Past Secrets Consume Us

After my nervous breakdown in art class, Frank kept looking my way and turning when I looked over there. It was extremely exasperating so i finally said, "Frank, you are not being smooth at all. I can see you looking at me. Just say it. I already know you know." Frank looked shocked that I could tell he was watching me and angered that Gerard told me he knew. Frank gave Gerard an accusing look and Gerard just shrugged. He walked over to me to prevent other people from hearing our conversation.
"I'm sorry for telling Gerard. It's just that I didn't know what else to do. I'm not really good with thinking under pressure." I looked at him and saw that he was truly sorry. "Frank, it's okay. Just please don't tell the other guys. It usually makes people think of you in a totally different way." He looked at his bright red converse in shame. "I won't tell anyone else if you tell me why." I sighed, they weren't gonna leave me alone until I told them. "Get Gerard and I'll tell you both," I said, preparing myself for the story. They pulled up chairs to where I was sitting and I began to tell my story for the first in over a year.
"About two years ago I dated this guy, Ryan. Things were going great. I really loved him and we were happy, or so I thought. One night we were sitting on my couch and he said, "Helena, there's something I've got to tell you. I'm sick of lying to you." he pulled up his sleeve and there were deep gashes up his wrists straight to his shoulder. He took off his shirt and there were similar cuts on his stomach and chest. I just sat there crying asking him why he would do that. He told me that I would never understand unless I tried it. So, I did. I cried so much the first time and bled everywhere but i didn't want Ryan to feel alone. I kept doing it to let him know I supported him and my cuts got deeper and deeper and they spread farther and farther. I went from doing it for support to needing to cut. It became my only way to cope with anything. Eventually Ryan left me and that just made things worse. I kept cutting deeper and it's not really something you plan. It just happens. I really hope that this doesn't make you think I'm weak or something like that. Please don't tell anyone. It will only make them think things about me that aren't true." As my speech came to an end I realized that there were tears rolling down my cheeks. Gerard and Frank were sitting there in silence. I decided to give them a few moments to process it.
After about three seconds Gerard stood up and hugged me. He pulled me to my feet and kissed me on the cheek. "Where did you live when this happened?" he said, still hugging me. "Helena, " I said. I was trying to not soak his shirt with tears. "I can't believe he would let you do that, he obviously knew how hard it was to stop once you started. If I ever see him I'm gonna beat the shit out of him." Gerard looked so angry. I had never seen him like this and it scared me. I pulled away from him and tried to calm him down. "Gerard, he didn't make me do it. It was my choice. Plus, it was a long time ago. Don't be so angry, I've forgiven him and you shouldn't hold a grudge. He didn't do anything to you." Gerard looked me straight in the eyes, "He hurt you and that's plenty reason to kill the mother fucker. You are an amazing girl and anyone who doesn't treat you like a queen doesn't deserve to see another morning." That was so sweet of him, but I really didn't like him this way. The anger in his eyes was too much to bear. I sat down and pulled my knees up to my chin, "Gerard, please calm down. You are scaring me." His face slowly returned to normal and he sat down between me and Frank, "I'm sorry, I just can't stand what that Ryan guy did. Why would he hurt you like that?" I sighed, " I don't know, Gerard. I don't understand what a lot of people do, including myself. I guess we all do things without thinking about the future sometimes." The bell rang and we both left together. Frank walked behind us, still in silence. I wondered what he was thinking but kept to myself. I'd caused enough commotion for one day. I just pulled down my sleeves for added security and silently walked to my next class, tears still streaming down my face.