Until You Feel It

''Why do you have to live on the other side of the world?'' he replied and I smiled weakly.

I had known Bill was going to have to leave at some point, I'd just blocked it out. The inevitable fact that he had to leave me hurt too much to think about, so I didn't. on top of the fact that I would probably only see him once in a blue moon after he left, what would happen to us as a couple pained me to think about as well. Would we try to make the long distance thing work? It would be hard to get a hold of him simply because he was a rock star, forget the fact that we would be on virtually opposite sides of the earth.

There was always that other option though. He could simply leave me and end our relationship before all the trouble started. A clean break is said to heal faster and hurt much less anyway. Then again, I'd always had a high pain tolerance when it came to something I loved.

I didn't want to think about either option, but it appeared the time had some.

''I don't want you to leave.'' I said softly, meaning more than just the country.

''I know.'' he said and there was a longing in the silence that followed. Bill had more to say. I turned so that I could see into his eyes and waited for him to continue.

''Mandy, I've been thinking about this a lot and I can't think of a scenario where I'm happy without you and well, I want you to come with me.'' he said, staring deeply into my eyes.

I knew I would be the same. There was no way I could be happy without Bill, but my entire life was here, I couldn't just leave, as much as I wanted to.

''Bill…'' I trailed off.

''I know, everything and everyone is here, but it's not like you'll never see them again, you can come back, I'm not going to take you prisoner.'' he said, a faint smile on his lips.

''I know but-'' I started.

''I can't be without you.'' he said softly, putting one hand on the side of my face and stroking my cheek gently with his thumb.

''Bill you know I feel the same, but I can't just leave everything behind. What about Eden? What about my family? My parents?'' I asked, taking his hand from my face and holding it between both of mine.

''You came on tour with us.'' he said, sounding like he was fishing for something that would stick. As much as I loved him, I couldn't just leave my entire life.

''Yea, that was around the country not around the world.'' I said and he furrowed his eyebrows, looking down at our hands. He opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again.

''Bill, I can't be that selfish, I can't do that to everyone. You know how much I love you, but I just can't.'' I said.

''Clearly not as much as I thought.'' he muttered and a wave of anger ran through me. How could he say that?

''Excuse me?'' I asked bitterly.

''Apparently you don't love me as much as I thought.'' he repeated.

''How can you say that? You know damn well how much I love you!'' I said my voice approaching a yell.

''You say that but you're pretty quick to say that you wont come with me!'' he said, sounding just as angry.

''Well excuse me for not wanting to leave my entire life behind to follow my boyfriend around the world!'' I said bitterly, shoving his hands away from my own and moving away from him.

''You can't always please everyone!'' he retorted.

''How selfish can you get Bill? Think of what you're asking! You want me to leave my entire life behind for you!'' I shouted. We'd probably wake up the entire floor but I could care less.

''Well sorry for trying to keep what means most to me!'' he yelled back.

''I can't believe you're acting like this! Maybe you're not the person I thought you were!'' I shouted, standing up and moving towards the door.

''And maybe I don't mean that much to you!'' he yelled, also getting up.

''I've had it! I can't be with someone so selfish!'' I screamed, shoving my key into the door.

''Fine!'' he yelled.

''Fine!'' I retorted and then opened the door.

I went in and slammed the door as hard as I could and then fell back against it, sliding down until I hit the floor. My breathing started to get faster as I realized what had just happened. Tears built up in my eyes, threatening to pour over any second, but I wasn’t going to try and fight it.

Eden's door opened and Eden followed by a half awake Tom stepped out. When she saw me her look turned to one of concern.

''Mandy what happened?'' she asked frantically as she crossed the room towards me.

''Your brother!'' I screamed looking at Tom and he flinched backwards, an almost terrified look on his face.

Before Eden got all the way to me, I jumped up and ran full speed to my room, tears running down my face like there was no tomorrow. I slammed my bedroom door and threw myself face down onto my bed. I screamed as loud as I could into my pillow and then started to sob uncontrollably.

It felt as if someone had ripped me in half, because that's what he was. Bill was my other half, and I had just sent him away. Our first major fight and this had happened. The giant hole in my heart that ached like all the heartbreaks in the world combined was exactly why I didn't date. I didn't like getting too emotionally attached to something that was hanging so heavily on such a thin wire.

My lungs seemed to be getting smaller with every sob and I could barely breath. He had meant so much to me and now he was gone. If I was feeling like this, I didn't want to even think about what my words had done to him.

I felt horrible. I didn't want to see anyone. Meeting Bill had been the most exciting, wonderful, fun, absolutely amazing thing that had ever happened to me yet here I laid, crying my eyes out.

''Mandy? Are you ok? What happened?'' Eden asked from the other side of my door.

''I don't want to talk about it right now Eden.'' I said a little more bitterly than I had intended.

I couldn't tell her what had happened because I was still coming to grips with it. As far as I could tell, I had just broken up with Bill.

Oh god.

''What have I done?''