I'm Not Okay

“You what?” I asked in complete shock.

“I told her I slept with you.” He repeated.

“You didn’t tell her about the baby did you?” I asked resting my hand on my stomach.

“No, I didn’t.”

“Why did you tell her in the first place?”

“I just felt so guilty, she loves me and she was so happy to see me when I got back, I just couldn’t lie to her. I knew if I told her should would be hurt, but I had to be honest; I love her.” He explained, I’m not gonna lie, hearing him say he loved someone else while I still loved him.

“Oh, so is this arrangement permanent or…?” I trialed off.

“I really hope not. I’m gonna go see if she’ll talk to me tomorrow.”

I nodded, I know he didn’t mean it, but by him saying how much he loved Lynz and how he wanted to be with her broke my heart. I love him, I have for 3 years and now that his baby is inside me and messing with all of my emotions, it was making my heart break even more. But while Gerard was telling me all of this, he either didn’t notice how it was making me feel, or he chose to ignore it; which broke my heart even further. But I didn’t stop him from telling me, I let him continue talking, when he was done I told him I wished him the best of luck and headed off to bed. When I crawled in my bed I held on tightly to my belly and cried myself to sleep, but I kept my tears silent because I didn’t want to disturb Gerard who was sleeping on my sofa again.

When the morning came around, I woke up at a reasonable time and went downstairs. I thought about making coffee but I knew the caffeine wasn’t good for the baby so I skipped out on it and ate something a doctor would recommend as healthy, but to me it was tasteless. While I was eating Gerard came into the kitchen fully dressed and showered and made himself coffee. He looked like he was in a good mood.

“Good morning Frank!”

I smiled at him,he helped himself to some of the food I had made and poured to cups of coffee; he handed one to me and sat in front of and started to eat.

“Why aren’t you drinking you’re coffee?”

“I can’t drink it, bad for the baby. Kinda like how I can’t smoke anymore.” I said, I was pretty annoyed how he kept ignoring the fact that I was pregnant. He nodded and that was kinda of the end of our conversation. When we were done eating he came over to me and hugged me for letting him stay at my house and then told me he was going to go home to Lynz.

After he left I sat on the sofa and started to hug myself and cry. Why can’t he love me the same way I love him, we are going to have a baby together. He told me he loved me and I believed it, I still do, and if he were to act on it our baby could have both of its fathers in its life. We could actually be a happy family. But that would never happen, he chose Lynz over me.

After a few hours of crying to myself and having a pity party, I decided to call my mom and invite her over; it was about time she found out about her grandchild. After I called her and told her it was something important, she was at my door in ten minutes.

“Frankie baby is something wrong?” She asked as I hugged her and invited her in.

“No ma, I just have to tell you something. I’m going to be a dad.”

“You’re gonna have a baby?! Congrats!!” She said then hugged me again, “Wait,” She said as she pulled away, “Are you having a baby or is a girl carrying you’re baby?”

“I’m pregnant.” I said as I bit, my lip.

“Oh Frankie,” She said, she sounded sad, but then she went back to her happy self. “Who’s the other dad?”

“He’s not important; he’s not really going to be involved.” I said looking at the floor.

“Is that his choice or yours?” He asked.

“He broke my heart; I don’t want to risk him breaking the baby’s heart as well. I mean I’ll keep him informed about everything, but I don’t really want to give him the chance to hurt the baby. He told me he loved me but then he chose someone else over me, I don’t want the person he chose over me to make him choose between her over the baby, because of he chose her once, he’s more likely to chose her again.” I said, my vision was blurry from the tears.

“Oh my baby.” She said as she pulled me into her arms, I felt like a little boy again; crying in my mother’s arms.“Everything will be okay.” She told me as she stroked my hair.

When I pulled myself together, I showed my mom the room I was going to turn into a nursery. She looked around and offered to help me paint it while she was here, I gladly accepted, since we didn’t know the gender of the baby just yet, we went with a simple yellow; and by the end of the day, the nursery was painted. I invited my mother to stay for dinner but she had already made plans with some of her friends and I wanted her to have fun so I ended up eating alone.

I thought about calling Gerard and asking how things went with Lynz but I decided against it. And for a whole week, not one word was spoken between Gerard and I, I thought it was a bit strange because for the two days he stayed with me we really connected until he started talking about his wife; so at the end of that week I decided to call him; to find out what has been going on.

“Hello?” He said when he answered.

“Hey Gerard, I was calling to find out how things went with Lynz?”

“Listen Frank,” He sounded off, “We- we can’t be friends or hang out anymore or anything.”

“W-what?” I cracked out; hot tears were already flowing out of my eyes, “Why? What happened?”

“Lynz said she’d only take me back if I cut connections with you.”

“What about the band?” If he kicked me out of the band I would have no money for the baby.

“We can still work together, but Lynz will come on all of the tours and we shouldn’t talk about anything that isn’t work related.”

“What about the baby?” I asked in a small, quiet voice.

“I wanna know how it’s doing, and I wanna be involved and help out still. We just can’t let Lynz know.”

“No, Gerard, we aren’t gonna need your help.” I sniffed and wiped my eyes, “I hope you and your wife have a nice life.”