Until You Feel It

''She's been in there all day.'' I heard Eden say from the living room.

''Bill's been face down in his bed since he got home last night, I don't think he moved at all. Tom's there now trying to talk to him.'' I heard Georg say.

''What even happened?'' Gustav asked.

''I think they broke up.'' Eden said, her tone dropping to a low whisper, although I still heard.

Around noon, Eden had knock on my door to make sure I was still alive. Hearing her voice made me think of her, which made me think of Tom, which made me think of Bill, which made me think of last night, and I had started to cry again. I surprised myself by having tears left.

I glanced at my clock and it was pushing seven and starting to get dark outside. I knew everyone was worried about me and I also knew it wasn’t exactly fair to them to leave them all out there to wonder if I was dead or not.

I was still wearing yesterday's clothes and I could feel the dried tears and makeup that had run from my eyes on my cheeks. I felt gross, I wanted to shower, but didn't know if I could find the will to stand.

There was a very loud grumbling in my stomach and I knew I was probably starving to death, but I couldn't feel a thing. I was numb.

I stood up slowly from my bed, praying that my legs would hold. Thankfully they did and I walked slowly to my door. I turned the lock and all the low whispers in the living room went silent. I stepped out of my room and they all looked at me, sorry looks on their faces. I didn't want them to feel sorry for me, I had done this, but then again, I guess my appearance and the fact that I had been crying for at least nineteen hours straight didn't help.

''I'm going to shower.'' I said and they looked surprised that I had even spoken while they nodded.

I went into the bathroom and stripped off my clothes. I looked at myself in the mirror and understood why everyone looked at me like I was a puppy in the middle of a field during a thunderstorm. My eyes were puffy and red, makeup covered my cheeks and my mouth was turned down into an involuntary frown.

I turned on the water and stepped into the shower. The water felt phenomenal on my skin, it was as if it knew that I felt like crap and was trying to help. I stood under the water for what felt like ever before I actually took to washing myself.

Hair, body, face, teeth, I was completely washed. I reluctantly turned off the water and got out. I wrapped myself in a towel and then realized I hadn't brought my clothes, who cared though? I walked out of the bathroom, through the living room and back into my room. I couldn't help but smile at the expression on Gustav's face as he tried not to look at my towel-clad form as I walked through the room.

I went into my room and stood in front of my mirror, looking over myself. I looked much better now that I was clean. I felt better too. As I got dressed I was suddenly very aware of how hungry I was. The pain in my stomach almost brought me to tears, but I wasn't going to cry again. I hated being so overtly emotional. It wasn't like me to display my emotions like that.

I ran a brush quickly through my tangled wet hair and then decided that I needed to eat before my stomach started to eat itself.

I went back out into the living room and everyone looked at me again. This time I was much more composed.

''Hi.'' I said, although my voice didn't match the rest of me when it came to composure, it was ridden with sadness.

''I made dinner.'' Eden said, getting up and walking slowly towards me.

''Sounds good.'' I said with what I could muster of a smile and everyone in the room seemed to let their guards down all at once.

They all got up and headed for the kitchen. Apparently they had been waiting for me. Georg wrapped one arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. I wrapped both of my arms around him and hugged him tightly. If I was going to feel this miserable without Bill, I was glad he was there to comfort me.

''Feeling better?'' he asked.

''A bit.'' I answered. I was feeling better since my shower.

We all sat down at the table and I couldn't help but grin at the place settings. Beside everyone's fork was a pair of chopsticks.

''Chopsticks Eden?'' Georg asked with his eyebrows raised.

''Shut up, they're exotic.'' she said and I started to laugh. I couldn't help it. As miserable as I was, Eden could always make me smile.

Seeing me smile seemed to lighten the mood in the room. Eden put everyone's food in front of them and we all started to eat. Gustav was the first to dare to use the chopsticks. Like last time, one of them went soaring through the air. He simply shrugged and stabbed at his food with his remaining chopstick.

''Still works.'' he said and I laughed again. How could I not? He was so cute.

After we all finished eating, we went into the living room to watch TV. We found a random sitcom and decided on that. I sat on the couch next to Georg and Eden. I was leaning on Georg and feeling very sleepy. Eden was leaning on me, acting as a blanket, her body heat daring me to fall asleep. For spending so much time in my room, I'd barely slept, I was kind of distracted by the whole having my heart ripped in half thing.

By the time the show was over, it was almost ten and I was fighting to keep my eyes open.

''You should go to bed.'' Georg said.

''We all should.'' he added after looking over the room of sleepy people.

''I can't move.'' Eden yawned, adjusting herself to just sleep right there.

Natasha –who had come just after dinner- ran from the fridge to the couch and slipped an ice cube down the back of Eden's shirt. Eden squealed and jumped off the couch, trying desperately to get the ice out of her shirt. When the ice finally dropped to the floor, she glared at Natasha who was laughing her head off.

''Looks like you can move after all.'' she laughed and Eden rolled her eyes. I was giggling too. Watching Eden do the ice dance was theatre quality material.

''Come on, you all should be in bed.'' Georg said as a yawn escaped my mouth.

''Yes mother.'' Eden said and I giggled.

I stood up but my legs faltered severely and I fell into Georg.

''I'll help.'' he said and I smiled gratefully at him.

He put one arm around my waist and helped me to my room. I don't know why my legs were suddenly so weak, maybe my fatigue was catching up with me. He walked with me until I sat down on my bed. I yawned and fell into my pillow but it was still damp and I sat back up again.

''Could you grab me another pillow?'' I asked, looking to Georg and he nodded.

''They're in my closet.'' I told him and he went to get one.

As he opened my closet door, the poster of Bill and Tom with the kiss marks caught my eye and I looked away as Bill's smiling face sent a painful reminder of what I had done. Georg noticed the poster and without saying anything, he grabbed a pillow from the top shelf and closed the door. He brought the pillow back over to me and set it down at the head of my bed.

''Thank you.'' I yawned as I lay back down and he smiled.

He looked like he was going to leave but then he turned and sat on my bed.

''Mandy…what happened?'' he asked with some hesitation. I stared at the floor as I started to go over last night in my mind.

''He asked me to go with him.'' I started, the words not wanting to leave my lips, but the story wanting to leave my mind. Georg sat quietly, not wanting to make it any harder for me.

''I told him that I couldn't just leave everyone, that it would be too selfish and then we fought about it. I told him that he was being selfish by asking me to leave and then…''I trailed off, my mind replaying what happened next.

''I told him that I couldn't be with someone so selfish, and then slammed the door.'' I said, my voice now a whisper.

''He's hurting just as much as you.'' Georg said answering my unasked questions.

''I can't believe I did it. I didn't mean to.'' I whispered, tears I hadn't shed audible in my voice.

''I know.'' Georg said, putting one hand on the side of my head and gently stroking my cheek.

''You should sleep.'' he said.

''You know, if you stayed here tonight, I wouldn't object.'' I said through another yawn.

''You have a nice couch anyways.'' he said with a smile. Something about knowing that Georg would still be there when I woke up made me feel that much better. He really was one of my best friends.

As my eyes fell closed, I felt Georg's hand leave my face and a blanket was pulled over me. I heard my door open and then shut softly.

''I'm going to stay, just until tomorrow.'' Georg told whoever else was in the living room.

''See you later then.'' Gustav said and then I heard the front door open and close.

I heard Georg ask Eden for some blankets but that was the last thing I heard before I fell asleep.