Past Secrets Consume Us
So Wipe Off That Make-up What's In It's Despair.
As I lay my head on Gerard's chest crying over a guy that wanted nothing to do with me for almost two years I realized just how stupid I was. Here I was, doing it again. I was falling for yet another gorgeous, amazing guy. I obviously hadn't learned my lesson. Gerard seemed so different but they always did. I looked up into his beautiful eyes and lost my train of thought.
I was trying to remember why I should never trust another male again when a man in his mid-fifties walked up to us. "Miss McWest," he said, "we need you to come in here and talk to a counselor. Mr. Way may come with you this time if you need some support." I pulled myself out of Gerard's comforting embrace and stood. As soon as my body left the chair exhaustion and vertigo immediatley took their effect on me. I fell backwards and would have probably cracked my skull open if Gerard hadn't caught me.
"Helena! Are you alright," Gerard looked more scared than I guessed my expression did and I just looked up at him trying to form my mouth to a position where words would come out.
The man i guessed to be a principal kneeled down and looked at me for the longest two seconds of my life. He finally spoke, "Gerard, can you carry her to my office?" Gerard supported my back with one arm and scooped up my legs into the other. He rose in a surprisingly steady manner and carried me out the office door and down the main hallway.
Somehow my mouth began to work again and I whispered, "Thank you," to Gerard and wrapped my arms around his neck. It seemed like a rather long walk but Gerard did not falter for a single step. I felt secure in his arms and was not exactly ecstatic when we reached the counselor's office(it turns out that the man was actually the school counselor). Gerard gently lowered me into a large comfy chair and brushed the hair out of my face. He kissed my forehead and sat on the floor beside me.
Even though it was against all my better judgement, I reached down and grabbed his hand. In moments like these your heart always won despite what your head was screaming. I laced my fingers through his and looked down into his eyes. I felt like I knew him already. That fact sounded so weird, even inside my own head. I wouldn't dare say what I was thinking out loud, especially in a counselors office. I faced forward and acquired an expression that stated I was ready to be counselled.
"Miss McWest, normally we wouldn't call you in here for something not dealing with our school but, seeing that Mr. Richard's will asks for you to be present at his wake and funeral, we decided to discuss things now before you missed out on essential early school days." I stared at the man in a dumbfounded manner. I couldn't possibly understand why I was in Ryan's will. He updated it several times a year and two had passed since we dated. "Umm, what exactly does it say?" The man handed me a photocopied paper and I read the usual legal mumbo-jumbo. Underneath all of the official writing was a letter in Ryan's guyish but never sloppy handwriting.
This is what it said:
I know my family never expected me to go this way. I'm sorry to all of you that I put you through the horror of trying to figure out why I would do such a thing. I will explain now so you don't have to think it is your fault. I was never happy with who I was. The only time that I was happy was when I was with Helena and, like I always do, I royally screwed that up. I want you to find her, wherever she is when I die, and make sure she is at my wake and funeral. I have made all the preparations for everything and the money to pay everyone is in my vault underneath my bed. The combination is 1657-7895-6542. If Helena refuses to come I do not want a ceremony at all, just bury me in an unmarked grave. This request may sound unusual but, even in death, she is the my only reason for living.
I didn't understand it. My limbs became weak again and I just stared at the words on the paper until they blurred together. I searched for some form of meaning but all I understood was that I had to go back to Helena. I had to face everyone I'd left and I had to be the center of attention in a situation that was already nerve-wrecking. I was especially glad to have met Gerard now.
I was trying to remember why I should never trust another male again when a man in his mid-fifties walked up to us. "Miss McWest," he said, "we need you to come in here and talk to a counselor. Mr. Way may come with you this time if you need some support." I pulled myself out of Gerard's comforting embrace and stood. As soon as my body left the chair exhaustion and vertigo immediatley took their effect on me. I fell backwards and would have probably cracked my skull open if Gerard hadn't caught me.
"Helena! Are you alright," Gerard looked more scared than I guessed my expression did and I just looked up at him trying to form my mouth to a position where words would come out.
The man i guessed to be a principal kneeled down and looked at me for the longest two seconds of my life. He finally spoke, "Gerard, can you carry her to my office?" Gerard supported my back with one arm and scooped up my legs into the other. He rose in a surprisingly steady manner and carried me out the office door and down the main hallway.
Somehow my mouth began to work again and I whispered, "Thank you," to Gerard and wrapped my arms around his neck. It seemed like a rather long walk but Gerard did not falter for a single step. I felt secure in his arms and was not exactly ecstatic when we reached the counselor's office(it turns out that the man was actually the school counselor). Gerard gently lowered me into a large comfy chair and brushed the hair out of my face. He kissed my forehead and sat on the floor beside me.
Even though it was against all my better judgement, I reached down and grabbed his hand. In moments like these your heart always won despite what your head was screaming. I laced my fingers through his and looked down into his eyes. I felt like I knew him already. That fact sounded so weird, even inside my own head. I wouldn't dare say what I was thinking out loud, especially in a counselors office. I faced forward and acquired an expression that stated I was ready to be counselled.
"Miss McWest, normally we wouldn't call you in here for something not dealing with our school but, seeing that Mr. Richard's will asks for you to be present at his wake and funeral, we decided to discuss things now before you missed out on essential early school days." I stared at the man in a dumbfounded manner. I couldn't possibly understand why I was in Ryan's will. He updated it several times a year and two had passed since we dated. "Umm, what exactly does it say?" The man handed me a photocopied paper and I read the usual legal mumbo-jumbo. Underneath all of the official writing was a letter in Ryan's guyish but never sloppy handwriting.
This is what it said:
I know my family never expected me to go this way. I'm sorry to all of you that I put you through the horror of trying to figure out why I would do such a thing. I will explain now so you don't have to think it is your fault. I was never happy with who I was. The only time that I was happy was when I was with Helena and, like I always do, I royally screwed that up. I want you to find her, wherever she is when I die, and make sure she is at my wake and funeral. I have made all the preparations for everything and the money to pay everyone is in my vault underneath my bed. The combination is 1657-7895-6542. If Helena refuses to come I do not want a ceremony at all, just bury me in an unmarked grave. This request may sound unusual but, even in death, she is the my only reason for living.
I didn't understand it. My limbs became weak again and I just stared at the words on the paper until they blurred together. I searched for some form of meaning but all I understood was that I had to go back to Helena. I had to face everyone I'd left and I had to be the center of attention in a situation that was already nerve-wrecking. I was especially glad to have met Gerard now.
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