heaven help us
Chapter one
the drab white walls and the smell of antiseptic was enough to make anyone go out of their mind - which was really funny being a "correctional institute" (which was a nice name for whacky shack) should have been focused on not driving their patients crazy with the monotonous atmosphere this place had. it was 4:56 PM on a warm (or so i had guessed) september day and every tick of the second hand on the plain white wall clock made me want to jump out of my skin. the doctor sitting in front of me was saying something i had guessed by the way her lips were moving but if you asked me to repeat her last few sentences, i couldn't.
"caleb?" i heard her call my name back into reality.
"yeah sorry." i mumbled, my french accent adorning even the quietest of my words.
"todays your big day! are you ready? because you can stay here longer if you feel you're not ready."
i saw the grey haired doctor's mouth curve upward in a smirk in what i guessed was amusement at my obvious disinterest in spending another day here. "alright then. we'll go get your paperwork started." and with that i was left all by myself in the office. it was a little surreal. this had been my home for the past 18 months. i couldn't so much as sneeze without someone breathing down my neck - and now i was going to have freedom and i didn't know if i was healed enough to even take care of myself.
despite the fact that i didn't remember the last day i had eaten a full meal without tears, the hospital obviously thought i was ready and they knew best, right?
i was ripped right out of my thoughts when the woman reappeared with a stack of forms for me to sign. i gave a quiet nod and got to signing as she sat down at the desk right across from me. "caleb, i'm going to give you my card and the card for your regular therapist here. our door is always open, alright?" without much of a thought, i gave a nod. i was intent on not coming back to this place.....ever.
i pushed the stack of papers with my named scribbled on them forward and looked up at the doctor, my eyes probably begging to be let go. "your things are by the door. do you have a ride home?" i nodded quietly and she began to say her goodbyes. i didn't know why that was a necessity. i would be back here every week for a while for my outpatient therapy sessions.
it was a weird feeling walking down the hallway. it was the last time i would see some of these faces and as much as i hated it here - this had been home. a few people bid me goodbye and i was let out of the door by a security guard. scanning the parking lot i caught sight of my best friends jeep cherokee parked near the front which led me to look around for him.
"CALEB!"
i nearly jumped out of my skin.
"goddammit, alex!!" i growled, getting pulled into a hug by the taller guy.
"i'm so glad you're out. i've missed seeing you every day."
"yeah that's nice but let me go." i hissed, obviously not wanting to be in the embrace as much as him.
he smirked, knowing i meant nothing by the comment and grabbed one of my bags, heading to the car. "c'mon caleb. let's head home."
it was weird driving home. i didn't remember there being so many trees and birds and......life outside of the institution. in fact, i barely remembered what the sky looked like. of course we had outside time and such, but the fact that the WHOLE facility flooded out during that time made me a bit of a recluse. it was my alone time.
it wasn't even ten minutes later and we were pulling up to the familiar house. "want me to go in with you?" alex mumbled. i thought for a moment. did i want alex to go in with me? "no i need to do this alone." i sighed, throwing my bag over my shoulder. "thanks for coming and getting me, lex. can we catch up when i have my energy back?" he gave a slight smile. it had been too long since i had spent time with him. "of course, boo. call me if you need anything." and with a nod, i was off to my house.
walking up the front steps was a surreal experience. i had lived in this house since we imigrated to the usa, but it didn't feel real anymore. it felt like something front a distant memory. i slowly twisted the front door open and stepped it. "hello?" i meekly called out. slightly worried that there was no response, i stepped in further.
around the corner and into the living room my mother was asleep on our old green sofa that looked like it belonged in the 70's. ashtrays and beer cans adorned the carpet. "mama....?" i spoke repeatedly, trying to wake her up. about the sixth time, the woman's eyes opened. "caleb? i had no idea you were getting out. you should have called me instead of sneaking up on me."
"i did call you. every day for the past week."
"well make yourself at home i guess. don't go thinkin' you can get your hands on any knives or razors. andy hid them all"
and with that she was off to sleep. you see, it would be really easy to absolutely hate my mom. she did nothing to drink and sleep around. the men she often brought home were both physically and sexually abusive to my siblings and i. she was sick, she needed help and i found it hard to hate her for it. after all, i knew all too well about being sick.
looking down the hallway for my siblings i sighed, remembering they went to school. i had seen them a few times in the hospital but it was hard letting them see me like that. i had been their protector so many years and here i was, broken; unable to keep them safe. what good was i anymore?
i was taken out of my thoughts when i heard a big crash in the kitchen. hastily making my way in there, the youngest of the 6 of us was sitting in the floor bawling his eyes out after toppling over in a chair. remy was only two and home "alone" most days. "remy baby you're okay!" i cooed softly picking the child up and holding him close.
he seemed to calm down when he noticed "wub" was back and a smile replaced his look of pain. "wub! wub! wub!" he called over and over again. "i'm back buddy!" i said kissing the top of his head and setting him down. all i could think about was the way i failed him as i scanned the bruises that adorned his body.
"wanna go watch some TV?" i asked picking him up and making my way into the room i slept in. it was still the way i left it and closed up smelling. i set remy on the bed and fumbled around for the remote. after some odd minutes of looking, i turned on nextflix and found 'frozen' for remy. it wasn't 15 minutes later and we were both fast asleep - forgetting our worries.
"caleb?" i heard her call my name back into reality.
"yeah sorry." i mumbled, my french accent adorning even the quietest of my words.
"todays your big day! are you ready? because you can stay here longer if you feel you're not ready."
i saw the grey haired doctor's mouth curve upward in a smirk in what i guessed was amusement at my obvious disinterest in spending another day here. "alright then. we'll go get your paperwork started." and with that i was left all by myself in the office. it was a little surreal. this had been my home for the past 18 months. i couldn't so much as sneeze without someone breathing down my neck - and now i was going to have freedom and i didn't know if i was healed enough to even take care of myself.
despite the fact that i didn't remember the last day i had eaten a full meal without tears, the hospital obviously thought i was ready and they knew best, right?
i was ripped right out of my thoughts when the woman reappeared with a stack of forms for me to sign. i gave a quiet nod and got to signing as she sat down at the desk right across from me. "caleb, i'm going to give you my card and the card for your regular therapist here. our door is always open, alright?" without much of a thought, i gave a nod. i was intent on not coming back to this place.....ever.
i pushed the stack of papers with my named scribbled on them forward and looked up at the doctor, my eyes probably begging to be let go. "your things are by the door. do you have a ride home?" i nodded quietly and she began to say her goodbyes. i didn't know why that was a necessity. i would be back here every week for a while for my outpatient therapy sessions.
it was a weird feeling walking down the hallway. it was the last time i would see some of these faces and as much as i hated it here - this had been home. a few people bid me goodbye and i was let out of the door by a security guard. scanning the parking lot i caught sight of my best friends jeep cherokee parked near the front which led me to look around for him.
"CALEB!"
i nearly jumped out of my skin.
"goddammit, alex!!" i growled, getting pulled into a hug by the taller guy.
"i'm so glad you're out. i've missed seeing you every day."
"yeah that's nice but let me go." i hissed, obviously not wanting to be in the embrace as much as him.
he smirked, knowing i meant nothing by the comment and grabbed one of my bags, heading to the car. "c'mon caleb. let's head home."
it was weird driving home. i didn't remember there being so many trees and birds and......life outside of the institution. in fact, i barely remembered what the sky looked like. of course we had outside time and such, but the fact that the WHOLE facility flooded out during that time made me a bit of a recluse. it was my alone time.
it wasn't even ten minutes later and we were pulling up to the familiar house. "want me to go in with you?" alex mumbled. i thought for a moment. did i want alex to go in with me? "no i need to do this alone." i sighed, throwing my bag over my shoulder. "thanks for coming and getting me, lex. can we catch up when i have my energy back?" he gave a slight smile. it had been too long since i had spent time with him. "of course, boo. call me if you need anything." and with a nod, i was off to my house.
walking up the front steps was a surreal experience. i had lived in this house since we imigrated to the usa, but it didn't feel real anymore. it felt like something front a distant memory. i slowly twisted the front door open and stepped it. "hello?" i meekly called out. slightly worried that there was no response, i stepped in further.
around the corner and into the living room my mother was asleep on our old green sofa that looked like it belonged in the 70's. ashtrays and beer cans adorned the carpet. "mama....?" i spoke repeatedly, trying to wake her up. about the sixth time, the woman's eyes opened. "caleb? i had no idea you were getting out. you should have called me instead of sneaking up on me."
"i did call you. every day for the past week."
"well make yourself at home i guess. don't go thinkin' you can get your hands on any knives or razors. andy hid them all"
and with that she was off to sleep. you see, it would be really easy to absolutely hate my mom. she did nothing to drink and sleep around. the men she often brought home were both physically and sexually abusive to my siblings and i. she was sick, she needed help and i found it hard to hate her for it. after all, i knew all too well about being sick.
looking down the hallway for my siblings i sighed, remembering they went to school. i had seen them a few times in the hospital but it was hard letting them see me like that. i had been their protector so many years and here i was, broken; unable to keep them safe. what good was i anymore?
i was taken out of my thoughts when i heard a big crash in the kitchen. hastily making my way in there, the youngest of the 6 of us was sitting in the floor bawling his eyes out after toppling over in a chair. remy was only two and home "alone" most days. "remy baby you're okay!" i cooed softly picking the child up and holding him close.
he seemed to calm down when he noticed "wub" was back and a smile replaced his look of pain. "wub! wub! wub!" he called over and over again. "i'm back buddy!" i said kissing the top of his head and setting him down. all i could think about was the way i failed him as i scanned the bruises that adorned his body.
"wanna go watch some TV?" i asked picking him up and making my way into the room i slept in. it was still the way i left it and closed up smelling. i set remy on the bed and fumbled around for the remote. after some odd minutes of looking, i turned on nextflix and found 'frozen' for remy. it wasn't 15 minutes later and we were both fast asleep - forgetting our worries.