Hearts & Spades

Two weeks passed, but to Jack Barakat it felt more like two decades. Ever since that day he'd hardly left his room except to eat and shower and that was only when it was completely necessary. His mother was worried sick about him - hell, everyone was. And today was bound to be the worst of them all.

"That's not too tight, right?" questioned Rian as he fiddled with the tie around the taller teen's neck. The stocky boy was Jack's best, and pretty much only at this point, friend and had been visiting him as much as he could manage since Bethany's passing. It was only a few hours before the girl's funeral and he had a feeling the elder was going to need as much support as possible, even if that meant practically dressing him. Dressing him in a tux that was meant to be worn to Jack and Bethany's senior prom and would now be worn to her funeral instead.

The raven haired boy shrugged his heavy shoulders, staring past his companion and into his reflection. His hair was flat and plastered to his pale face, the dark circles under his eyes standing out against his sickly complexion. Jack looked a mess, but none of that could compare to how he was feeling on the inside.

"Listen Jack, I know this is probably the hardest fucking thing to go through, but you can't let her death kill you too. I need my best friend back." the other continued when he noticed he was being ignored, giving Jack's jacket a few quick tugs before turning towards the mirror and working on his own appearance. Rian had been good friends with Bethany, but no one's pain came close to the heart break Jack was currently experiencing. Except maybe her parents who were already at the funeral home probably clutching each other while starring into the casket that held their dead baby girl.

Jack ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath before exhaling, "Sorry..." he had been saying that word a lot lately, it was almost the only one that ever left his lips. But he was sorry, sorry that he wasn't there for Rian, sorry he was putting his mother through so much stress, and most of all sorry that it was Bethany who was being buried instead of him.



He was going to throw up. Jack was currently sitting in the front row of a church he'd never heard, of his legs were bouncing up and down anxiously as he tugged at the tailored sleeves of his tux. Currently one of Bethany's aunts was standing in front of an open casket, one that he hadn't even glanced in the direction of - he didn't want to see her like this, he wasn't ready to face reality just yet. His stomach was churning he wasn't sure if it was because of the fact that his dead girlfriend was only a few feet away or because neglectful family member after back stabbing friend walked up and talked as if they gave one ounce of a fuck about her. Nobody loved Bethany like Jack did, he was jealous of everyone who knew her.

The church was decorated with pictures of the freckle faced gal's smile and her favorite flowers - blue roses. Jack couldn't count how many times he had stopped by the local flower shop and asked for the 'usual' that consisted of nothing but the brightly colored plants she adored so much. Being in a room filled with nothing but the things Bethany loved wasn't easing his nausea.

"Now we're going to have someone who was fairly important to Ms. Newcomb share a few words, Jack Barakat." an elderly man announced, Jack assumed he was the funeral director but had been doing his best not to pay much attention. He couldn't afford to cry, not again.

His mother gave his knee a reassuring squeeze that caused his eyes to travel up to her own. She offered a small encouraging nod before he pushed himself to his feet. The few steps that it took to stand next to the casket seemed like miles, all gazes were on him as he did everything in his power to keep his off her. Off Bethany who was laying lifeless merely inches away now. All he wanted to do was hold her but soon enough she be under dirt and gravel, and he'd never see that gorgeous face again.

At first Jack remained silent, standing in front of Bethany's friends and family who were all staring at him with tears in their eyes. What could possibly say? There were no words for what he was feeling, for what any of them were feeling after losing someone so beautiful. But he owed it to her, he could never repay her for loving him, but he could sure as hell try and make sure she went out with the bang she always wanted. With that the lanky teen cleared his throat and let the words spill from his lips.

"I'm not here to regurgitate the things we all loved about her, because god knows I loved everything." he began, scanning the crowd to see Bethany's mother lean into her husband and offer a small sad grin. "I'm going to address her, we all know she's listening. She loves all of us, Bethany loved everything - even me. Which I thought was impossible." Jack reached to pull at the tie around his neck that seemed to suddenly be choking him. "And she is so much more than just my girlfriend. Every time someone asked me to describe home, I wanted to say her name. Everyone expects you to say place, but I'd be lying if I said there was a building that made me feel more at peace than the space between her arms." he felt like he wasn't making any sense, and he probably wasn't as he was spurting out sentences one after another. Jack didn't even both to stop to breath because if he did the tears would surely find their way out. "I know I should move on, it's what you would have wanted. But how can I move on when every time my mind wanders, it goes straight to you?"

"You were so powerful. Kind, open hearted, creative and passionate. You had your own fire burning inside of you and now the flame has burned out. The smell of smoke still stings the back of my throat. What happened cannot be changed, and I cannot go back to where I was. But even though I am healing I still feel your light and thanks to you I will never be the same person I was before."



After the ceremony it was time for everyone to walk up and say their final goodbyes, and it was fair to say that Jack was avoiding this like the plague. Bethany's parents were standing beside her casket, her mother still in tears as she held onto her lover's arm for support - without it she seemed like she would collapse. People walked up to them to say a few words of condolence before moving on to peak at the girl frozen in an eternal sleep.

"You have to go see her, darling." came a small voice, interrupting his echoing thoughts. His mother looped their arms together and did her best to break her son out of his trance.

"I don't want to see her like this..." Jack murmured as he leaned into his mother like a small child, wishing he was still young enough to cling to her leg and hide from the world. Ever since his father left the Barakat's had been inseparable and seeing her son in pain hurt her as well. But at this point, him getting better seemed more like a dream rather than a possibility.

"I know, Jack, but this is the last time you will ever get to see her at all"

Mother's were always right and this was no exception. When it became obvious that he had accepted defeat she released his arm and allowed him to step forward. Jack could hear his heart beating in his ears and each step made him feel as if his legs were going to fall out from beneath him but nothing could prepare him for what he was about to see.

She was wearing a beautiful white summer dress, her hands crossed over her lower stomach in what was suppose to be a peaceful position but to Jack it looked stiff and unnatural. Whoever had taken the time to do her makeup had done it wrong, Bethany always preferred light and unnoticeable but they had cake on the foundation and mascara - most likely to distract you from the fact that her cheeks no long had their pink glow. This was the first time he had seen her since the accident and with deep breath he was falling apart all over again.

He ran his hand through her long brunette hair, she usually kept it natural and falling in gorgeous waves down her back but at the moment it was straighten and placed neatly against each of her shoulders. Though he should give someone some credit, it was impossible to tell that she had met her untimely end in a terrible crash as there wasn't a scratch in sight.

"What the fuck am I suppose to do without you?" he whispered, biting his trembling lip and digging the palms of his hands in his eyes so his tears didn't fall and soil her beauty. "I see you every where and I can't fucking breathe. Please, please, come home." no amount of begging was going to fulfill his wish and he knew that, but he was out of options.

Leaving her was the hardest part, knowing that you'd never get to lay a hand on the love of your life ever again. Jack leaned down and pressed a kiss to the tip of her cold nose before retreating back to the corner he had been standing in. Mrs. and Mr. Newcomb attempted to signal him over but he wasn't in the mood to talk to them, he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. Except maybe Bethany.



Unfortunately for the seventeen year old it wasn't long until someone made their way to where he had receded - a short boy with shaggy caramel hair and a nervous smile. Jack had never seen this boy in his life so he assumed he must have been one of Bethany's distant cousins or a family member by marriage that wanted to mingle with the man closes to her.

"A-are you Jack?" the stranger asked nervously, playing with the sleeves of his tux that was much too large for his tiny frame. Despite his size and frail appearance he couldn't have been much younger than Jack himself.

"That depends on whose's asking." he replied coldly, whipping his eyes once more to make sure he removed any trace that he was crying before this guy could make assumptions.

"I'm Alex... the boy who got Bethany's heart."