Hold Your Breath

The next few weeks for the most unbearable for me. When I had returned home from work that Saturday, Ryan had left. There was no note...no nothing. I cried longer than I ever had that night but I knew I would have to get over it. The fact of the matter was Mike and I were not broken up, just on off terms. Everyday Mike and I would catch each other's gaze and instantly break a way. I was too ashamed to look at him for too long. Eventually, we would have to make up. I don't even remember why we had gotten into a fight in the first place.

I felt as if I had been unfair to Mike. Of course I was unfair to him. I cheated on him while he turned away every girl who tried to talk to him. It was almost Christmas now, meaning that Mike and I had not spoken for almost two months. Rummaging through my locker, I gathered all the things I needed for Christmas break.

My plans for break was a complete list of nothing. Mother had create a long list of chores and long term projects that she wanted down before the New Year. That alone made up almost more than half of my Christmas break.

"Mom, I'm home," I said boredly, walking through the house and into the kitchen.

"Are you making dinner already?" I asked sniffing the air.

She looked at me a little surprised, "You're home early."

"Last day of school," I commented.

"Oh right, well go wrap the presents I bought today dear. The list is in the living room."

Right, Christmas was in two days and I still hadn't gone shopping. I trudged into the living room and started to wrap and dedicate presents to their owners. Ten minutes into that I stumbled over something disturbing.

"You got a present for Ryan?" I choked.

My mother poked her head through the kitchen opening, "Yes, he is coming, isn't he?"

I swallowed, "No."

She put down her spatula and came over to sit next to me, 'What happened?"

"Nothing," I said putting the present aside.

My mother made an understanding face, "Then wrap it. We'll keep it in case he comes back."

"He's not coming back," I said sadly.

"Wrap it anyway."

"Mom," I started to whine.

"Stop acting like a two-year old and wrap it. Don't forget to wrap Michael's also."

I reached into the pile and pulled out Michael's present from my family. My mother had put a lot of thought into his present, I could tell. I wrapped it and put it along with the other presents. When I finished I got up and went to my room to sleep.

"Where are you going?" asked my father the next morning as I started for the door.

"Out," I said vaguely.

"It's Christmas Eve," he said suspiciously.

"Last minute shopping." I said truthfully.

"Oh OK," he said returning to the morning paper, "Be back before six thirty."

After the conversation with my father I walked out into the freezing winter. I hugged my jacket tightly and entered my car. The guy on the radio started to speak.

"MORNING SAN DIEGO! Isn't it a wonderful day today?"

"No," I replied bitterly.

"What could be better than Christmas Eve?"

"Suicide."

Just imagine the couples ice skating, the children choirs singing, and the drinking at the parties. Ah yes, Christmas time is the best time. Today in the studio we have a local band. A few of you may have heard of them before. They call themselves Grant the Letdown.

I laughed. It was ironic not only to hear my name as a band's name but also to have the band's name describe me perfectly. I was a letdown. I let down Ryan. I let down Mike. I even letdown myself.

"Their bassist, Topher Real and lead guitar, Riley Reyes, are here to tell us about their new song that's been gaining attention across the nation. Let's start shall we. First off, 'What's the deal with your new lead singer?'

A guy cleared his throat, 'Well, our last singer came down with something terrible and had to depart'

'The guy had issues with showing up for practice,' the second corrected.'

The radio interviewer laughed, 'Wow harsh, Riley.'

'Yeah, but the new guy's been a great addition. His voice matches better with what we were hoping our music to sound like. We actually met him at a local venue and asked him if he was interested. Luckily, he was.'

'That's good. Where are you guys headed with your music now?'

'Well,' Topher started, 'Right now we're just trying to finish the CD. Almost there too. We've played a few local shows. We're hoping that by summer we'll get to play across the state. Pretty much were independent right now.'

'Great, so if you don't mind me asking, why didn't your other two members show up for the interview?'

Riley and Topher laughed.

'It's Christmas Eve dude.' Topher said, 'Our drummer's up in Sacramento right now while our singers probably sleeping at home. The guy deserves the break though. We were up all night practicing.'

'One last question before we play your song. Everyone's wondering, how'd you come up with your name?'

'Well...' Riley started hesitantly, 'Funny story.'

'Our singer came up with it,' Topher added, 'We're not really sure how but it was a cool name so we decided to use it. We'll take a rain check on how it actually came about.'

'Alright, we'll there you have it San Diego! The bassist and lead guitar player from Grant the Letdown. Let's here their new song, 'Even The Strong Won't Survive'.'"

They sounded promising. They were even a local band maybe I'd see them in concert some time soon. As soon as the music started I couldn't believe my ears. What I was hearing on the radio almost caused me to crash my car.


Somethings wrong,
Something I, I, I can't put my finger on
Breathe in; Breathe out
Until the feelings' gone
But the nights keep getting colder
And the days all feel the same.

Those words jumped out at me. I could instantly relate. But that's not what caused me the most shock. I stared disbelievingly at my radio, hoping this was some pre-April fool's joke. But the music kept attacking me.


Too much, too much, too much is never enough
I can't, I can't, can't seem to get what I want
I know it's my fault
But if we only live once, who's to tell me I'm wrong
To want...
The best for myself,
To want something else
And all I want I see in

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

My heart nearly stopped beating. I had to concentrate hard not to crash into something or someone else on the road. Could those words actually be true? My breathing grew rapid.


Somethings wrong
Something I, I, I can't put my finger on
Spiraling down
Control is fading out
But I seem to love affliction
Throw myself right overboard

Too much, too much, too much is never enough
I can't, I can't, can't seem to get what I want
I know it's my fault
But if we only live once, who's to tell me

Too much, too much, too much is never enough
I can't, I can't, can't seem to get what I want
I know it's my fault
But if we only live once, who's to tell me I'm wrong
To want the best for myself
To want something else
And all I want I see in

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

What shocked me most was because I knew that song was dedicated to me. How did I know that? Because it was Mike's voice on the radio.