into my life, I felt alive again. More so than I ever had before. It was an adventure, a roller coaster, but it was a part of my life journey."

"Was it hard?"

"All the time. It was a complete secret in the beginning. And then the guys found out Paul and I were seeing each other so everyone knew he was my boyfriend but no one knew about my relationship with James. It got tougher and eventually they told the team."

"What happened when they found out?"

"They didn't understand but most of them accepted it."

"Most?"

"A few had their opinions."

"Oh."

"It's not for everyone, we knew that, but we were happy, and in love."

"You love him still?"

"Of course. I always will. The love is different now. I was at one time very much in love with James. Over time, the lines of our relationship blurred, they changed, and I fell so deeply for Paul; I knew he was the one, the only one. So while I did fall out of love, I still love James dearly. He's a part of me, my best friend. And I want him to be as happy as Paul and I are. I want him to find love and happiness; a partner. I think that's you but it's your choice."

"Can I ask you one more question?"

"Of course."

"Is he a one woman guy now? Is that enough?"

"I thought you might ask me that. Delilah, I promise you, none of us thought we were going down the path we did. None of us had ever thought about being in a poly relationship and none of us had a clue what we were doing. It just happened. I don't regret that it did because it gave me Paul but I don't need anyone else. And neither do Paul or James. That part of his life is done and over. One woman is all he needs. Now, do you mind if I say something?"

"Of course not, please."

"James doesn't see himself the way I do and he does not give himself enough credit for the man he has become. He grew so much when we were together, and became a better version of him. Now he needs to be the best version and you're the one who is getting him there. I saw it when I visited. Let him tell you the story before you make a final decision about him. Because I think he loves you, and I think you feel the same and I hope you'll give him a chance to explain it to you in his own words."