Dreams Without Courage

No.

I can't do this again.

I wont do this to them again.

I cant.

I have to snap out of it!

I don’t want to look at this!

I don’t want to remember!

I shook my head and grabbed my head growling at myself.

I had to stop thinking about it. It does nothing for me but bring misery…

I wish I could just forget the whole thing…

My face scrunched up as I tried to force the images out, it hurts like hell, but I really want to get out of this room.

It's dark, and obviously padded.

One time I had flashbacks I tried to kill myself with a knife I found.

They stopped me, but then had this room made for when I loose it.

It being control.

The bad thing about the room was, if after I got control I didn’t get out fast enough, it triggered another one.

I had to get a twin here.

And fast.

"Payne!!" I yelled as loud as I could although my voice was still kind of hoarse I'm sure it was loud enough for someone to hear me.

Sure enough down runs Pay.

"Ziggy! You're good now?" He asked with slight concern.

I nodded as my eyes shifted a bit.

"Get me out. Fast."

He noticed my eyes shifting and quickly unlocked the door letting me out and immediately squishing me in a big hug.

Seriously I needed to breathe.

He let me go and helped me walk upstairs.

Damn flashbacks made me fucking weak; I hate that, being weak.

Tohrment looked up as we entered his room.

"Zsadist! You're better now? How are you feeling? Are you hungry?"

I put up my hand to stop him from talking for a minute.

"Yes, fine, and holy hell yes get me some goddamned mozzarella sticks before I collapse from starvation."

I smiled weakly and plopped onto his bed.

Tohr grinned and grabbed Pay's hand dragging him to the kitchen to help him find my mozzarella sticks, and of course chocolate since that goes without saying.

Eventually they found them, hidden in the back of the freezer and brought them up to me when they cooked them successfully.

Not charred.

They're so sweet…

I don’t deserve them as brothers…

They shouldn't care so much.

It only causes them grief.

--Time lapse of one month—

"Zee!"

That’s all I heard before Zacky jumped on me, succeeding in making us both fall over on our asses.

Seriously, does this kid have a death wish?

"Zacky, get the fuck off Zee before I hurt you!"

I smiled as Zacky yelped and quickly got up and off me, running to hide behind Shadows.

Heh, smart kid getting off.

Syn reached out his hand and pulled me up, straight into a hug.

I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his torso, burying my face in his chest, taking in the scent that is Syn: cigarettes, b.o. and some mystery spice.

"Morning…" I mumbled into his chest.

I heard him chuckle before replying.

"Morning gorgeous."

I smiled, pulling away a little bit only to reach up with my arms wrapping around his neck, pulling him down to press his lips to mine.

He tasted like cigarettes and mint gum.

Which I soon realized was still in his mouth and stole from him.

Smirking as I leaned back from him chewing it.

"Hey!" He said quite loudly, getting everybody's attention unknowingly.

"That's mine!"

I smirked and kept chewing it.

"Really? Then come and get it."

I blew a bubble right in his face and popped it.

He pouted before putting his hand on the side of my neck, pulling me closer so we once again became lip locked, resulting in a make out session, and Syn getting his gum back.

"Ahem."

We pulled apart looking up at the angry face of our teacher, Mr. Haubruk.

"Yes, sir?" Syn asked in the most polite voice.

"Ahem, rule number one in my classroom there will be no affectionate actions made in any way, shape or form. Understood Mr. Gates? Ms. Gwynn?"

I looked at Syn and then smiled fakely at Mr. Haubruk.

"Of course sir."

He turned and left to try and teach the class while Syn and I glared holes in the back of his stupid head.

Zacky, Shadows, Rev, and Jon were laughing quietly while Tohr and Payne were glaring at Synyster for getting me in trouble.

I sent Tohr and Pay a look to shut up and they did.

Probably because they knew how attached I had become to Syn…

And how few night terrors I've had since we've been together…

Maybe, just maybe Syn was the one.

The one person who could fix me when I thought I was ruined and broken forever…