Love Buzz

I didn’t see Kurt for a couple days after my confession. I spent most of my time without him hesitating to call him and apologize or ridiculing myself for telling him in the first place. I knew that this wasn’t healthy; that I had to get over him and stop beating myself up, but the truth was, I didn’t know how. Every time I had tried to shove Kurt out of my mind, he just stayed and I found myself thinking about him more, if it was possible, and every time I actually succeeded in removing him from my thoughts, he just came back later. I was stuck in a glass case of emotions, and I wanted to get out.

I had woken up an hour ago, but I didn’t find the will to get up out of bed until now because why get out of bed when you’re just going to get tortured? I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, knowing that I had to get up sooner or later, but I didn’t want to. Eventually, after my mind kicking my ass, I finally got up to take a shower. I hastily washed up and got dressed even knowing I probably wouldn’t go anywhere today. I shuffled out of the bathroom and plopped down on the tacky brown couch in the living room to submerse myself in crappy daytime television in a vain attempt to forget about Kurt.

A couple of shows later, I heard the doorbell ring. I waited a second or two before hoisting myself up and trotting over to the door, thinking it was just a door-to-door businessman or my nosy next door neighbor, Mrs. Heinemann. I pulled the door slightly open to find Kurt on my doorstep, slouched over with his hands in his pockets. He glanced up to look at me, a soft smile on his face. The sun was placed just right behind him, making him radiate. I have got to stop using this flowery language to describe him, but I couldn’t help myself. He WAS beautiful enough.

“Hey,” he greeted me as I opened the door. “You busy?”

I considered my options; I could have said I was and turned him away because of the guilt I was harboring, or I could have said no and faced the music. I hesitated before finally answering,

“No, I’m not, come in,” and standing aside. Kurt sighed before setting foot into my foyer, then looked up and around like it would be the last time he saw my house. Silence sat in as Kurt made his way to my living room and sat on the couch where I had previously been. I shuffled over and sat down on the cushion next to him, anticipating what he was going to say, but looking at him, I wondered if he was going to say anything. He appeared to be in deep thought, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be the one to disturb him. Thirty seconds of silence passed by, but to me it felt like an hour. I couldn’t take it anymore; something had to be said or I would explode.

“So, whatcha here for,” I asked, breaking Kurt from his bubble of thoughts. Kurt looked dead at me, his eyes reflecting hesitation, fear. I vaguely wondered what shook him up so bad; Kurt normally never looked at me like that. He didn’t look at anybody like that.

It happened fast, almost too fast. First Kurt looked back down and bit his lip, and the next thing I knew, I was being almost roughly pushed back and kissed. Kurt found a resting place over my chest, and I was have worried that soon he would make contact with my heart, which was pounding so hard that I could have sworn it had gotten into a fistfight with my pearly white ribcage. I had half a mind to shove him off and ask him what the hell he was doing, but then I realized that it was exactly where I wanted to be for a long time. So why did I suddenly want to destroy it? Why did I feel so guilty?

I decided to let myself relax into the kiss, and even put something of my own into it. I caressed his lips with mine, flicking my tongue gently across his lips; a gentle motion, but the fact that I was doing it sent shocks up and down my spine. He was surprised at the sudden contact, but none the less, he opened his mouth a tiny bit more to let me kiss him deeper, harder.

Right at that moment, all my guilt melted away on that couch, leaving me feeling better than I had in a long time. I felt comfortable kissing Kurt, secure. It was (and still is) silly, but it was how I felt. After a while, we both began to run out of breath, so we broke apart, my head moving to rest on his shoulder. Neither of us said anything; I sat listening to Kurt breathe while he stared off into space.

“Kurt,” I said, breaking the silence. Kurt turned his head as toward me as possible, showing that he was paying attention. “Why did you kiss me?” Kurt stayed silent as he thought, turning his head back to the side to stare out the large window to our right. I sat still, my head still resting upon Kurt’s shoulder, silent as to allow him to think about his response.

“I…” Kurt started, trailing off as he looked at the blue sky. His tone was shaky, still uncertain and embarrassed. He swallowed; there really was no easy way, no escape button. “I didn’t know how else to tell you that I felt the same way as you did.”

I took my head off of Kurt’s shoulder and sat up, looking at him. I couldn’t do much else, much less say anything; what’s there to say when there are no words? Nothing, that’s what. Kurt looked back at me, more scared than I had ever seen him in all the time that I had known him. And I didn’t blame him. Not for one second. Silence made is presence clear again as neither of us said or did anything. But don’t think that this was a bad thing; it was comforting, like a huge weight was lifted between us, or that a huge wall was broken down.

“So,” I say, breaking the silence, and shifting so that I was leaning against the arm of the couch. “What now?”

“I don’t know,” Kurt replied, taking out a cigarette and lighting it. “You would think that it would have been this huge thing, but I guess what was really scary was the anticipation.”

In my heart, I knew he was right, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want him to know I was scared, even though I was scared to death. It was a pride thing; you’ll understand eventually when you encounter a situation like this. I shook it off as we both basked in silence, glad that it was over, but still confused as what to do next.

Silence, silence, silence. There was too much of it; sometime, it had to get you. Suddenly, I got very nervous sitting next to Kurt, so I opened my mouth to say something profound…profoundly stupid.

“Hey, Kurt, do you think that horses would be able to sit like dogs?”

Even I was dumbfounded about how stupid I sounded. Kurt looked over at me like I had gone insane, and truth be told, I wouldn’t have been surprised if I was. Well, I was in, I might as well finish.

“I mean, the way their hindquarters are shaped, you’d think that when they were tired, they’d just plop right down on their behinds and be done with it.”

More of that blasted silence. Well, I tried. But, soon enough, Kurt busted out laughing, in turn, allowing me to smile. He had such a beautiful laugh; it was a shame he didn’t do it much. Most of the time he leaned back and smiled, but now it was refreshing to know he could laugh.

“You’re insane,” Kurt managed to choke out, chuckling more at me. Normally I would play mock offended, but I just sat and smiled like the idiot I guess I am. Kurt looked into my eyes, grinned, and said, “And that’s why I love you.”

Although I had heard those words said to me hundreds of times, it still had a certain special ring to them that made my heart skip a beat. I guess love did that, the tricky bastard. I was left speechless after that, and not even my subconscious could save that. Kurt stared at me for half a minute, then got up off of the couch.

“I have to go,” he told me, stretching, his shirt raising up so I could see his stomach. “Frances is going to wake up soon, and I don’t think Courtney’s going to want to change her,” he finished, rolling his eyes. I laughed, but the mentioning of his wife made me cringe; I could be twice the wi-spouse she is. I’d at least raise a finger in helping take care of our daughter, Frances.

“Okay,” I finally say, getting up and walking with Kurt over to the door. God, he did look beautiful in my foyer, where the sun shone on his eyes and made them prettier tenfold. Why did he have to be married!? “I’ll see you sometime?”

“Sooner than you think,” Kurt answered, standing on his tiptoes to give me one last kiss on the lips, then looked down to turn the doorknob and leave the house. After I was sure the door shut, I couldn’t help myself; I let out a loud squeak as I brought a hand to my mouth.

But as happy as I was, I couldn’t help but feel like something bad was going to happen.