You Should Have Killed Me When You Had the Chance

If you thought about it, emotions could be a rather confusing yet humorous concept to grasp. How something so simple could have such a drastic change on your mood, making you go from being joyous and content to enraged and upset within a number of seconds. Utter a wrong word or look at someone and you could make anyone snap. That is what is wrong with society nowadays. There is no consideration for how anyone is feeling and we freely speak as if the world is filled with no consequence.

The world is all about timing. If I'm being honest, the timing was not in my favor as I was unfortunately on my last nerve when I was at my brothers house party and was informed of some delightful details about my almost ex's new relationship.

I was tapping my foot and bobbing my head along to the beat of the music blasting through my eardrums, a beat I vaguely did recognize hearing before this. I had a bottle gripped in my hand, one I took another swig of as I tried desperately to drown out the mind numbing thoughts. I would try anything at this point to try and completely shut off my mind and considering this alcohol was the most convenient at the moment, it would have to do.

"V-Vic!" I heard Jaime, a long-term friend, shout loudly with a hiccup near the end of his words. He plopped down next to me and pulled me into a giant hug. He reeked of vodka and the stench of cigarettes, although i was beginning to get use to the stench since about half the people here smelt of the same.

"Hime-time, I think you've had enough don't ya think?" I chuckled as I went to confiscate his red solo cup but in return was swatted away like an annoying insect.

"Of course I have not Vicky, lighten up!" Jaime cheered, as he downed the remnants of whatever was filled in the cup, and tossed it elsewhere.

I mumbled a quick response as I downed the last of my beer and scrunched up my face at the bitter taste making its way down my throat. I couldn't just "lighten up" considering the fact that my relationship was on the cusp of falling apart. I've been with Kellin for a little over 2 years now, and I loved him with everything in me. I even thought we might end up getting married, but apparently now he was having second thoughts.

"Are you sad because of Mr. perfect hair and tight jeans?" Jaime questioned as he studied my facial expression.

I shrugged as I looked down and frowned at my hands. I felt my eyes slowly begin to burn with unshed tears along with my throat becoming dry. Fuck me.

"Trust me Vic, you could do so much better then that assfuck." Jaime said as he slapped a hand down on my shoulder roughly. "He isn't worth it, 'specially since he's a cheater."

That captured my attention and made my self pity come to a halt. I snapped my head up at the news and met Jaime's glossy gaze. I was hoping for this to simply be a drunken outburst where he had no idea what he was talking about, but I couldn't help how my heart sank at the words and the way this could make sense as to why our relationship could be falling apart.

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah man! He really isn't worth your time." Jaime hiccuped.

I was dumbfounded, but it suddenly all clicked now. That explains the late night phone calls and coming home so late and the distance he's put between us lately and--God I should've read the signs. The tears started to collect again the more I put thought to it, I feel like such a fucking idiot.

"Yeah," Jaime paused, giving me a a thoughtful look before continuing, "Kells was fucking that ginger for about three months now." And just like that, my mood had switched from devastation to humiliation and rage.

To say I was mad would have been a complete understatement because I was fucking livid. That little fucking whore had the nerve to try and pin our failing relationship all on me when he was the one slutting around with some other guy. Another thought crossed my mind; If he's been cheating on me for a while and Jaime knew, who else did?

"Who else knows?" I demanded.

"Well, Mike was the one who saw them." Jaime spoke slowly so he could think, "and Tony also saw them."

The new information only fueled my rage more, if that were even possible. My own little brother knew that Kellin was fucking someone else behind my back and didn't even bother to tell me that the love of my life was cheating on me? Family first, huh? I snorted at the thought. I was so over this party, and I was completely done with this night.

I jumped up from the spot that I was occupying on the couch and muttered a quick goodbye to Jaime. I pushed my way past the sea of sweaty bodies and drunk girls trying to pull me over to them, shrugging them away. Little did they actually know I batted for the other team and wasn't interested in fake spray tans, mini skirts, and push-up bras.

When I finally made it into the kitchen I spotted Mike and Tony behind the counter, filling up drinks and laughing at the drunken jokes being made. I probably would've grabbed a bear and joined in too if I wasn't in such a terrible mood.

"Everyone out now," I barked, "I need to have a little chat with my brother and so-called bestfriend."

The laughter died down and it was dead silence as the few people that were actually in the room turned to look at me and slowly made their ways out of the cramped kitchen, shooting Mike and Tony sympathetic looks as they departed. When everyone had cleared, I slammed the door shut and stomped over to the counter.

"Hey baby bro! Hey turtle!" I greeted sarcastically.

"Uh hey Vic, is everything alright?" Mike questioned, glancing over at Tony with confusion in his eyes and Tony simply shrugged slighly in response to his look.

"Everything is just dandy!" I replied forcing a smile onto my lips, "How've you been Tone?"

"Uh great man, how's life?" Tony replied nervously.

"Well, now that you ask, my life has been going great actually. I got a ticket today, I failed my history exam, I got dragged to this stupid fucking party, and oh!" I paused to simply add a slightly more dramatic effect before speaking once more, "my soon to be ex boyfriend has been cheating on me for several months and my bestfriends and brother knew all a fucking long!" I screamed as I pushed the glass alcohol bottles off of the island sending them to the floor with a crash and watched as the other two flinched, backing away slowly.

"Vic, I swear. I was gonna tell you." Mike quickly defended with his hands up and palms facing towards me. Guilt and fear was clear in his eyes as well as in Tony's, but I wasn't going to fall for it.

"When?!" I shouted as I stepped over all the broken glass and made my way around the counter, "When were you going to enlighten me about this lovely information? Huh?"

"I-I'm sorry. I just" Mike looked down as he lowered his hands.

"You just what, Mikey?" I sneered. I needed answers and he sure as hell wasn't giving them to me.

"I didn't wanna hurt you, Vic. You've got to understand, I was just trying to look out for you." Mike tried to reason.

"No I don't understand and I don't think I will be anytime soon because the way I see it, a good brother," I paused and glared at Tony, "or friend would've told me. Not let me be told by somebody else." I just shook my head as I backed away and made my way to the door.

"Vic, wait!" Mike called

But I didn't wait. I didn't stop once. I was hardly even phased by his pleas for me to turn around or come back so we could disscus it some more because I was too busy walking myself out of the house and making my way towards my car instead. I had too much screaming going on in my head to even focus on the noises happening around me instead. All I knew was I needed to get out of there.

That was about an hour ago and I haven't calmed down in the slightest. Here I am now, driving home in complete silence on my way back to my shitty apartment with no one waiting for me there and absolutely no one to talk to about my problems. Everyone I thought I could confine in and thought who cared about me had all betrayed me in one night.

The more I dwell on my pessimistic thoughts, the worse I felt. A realization had struck me that for the first time in a very long time I was completely and utterly alone. I finally gave into the numb feeling taking over and felt my eyes begin to water as a sob escaped my lips.

My vision became blurred by the unshed tears and I couldn't really see anymore so I quickly pulled over to the side of the road and parked to ensure that I didn't crash. Although I doubt anyone would truly care if I died, they all lied to me afterall, I doubt they even cared for me. Not to mention Kellin sure as hell wouldn't care since he's already found someone better. What did I have left? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

My chest felt as if it was caving in as sob after sob tumbled from my lips, wracking my entire body. I bowed my head and rested it on the steering wheel as I watched my tears fall to my jeans and imprint dark circles among my thighs. I kept wiping at my nose with the back of my hand that was covered with my sweatshirt but it kept dripping. I despised crying, but the tears were the last of my worries right now. I hated Kellin, I hated my friends, I hated my brother, I fucking hated myself. I just wanted these thoughts to stop.

The thought of suicide had never really crossed my mind up until now. What did I really have to live for? I mean, it would be so quick and easy considering I did have a gun in the glove compartment. What was stopping me? Certainly not anyone I thought might want to. If anything the people who should be stopping me were the ones who got my thoughts this bad in the first place.

I quickly shook the notion of suicide off for now and went back to what had brought me to this situation in the first place. I felt as if I was here watching my entire world crash down around me and there was not a goddamn thing I could do except watch. I couldn't prevent it from crumbling before my eyes and I couldn't save anything--possibly not even myself. I felt useless.

My eyes flickered over to the glove compartment as I reached over and pulled on the little lever to release the door. I reached in, pushing aside all of the useless papers until I found what I had been looking for a took hold of it, grabbed my hand gun and pulling it out. Kellin used to joke about me having it stored in there, saying I was apart of the mob or something, but that memory soon flashed away as rage suddenly filled my veins thinking of him and what he had done. I was sat here feeling absolutely miserable and he was probably at home, living it up. That wasn't fair. I was the good boyfriend, I was the loyal one, he didn't deserve to feel happy. I tucked the handgun into my back belt loop, making a decision to drive to his house and get the much wanted answers I so desperately deserved.

***

The drive to his house wasn't a long one from where I had parked earlier so I had arrived fairly quick. I, however, wasn't expecting there to be any company for when I had arrived. I felt my stomach drop the moment I pulled up to his driveway and saw a car I recognized, one that belonged to Kellin's best friend, Jesse. My heartbeat picked up as I turned my headlights off before parking in the driveway to avoid giving me away and made my way out of the car, not bothering to lock it in my haste.

When I reached the front door, I pulled out the spare that Kellin had given me and had not yet returned and quietly entered his house. Of course this probably wasn't the best thing to do since I am entering his house uninvited, but my mind was too hazed for me to think straight. All I knew was I needed to figure out what was happening in here and it wasn't long until I recieved my answer.

At first I was greeted with silence. The house seemed practically empty as I looked around to find nothing to prove someone was actually in the house right now, but that was shortly broken when I heard a high-pitched moan sounding from upstairs. Bingo.

I made my way over to the stairs and slowly but carefully crept up the steps I had stepped on so many times before. I was careful with my feet to ensure that I didn't make any of the wooden steps creek underneath my weight. I wanted to make sure that when I got there it would be the same scene that was happening before they even knew of my presence. The moans had begun to get louder and more frequent with each step and when I finally reached the final step I quickly made my way to the end of the hall where I knew his room was located.

The door was slightly ajar but gave me plenty of space to preview the oh-so-lovely activities taking place in the room before me.

When I peaked inside, my heart jumped to my throat. My suspicions were proven correct when I saw Kellin riding Jesse at a fast pace, moaning loudly like a Grade A Slut.

Though I should have simply stopped whatever was happening inside quickly, I found myself standing there watching in disbelief for a minute or two. I knew that this was what had been happening behind my back for months of our relationship, but seeing it happen right before my eyes defiantly stung much more than any words ever could. A small part of me wished that this wasn't the case, that this was all a joke and he had been faithful to me throughout our relationship. I hoped that the failure of us trying to stay together could have simply been lack of chemistry between us and not become he had found someone knew, but this proved how wrong my hopes really had been. I couldn't stand to watch this any longer. So with all the emotions running through me at once, I finally let the anger consume me and saw nothing but red as I stood up straight and kicked the door wide open, strolling in while clapping.

Kellin jumped and screamed while Jesse moved to grab the blanket in order to cover himself.

"That was a beautiful performance guys, don't stop on my account. Go ahead, please continue." I said casually, motioning for them to carry on with a wave of my fingers as I swirled the desk chair around and sat down.

"V-Vic, how are you even?" Kellin stammered as his face brightly shined red. I use to love the sight of his blushing cheeks, something I missed seeing because I knew my effect on him hadn't been as strong as it once had been, and under any other circumstances I probably would have loved this. But I couldn't help how my own blood boiled at the sight of him and simply the sound of his voice.

"Oh how did I get in? I actually didn't get the chance to return your fucking house keys, so here I am now." I spat, making Kellin flinch.

"Hey man, don't speak to him like that." Jesse warned as he quickly grabbed a pair of boxers off the floor and slipped them on along with his shirt. He pulled Kellin behind him and shielded him from me, only making my blood boil even more as if he had a right to protect him. This was between Kellin and I, because if he hadn't gotten between the two of us this wouldn't have happened.

"Funny how I don't remember asking you to talk, let alone breathe." I snapped, focusing my glare on him.

"You little fucking-" He threatened as he started walking towards me, only to be pulled back by a very distressed Kellin.

"Jesse, please don't." Kellin spoke in a soothing yet assertive tone, trying to calm the angry ginger down.

Instead of making me upset, this surprisingly made me laugh. I didn't feel that knife twisting feeling in my gut anymore, I didn't feel my heart sinking down into my stomach like I had been. Instead, I didn't feel anything at all. I felt numb.

My laughing must have set Jesse off on another rampage because the next thing I know hes yanking his arm away and starting towards me.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?" Jesse demanded, challenging me to speak although I don't think he should be getting the impressing that he has the upper hand here. Of course seeing him pissed off only made me laugh harder.

"He's insane Kells, no wonder you wanted to leave him." Jesse said incredulously. I knew he was only saying this to get a reaction out of me, and although I shouldn't have given him one, I couldn't help it. The mention of Kellin cheating had shut me up completely and it left me with a tightening in my throat. That statement had sprung back the questions in my head, and thinking about Kellin cheating only made my eyes glisten with more unshed tears. Jesse took notice of my expression and smiled maliciously as he stepped towards me.

"Aww, is little Vicky gonna cry?" He tauntingly pouted, and when I continued to stay quiet he took it upon himself to continue. "Laugh it up all you want Victor, but in the end I'm the one winning because I get to slam into that nice thick ass." Jesse mocked, taking notice of the fact that I was upset and using it to his advantage. Kellin jumped from the bed and pulled on a pair of shorts, stepping in front of his lover.

"Jesse stop it!" Kellin screamed as he shoved him away.

"Why he's just a-"

"Shut up!" I screamed as I stood up and yanked the gun out of my back belt loop, having enough of this conversation and quite frankly having enough of Jesse in general.

Jesse was the first to notice the weapon considering Kellin had his back was towards me. The fear that flashed in Jesse's eyes went by unnoticed and made me swell up in some sort of accomplishment. I felt the confidence flowing back through my veins and the adrenaline that followed.

"Woah woah woah, Vic, put that down." Jesse began as he backed up while putting his hands up in the air as some kind of defense mechanism to justify that he wouldn't do anything.

"I said. Shut. Your. Fucking. Mouth!" I punctuated each word with a wave of the gun.

"Victor." Kellin gasped as he moved away from me as well, but I wouldn't focus on him right now. Instead I kept my eyes locked with the slightly bulkier man in front of me.

"Vic, you don't wanna do this." Jesse reasoned with a shaky voice, but it only caused a grin to makes its way onto my face. I was feeling a sense of power with this weapon clutched in my hand and I couldn't help the smile resting on my lips.

"There you go again with talking without permission. You know what? If I'm being honest, I'm tired of hearing your voice." I nonchalantly spoke as I squeezed the trigger in his direction.

Suddenly, a gun shot echoed around the room and the little bit of smoke that came out from the gun had started to clear up, revealing a shocked Jesse. He followed my line of vision and looked down to see the blood pour from his chest.

"No!" Kellin screamed in horror as he rushed forward and moved to catch Jesse before he tumbled forward and fell to the floor.

The first thing I noticed was the amount of blood; There was more blood in this one spot then their ever should have been. His shirt was soaked as the blood seaped through the fabric and began to flood the wooden floorboards surrounding him more quickly than I thought it would. I noticed how Jesse looked to Kellin in a pleading manner, almost begging for him to help as if Kellin could do something but he could do nothing even if he wanted to. He gasped and sputtered as he choked on his own vital fluid, desperately trying to get air to his lungs. Eventually his breathing attempts had stopped and his head dropped lifelessly to the ground.

"Jesse no, I'm.. I'm so sorry baby." Kellin sobbed as he held the ginger's head tenderly in his hands.

The numb feeling that had taken over me for the majority of the night had subsided and the shock began to set in. I slowly lowered my hand that held the gun and felt my blood run cold as I realized what I had just done. I didn't think I had it in me to kill another living animal, let alone person. It was almost as if I had blacked out and gave into the intense feelings that had been running through me and acted without thinking, only now realizing the extremity of my actions.

With tears still cascading down his flushed cheeks and sobs subsiding, Kellin turned his gaze to me and gave me the most hateful glare I could ever imagine. I had never seen him look at me in such a way and it cut me deeper than I could have ever imagined. His eyes once held such love and adortion but now it seemed like he wanted to do nothing but take this gun for himself and finish me off. I swear if looks could kill, I'd be done for.

"You-you fucking monster!" He shrieked as another sob escaped past his lips.

"Kells I-"

"Why?!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Guilt encased me and my mind went into a panic. When I continued to stay silent, Kellin pressed on.

"Answer me!" He screamed as he stood himself up with clenched fists and gritted teeth.

I still couldn't come up with a reasonable answer that would even come close to justifying my actions. As I realized before, I wasn't thinking straight and all the emotions running through my thoughts hazy. I was left there opening and closing my mouth like a blow fish as I struggled to find my voice.

"Is it because you're insecure?" Kellin tauntingly asked as he wiped at his cheeks viciously. "Is it because he could satisfy me better then you ever could? Is that it Victor?"

And just like that my mind had switched from guilt to anger because there it was--the reminder of why I was here in the first place. It was as if someone had gone and flicked a switch in my brain that had me going from feeling immensely guilty and full of sorrow to a blinding rage. Without giving it much thought, I strolled forward and grabbed a handful of Kellin's black locks and slamming him up against the nearest wall, emitting a gasp of pain and shock from the smaller boy.

"Who gave you the right to scream at me like that, you little fucking slut." I seethed.

"Who gave you the right to barge into my fucking house at all huh?" Kellin challenged as he tried to free his hair from my grip. The struggle only caused me to yank his head back even more, causing him to yelp out in pain.

"I wouldn't have had to barge in if you were honest and told me the real reason as to why we broke up. You fucking lied to me, how long have you been fucking him behind my back huh?" I questioned angrily. By now my hand had made its way to his throat and my fingers wrapped around the pale flesh, constricting.

"Did you really think I wouldn't find out? Huh? Did you think you could hide this from me?" I questioned him even though we both know I wasn't serious about recieving an answer. I was simply starting to taunght him with my questions as I kept him air supply short with my fingers wrapped around his neck. Kellin clawed at at my hand desperately, leaving angry red lines and even breaking the skin, but I stayed put. The skin pinched around my fingers were turning a scarlet red as I blocked his airway.

"Whats wrong darling?" I sneered at the use of the pet name I used to call him, "Cat got your tongue?"

Kellin's face was turning a slight purple as he continued to choke for air, tears starting to fall from his eyes once more and I was growing tired of his crying. With a final squeeze, I released him and he dropped to the floor with a hand quick to clutch his chest as he gasped for air.

I took a few steps back and watched as he fought to control his breathing. When Kellin had seemingly composed himself enough, he picked himself up and staggered to the bathroom in hopes to get away. I could tell by the way he was walking that he was probably becoming dizzy and I couldn't help but forcefully smile even though he could no longer see him. I decided to follow him into the bathroom with a slight skip in my step because of his idiotic attempt to get away from me.

"Aw, Kells, where you goin'?!" I called out. "We we just about to have some more fun!"

He didn't even turn around at my words as he finally made his way to the bathroom. He was quick to try and slam the door behind him, but I was quicker. Before it could shut all the way, I placed my foot in between the door and frame, successfully blocking it from being closed. With little to no weight, I pushed the door open easily and Kellin was knocked to the ground again with a thud.

He slowly crawled back, whimpering as he looked up at me with wide eyes and tears streaking his cheeks. Obvious fear was written all over his face. I stared back at those sea green eyes that I had fallen so head over heals in love with over the past few years of my life; The ones I loved waking up to everyday and the ones that once looked at me the same way I looked at them. Another reality had set in for me at that point; I had never once made Kellin fear me.

I didn't know how I felt about this, but as I stared back into those eyes I was reminded of all the sweet times we've had. The sweet morning kisses and passionate, lustful ones. The drunken times and helping one another nurse the others hangovers no matter how mild or severe it was. Our first date and first celebrated anniversary, some of the milestones in our relationship. I was still so ridiculously in love with him and didn't want to hurt him at all. I was about to turn my back on him and leave when I remembered why I was here in the first place, and my mind began to go hazy with red again. No matter how in love with him I was, I needed to remind myself that he was over it all. I loved him more than he loved me, if he even loved me at all.

I walked over to where Kellin was laying and bent down to a crouch. He tried to scoot away from me but I wasn't having any of it. I grabbed his arm before he could get too far and pulled him close to me. He flinched as he made contact with my chest and made him sit in an upwards position. He wretched himself out of my arms and pressed himself against the wall, wrapping his own arms around himself and looking away from me. I sighed, picking myself up and turned to walk to the opposite wall of him. I faced him once more and placed my back against the wall, sliding down and bringing my knees up to my chest. I needed answers and I was damn well going to get them.

"What made you stop loving me?" I questioned after it was evident that Kellin wasn't going to speak first. "What did I do that was so horrible to make you want to cheat on me? Was I a terrible boyfriend? Did I make you feel bad about yourself? Did I not tell you I loved you enough? Did I overcook the pasta too much? What did I do to deserve this overjoying pleasure of being cheated on. Please enlighten me, Kellin, because I'd love to know."

I'm sure he wasn't expecting me to speak to him so civilly after everything that had just happened, so it was no surprise when Kellin looked back at me with shock filled eyes. He met my gaze for the hundredth time that night and stared off for a bit, as if he needed a moment to gather and compose his thoughts. I didn't mind it, I would wait forever if I had to just to figure out what I had done wrong to lose the most important person in my life to someone I felt didn't even deserve Kellin the way I did. After what seemed like forever he finally opened his mouth to speak.

"I'm not sure," He whispered uncertainly as he focused his gaze lower to end our eye contact, "I guess we just lost that spark we once had."

"Then why not tell me instead, Kells?" I demanded, "We could have worked something out. Was I not worthy of being graced with a chance to fix things? Did what we have mean absolutely nothing to you?"

"How could you say that? You meant everything to me, Victor." Kellin shot back with a look of hurt, as if I was the crazy one for accusing him of such a thing.

"Then why didn't you talk to me?! Why did you cheat?" I screamed, I could feel the tears begin to well up again, my heart felt as if it was going to burst out from my chest from anticipation and adrenaline.

"I don't know!" He screetched, "I honestly don't fucking know Vic. I-I didn't mean to hurt you, I was just feeling so alone with you being at the office a lot and I missed you and Jesse was there giving me comfort and I just, I don't know."

Tears were running down his cheeks and he began to sob but my mind had switched again and I became angry. I would not give into these tears.

"So let me get this straight," I slowly spoke as I stood up and paced the small room. "You cheated on me because I got more hours and wanted to make more money in order for us to live comfortably and get a house of our own. Need I remind you that it was you who told me to take up more hours so we could move in with each other."

Kellin didn't look up at me. All he did was continuously shake his head back and forth but I couldn't blame him for not having much to say anymore; It was apparent we both realize he is in the wrong in this situation and he couldn't even find any good reasons to defend what he did wrong. As much as I liked the satisfaction of finally feeling like I was right and he was wrong, the silence he was giving me was only fuel to the fire within my head. I didn't want the silent treatment. I picked up a fallen bottle of shampoo and chucked it at the mirror, making the noise echo louded in our little silence and I watched as it smash into a million tiny pieces.

"I loved you with every fucking fiber of my being!" I screamed, making him flinch. "I treated you like royalty and gave you everything you've ever asked for. I kissed your bitch of a mothers ass, and dealt with your dramatic friends. I put up with the verbal abuse that you would throw at me when you were upset and I dealt with your fucking temper tantrums and you mean to tell me you missed me because I worked alittle late?!"

Panic and fear were back in Kellin's eyes as he watched me and the scene unfolding before him, but he didn't dare move. His fear didn't faze me in the slightest like it should have. I knew I wasn't thinking straight, and he probably knew it too, but I didn't care. I growled and gripped a tighter hold on the gun and walked over to the distressed boy, pointing the gun right at his head. Kellin started to whimper and tried to back away but I took hold of his tussled hair and put the barrel of the gun under his chin, putting my finger on the trigger.

"N-no, Vic, p-please. I love you so much. You know I love you." He stammered as he looked up with wide pleading eyes. I pulled the gun back and smashed his face in with the butt of the gun.

"Shut your fucking mouth you filthy whore!" I spat as I watched the blood seep from his nose where I had hit him. He was in hysterics now as he was beginning to lose all hope and I just wanted him to quiet down so I could think but he just kept crying and struggling against my hold.

I wasn't thinking clearly when I put point the gun right in between his eyes and didn't have time to assess the situation before I flinched and pulled the trigger, firing a bullet straight into Kellin's head. Blood spattered everywhere as pieces of his brain were scattered across the bathroom walls and all over my face. He stopped his struggling and looked up at me with shock as he fell back against the wall, sliding down to the floor in an unmoving heap.

I stared at him in complete shock as I watched blood pour from his head and completely soak my shoes. A sob ripped through me as I dropped to my knees and dropped the gun next to me.

"No!" I yelled as I tried to stop the blood from pouring out. "K-Kellin, baby I'm s-so s-sorry, b-baby I."

I felt as though my throat was closing and I couldn't breathe. The oxygen wasn't getting to my head fast enough and the lightheaded feeling was starting to consume me. I could feel the blood pumping throughout my body quicker than normal and my own rage blinded vision was now filled with blurry tears. I just killed the love of my life and I felt my heart breaking all over again. The devastation I was feeling because of my actions were far worse then the pain I got from watching him cheat on me. I felt as thought my heart had been ripped from my chest, and now in place of it was a hollowed out hole. I turned away from Kellin's body and crawled over to the toilet and heaved up everything in my stomach.

When all the contents in my stomach had been emptied, I wiped at my mouth only to smear blood across my lips, making me gag. I looked over at Kellin's lifeless body as I grabbed at my hair and yanked. Reality, once again, had set in as I was trying to figure out what to do. Panic and fear had filled my head and I couldn't think straight, I couldn't call Mike and I couldn't call my parents. I had no one, absolutely no one; I was going to rot in jail for the rest of my life. Guilt, sorrow, pain, sadness, betrayal--all these emotions were crashing down on me like a tidal wave and I felt as though I was being suffocated by the thoughts in my head.

I grabbed hold of the gun once again, and slowly crawled over to Kellin's body. By now the floor had been completely soaked with blood, and the once white shit I was wearing had been tainted by red. I placed Kellin's head in my lap as I brushed his blood soaked hair from his face. His pale skin had paled a significant amount more, if that was even possible, and the blood illuminated that factor. His lifeless green eyes looked up at me, much like they had so many other times before, as I closed them and muttered the words "I'm sorry" over and over again, thinking that if I said it enough times it would be alright, but this was far from alright. This would never be alright and I could never live with myself knowing I had done this. I leaned down and kissed his soft yet cold lips, and put the gun to my temple.

"I loved you so much darling." I whispered, wanting my last words to be specifically for him. Not thinking twice about my actions, I pulled the trigger and saw nothing but black.