Hearts & Spades

Three soft rhythmic knocks sounded off his wooden bedroom door. Then another three knocks, and another, followed by the concerned muffled words of his mother.

"Alexander...?" she pleaded desperately, pausing in hopes of some type of reply, but when none came she pushed the door aside and welcomed herself in.

The floor of her son's room was no longer visible under the piles of clothes and various objects thrown carelessly to the side in a childish fit. The sight of a teenager shaped lump hidden beneath the sheets of a messy bed made the middle-aged woman's heart ache.

Mrs. Gaskarth tipped toed through the disaster area before sitting on the edge of Alex's bed, peeking over his shoulder to see his caramel eyes wide open and staring at the blank wall before him. "I brought your medicine..." she announced, her gaze traveling to see the food set on the nightstand hadn't been touched since she brought it hours before. The boy in question groaned loudly, tucking his blotchy face into his pillow. It'd be days since she had even heard her own son's voice and she was beginning to doubt that he'd pull himself out of this funk anytime soon. "Alex...please." the woman pleaded, her voice filled with worry and sorrow.

Seeing his mother in pain seemed to pull a response out of the brunette. He shuffled in the sheets until he was sitting upright, dark circles under his heavy lids and a permanent frown painted on his features. Alex opened up one tiny palm in order to receive his nightly pills before tossing them down and gently taking the glass of water from her hand. As soon as the medication made its way down his throat he flopped right back down on the mattress - one that had probably bent to fit his form after he'd laid there unmoving for so long.

Isobel had tried countless times to help her son out of the hole he'd fallen in, but it was a hopeless cause. Heartbreak took time to get over, she'd had to just be a good mother and take care of him until he was able to piece back together the shattered pieces of his broken heart. Just as she spun around on her heels to leave the room a small gravely voice sounded out in the silence.

"I think an emotionally broken heart hurts a hell of a lot more than a physically broken one." he still had his back to her as he said this, and she was so hurt by the confession that she didn't even bring up the fact that he'd cursed. There was nothing she could say to make things better, to make Jack come back. Alex's mother had already given him the whole 'he doesn't deserve you' speech, it only seemed to make things worse. So Mrs. Gaskarth hummed sympathetically under her breath before leaving him to be alone.

Alex had no clue how much time passed before he was interrupted again, the lighting in his nearly pitch dark room remained the same all day long. This time, it was the shrill sound of his phone ringing that pulled him out of his nearly comatose state. At first, he just let it ring, however, right before it went to answering machine he shot up and grabbed the device and held it against his ear.

"Hello...?" his voice was still weak and cracking as he answered the unknown caller.

"A-Alex... oh, god Alex, you...you answered!" it was Jack, slurring his words together in a fashion that sounded like a strange combination of drunk and terrified. The sound of his boyfriend, or former boyfriend, speaking to him after all this time managed to leave him completely speechless. "Lex, are you there? Please, please be there."

"I'm here." Alex nearly whispered, staring down at his lap as he waited for some kind of explanation, clearly he'd had a bit too much to drink and manage to dial his number in this unstable state. If his mother was still in the room she'd be barking at him to hang up the phone.

Silence fell between the two, not as awkward as it was heartbreaking. Alex was biting down on his bottom lip to the point where a metallic taste flooded his senses, all in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. However, when a broken sob broke the eerie stillness it did not come from Alex.

"J-Jack...are you...are you crying?" The brunette asked hesitantly. The sound alone causing his chest to ache worse than it ever had.

"No." Jack choked unconvincingly. There was a short pause before another soul tearing sob broke out of the man's chest. "Yes, fuck. I'm drunk, on the side of the road. I-I can't drive, not like this." he explained, every car zipping past him reminding him of that dreadful night. A part of him considered getting behind the wheel again, going out in a similar way Bethany had. But the moment he put his foot on the gas Alex would fill his senses. His gorgeous face, soft skin, comforting scent... and before he knew it his gentle voice was on the other end of the phone.

"I'm coming. Where are you?" There was no hesitation as he waited anxiously for a response. Jack may have shredded Alex's heart to microscopic pieces but he still held those pieces in the palm of his hand. "Don't you dare move, Jack, I'm on my way now." There was a hint of protest as Alex ended the call, however it was all but ignored as he found himself grabbing the first article of clothing off his cluttered floor.



Sneaking out, stealing the car keys, escaping into the dead of night with quivering hands - they were all things Alex never pictured himself doing. But all things he wouldn't think twice before doing for Jack. You couldn't fabricate the kind of pain he heard from the older man. Jack had only given him a vague description of where he was but Alex would search until his car broke down. Just because the elder had abandoned him didn't mean he'd ever consider doing the same.

The sight of Jack's car on the side of the road was both a relieving and devastating sight. At least he hadn't moved, at least he was safe. Alex didn't even bother taking the keys out of the ignition as he threw himself out of his own car, the driver door wide open as he rushed to Jack's. He could see the lanky man crunched up in the back seat, his head hung as if he was completely unaware of everything around him. He didn't even look up when Alex climbed in next to him.

Jack resembled a corpse more than a man. His messy dark hair was hanging in his face, his collar bones prominent and fists clenched to the point where the color had drained from his finger tips. Alex didn't have the slightest clue what was causing him this amount of distress, there was no way he could make it go away, and that was eating him alive inside.

"Jack...Jacky, I'm here now." He whispered, soft watery eyes focused on the man slumped against the window, the fogging of the glass he was pressed against being the only sign there was any life in him at all.

"It's my fault." he croaked, almost too quietly for Alex to even make out.

"What? What are you even talking about?! God damn it, Jack, look at me!" Alex requested frantically, clutching the necklace that hung from his neck. The very one Jack had bought him, the one whose match was still hanging around the other man's neck as well despite their time apart. He couldn't bare this vagueness anymore, he felt like Jack was dragging him through the dirt by a rope.

When Jack did finally look up his eyes were puffy and blood shot, not the soft almond orbs Alex had grown so used to seeing. It was almost bone chilling, even when he was mourning he didn't look this devastated. "Bethany! I killed her!" he exclaimed, his booming voice causing his boyfriend to jolt back in fear. Jack was never one to raise his voice, especially at his darling Alex. "I haven't told anyone, not her parents or mine... but god damn it, it was my fault."

Alex remained frozen and silent, the information leaving him confused and terrified all at the same time. "W-what do you mean...it was an accident." he said hesitantly, his eyes scanning over Jack's hunched over form. Alex thought he knew the whole story - Bethany had been driving alone and hit another car causing her to die instantly. Was there something dark that had been hidden this entire time?

"I was texting her. I shouldn't have been. If I would have just put down the fucking phone Bethany would be here right now!" Jack clarified, speaking as if the mere thought of himself left him disgusted. He'd stolen Bethany not just from himself, but from the world. She would have made it a better place, instead Jack snuffed her out like a fading flame. "I'm a murderer, Alex, her blood is on my hands!"

It all started to make sense. Ever since the accident Jack had been blaming himself for the death of Bethany... and now he felt he was undeserving of a second chance. "Jack...please, calm down..." Alex murmured, scooting closer and placing his hand on Jack's thigh. "It wasn't your fault. How could it have been?"

"Don't..."

"No, you don't, Jack!" the smaller boy said with more force. "I'm not letting you push me away anymore." Alex insisted with furrowed brows. "You can't blame yourself for what happened to Bethany. You had no idea... no one did."

Another lingering and painful pause fell between the two. "You don't understand!" he groaned, large hands moving to tug at his hair. "She's dead because of me, and nothing I can do will bring her back. It should have been me instead." Jack bawled as he slammed a palm against the window and sent a loud band echoing through the otherwise quiet night.

"Shut up! Fucking shut up!" Alex practically cried. "You're everything to me, does that mean nothing to you?" he asked, his caramel eyes darting over Jack's expression desperately in search of an answer. "You're right, you can't bring Bethany back. But that doesn't mean you get to pity yourself." Jack was living in the shadow of guilt and it was dragging them both down. It wasn't healthy, it wasn't right. "You're not allowed to steal yourself away from me, I wont let you."

Alex's words were harsh, but deep down Jack knew there was truth to them. "I love you, Alex." he finally whispered. "I can't lose you too, I can't go through this again. You are all that I've got. I destroy everything I care about."

Those three words were the last he expected to leave Jack's lips, especially at a time like this. Alex climbed over the old torn seats and plopped himself in the dark haired man's lap, cupping his face in both of his tiny hands. "You won't. You'll never lose me, Jack. In this life and whatever comes after it... I swear I belong to only you." The brunette promised. "Please, stop blaming yourself...I need you."

Jack managed to turn his attention to the boy in his lap, his heart lifting at the mere sight of him. He couldn't even form words. After everything he'd done, after running like a coward, even after his confession Alex was still there with eyes full of nothing but adoration. Alex had seen him at his highest and lowest point and never once did he budge. "I love you." he repeated almost breathlessly.

"I know, and I forgive you. And I swear Bethany does too."