I'm Not Okay

I cannot express how much I love my doctor. She completely understands that I don’t want anyone to know about my pregnancy so whenever I have to go in, she clears half her day for me so no one will accidentally run into me and question why I’m there. It’s perfect.

“Alright Frank, please lift up your shirt.” She instructed me and I did what I was asked.

She soon poured the cool gel over my slightly rounded stomach, to anyone you wouldn’t be able to tell I was gonna have a baby. She started to rub around the wand until a picture showed up in the screen. I was shocked, in six weeks the baby had grown so much, at first it was just a spec on the screen but now I could make out a little body, from its head to its tiny feet.

“Wow.” I said in amazement. “That’s my baby.” I said and started smiling.

“It sure is Frank, do you want photos?”

“Yes please, three again.” I told her, she smiled me before printing them out and handing them to me.

“Everything seems to be great, it looks like you’re starting to show; which is a good thing, most women are already showing at eleven weeks, so expect that. Are there any questions?”

“When can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl?”

“In about 7 more weeks, I’d like to see you again before then though.” She said and I nodded.

“Thanks again Doc.” I said as I took the pictures and headed home.

On my way home I decided to buy a scrapbook, it was gonna be for the baby. Every ultrasound was gonna go in that book; along with the thousand of pictures I was gonna take. I’m not gonna lie, I’m really excited about becoming a dad.

By the time I got home it was pretty late and I was starving, it had been two hours since I last ate. I decided to call for pizza, I ordered the largest pizza and I asked them to cover it in pineapples, like to the point where you couldn’t see cheese. Normally I hate pineapples on my pizza but hey, baby gets what baby wants. My mouth was just watering thinking about food, and when the doorbell rang I squealed in excitement and ran to the door with my wallet at hand. But my excitement went down when away when I saw it wasn’t the pizza guy at my door, it was Gerard. He saw my excitement fade and he looked to the ground.

“Sorry to bother you.” He said not looking at me.

“No you’re not, I just thought you were the pizza guy, I’m starving.” I let out a nervous laugh and he chuckled along to it.

“So uh, can I come in?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure, sorry for being rude.” I said and opened the door more to let him in.

He came in and sat on the living room sofa, I took a seat next to him and we were filled with an awkward silence before he spoke up.

“So Ray asked me to come over here tomorrow and help you move some things around.”

“Yeah, I need to move all my stuff out of the music room and put it the one room I use for storage. And I don’t think it’s the best idea if I do any heavy lifting.” I explained and he nodded.

“He also said you were at the doctors today.” I nodded, “Was it because of the …” He gestured to me so I knew he was talking about the baby, it kinda bugged me that he didn’t use the word baby.

“Yeah, I was at the doctors for a check up on the baby, my doctor wants me to go in once or twice every month to make sure the baby and I are good.” I looked at the coffee table to where I put the new pictures of the ultrasound. “I have another ultrasound picture from today; the baby has grown a lot more if you wanna see.”

He nodded his head and handed him one of the pictures and told him that he could keep it, when I handed it to him the doorbell rang and I left to go get it. This time it was the pizza guy and I was really excited, as I came back into the room where I left Gerard Is aw him tuck the picture into his wallet where the other one was and it made me happy. Baby steps. I opened the pizza and offered him some and he took it, while eating we made small talk but everything was just off from how it used to be. We used to be so close and now things are just awkward between us.

“So Gerard,” I started and wiped my hands on my clothes, “I don’t wanna be rude or anything but why are you here? In the past six weeks we barley talked.”

He took a deep breath and put his pizza down.

“Lynz and I got into a fight and she told me to find another place to stay tonight, I as gonna go over to Mikey’s but I just ended up coming here.” Now I felt bad for him.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t really have an extra bed but you’re welcomed to stay here on the sofa until the two of you work it out.” I offered.

“Thank you.” He told me.

It was still kinda early so he decided to start helping me move some things around. It was decided that in the morning I would rent a truck and donate everything I didn’t want or things that took up to much space to a thrift store. Gerard and I only got a little bit of work done, we ended up talking and joking like we used to, before everything got so complicated. It was nice, in the time we weren’t talking; I forgot that we used to be best friends. When it got later I left Gerard alone to sleep on the sofa and I went to my room. I took the scrapbook I bought and started gluing down the first two ultrasounds of the baby to the first few empty pages; when I finished I tucked it away under my bed and fell into a deep sleep.

Morning came too soon the next day. I wasn’t woken by the sun or by me natural waking up, I was woken up by a knocking at my room. I told whoever was at my door to come in and Gerard popped his head inside my room. I yawned really loud and stretched before asking him what was up.

“Just so you know, Ray’s here… and it’s almost one in the afternoon.” He told me with a smile.

“Shit!” I yelled running out of bed and down the stairs, I was still in my pajama pants with a tee-shirt and messy hair.

“You look great Frank.” Ray commented.

“Only for you.” I told him while I batted my eyes

We laughed then we all go to work; every time I would go to lift something more than twenty pounds Gerard would do it for me. At about eight at night we finished making the spare room into a new music room and the old music room into a empty space. Ray asked me what I was going to do with the new room but I told him he was gonna have to wait and find out. Not long later Ray left leaving Gerard and I alone.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” I started, “Why did Lynz ask you to leave?”

“I told her that we slept together.”