Until You Feel It

''Go go go!'' Eden said, hurrying me out of my room.

''I'm going.'' I said although I was moving as slow as possible.

Bill came out of his room just as Eden and I were passing his door and he was –thankfully- unaccompanied.

''Hey Mandy.'' he said cheerfully.

''Hi.'' I said, looking anywhere but at the brown eyes that were glued to me.

''Oh, what's that? Ok I'm coming.'' Eden said to an imaginary voice and then took off down the hallway and out of sight.

I looked at Bill and we both laughed awkwardly and then continued to walk. I looked anywhere but at him. When our hands brushed, I shoved mine in my pockets and tried to pretend that his accidental touch hadn't sent a wave of electricity through me.

''What am I going to say?? Better question, how am I going to say it?'' these questions and a thousand what-ifs were spinning violently around my head and it was starting to make me dizzy.

She was right there next to me, we were alone, when our hands brushed it sent a wave of electricity through me, but I turned away and pretended like I hadn't felt anything.

I wanted nothing more right then then to tell her how I felt, how the thought of her with anyone else kept me up at night, how much she meant to me, how I wished that it was her in my bed and not Erin. But I had no idea what she would say to something like that, so I bit my tongue.

The wave of fresh air that hit when we got out into the parking lot cleared my head almost instantly. The bus was right across the lot and I knew that somewhere between here and there, I would confess my feelings for Bill…to Bill.

Erin hadn't come back from the drugstore yet and I was starting to think that we were leaving without her, an idea to which I had no objections.

So far Bill and I were the only ones in the parking lot, no doubt due to a traffic jam courtesy of Eden. Now all I had to do was put the words in the right order and say them. I knew that second part would definitely take expertise that I severely lacked.

I stopped walking, I was going to do it.

''Bill?'' off to a good start, that made sense.

I turned and Mandy had stopped. For the first time in a while, she was looking right into my eyes. The longing at the end of her single syllable told me that there was something coming, something big.

Maybe this would be it, this would be her confession. Maybe she was about to profess her feelings for me and I could tell her how I felt and I could leave Erin and- but what if that wasn't what she was going to tell me? what if she was going to tell me that I had hurt her too bad and that she couldn't forgive me?

But I couldn't get ahead of myself. I stepped back towards her, each step filled with hope and fear, all wrapped into one.

He stood in front of me and the gears in my brain started to work over time. His beautiful eyes burning into my own made it that much harder to focus on the words that were supposed to be coming out of my mouth.

And then everything was gone. The beautiful I confession I had worked out thus far in my head disappeared like someone reached in through my ear and ripped it out.

I was standing there, gaping like a fish. Oh god now what?

She was standing there saying nothing. It looked like she had completely blanked, but I needed her to say what she was going to say, I needed to know how she felt. I put my hand on her shoulder, and gave her an understanding look.

Another wave of electricity went shooting through me at his touch, this time definitely an intentional one. It seemed to clear my head and my beautifully written confession returned…well parts of it. My heart started to race as I sucked in the breath to speak.

''I need to tell you something and it would be better if you just listened until I was finished.'' I said, giving myself a mental pat on the back for forming an actual sentence.

He made a zippering motion over his mouth, accompanied by an adorable smile. It was so hard not to love him.

And then it hit me. I loved him. I didn't just 'care deeply' about him, I loved him. Ladies and gentlemen I was in love with Bill Kaulitz and that was what I needed to tell him.

She seemed to have a new light in her eyes all of a sudden, as if she had just had some kind of revelation. That only made my need to know stronger, but I waited in silence, like she had asked.

''Bill I-I,'' oh shit, this was going to be easier thought than said.

''I…I…'' suddenly there were no more words and my body took over my mouth.

I leaned forward and pressed my lips hard against Bill's, something I'd been waiting since that day at the concert to do again. His lips felt so right against mine, like they were meant to be there. But what if he didn't feel the same? What if he was going to get me fired after this? Oh god, did I just totally screw myself over?

There was a rush of feelings as her lips collided with mine. I had been waiting so long for this and it felt so perfect, like my lips had found the place they wanted to stay forever. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against me.

And there it was. His reaction. He pulled me against him and I knew how he felt, I knew that Eden was right, I knew that he felt the same way I did. I pulled myself closer to him as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

And then, the beautiful moment that had become my life over the past minute and a half, came crashing down with two words.

''You slut!''