Love Buzz

It’s not exactly how the movies depict falling in love with your best friend. Well, I wasn’t sure if it was even love. But either way, do not believe the cinema, kids. It’s a lie. But it also makes for great attention getters, so I’m not complaining.

Anyway, falling in love/ lust with Kurt Cobain (well, the realization part) was a total pain to my ass. Ever since we played Unplugged in New York, I couldn’t stop thinking about Kurt…how funny he is, how sweet he is, how nice it would be to just kiss him as time seemingly stops…

Whoa. I seriously need help. One night, I’m only thinking about how [mildly] attractive Kurt was, and the next, I’m fantasizing (I coughed at the thought, making Kurt jump from surprise) about kissing him under the stars. What the hell is wrong with me?

“Are you alright,” a voice penetrated my thought bubble, causing me to look up from my snare drum at Krist, who towered over me. Krist’s eyes were narrowed, looking either constipated or suspicious, his hair dangling dangerously over me. That boy needs to learn how not to be creepy. “You’re acting a little funky.”

I had two options; one being pull Krist aside and tell him what I had been thinking for the past few days, and two being insisting that I was fine, just a little tired. Both were perfectly reasonable choices, as Krist wasn’t homophobic, but most likely, not even he would want to listen to me. But Krist was a good guy (although some screws were loose, but that was true for all of us), the “father figure” of the band, if you will. He would understand (even if he didn’t feel this way about Kurt, he had to have felt it about someone).

“Ah…I’m alright, I guess…but could I talk to you after rehearsal,” I asked, glancing at Kurt, who’s back was towards me. Krist cocked his eyebrow at me, muttering a “sure” before walking back to his bass guitar affectionately named Nellie.

Hardly a word was spoken after my encounter with Krist, making the atmosphere tense. Kurt was normally the talker of the group, but today, he sat quiet, strumming his guitar. Krist was the only one attempting conversation, although Kurt and I didn’t really feel like obliging. Suddenly, Kurt stood up, taking his guitar off and rubbing his eyes.

“I’m gonna go,” he declared, shuffling towards the door of Krist’s basement (which doubled as the oh-so extravagant rock studio). All I could do was watch him and sigh; he had been doing this a lot lately. Krist paid Kurt no attention as he grabbed a chair and dragged it in front of my drum kit, sitting in it.

“So, what did you want to talk about?”

It was only a simple question, but it weighed on me like a large boulder. I bit my lip, searching for what to say. It seemed a little trivial to just say “I’m gay.” Krist looked at me intently, trying to figure out what I was going to say before I said it. After a few seconds of Krist staring at me and me staring at him, I decided to give up and say,

“I think I’m gay with a crush on Kurt.”

Krist continued to stare at me, but his stare turned from a “what are you going to do” stare to a “you’re retarded” stare. I nervously looked anywhere but at him, anticipating his reaction.

“And,” Krist asked, raising his eyebrow at me. I couldn’t help but feel irritated that Krist didn’t get why this was embarrassing for me, and humiliated because after I had announced my feelings, I felt so much stupider.

“And,” I hissed back, not able to bite back the irritation, “I don’t know what to do about it or how to deal with it.”

Krist shrugged.

“Do I look like a homo to you?”

Okay, this was a waste of my time. I stood up angrily, and hastily stepped from behind my stool to walk towards the door, but Krist grabbed my arm, stopping me.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I’m joking.”

I sat back down, my anger cooling off. Krist let go of my arm, but never took his eyes off of my face.

“Anyway, are you going to tell him?”

I could feel my face pale; I hadn’t thought about that. I had been so wrapped up in my own denial that I didn’t stop and think about whether I was even going to tell Kurt. Amazingly, though, I found myself snorting and sarcastically remarking,

“Yeah, I’ll tell him. I’m going to go up to my married, male best friend and say ‘I think you’re hot’. Yeah, and I’m also freaking Axl Rose, are you kidding me?”

A corner of Krist’s mouth turned up into a half-smile. He shrugged (again. If he does that one more time, I’m going to have to hurt him), replying in a matter-of-fact tone,

“Hey, you never know, it might work.”

A second of complete silence passed before I burst out laughing. I don’t know why it was so funny; it just was. Krist joined my in laughter, his deep, chesty laugh clashing with my creepy, high pitched one. The laugh fest continued for a minute, then died out as we regained control.

“No, really, it probably would work,” Krist restarted as I calmed down. “Telling him how you feel would really be good for you, and who knows, he might like you too.”

I sputtered at that last part.

“But he’s married!”

Krist shrugged again, and I smacked him, telling him to stop shrugging. After laughing at me, he continued,

“Courtney Love would turn ANYONE gay.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle, even though Kurt’s wife was supposedly my friend. I didn’t doubt that Courtney could turn guys gay almost as soon as they met her; if there was one person that I wish I didn’t introduce to Kurt, it was Courtney Love. Considering the fact that she was his wife, I didn’t really feel that bad about telling him how I felt anymore. If he would marry her, he could go with me on one measly pity date.

“I think I’ll tell him,” I stood up, stretching my back out. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“That’s my boy,” Krist remarked teasingly, causing me to smack him again. I laughed as I walked out of the basement in a good mood with good intentions, shutting the door behind me. Meanwhile, still in the basement, Krist muttered to himself,

“I hope he knows what he’s doing. Courtney won’t be a happy camper if she finds out.”