Currently Untitled

A single tear slid down my cheek and I sighed inaudibly under the voluble music coming from the speakers no more than ten feet in front of me. Looking over at my coterie, I could feel the happiness and energy radiating from them; their dyed hair swinging as they bounced to the music. For some reason, I didn’t even mind their ignorance of my depression. Nor was I excited to be at assaulted by the bass and screaming of my favorite band. Glancing around the room briefly, I slowly picked my way through the crowd to an exit in the back of the huge room, musing on my way, that not one of the faces I was passing was familiar. Had I been paying sufficient attention, I would have seen her.

I was far too consumed in my own pain for that, though. She didn’t matter to me, anyway. Nothing did. Not even my own life. Which just made me even more pathetic. I honestly loathed myself. And It’d taken me only a few years to come to the conclusion. When he left, I was happy. So happy with who and where I was. But something changed in only a few months. In such a short amount of time, I went from great to suicidal. Which just made me hate myself even more. Which, in turn made me more suicidal. It was a lovely circle.

Unfortunately, I wouldn’t be experiencing this or any of life’s other little ironies. Because I was going to die tonight, December 20. I had finally made my way through the crowd and to the door and pushed it open so hard in my excitement to finally reach the end, it smacked the brick wall it was set in. I surprised myself in doing so, because it was a heavy, metal door. That was another thing I hated myself for; being so weak.

But it didn’t matter anymore. Because it would all be over soon enough. The biting winter chill hit my exposed skin and immediately brought chill bumps to my pale skin. I looked down at my arms and then to the sky, to the moon. Out despite my pain, full and shining brightly. I smiled sadly at the thought. I had always loved the moon. It was the most beautiful thing that occurred naturally, in my opinion. The opinion of a dead girl.

Pushing my sorrows aside, I flashed a sad smile to the heavens, watching as the dark clouds swirled and glided alone lazily with the wind, eliminating the threat of snow. I kept my eyes on the sky as my feet were already en route to my apartment without my consent. Soon enough the vaporous obstruction of the midnight blue and bright silver was gone. Though I could see only major stars due to the ethereal glow from the city and the would-be dark blue was slightly blanched, it was still the most beautiful natural occurrence I had ever witnessed.

Aside from him. Jon was probably the most beautiful person I had ever seen. His dark, wavy hair and muscular build was perfectly accented by his number of tasteful tattoos and his obscure eyes. And to perfectly disrupt the harmony of his bad boy look, he had the cutest freckle right on the end of his nose and a perfect crooked smile framed by soft lips.
If only I could have seen him then, before I died, lonely and cold, and without dignity. I was almost there, to the little side street where my old apartment building sat, looking unused and gray in the reflection of the snow.

"I'm sorry, Jonathan," were the last words to go through my mind and pass my lips before the white surrounding me faded to black.